Portrait


by Leslie Moore

Chapter Three

As we walked along through the park with Mabel, we both enjoyed the warmth from the afternoon sky.

Matt turned to me with a smile. “So what did you think?”

I smiled back. “I think that Lisa is hot for you. I think your paintings are beautiful. I’m impressed with your talent and I wonder what it’s like to stand there and look at all you’ve accomplished in a year’s time.”

Matt didn’t say anything. I assumed he was digesting the large lump I’d just handed him. “Okay. Thanks for the compliment.”

We watched Mabel as we headed through the park and away from the street and traffic. I slipped her off her lead and she stopped. She turned to me and I nodded.

As soon as I nodded she moved about thirty feet away and started putting her nose to the ground and trotting. We watched her for a few minutes without talking.

“Would you go out with me on a date?” He glanced at me when he asked.

I looked at him and shook my head. “No, I don’t think so.”

“Why?”

“Well, first because I’m trans and well, it’s just not right to tease someone into thinking I can perform what they want.”

“How do you know what I want?”

“I don’t. But, if we remain friends then we don’t have to find out. And there’s more.”

He smiled. “Oh?”

“If we went out, I think I’d feel the need to either reform you or defend you.”

He smiled. “Well, that sounds like a maybe.”

I looked at him. “I’ve seen you twice. Once where you were a falling down mean drunk ready to get into a fight with anyone. And the second time today when you are a delight.”

He nodded. “I’ve wondered why’d you bring me home that night?”

“Well, I didn’t know what to do with you after I got you into a cab. I didn’t think you were able to take care of yourself so I brought you home.”

“Were you afraid of me then?”

“Yes, I was. But Mabel was right there the whole time. Normally, she sleeps downstairs in the kitchen. That night, she was in bed with me. All I would have to do was call her.”

He nodded. “Yep. What do you say when you’re in trouble?”

“Merda”

He nodded.

“It means shit in Italian.” I whistled to Mabel and she came running back. She looked at me and sat. I patted her and hooked her back up. We both continued to walk.

“So you’d need to train me like you trained Mabel?”

I laughed. “Only if we were dating. But, if we stayed friends, then you could be who you need to be.”

“So, let me get this straight. You’d date the second version of me, but not the pathetic drunk?”

“No.” I smiled. “I’m not going to date you because I am trans. I would love to have you as a friend, but being a transsexual has its own baggage. From the looks of you, you don’t need any more baggage in your life.”

“How can you say that when you’ve only met me two times?”

“No one gets so wasted drunk, so angry drunk unless they own lots of baggage. You’re probably a sweet, wonderful, sensitive, caring person. But, your problems must be wrapped tightly around your core. You don’t need my ups and downs mixed up in your life.”

He looked at me and stopped. We stood there on the sidewalk.

I kept talking. “Seriously. If we were friends, I could help you, care for you, and bolster you up when you’re down. And we’d be able to stay friends. But dating would just fuck it up.”

“You’ve never been in love, have you?”

I had to think about that. “I’ve held myself back from that kind of attachment. I do just fine. But when a guy pretends to like you because he wants to experience gay sex and it seems easier with someone trans, then I get my heart broken. So, no. I don’t fall in love.”

Matt got a bit defensive. “I’m that kind of guy? I want to date you just to experience gay sex?”

I had said too much and I wanted to take it back. I put my hand on Matt’s arm. “I’m sorry, Matt. I don’t know if you’re that kind of guy. I just don’t think that I’m secure enough to date a handsome guy who has beautiful women throwing themselves at him. I don’t know what I have to offer a guy who’s obviously rich and very talented. I can’t compete. I don’t know anything. I can’t afford to be hurt.” I was at the point of breaking down and crying right there in traffic. I could feel Mabel getting agitated and pulling on her leash. I think we were both at a breaking point.

Through my tears, I just wanted to run away from all of this. Sometimes being so honest is frustrating. I think I was at my breaking point. “I’m going to catch a cab. I think we’ve had enough today.” I went to raise my hand.

Matt reached over and pulled my hand down and held it. “I’m sorry, too. I just wanted you to say yes so we could continue being together this way. I want to talk again with you and ask you again, but I will be happy to be your friend in the meantime. Please let me take you home.”

I was wiping the tears from my eyes before they started to fall. I told Mabel to heel and then said bene. We walked back outside the gallery and climbed into the big car.

As we rode along, Matt whispered in my ear. “I think you’re beautiful. I think you’re honest. I know you are kind. You helped me when I was dealing with my demons and gave me your couch. I am better than that night. I can be trained. I can remain celibate if you’ll just kiss me and let me hold you. I just want to be with you.”

I looked at him like he was crazy. Beautiful? Who was he looking at?