The Columnist

Samantha Jones was a columnist for a conservative newspaper in Canada. She wrote about all sorts of topics but more recently she wanted to discuss gender norms. Canada had recently legalized gay marriage and had made it easier for transsexuals to change their legal gender. So easy, in fact, that it was ripe for mocking.

“So, if I wanted to, I could stroll into a government office and change my gender on my ID. I don’t need to take hormones or give any proof that I am transitioning. I just go in, fill out the form, and that’s it,” she said in disbelief.

Her openly gay friend, Will, merely smiled in amusement. The two would often meet for coffee to talk about politics. He was a liberal but enjoyed her perspective. Samantha appreciated Will because he gave honest opinions and wasn’t the type to rat her out on social media. Everything they said to each other was between them.

“Yeah, but why would you want to?” Will asked.

“To show how crazy the system is. Do I look like a man to you?” she asked with exasperation.

“So, gender is defined by whether you look the part?” Will challenged.

“It should be based on your chromosomes,” she insisted.

“That’s sex, not gender. Two different things,” he said.

“It shouldn’t. They should both be the same,” she said.

Will took a sip of his coffee as he thought about his point. “If a man that looked exactly like a woman were to come into this coffee shop, what restroom should he use?”

“The men’s,” Samantha replied.

“Alright, and what do you think would happen if that were to occur? Be practical,” he said to her.

“I don’t care. Maybe, he shouldn’t be dressed as a woman in the first place,” Samantha said stubbornly.

“It’s still going to happen though. There are thousands of them in this country,” Will pointed out.

“They should be made to transition and have a sex change before their ID is changed,” Samantha argued.

“I don’t think its a big deal. People need to be more tolerant,” Will said.

“Do you really think a man in a dress should be allowed in the woman’s restroom?” Samantha asked.

“You have created a false narrative. There are male-to-female transsexuals that look even more feminine than real women,” Will said. “How are they a threat?”

“I am going to show you how easy it is for anyone to change their gender. It’s going to prove that according to this government, men and women are interchangeable,” she said.

“You won’t do it. No balls,” Will smirked.

***

That week Samantha filed the legal paperwork to change her gender from female to male on all her documents. The process was fairly easy and painless. No one questioned the request. Samantha made no effort to transition or look masculine in any way. Within a week, she had a new driver’s license with her gender as M. Victorious in her trolling, she went back to Will.

“So, I did it,” she said grinning.

Will looked over the driver’s license. “So, you have,” he said impressed.

“That makes me a gay man doesn’t it?” Samantha mocked.

“You’re not my type. I like my men without breasts,” he smiled.

“This shows the system is absurd,” Samantha said.

“It shows that you are absurd,” Will replied.

***

Samantha wrote a column on how easy it was for her to change her gender. After she had submitted her column to her editor, she went on social media to brag about what she had done. Her followers immediately mocked the government. Samantha made sure everyone knew that this young feminine woman was now legally recognized as a man in Canada. The column caught fire boosting Samantha’s profile in the conservative movement.

Over the next few weeks, Samantha ruthlessly mocked the system by going into men’s restrooms. She even took a few selfies with smiling guys behind her who also thought the situation was absurd. Eventually, a cop pulled her aside.

“What are you doing, miss?” he asked her condescendingly.

“I’m a man,” Samantha replied with a smile.

“Show me your ID,” the cop asked impatiently.

She handed it over and the cop checked the ID on his computer to make sure. “Well, I’ll be damned. You can be on your way, Sir,” the cop said to her.

Samantha entered bars using her new ID and got a good laugh with the patrons present. She even began the process to enlist in the Canadian Armed Forces as a man although the recruiter didn’t take her seriously. Driving to New York City, she put a headlock on the bronze statue of the little girl facing down the bull. Her followers immediately mocked the picture as a white male oppressing the little girl. In all of this, Samantha never appeared anything other than a woman.

Her boss eventually pulled her in for a pep talk. “You got balls,” he complimented. “But you need to refocus on other issues.”

“Like what? Tax reform?” she asked incredulously.

“Don’t drag this out longer than it has to be. It’ll get old real quick,” her boss recommended.

“I haven’t had this recognition since I got here. I have really struck a nerve,” Samantha said.

“Not all publicity is good,” her boss warned.

***

Samantha did follow her boss’ advice and refocused on other issues she cared about. She didn’t bother changing her gender back. It wasn’t long before things started to get weird. One night, she was at the club. She struck up a conversation with an attractive guy but then he seemed to notice her.

“You’re Sam Jones,” he said recognizing her.

“Yep,” she said. People called her Sam for short all the time and it didn’t bother her.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I’m not into dudes,” he said excusing himself.

“What the fuck? I am all woman. That was a joke,” she clarified for him.

“You mean, you don’t have a penis under there?” the man asked.

“Fuck no. You really think I’m a man?” she asked incredulously.

“I don’t know. There’s a lot of weird shit out there. Can’t be too careful,” he said and then backed away.

“Fucking idiot,” Samantha said disturbed by the incident.

***

Samantha decided to write about the incident, and her followers ate it up. The unknown man was mocked by hundreds of her followers for being an idiot. Of course, Samantha Jones was a woman. Who would think otherwise?

“Honest mistake, maybe,” Will smiled amused.

“No, he must have been drunk,” Samantha said irritably.

“How do you justify your hedonistic lifestyle with your family values?” Will asked curiously.

“I wasn’t going to fuck him,” Samantha said defensively.

“So, you’re a tease,” Will realized.

“I don’t have any obligation to do anything just because a man gives me a drink,” Samantha replied.

“Why not experience it from my side?” Will suggested.

“What do you mean?” Samantha asked.

“Go to a gay bar with me and start giving men drinks. See what happens?” Will said.

“You want me to dress up as a man?” she asked.

“No, dress as you usually are,” he clarified.

“It’s a gay bar. They won’t accept me. They’re gay,” she reminded him.

“I am well aware of that which is why I know you will be rejected by all of them,” Will smirked.

“So, what’s the point?” she asked.

“To know what it feels to be rejected,” Will replied.

***

Samantha would normally not be caught dead in a gay bar but this was a social experiment. She came in with Will and sat down not expecting anything to happen. Women occasionally went to gay bars to chill and not be harassed. It wasn’t a big deal.

“Who’s your date?” one man asked Will referring to Sam.

“This is Sam Jones,” WIll introduced.

“Oh, I’ve heard of you. Are you two really dating?” he asked curiously.

“No, we’re just friends,” Sam replied.

“Mind if I get you a drink then?” the man asked.

Sam was getting weird vibes. The whole point of being in a gay bar was not to be propositioned. “Uh, I’m good,” Sam said showing the man her already existing drink.

Sam and Will decided to get a booth away from the crowds. “That was odd,” Sam remarked.

“It’s possible he’s Bi,” Will suggested.

Sam shrugged. It was possible. “Lucky man,” another guy said as a group of men approached their booth.

”Aren’t I?” Will said mockingly.

“Your date looks stunning,” he complimented Sam.

“We’re not dating,” Sam clarified again.

“That’s a shame,” the man said and then the group moved on.

“Was he Bi too?” Sam asked Will.

Will merely shrugged. “It would appear my social experiment has failed. Everyone loves you apparently.”

“Oh really? Let’s see what happens when I do it,” Sam said leaving the booth.

Sam went up to a random guy who seemed by himself at the moment. She wasn’t attracted to him even if he was straight. “Hey, you want to get out of here and go to your place?” Sam propositioned.

The man eyed Sam wondering what to make of her. “Absolutely,” he said smiling.

“But you’re gay,” Sam questioned him.

“So?” he asked.

“Look, I have tits and a vagina,” Sam pointed out.

“All of that is secondary to how you feel inside. I know who you are Sam Jones. If you say you’re a man, I’ll believe you,” the man said.

“It was just a joke,” Sam said frustrated.

Will intervened before Sam could make a scene. “He’s a little tipsy.”

“He? Fuck you,” Sam said to Will.

“I understand, brother,” the man nodded.

“I think we should end our little social experiment before you do end up going home with a man,” Will suggested.

“You’re all fucking weird, all of you,” Sam said under her breath.

***

Sam woke up with a terrible hangover and found herself at Will’s apartment. “What the fuck happened last night?” she asked.

“You were quite popular. I’m actually quite jealous,” Will said.

“Did you set me up? Did you pay those people to say those things?” Sam asked.

“I’m hurt you would think that about me,” Will said with mock annoyance.

“I need to get back to my place,” Sam said feeling groggy and uncomfortable.

“Do you need a ride?” Will offered.

“I can get a cab,” Sam replied and walked out.

***

Back at her apartment, Sam immediately got out of her dress. It felt so restricted as if it were a size too small. Sam looked at herself in the mirror wondering if she was getting fat. She dieted and exercised regularly but the scale indicated she had gained a few pounds. While still in her underwear, Sam looked at her voice mails. She got a call from her former college roommate she had been friends with for years. She decided to call Alice back.

“What’s up?” Sam greeted.

“Oh, Sam. I heard you changed your gender on your ID,” she gushed.

“I sure did,” Sam said amused.

“So, maybe we could get together for coffee or something,” Alice suggested.

“Alice, we haven’t had coffee in years. What’s this all about?” Sam asked.

“Well, you know, things have changed haven’t they. You’re into women, right?” Alice asked.

“No, what gave you that idea?” Sam asked.

“So, you’re gay?” Alice asked confused.

“Listen, Alice, I am a straight woman,” Sam clarified very slowly so her friend would understand.

“But…but…,” Alice stuttered confused.

Sam hung up and shook her head. The whole world was descending into madness.

***

Sam entered the doctor’s office for her routine physical. The long wait annoyed her and it inspired her to write about how much she hated Canadian health care. Finally, she was seen by the doctor. “It would appear you have gained weight since your last physical,” the doctor noted.

“Just muscle mass. I’ve been working out,” Sam said, proud of herself.

“Well, just make sure you stay away from fatty foods or you’ll stomach won’t be so smooth,” the doctor advised.

“Wouldn’t the fat go to other places before it gets to my gut?” Sam asked. She figured it would go to her thighs and maybe her ass first.

“You don’t have anything to worry about now but when we age, fat will deposit there,” the doctor said. “Also, you might want to get a prostate exam. I know its a little early but if you feel comfortable, I can schedule one.”

“What are you talking about? I don’t have a prostate,” Sam said annoyed.

“I saw that you changed your gender on the paperwork,” the doctor clarified.

“I’m a woman. You’re a doctor. Can’t you tell that I am a FEMALE?” Sam asked annoyed.

“As a physician, I have to approach the body biologically, not based on how you feel inside,” the doctor said delicately.

“I am biologically a woman with XX chromosomes,” Sam told him.

The doctor simply gave her a blank look. “Fuck it,” Sam said angrily and left the doctor’s office.

***

Sam needed a person to vent to. “Even the doctor is acting like a loon. The whole system is fucked,” she said.

Will calmly took a sip of his coffee. “How do you know for sure you have XX chromosomes? Have you ever tested yourself genetically?”

Sam gave Will an annoyed look. “A person with XY chromosomes doesn’t have a womb and ovaries.”

“Good point,” Will conceded.

***

After a few weeks, Sam noticed something distressing about herself. Her period was late, and she immediately figured she was pregnant. She always insisted her partners use a condom but somehow it must have happened. She took a pregnancy test and to her relief it was negative. Stumped, she figured she had just been stressed out recently. Missed periods weren’t too uncommon.

More distressing was an usual amount of hair growth all over her body. She figured it was just a hormone balance. She could try to get a doctor to look into it but the wait was too long. As she shaved her body, it became obvious what was happening to her. She looked at her face in the mirror.

“I’m becoming a man,” she realized.

Panicked, Sam went to the government office to change her gender back to female. This was worse than anything she could imagine. Big Brother was watching her and somehow changing her into a man. It was all a grand conspiracy against her. It was because she was an outspoken conservative and opponent of the government. When she got there, the office was closed for a holiday. She wouldn’t be able to do it until Monday.

“Fuck, what am I going to do?” she wondered.

***

Sam went to the gym to rid herself of these anxieties. She tried not to think about how well she was doing on the treadmill from weeks before. She was just in better shape is all. Once she was done, she was unusually sweaty. Deciding to take a shower, she entered the woman’s locker room. Immediately, she faced a negative reaction.

“What are you doing here? This is the woman’s locker room,” a female patron said to her.

“Bitch, I am a woman,” Sam said annoyed.

Other women started protesting as well. “What’s wrong with you? Can’t you tell?” she said to them. “Look, I have tits just like you,” she said taking off her shirt.

The women were not convinced and hurled insults at her until a security guard came by. “What’s the problem, ladies?” she asked.

“There’s a man in the lady's locker room,” they said as if it were obvious.

“They’re talking about me. I’m not a man. I have breasts and a vagina,” Sam told her.

The guard looked at her skeptically. “Do you have an ID?” she asked.

Sam gave her ID over to the guard. “It says male on this ID,” the guard said to her.

“Yeah, I have to get that fixed. It was done as a joke,” Sam said defensively.

“Well, it's making the other ladies here uncomfortable, so I am going to have to ask you to leave,” the guard said to her.

Sam was kicked out of the gym and her gym membership was revoked. “Idiots. Do they really expect me to shower in the men’s locker room,” she said out loud.

Sam then touched her chest as if to reassure her of her femininity. To her dismay, she could barely feel anything. Her chest was nearly flat. “Fuck, I need help,” she realized.

***

Will heard a knock on his door and opened to find himself in front of a very masculine looking Samantha. “I didn’t know who to come to. I’m scared. I’m freaking out,” Sam stuttered.

“Come in. What’s the problem?” Will asked concerned.

“At first, it was the body hair. I could deal with that. Then it was the muscles, and I was cool with that too. But then I got taller, my body got bigger, and just look at my chest,” Sam said taking off her top.

Will could see that her chest was completely flat and her nipples were smaller. If he hadn’t known any better, he would just assume she was a man. “Well, you can get plastic surgery and…,” Will suggested.

“I’m turning into a man. I’m growing a dick too,” Samantha revealed. “It has to be caused by that prank. I don’t know what to do,” Sam said alarmed.

“Okay, let’s focus on the problem. A prank at the government office doesn’t cause this,” Will said reasonably.

“Then what could it be?” Sam asked.

“Maybe a hormonal imbalance,” Will suggested.

“I have a dick and balls. How is that a hormone imbalance?” Sam asked him.

“You mind if I see it?” Will asked.

Sam reluctantly took off her pants and then took off her panties. Will could see a small flaccid penis and what appeared to be two small testicles underneath. He could also see that she was growing some navel and pubic hair. “Well, that is unusual,” he admitted.

“I don’t want to be a man. I don’t want to have to fuck girls. I wouldn’t even know how to. I can’t live like this,” Sam said anxiously.

Will knew there was nothing that could be done. There were powers beyond comprehension at work here. He had to find a way to help Sam accept her situation. He got closer to her and kissed her. Sam had never kissed Will before. For a moment, her anxiety disappeared. She was kissing a man. This was good.

“I really needed that, Will,” Sam said feeling better about herself. “You make me feel like a woman again.”

“That’s not what’s really happening here,” Will objected as Sam kissed him again. The two became more intense moving over to the kitchen counter. “Take your clothes off, Will,” she ordered.

“You’re not thinking straight, Sam,” Will protested.

“Don’t call me that. Just for one day, I need you to be straight,” Sam said grabbing his belt.

“Okay,” Will allowed and took off his shirt.

Sam ground up against him as if she were in the club. “I need you inside me, Will,” she said to him.

“You don’t know what you’re asking,” Will told her.

“Please, Will, be a good friend,” Sam said to him.

Will sighed and simply decided to go with it. Maybe, if he actually did, it would wake her up. Will led her over to the bed and placed her on her stomach. He took off his pants and got on top of her. Very little of the female Sam remained. Her hips had become less wide, her legs were hairier, and her breasts were gone.

Will placed his cock at her vaginal entrance, the only thing female remaining. He slowly worked himself an inch inside her but it was as if her body was resisting him. Sam tensed up painfully as he tried to get more inside. She was dry and unreceptive despite what she was telling him. Strangely, her new cock was getting harder.

“I don’t think it's going to work,” Will told her.

“Why not?” Sam asked displeased.

“It’s too dry, too tight,” Will told her.

“Put in my butt then,” Samantha said refusing to be denied. She scared herself with what she was saying to him. The thought of anal sex with a guy was gross if not immoral to her former self.

Will sighed and decided to do as she asked. He placed his cock at her entrance and then slowly went inside her. Samantha tensed up in pain but kept him going. Will eventually got himself all in and then rested on top of her.

“You good?” he asked her.

“Yeah, now fuck me,” she said softly.

Will complied thrusting deep inside her slowly at first. Samantha felt an odd pleasure she had never felt before. She was too engrossed with what was happening to realize her prostate gland was being rubbed.

“Yeah, that feels good,” Sam said pleased.

It felt good for Will as well, so he continued. Sam moaned as if she were still a female as Will pressed himself into her. She felt relieved it would be impossible to get pregnant this way. She felt totally safe. Finally, WIll came inside her.

Sam still felt sexually frustrated. It wasn’t enough for her. Will withdrew and Samantha got on her back to look at him. As she did, she stared at her flat chest, her abs, and her growing male sex organs. Her head was clear for a moment as she realized her femininity was completely gone.

“Oh God, Will, I’m a man,” he moaned.

“It’s going to be okay,” Will assured him.

“What am I going to do? I’ll be fired for sure. How am I going to make it?” he asked feeling stressed out.

“Don’t worry about it. Let me make you feel good, alright,” Will offered.

Sam nodded unsure of what Will intended. He slowly placed his lips onto Sam’s cock and began licking. Sam moaned as he felt a new sensation. It wasn’t quite as intense as when a man went down on her clit but it was still something. Sam’s cock became harder and Will intensified while rubbing his balls. After only a few minutes, Sam felt something surge through his dick.

“Something’s happening,” he said alarmed.

Will ignored him and kept going. Sam could feel it building and then realized what it was. “I’m going to cum, Will,” he said.

Suddenly, Sam shot into Will’s mouth and felt several intense explosions of pleasure. Sam felt like he was being shocked. He grabbed the sheets as Will continued to suck on him. It was so sensitive right at that tip. Sam squirmed until the shocking pleasure went away. He immediately felt tired and drained.

“That was great,” Sam complimented Will.

“Glad you enjoyed it,” Will replied.

“I feel so tired. Is this normal?” Sam asked concerned

“Yeah, it's normal. Why don’t you get so some sleep,” Will advised.

Sam did just that forgetting his predicament for the moment.

***

Sam awoke feeling odd. It didn’t take him long to see his flaccid coke and balls underneath the sheets. “Right,” he muttered.

Will was already up working on breakfast. Sam entered the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. What he saw was actually pleasant to look at. Sam’s body was hot, at least from his perspective. He looked down and cautiously touched his dick. It felt so exposed to the world. So in need of protection. He couldn’t imagine what it would feel to get kicked there.

Sam touched around looking for a vaginal opening. Sensing nothing, he realized the hard truth. He was completely a man, perhaps permanently. For some odd reason, this didn’t bother him so much. It was almost a relief. The changes were done and his fate had been revealed. A confidence started to build up inside him. He could do this.

Sam awkwardly entered the kitchen totally naked gaining Will’s attention. “I don’t suppose I can borrow some clothes,” he asked.

“Certainly. I think they may actually fit you,” Will said. He dropped what he was doing and looked for some clothes.

Sam put on male underwear for the first time and put on a t-shirt and shorts. “Thanks, WIll,” Sam said appreciatively.

“No problem. I got you some eggs,” he said giving Sam a plate.

“Why are you so good to me? Aren’t I an enemy to you?” Sam asked.

“It's kind of like a broken window. You break the window and I get hired to fix it,” he smiled.

“Wouldn’t you prefer it if we were both on the same side?” Sam asked.

“Sure, but politics isn’t everything. You make a good living doing what you do. You make your people happy sort of,” Will said politely.

“They’re going to fire me for this,” Sam muttered.

“Maybe,” Will allowed.

“I don’t know what to do. If I lose my job, I might have to rely on the government. I would hate myself for betraying what I believed,” Sam said.

Will gave Sam a sympathetic look. “There is another option. Stay with me.”

“I can’t crash at your place,” Sam rejected.

“Not like that. Stay with me as my partner. We can get through this together,” Will offered.

Sam stared at Will. He was attractive, but he never considered the idea because he was gay. Now, things had changed. “You’re attracted to me now?” Sam tested.

“You look good and your inexperience is amusing. It’s annoying having a partner who thinks he knows it all in the bedroom,” Will said.

“We would be a gay couple,” Sam realized.

“You catch on quick,” Will joked.

“I don’t know,” Sam said. His thoughts were filled with uncertainty. The alternative was being with girls. That seemed even worse.

“If you’re not comfortable I understand…,” WIll said.

“I want to know what it feels like. Take your clothes off,” Sam interrupted.

“This could hurt a little,” Will warned.

“No, you’re going to be on the bottom this time,” Sam said.

Will gave her an amazed look. “Very well then.

***

Sam and WIll found themselves passionately kissing in the bedroom. Sam’s dick was so hard it was begging for release. “Okay, let’s do this,” Sam said putting lubricant on his dick.

Will opened his legs and readied himself. “Don’t go crazy,” he said to her.

Sam nodded and gently went inside him. He felt so powerful penetrating another person. He had never dominated a man before. It thrilled him as he saw his dick go all the way inside. “Thrust gently,” Will said.

Sam went at a slow pace and came within a few minutes. “Wow, that didn’t last long at all. I’m sorry,” he apologized.

“It’s alright,” Will allowed.

Sam went down on Will’s dick and began to suck on him. He knew how to do it from when he was a woman. Will smiled surprised by Sam’s skill. He could definitely get used to this. Will didn’t take long to cum inside Sam’s mouth.

“Are we done?” Sam wondered as both of them were flaccid.

“It will take a little while for it to get back up. We can take a break and try again later,” Will suggested/

“Yeah, I like that idea,” Sam smiled.

***

The next day, Sam came into the office expecting to be fired. He arrived in one of Will’s suits. A number of fellow employees complimented Sam on his suit. “Looking sharp,” one of them said to him.

“Sam, come to my office,” his boss said awkwardly.

Sam entered the office and closed the door behind him. This was the moment he would be fired for being a female-to-male transsexual and a gay man. The boss gave him a look over as if trying to see any familiar feature.

“Take a seat,” the boss told him.

“I want you to know that we have no discrimination policy here. I don’t care who the writer is as long as the content is good. The writer could be a man, woman, straight, gay, or your special case,” the boss said.

“Thanks,” Sam said confused.

“You will have to undergo a sexual harassment class sometime this week. It continues to be our policy that there be no office romances or sexual harassment of any kind,” the boss said reading from a script.

“Sure,” Sam agreed.

“There is a dress code for men that is to be followed. Nice suit,” the boss continued. “I think that’s it,” the boss concluded.

“You’re not going to fire me?” Sam asked bluntly.

“Well, are your opinions and critical thinking abilities changed?” the boss asked.

“No,” Sam replied.

“Then, there’s no problem. Also, expect to get a raise this quarter. You’ve earned it,” the boss smirked.

Sam gave a weak smile realizing what he meant. “Also, make sure you use the men’s restroom from now on. None of this gender neutral bathroom funny business.”

“Right,” Sam agreed.

***

Sam exited the office feeling relieved and a little confused. None of her co-workers cared about his sudden transition. Did gender matter? Did how he dressed matter? Would his perspective be no different than before? Sam went home at the end of the day and gave Will the good news.

“I wasn’t fired,” Sam told him.

“Great. That means we can share the rent,” Will said pleased.

“You really want me to stay with you?” Sam asked.

“Sure,” Will smiled giving Sam a kiss.

“But look, Will, I’m an asshole to your kind,” Sam told him.

“My kind? I have no kind,” Will said dismissively.

“You know what I mean. We’re not politically compatible,” Sam said.

“If it doesn’t bother you, it doesn’t bother me. Do you think your column and your newspaper changed the last election or the election before that?”

“It could have,” Sam said defensively.

“Not really. And even if it did, it didn’t change my life at all,” Will said.

Sam looked at Will dumbfounded. “Well, your job doesn’t change the world either,” he said.

“That’s the spirit. Let’s have dinner together to celebrate you not being fired,” Will suggested.

Sam appreciated Will’s good spirit about everything and then felt the familiar sensation happen. He was getting hard, and his sexual desire started to flare up. “I think I need a shower. Then, I’ll help,” Sam said feeling agitated.

Will knew what was going on and left the kitchen. “I’ll join you.”

Sam eyed Will hungrily. “Thanks.” The two took off their shirts as they headed over to the shower.