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Weeping Willow
Part 17
by **Sigh**
Copyright© 2019 plaintivesigh All Rights Reserved. |
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“Momma?” breathed a voice into Gwen Eiken’s ear.
There was no response, just the continuing slow breathing of sleep.
“Momma … wake up,” the whisper continued, slightly louder and more urgent.
“Hmph. Uhmmm … wha’s … huh? Willow? What’s going on, baby?”
The only answer given was Willow’s left ring finger, illuminated by a cell phone glow.
That Saturday evening two young lovers sat in a dirt-brown El Camino at Overlook Park in El Paso. Both munched on take-out as the sun set and the valley lights slowly turned on.
“Mmmm. This warm Whataburger really hits the spot on this chilly night. And look at the gorgeous sunset,” said Bern, mouth half-full.
“Reminds me of our first date,” Willow sighed.
“Me too. Except the sun sets so early now, off of daylight savings time. I can tell it’s gotten colder in just the last half hour.”
“Yeah. I’m pretty shivery, even with my coat and gloves and toboggan on. Don’t know if I’m up to much skin exposure later. Unless … are your folks home?”
“Yes. Yours?”
“Of course. Nuts! I’m getting pretty impatient, following everyone’s rules about what we’re supposed to do. Physically, I mean. How are we gonna wait another year and a half, Bern?”
“You don’t graduate Montclair High until then, true; but you’ll be 17 years old just this summer. In Texas, that’s adult age. Then we can legally go as far as we want.”
“But Bern; we go to church at Chula Vista. They frown on sex outside of marriage. And I kinda promised my folks I’d wait until my honeymoon. You know how I have to keep my word to stay abstinent from alcohol and drugs; guilt screws up my emotional state.”
“So … I have a suggestion. What if we got married this summer, after your birthday?”
Willow tilted her head. “You mean before my senior year? I’m not dropping out of school!”
“I know, baby. So finish high school; just attend your last year as a married woman. My wife.”
“Bern … have you thought this through? This is starting to feel like your Denny’s vending-machine-ring proposal.”
“This time I prepared, girl. I’ve put lots of thought into this, and did some research. Your school allows married students to attend, no problem. My salary at the auto shop is enough for us both to live in an apartment. We’ve been talking about getting hitched eventually. And I’ve been saving up for … this.”
He reached into his jacket pocket and produced a small felt cube, which he opened to produce a modest but definite diamond ring. “Willow Ramos, will you do me the honor of being my wife?”
Willow had stopped breathing and started shaking – not from the cold, but shock. “Bern – what if Poppa and Momma say no?”
Her beau smiled. “I already asked your folks for their blessing to do this; I met with them at your dad’s office last week. They both said yes!”
“I say yes too! Yes-yes-yes-yes-yes! Yes times INFINITY!” she bawled, as she once again became Weeping Willow.
After a long time of kissing and petting, the young lovers sat on the bench seat of the Camino, their arms embraced and their minds dreaming.
“What kind of a wedding would you like to have?” asked Bernard. “Church, backyard, huge, small … ?”
Willow grinned. “Believe it or not, JP. Justice of the Peace, at the courthouse. I never had a dream of having a huge, fluffy princess ceremony. A JP will be much cheaper, and we’ll under the radar. Not to mention we can have a great honeymoon using the money we saved from a huge wedding.”
“But your Mom told me once she’d overheard you wanted a big wedding with a white dress and a honeymoon in Tahiti.”
The young transgirl gave her beau a quizzical look. “I don’t remember saying that. Wait. Oh! Yes I do remember! My biological dad called me up months ago and threatened to disown me if I stayed a girl. I told him that I was going to have a dream wedding and honeymoon – in an attempt to get under his skin. I didn’t really mean that it was what I wanted. Okay?”
“Okay. Where should we honeymoon?”
“You go first on this one.”
“South Padre Island? Maybe a VRBO down there?”
“I like the beach idea. And they have a waterpark there too, like the one me and my family visited on our float trip to New Braunfels this last summer.”
“Sounds like a plan. Maybe that can be our wedding gift from my Dad.”
“Umm … Bern?”
“Yeah, Baby?”
“I haven’t had SRS yet. Dr. Estrada prob won’t approve it ‘til I’m 18. You’d have to live at least a year with a wife who’s got a … “
“Dick. Yeah. Does that bug you, Willow?”
Her eyes almost popped out of her skull. “What?? The big question here is you, not me! But since you’ve asked, it does bug me a little; I want a vagina! I can’t wait to be Willow completely. Ready to leave Bill and all of his hang-ups behind me. But back to you: do you … want me to have a penis when we marry?”
“Not necessarily; I, too, want you to have a box*. But I’m a patient man, and there are plenty of other things we can do. I don’t think I’m open to you going inside me, but everything else is at least discussable. I mainly want you, Willow. I want to live with and love on my best friend, the girl who completes me. I’m sooo ready for that.”
“Bern, you ought to be on Jeopardy,” she whispered as she neared her lips toward his, “because you always give the right answers, did you know that?”
*Slang for vagina
She ended her fantastic date that night with long minutes of kissing at the front door, then sighed dreamily as she watched her new fiancé drive off into the night.
Her sister met her as she came in. “Wow, Willow. You look a little dazed. Are you okay?”
“I might need to see a doctor, sis. I’m lightheaded and giddy, and feel like laughing, screaming and crying at the same time!”
“Umm … are you on drugs? I’m only half-kidding when I ask that - I’ve never seen you like this!” Angie scowled with suspicion, arms crossed. “Did he give you something to make you high?”
Willow laughed. Oh, I’ve got to have a little bit of fun with this. “Please don’t be disappointed in me, Ang. He offered me some stuff I’ve never had before; in a moment of weakness I took it, and I’ve been on the highest high since. Want to see it? I’ve got it here on my finger,” she said as she held her left hand up.
Angela’s face and body language turned from sour to ecstatic. “OMIGOD! He really did it?!”
Willow nodded emphatically, and both girls embraced and jumped up and down together, squealing and crying for the next few minutes.
“Oh sis. He was so-oo smooth. I had NO idea that this was coming, and then when it did I couldn’t speak for like an eon!”
“So you feel better about it than you did after the Denny’s proposal?”
“No comparison. This was perfect. Well-thought-out, simple, intimate, romantic. And not some big flashy public display – he knows I hate those types of things. And by the way before you ask – the wedding won’t be until after my next birthday. Bern actually already worked that out with Momma and Poppa before asking me!”
“So they knew he was gonna propose tonight?”
“I assume so - but they surely don’t know if I said yes or not, right? Where are they – the den room looks dark; I figured they’d be watching a movie.”
“They’re asleep, sis. They went to bed at 9:30. I wonder if that’s what we’re gonna start doing when we hit our 40’s. But no matter; we’ve got to wake them up and show them your diamond!”
“Ooh,” said a deeper voice, speaking from behind the two sisters. “I wanna see Mom’s face when you show her!”
Both girls turned to look at their brother. “Mal – how long have you been here listening to us?” squeaked Angie.
“Oh, for a minute or so. Both of you were so gone that an earthquake could have hit and you wouldn’t have known.” He smiled big. “So, sis, I see that Bern is off the market, eh? Congratulations!”
“Thanks, Mal. That was sweet of you to say, especially after my ‘revenge’ with the cookies today. Are you back to normal?”
“Me and ‘John’ haven’t had to meet for the last 3 hours – I’m not uncrossing my fingers though. So are you gonna show the ‘rents your ring now, or what?”
“Momma?” breathed a voice into Gwen Eiken’s ear.
There was no response, just the continuing slow breathing of sleep.
“Momma … wake up,” the whisper continued, slightly louder and more urgent.
“Hmph. Uhmmm … wha’s … huh? Willow? What’s going on, baby?”
The only answer given was Willow’s left ring finger, illuminated by a cell phone glow.
Gwen snapped to attention; she grabbed her sleeping husband’s shoulder and shook it. “William, wake up! He did it! Our daughter’s wearing a ring! Oh Willow – this is fantastic! Are you happy?”
“I’m over-the-moon happy, Momma,” the newly engaged girl sobbed.
Embraces and tears followed. Angie and Mal were there to share it all; William too, once he finally woke up.
“Bern told me that he met with you guys and both of you agreed to allowing him to propose – I’m amazed! I thought you’d make me wait until I was 18,” the newly engaged girl gushed.
“Well, you’ll be legally an adult when you’re 17, just this next summer,” William said with a smile and a yawn. “I can’t stop you from marrying then, even if I wanted to. And after hearing Bern’s plans for supporting you and allowing you to finish school – let’s just say your Momma and I feel good about this. Right, honey?”
Gwen wiped away a tear or two. “The only ache I have is that I’m losing my new daughter; I haven’t gotten to know you well enough! You guys are going to live in El Paso, right? Will you keep in touch with me, and visit your old frail Momma weekly?
“OLD? Momma, you still stop young men in their tracks when you walk by!”
“Not just adults,” added Mal. “My cross-country friends Eddie and Pablo tell me I’ve got the hottest Mom they’ve ever seen.”
“See? Now do you believe me?” said William, nodding. He turned to the children. “I tell her all the time she’s a super-babe, but she thinks I’m just flattering her.”
“You guys are making me blush,” gasped Gwen.
William laughed. “Okay, okay. It’s hard for you to hear the truth. We’ll shut up-“
“I didn’t say y’all had to stop,” his wife whispered.
Willow motored her Buick SUV carefully down the road; after all, she was just in her first year of driving. That’s the year that people are most likely to have an accident, and this was her mother’s car. Furthermore, that parent was riding shotgun and watching her like a hawk.
They pulled up to the entry and the teen punched the remote gate control on the Buick’s panel.
“Wait just a second while I check this,” Gwen yelled as she opened her door and stepped to the mailbox. “Just one letter – or a card. It’s for Angie.”
“Pink envelope. Who’s the card from?” inquired Willow as they rode through the gates.
“Looks like it’s a card for her birthday; hmm, arriving actually a day early. That’s better than his usual one-or-two-weeks-late routine. Does that give you a hint?”
“Oh. It’s from my birth father, Roberto Ramos. Right?”
“Correct-a-mundo.”
“So he sent Angie a birthday card; and sent Mal one last July for his 15th. They got Christmas cards from him last winter. But ever since he disowned me for becoming Willow, he hasn’t acknowledged my existence.”
“That’s to be expected, daughter. You even told him on the phone you were never going to speak to him again. So this should come as no surprise, right? Are you upset at all about it?”
“Nope. Not at all, Momma. I’m fine. Peachy.”
“Umm … Willow,” said Gwen with narrowing eyes, “your face is getting red.”
The Eiken family had dinner that night together; afterwards the parents started gathering the dishes while the children went to their rooms to do homework.
“What’s up with Willow? She just stared down at her plate all meal, and didn’t say a word,” fretted William as he ran the sink water.
“She’s had a rough day emotionally. Angie got a birthday card from Roberto, and that set her off. She’s been trying to fight off an anger fit; I’ve talked with her, and she’s called her sponsor and Bernard. But she’s still hurt, badly. We need to pray for God to do something, because I can’t think of anything else to do,” replied Gwen.
“I know something you can do, Poppa.” Willow’s voice came from the kitchen entrance, and both adults spun around to look at her.
“Adopt me.”
William was taken aback. “Okay. It would be an honor. Tell me why you specifically want me to do this – at this point in time.”
“Poppa – you’ve been more of a daddy to me than my birth dad ever was. And I hate Roberto. I hate him! He’s just a lazy, pot-smoking, foul-mouthed sperm donor who despises me. I disgust him. I don’t want his name. He doesn’t deserve me having it! I know I’ll become Willow Andujar when I marry, but I don’t want to have Ramos even as a maiden name!”
William slowly produced an evil smirk with his mouth. “Boy, I bet that would stick in Roberto’s craw – for him to be rejected.”
“That’s what I want. Give him a taste of his own medicine.”
“I see,” nodded William, now sober-faced. “No.”
Both Willow and Gwen did a double take. “No?”
“No, I won’t agree to adopt you. Not for that. The main reason – the ONLY reason – to ask me to take my name on is if you truly want to be my child, legally. It should be done out of love – not hate, or hurt, or revenge. You can change it to anything – Smith, Jones, Hernandez, Chewbacca, Skywalker, whatever. But not my name – not for the wrong reason. Even if Roberto deserves it.”
“D – don’t you want me to be your daughter officially?” Willow’s bottom lip quivered, and she began to sniff back tears.
“Oh Willow,” said her Poppa as he took her in his arms. “I consider you my daughter fully, no matter what some piece of paper says. And in the future, if you wanted the Eiken name for the right reasons only, I’d gladly agree to it. But your heart needs to heal towards Roberto. Believe it or not, you need to forgive him.”
“He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness,” she sniffed, head planted firmly into her father’s shirt sleeve at the crook of his arm.
“I didn’t say he needs you to forgive him. You need you to forgive him. As long as that grudge eats at your soul it will destroy you, not to mention giving your toxic anger a doorway into your life. Don’t hold on to resentment towards him. It will hurt you more than it ever hurts him.”
“I – I don’t know if I can do it,” Willow bawled. “I don’t want to. I wish I wanted to, but I just don’t want to. I can’t forgive unless my heart’s really in it, right? It won’t work!”
“That’s not necessarily so,” William cooed. “Let’s do a little ritual.”
In the Eiken living room the fireplace was cradling some burning logs, as a cold front had blown through on this November day. A young woman squatted in front of the fire, holding five pages of legal notebook paper, all heavily written on.
“God,” she prayed, “these are all of the resentments I have against my dad Roberto. They are making my heart and life sick. As an act of my will, I forgive him of these, and I release them to your cleansing flame.”
She threw the pages into the furnace; they lit and burned up to black ashes quickly.
“Okay, God. I did my part. Now I ask you to change my heart; heal it up, and put love where there once was hate. I’m asking you because only you can do it.” She promptly buried her face in her hands and wept.
Gwen and William circled and held her in embrace.
“That was a big time grown-up thing you just did, Willow,” said Poppa
"Poppa ... it still hurts. When does the heartache go away? Did God hear me?"
"It might take months to get better, daughter. If the hurt starts again, repeat your words of forgiveness out loud. But in my experience, within days or weeks you'll start to feel the wound lessen. That's how you'll know total forgiveness is happening."
“So proud,” Momma choked out as she herself teared up. “So proud.”
To be continued tomorrow.
If you've made it this far, please leave a comment! Don't make me reach through the screen and tweak your nose!
Thanks for reading!
Comments
forgiving her father.
I hope she can.
Forty years ago I had to do this
My steady girlfriend of 2 years announced to me that we needed to break up - because she'd just gotten engaged to another guy. I was devastated, and the hurt wouldn't go away. I was guided into this forgiveness method by a friend, who told me to tell God and her that "I forgive her as an act of my will" - it almost felt more like I was legally releasing her of any official punishment - and then to let God deal with healing the scar in my heart.
I did so, and gradually the hurt resolved - but it was a little easier because I avoided seeing her or running into her. Then unexpectedly 2 months later I did run into her; she was with her new fiancé walking arm and arm. I was able to walk up to him, introduce myself, congratulate him on getting a great girl to marry, and leave after sincerely wishing happiness on both of them. My ex was amazed, as was I. So I thanked God for really healing my heart, for making forgiveness real.
That's the exercise I was trying to have William put Willow through. I think I could have explained it better.
Love ya Dot!
Hugz! - **Sigh**
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell
A little fast
She did the ritual and said the words, but it seems a little too fast for true forgiveness.
Okay, now I REALLY feel like I could've explained it better.
(See my reply to DorothyColleen above). It took two full months for true forgiveness to happen with me in that case; in other cases, it's taken longer. So, I don't think Willow will get the true heart healing that lasts with true forgiveness for a while. I may add a sentence or two to reflect that.
Thanks for your input, hon!
Hugz! - **Sigh**
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell
Easy for some, not so easy for others
When I was much younger I embraced the 'concept' of forgiveness, over the years though now 3 decades, it may be me being cynical but....
When you have been used, abused, raped multiple times since childhood, sold etc sooner or later you loose such 'faith' in the concept of forgivness.
Personally I see it as a farce.... if one cannot forget, one cannot forgive... forgivenes should be earned, penance must be reached and some things no amount of penance can equate for any degreee of forgiveness.
I am bitter, I know that... hell I am envious A.F.
The Moirae know, how much I could move on, forgive, forget, let go... so much guilt, disgust, resentment, anger, fury etc in my body makes me feel centuries older then I am, the weight on the heart ways much more then the heavens on the shoulders of atlas.
As much as I love fire.... fire pretty.... but ya.... does this even work? like for real?
I wish I had yours and willow's capabilities for such an act, let alone faith in forgiveness
With Love and Light, and Smiles so Bright!
Erin Amelia Fletcher
I hope I haven't been hurtful
With my Part 17 story or my replies above. I am so sorry for the abuse and pain that you've suffered. And I sure don't mean to suggest that there is a quick and easy forgiveness recipe that one can cook up in a jiffy and everything's okay. No one way of forgiving works for every situation. Just like some infections just need antibiotic; others need a pill prescription; others need the intensive care unit in the hospital with IV continuous antibiotics; and some ... well, some can't be cured.
My own view, based on observation/personal experience/Bible study: The concept of forgiveness is misunderstood, wrongly taught, and abused. One of my abusers told me "God forgives me, and He forgets about it; why can't you?"
Answers: (1) I'm not God. Why don't you act like God, and stop the crap??
(2) Even if I forgive you, that doesn't mean our relationship is restored. There are consequences to sin, to offense; if you burn a bridge, I can put the fire out, but the bridge remains gone.
But the fact remains for me (and lots of people) that my unforgiveness hurts me more than it ever hurts the one(s) who have wronged me. It's my life and emotions that stay screwed up, while they life their lives without a thought about what they did. Maybe they don't realize what they did; maybe they do but don't care. The deal is, my unforgiveness hurts me, limits me, and screws my life up. I have to try to forgive for MY sake, not for theirs.
Another forgiveness "myth" is that you can't forgive until you feel forgiveness in your heart; to say "I forgive" while you still hold resentment would be fake, and ineffective. The problem is, especially with abuse, that feeling may never change; we may die feeling that way. Try as I might, I cannot seem to change the way I feel about my abusers.
So I was taught this method actually out of the 12-step programs I follow. it involves almost treating these people as if my resentment was a legal claim I have against them. If I tear up the legal claim - the warrant for their arrest - then that allows my Higher Power to change what I cannot: my resentment towards my abuser.
I have experienced a degree of healing using this method, because my HP usually comes through for me. Now sometimes remaining healed requires I stay away from the ones who abused me (absolutely a requirement if they haven't changed!). But my thoughts are less tortured, and I struggle less with hate.
So do I have this down pat? Absolutely not. I have more baggage than a Samsonite factory. I just speak from personal experience about what has worked in my life, when I apply it. It seems there are new people every month that I have to forgive.
In explaining the above, It is not my intent to preach or demean. I'm willing to accept that this method may not work for everyone. I really needed my 12 step sponsor to help me with it, too.
When I hear you speak of the weight of the bitterness, resentment, anger, fury, and how it ages your soul, I ache for you - because in my own way I've felt that too. Again, though your abuse may be worse than mine (I'm not sure) I have felt those same emotions, that same weight and soul pain. I pray you will find relief and healing somehow, at least in part if not in full; be it through God, or a Higher Power, or something.
I love you, friend.
Thank you for your brave comment.
Hugz! - **Sigh**
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell
Thank you
I am sorry, I think I had one of my fits, everything I said is well accurate but I do not even remembering doing this last night.... Must have had one of my psych episodes, sorry
You did nothing wrong & have not hurt or caused me any pain luv.
I enjoy reading your stuff, I shall reread this too, for your message has warmed a chord inside me atm that is helping ty
With Love and Light, and Smiles so Bright!
Erin Amelia Fletcher
Thank you...
...as always or a great new chapter.
Willow is starting to find some rewards in life.
It is a feel good chapter that is needed in this story.
The whole forgiving her 'sperm doner', mmm I am not really buying that process.
I can agree that forgiveness is more for the one doing the forgiveness, but not the god part of it.
But, this is your story and you hold the reigns.
Always looking forward to a new chapter.
but it is the rare moments of beauty and peace
in between the chaos,
That makes it worth living."
- Tertia Hill
All I can say about that process
is that it's worked for me (in most cases) and in the lives of a lot of friends and relatives.
What it addresses is the need to get the bitterness and anger out of one's heart, and replace it with the calm of forgiveness.
The first time I did it, I felt stupid doing it. I was amazed that it worked! There wasn't a lot of religion involved; but a LOT of spirituality. It has continued to work for me, mostly, since. The "let it go" movement uses a similar technique. (Not talking about the Frozen movie.)
As always, I cherish your unique and insightful post, and thank you for the compliments!
Hugz! - **Sigh**
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell
I was about half way through my RLT
when it occurred to me I might wear a wedding dress someday. The thought really blew my mind (Still does, to a large extent), but then grim reality stepped in. The chances of me ever finding the right person are almost nil. Still, it is a giddy thought. I was over 50 when I transitioned, a lot of personal realities woman grow up assuming never occurred to me during my transition, things like loosing my last name, etc.
I'd like to see that!
You in a wedding dress, with a big smile on your face. Even if it was just for a modeling session. You deserve it!
Hugz! - **Sigh**
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell
Must think a lot of Bernard
For Gwen and William to give Bernard their permission to ask Willow to marry him shows they think the best about him. Bernard has shown them that not only does he love Willow but likes her as well. He also isn't coming across as a sex crazed teen anymore.
The forgiveness William talked about is hard to do when there's tons of hurt accompanying tons of memories. If that hurt and memories aren't dealt with, angry Bill can result when something triggers a memory. William didn't mention that some may not forgive because the pain can become a comfortable companion, one the person may not want to lose. If forgiving someone takes away the pain, what's it replaced with? Joy? How would a person know that if joy has never been part of their life? Willow has been experience more times of joy than she ever did as Bill.
Others have feelings too.
I agree - one can get comfortable with the pain of resentment
Yet resentment is an acid that eats away at the soul, and it affects more than just one's relationship with the person who did the offending. If it's not dealt with, it makes one spiritually (and even emotionally, relationally, and physically) sick. That's when good family support will help in making that big step.
Hugz! - **Sigh**
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell