Revelation

I printed copies of my notes and spreadsheet, for mom, Julie, and Joy, intending to call a family meeting that evening.

At dinner, I announced, “I think I have come to a decision. I would like to call another family meeting to review my thinking, and see if any of you have things I’ve overlooked.”

Mom replied, “That was quicker than I expected, but I think yesterday was a revelation for all of us.”

We all hurried through dinner and cleanup.

I started the meeting handing out my notes and spreadsheets and let the other 3 read them.

Joy was first to react, coming to me, with a lot of nervous energy and a big hug “I’m so happy my big sister is going to stay around and go to school with me!”

Mom added, “I was pretty dubious about this transgender thing. But after seeing you yesterday, I think this is a good decision.”

Julie chimed in, “Having been through this, and having guided many clients through this, I feel I need to warn you, that you are in a state of elation from your introduction to new girlhood. You cannot and will not stay as high as you’ve been for the last two days. You should give this decision a little more time before finalizing it. But I too, think this is a good decision for you.”

I felt good I was getting unanimous approval. I continued, “Do any of you have anything to add or discuss”

Mom, “Ahh, maybe we should discuss intrusive.”

I knew what she was referring to. Maybe it was too strong a word, but it was how it felt. “Mom, it’s just that it felt like you were a lot more protective of Charli than you were with Charlie. As boy Charlie, I knew you would be there if I needed you, but I felt free to make my own decisions even if they turned out to be mistakes. But as girl Charli, you seemed to be hovering, trying to stop me from even looking the wrong direction. I liked the relative freedom and invisibility I had as boy Charlie better.”

Mom said, “You probably have a good point. I liked the way I handled things with boy Charlie better too. I was just worried that we were giving you a decision that was too big for a 13-year-old, and without Jane to talk me down, I’m afraid that worry translated, to what you saw as hovering. Last night Julie gave me a sounding board like Jane used to. I hope, for both of us, that I will return to your old mom.”

I went to mom gave her a hug (often hugs are better than words), at least in this case the hug seemed right, and better than any words I could come up with.

The quiet smiles, all around, said everyone was happy with the resolution of “intrusive.”

Julie was next, “On the husband and father item, I think we need to keep that open until you finish high school. Then you will have to revisit this decision.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I think your current decision is to attend St. Katherine’s for the next two years. When you graduate, you will have the choice to attend college as a young man or as a young woman. I don’t think we should do anything to preclude either choice.” answered Julie.

“I think we can all agree on that.” inserted mom. Nods from Joy and I made it unanimous.

Julie continued, “We have a lot to do, to get you enrolled at St Katherine’s. First, we need to get you diagnosed as transgender. Legally I could do it, but ethically, I’m too close to your family even just as an honorary aunt, to do it. Tomorrow I will set you up with a new counselor. I think your mother should discuss this with the headmistress at St. Katherine’s. And I think we should have Jean and Jennifer with Jessie and Jasmine over for dinner.”

Jean and Jennifer were partners in a law firm that specializes in LGBT issues. They were also honorary aunts and partners in life. They had spent much time consulting with Frankie and Jane, before following their path to parenthood. Jessie(5) and Jasmine(3) were their little girls.

“I thought you said, I should wait to finalize the decision?” I asked.

“I did. It’s just that there is a lot to do, to get you enrolled at St. Katherine’s. And we need to get those things rolling. Maybe we should enroll you in self-defense classes in case you decide to go to Northside high as a boy.”

“Julie, that was uncalled for!” scolded mom.

“Sorry.” Julie apologized.

Joy jumped into the silence, “We have lots more shopping to do! And mom, can we both get our ears pierced.”

“If you both want to, it’s fine with me.”

At this point, the meeting devolved into Joy and mom planning a shopping trip, with my contribution being mostly nods. I wondered where Joy had gotten the shopping bug. I wondered if my brain structure was truly male and if I would ever understand females.

Moving Along

The next morning, when she came into the kitchen to get her first coffee of the day Julie said, “Charli you have a 10:00 appointment in my office. Frankie, the 4Js are coming for dinner Thursday evening.” She may or may not have been aware that mom, Joy and I were planning on going out for Lunch and an afternoon of shopping, but she neatly avoided a conflict.

At 10:00 Julie had a glass and a can of diet coke ready for me.

As I sat down, she said, “You have an 11:00 appointment with Sue Barnes on Wednesday. I have told her you are genderfluid, but we need her to certify you as transgender so you can attend St. Katherine’s. She seems sympathetic to our needs but needs to meet with you.
She is a cisgender female but has lots of LGBTQ client who generally like her. I don’t want you to lie to her. I’ve never caught you lying, but suspect you would not be very good at it. But you could tailor your answers to facilitate getting into a good safe school. For example, if she asks how you feel about your penis like I did, you could answer you would be afraid it could be a problem as a transgender girl, rather than you liked being able to point and shoot, as you did with me.”

“What did you tell your counselor about your penis and what did you really feel?” I asked.

“I’m only answering because I’m your parent. That is way too intrusive for a client. I hope you don’t try something like that with Sue. I told her, my counselor not Sue, that I didn’t like the constant reminder that I wasn’t the woman I wanted to be. That was the truth, I may have presented that more vehemently than the strength of my feelings dictated, to move things in the direction, I wanted them to go.” Answered Julie.

“Don’t lie about always feeling like a girl. Just say, until recently it didn’t seem to make much difference. That you grew up happy to be yourself and boy or girl didn’t matter. That you never really felt like a boy or a girl, just a happy kid. You can say that you feel better accepted and better liked when presenting as a girl. You can blame me for pointing out that you have feminine mannerisms and vocal patterns, that could cause problems in male social groups. “ Continued Julie.

“I think I get what you’re suggesting. I think I can handle it.” I responded.

“I’m sure you can handle it. I wish I understood as well as you do, at your age. I suggest you dress, the way you did for Fisherman’s Wharf. She will think of you as older and better able to carry this off.” said Jullie.

“You’re thinking like a woman!” I teased.

I think I detected a slight blush, but Julie continued on, “You also have a 2:00 appointment with Dr. Bob Bumgardner on Friday. He is an endocrinologist, but this can serve as your school physical also.

You might want to discuss testosterone blockers with him if you want to avoid growing a beard or having your voice change while attending St. Katherine’s.”

“That seems like a big step.” I quavered.

“It is! You really should talk with him, but my understanding is that anytime you stop, normal development resumes.”

“Wow this all is a lot more involved than I realized,” I said.

Julie responded, “Welcome to the adult world. You are better prepared than most. I also recommend you start attending my first and third Thursday evening transgender support group meetings they are held here in the living room. I think your sister and mother have your afternoon planned. We can discuss my history and how it relates to you during family time.”

With that my appointment with Julie was over. I hoped shopping would be less intense.

Lunch

We went to Ruby Tuesday for lunch. We all had the salad bar (the sacrifices of being a girl).

Mom asked, “How did the meeting with Julie go?”

“Your hovering is like a single knat to her swarm of bees,” I answered.

“She was too intense for you?” questioned mom.

“I would consider that an understatement,” I replied.

“I know she was having difficulty holding herself back, trying to not influence your decision. You have apparently opened the floodgates. What all did she do?” continued mom.

“She set up an appointment with another therapist, then coached me on what to say and what to wear. She also made an appointment with an endocrinologist. Then she strongly recommended I attend her twice monthly, transgender support group meetings. Then she offered more private discussion during “family time”. Whatever that is since she schedules clients from 9 AM to 10 PM, plus teaching classes at the University.” I replied.

“I hadn’t realized how little time Julie left herself away from her practice. I’ll try to get her to ease off on you, as well as on herself.” said mom.

At this point, Joy who had been squirming, burst in, “Mom, can we both get our ears pierced?”

“If that’s what you both want.” mom responded.

I hadn’t given this much thought, but I couldn’t resist Joy’s puppy dog eyes, “That would probably be a good idea.”

“Charli, don’t let Joy stampede you into, anything your not ready for.” mom added protectively.

“It’s OK, mom. I just hadn’t given it as much priority as Joy.” I said.

Trying to finalize that, Joy bubbled “Can we get cell phones?”

“Probably not today. I need to educate myself and confer with Julie.”

Clair’s

The first stop was Clair’s for earrings and ear piercing. We both picked diamond on stainless steel studs and medium-sized silver hoops (I think free piercing with two pair was their perpetual deal.)

Joy went first and tried hard to not show it hurt (she didn’t succeed).

As I waited my turn, the inner boy in me was raising objections, but the inner girl was much stronger wanting to move forward. I was so deep in my thoughts that the pop of the piercing gun startled me. The prick of the stud in my ear was less than I expected. The second ear seemed to hurt more, probably due to having more of my attention.

Leaving the store Charli felt pretty and more girly. But Charlie felt the dirt piling on his coffin.

More shoes

The next stop was the same shoe store, where Joy and I got matching black patent, Mary Janes.
Joy was much more enthusiastic, while I was absorbed with inner thoughts of losing Charlie.

The rest of the shopping was much the same, with my mind only half there. We got a number of blouses for school and more underwear.

Home

When we got home, we went to our rooms to put away our purchases.

Mom entered put an arm around me, sat us on my bed, and asked: “What’s wrong, honey?”

“I don’t know. I feel like I should be happier, but I keep worrying about losing the boy me. I thought making the decision would be the hard part, but now I find myself worrying that it is the wrong decision.”

She hugged me harder and said, “I love you, and will continue to love you, regardless of how this goes. For now, you have convinced me you have made the right decision. Till today you have seemed happier as a girl, and I think the school will be much better for you at Saint Katherine’s. I think it would be best that you concentrate on enjoying the next two years as a girl. Then you can revisit the decision when it’s time to go to college. Don’t worry about what you should feel. Just let yourself feel, and be free to express your feelings. That is one major advantage of being a girl.”

I hugged her back, saying, “Thank you, mom! I know you’re right and I feel better. But how do I get the boy Charlie, to stop haunting me?”

“Maybe you can talk to Julie about that, but I suspect James still haunts her,” she answered.

With a final hug, she left.

Joy came in seconds later, asking, “What’s wrong, sis.”

I thought about trying to keep it from her, but decided that wouldn’t work. So I answered, “Just a little worried, about what I am doing to your brother.”

“You’re just letting him experience the world from the better side,” she answered.

“How can you know that?” I asked.

“You have the chance to find out for yourself. Just relax and enjoy the trip,” she answered.

I didn’t have a quick reply, so I just gave her a hug.

She returned the hug, saying, “You hug better as a girl.”

They were right. I should just enjoy the road I had chosen, and stop second guessing myself.

Nevertheless, I got Julie alone that evening and asked, “Does James still haunt you?”

After a thoughtful pause, she answered, “I don’t think I would call it haunting. But James is still a large part of me. Deciding what part that is, has been and continues to be a long and often painful process. I think labeling part of me Julie and a separate part James only adds to the problems. There is only one of me and one of you. Masking or denying parts of yourself is bad for your mental health. I find it easier letting the James parts of Julie show and grow than I did let the Julie parts of James show. I am happier as Julie. You have to work through this with boy Charlie and girl Charli. You need to learn how to be the best you, which should include both boy and girl parts, not just a boy or girl choice. When I started to transition, I thought I was changing from boy to girl. But I’ve come to view it as changing from trying to give the world what I thought it wanted, to letting myself be me. You are a wonderful person, and the world will be happy with your true self, whatever that may be.”

The advice seemed to all be saying, let yourself be you, and all will be well. “How do I know what my true self is?” I asked.

“I am afraid it’s trial and error learning. Go out and try different behaviors, and see what feels right for you,” answered Julie.

“Like this afternoon getting my ears pierced. It seemed like boy Charlie was screaming, I’m not ready for this. And girl Charlie was saying shut up, I’m in charge, and I want it.” came out.

“And you feel bad about the way you shut down the boy Charlie's voice?” questioned Julie.

“Yes, but it still seems like the right thing to have done,” I answered.

“I think it was the right choice. I think boy Charlie was fighting loss of control more than the ear piercing. By the way, they enhance your beauty nicely. I think they would enrich boy Charlie’s appearance also.” said Julie.

“Thank you. Did you have this kind of internal battle, when you transitioned?” I asked.

“I think everyone has these internal battles all the time. The trouble is that when transitioning, it’s all too easy to see them as the world against you. I would like to see you get back to seeing being a transgender girl, as an exciting new adventure. And not worrying about it being a betrayal of your boy nature.” said Julie.

“That’s easier said than done,” I replied.

“Very true. But the attitude you approach this with can be either your best tool, for dealing with it, or your biggest obstacle. It’s your choice.” said Dr. West.

Headmistress

At 2:00 on Tuesday Frankie walks into her meeting with the headmistress (principal) of St. Katherine’s, Grace Able.

Grace greet’s “Frankie, welcome back. When I started as headmistress, you were one of my best teachers. You not only got them to learn, but you also got them to like it. A wonderful combination.
You let them know you cared and that they could trust you. I am overjoyed to have you back on the faculty.”

“Thank you. You were the best boss I’ve ever had,” replied Frankie.

“That was because you were a nearly perfect employee, needing little direction and virtually no correction,” said Grace.

“You may not think that after I ask your help with a family problem,” said Frankie.

“What’s that?” asked Grace.

“The psychologist testing the children for school placement, has suggested my oldest might be better off, attending school as a transgender girl,” said Frankie.

“Surely, the trained discerning teacher, you are, would have picked up on this long ago.” replied Grace.

“I think we should refer to Charli, with i no e, with feminine pronouns. She and her sister were brought up in an isolated gender-neutral environment. They were allowed to play with dolls or cars and trucks without censure. Charli didn’t think of herself as a boy or a girl, just as a happy kid. Gender didn’t make much difference, as she was growing up. We didn’t treat them differently because one was male and the other female. Charli has spent a short time exploring the female role. And to my surprise, she is much more convincing as a girl than as a boy, and I might add much happier. Charli with our family has decided that she wants to pursue her education as a transgender girl. No, I didn’t notice early on. I didn’t even notice that she had picked up feminine mannerisms and vocal patterns, until the psychologist pointed them out. But, I now see how difficult they could make life, as a boy in public high school. I’ve lost lots of sleep, and beat myself up for my shortcomings as a mother. But we need to move forward from where we are, not bemoan how we got here.” stated Frankie.

Grace had to reach up, to pat Frankie on the back. “We are all human. We all take wrong turns in life. I wasn’t accusing you, of being a bad mother. I want to do all I can to help. We do have a policy of accepting transgender students. But, from my point of view, it’s been something of a disaster so far. We have one transgender student. She is a residential student who will be returning to 10th grade this year. There was some bullying and harassment, but I feel we have most of that under control. But she has been identified and become something of a pariah. Most students are afraid to even be seen sitting with her at lunch.”

“Are you saying the same would happen to Charli?” asked Frankie.

“I’m afraid it might. Charli would be a commuting student, and it might be easier to keep it secret, but many on the faculty know your first child was a son. I would like to meet this young lady.” replied Grace.

“We should be able to arrange that, though the psychologist has her scheduled pretty heavy with second opinions, medical and legal consultation. But as an introduction, I have the psychologist’s files for both sisters. I need to return the originals, but you can copy what you may need.” stated Frankie.

Grace spent about 20 minutes going through the files, then had her administrative assistant make copies. “Very impressive! You want to place Charli in 11th grade, and Teresa in 10 grade?” she asked.

“Of course, we would like your opinion, but that was the psychologist’s recommendation. We have called the younger girl TJ, but she wants to change to Joy for school.” answered Frankie.

“Academically, I am fine with that placement. The real questions are social adjustment, I’ll reserve that judgement until I meet with the girls. I’d like about 45 minutes with Charli, then 30 with Joy, and then 30 with both together, then 15 with all three of you, and finally 15 with just you.”

“I’ll have to check Charli’s schedule. I’ll get back to you. That’s one thing you always do well. You are very clear with your expectations.” said Frankie.

“I want to reiterate that I am very happy to have you back on the faculty. I think I am going to like having your daughters here too.” said Grace.

Frankie left the office with a “Thank you.”

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