Chapter 22 – My Love Sonnet

Tommy’s embrace to hide me left me wanting more. I resisted wisely, but if it hadn’t been for Grace and Dean, I would have decided to explore Tommy’s mouth with my tongue in a heartbeat. I had never felt this before. It wasn’t on my radar screen. I wanted to take that gorgeous head of his that was watching out for me and kiss it hard. I caught myself. I wondered if Tommy knew that my racing heart wasn’t racing because of Dean. It was racing because of him.

Tommy said, “They’re gone.” He looked at me. I was breathless. He asked, “You okay?”

“Yeah. Seeing him here gave me such a fright.” I covered the real reason I was breathless.

“I can imagine.” Tommy said looking back over his shoulder. “I recognized him. I did my job.” He smiled with pride as he concluded that he had redeemed himself.

Having caught my breath, I said sweetly, “Yes, yes you did. Thank you!”

We waited a few minutes and then I called Mom from a payphone. She came and picked us up. We dropped Tommy at home and I thanked him for a nice first date. Our next one was going to be after tomorrow. This was a trial run. Mom drove me back home. “So, you saw Dean with Grace? Dad mentioned that Dean called a few days ago. He was going to be in town briefly with his mother to pick up their remaining stuff and take it back to Atlanta. He told him you were out of town. I guess that is when he called Grace.”

“I understand. It just scared me. Mom, I am going upstairs and take a quick little nap. I think I need a little recovery time.” Mom nodded and I went upstairs. But, instead of sleeping, I pulled out a regency romance novel that my sister had sitting around. I had read it before. I went to the bodice ripping section and recaptured the feelings I had that moment with Tommy. I found myself humping the edge of the bed until I felt an incredible release over my entire body. Even my breasts began to react and become aroused. I felt guilty, but kept reading until I had another and another. I moaned into my pillow each time so no one would hear. I hid the book and just lay there spent. Sex, I had discovered, was going to be a problem for me. I longed for it now. And I had to control these new feelings that I had. And, I needed a body that would allow it to be female that experienced it with a guy.

To distract myself, I sat down and wrote my first love sonnet based on my painting downstairs.

Fisherman’s Catch by Samantha Miller

The hollow reeds do share flowers there
down into virgin waters that flow below and beyond
As give such purpose to a man’s thoughtful stare
to his dear enticement to those below who are loath to respond.

The fisherman’s still and winsome craft
is but a thin yarn that he cleverly spins out
meters upon meters along his sturdy shaft
with such meat that will yield a victorious route

The prey, she waits below and wonders as she is tempted
She wonders if this meat bring her life or bring her death
While up above the fisherman calmly waits as he is well bedded
as the prey yearns to capture her substance with watery breath

For the daily battle is constant and stern regarding the Fisherman’s catch
And the victories won and lost depend on a quick line sent with all clever dispatch

I put down my pen and reread my first love sonnet. The images were overwhelmingly lustful. I was caught up in passion and I knew it. I didn’t want to make love as a man. In fact, I found my erections ugly and enjoyed the fact that I had found a way around them to feel pleasure.

Troubled by what I had just done, I crossed the street to tell Doug what had happened. Terribly concerned, he was still kind to me and just listened. He thought for a moment and then took a blood sample. He headed off to his parents’ lab on the bus. Later that night, I got a knock on the door. Doug pulled me outdoors to talk to me.

“Your hormones need to be adjusted. You have a large amount of testosterone all of a sudden, Which means that your female hormones are either too high or your balls are kicking in. Did you take your medicine while traveling about?” I gave him funny look. He knew the answer. “I will get them back down to none existent and your libido will drop too. But, you can’t do this again! For you, like many female wired brains, a dose of testosterone can be a powerful aphrodisiac.”

It was such a relief to hear that. Now that I know the root cause, the next six months looked to be easier to deal with. The one take away I had which made me feel better too was that I was attracted to boys and that I had female desires. The bad takeaway was it was my fault for not staying on top of my pills.

Doug gave me an injection of male hormone blockers. “I won’t usually do this for you. But, your libido being out of control is a problem that needed immediate attention. This means you can’t mention any of this to Dr. Cramer or Dr. Cox.”

The next day, feeling more in control, I had a pleasant surprise nevertheless. “Let’s get going, Pipsqueak!” I eagerly skipped along side Jane as we headed to her car. She was treating me to a girl’s day out at the salon. I was going to get prettied up. “If you are going out on a date tomorrow with Tommy, I want you to drive him nuts.” I just grinned.

On the way over to the day spa, I could tell Jane was giddy. “Squeak, squeak.” She smiled at my love call. “You know something is up, don’t you?”

“Yeah. I can sense it. Why are you so happy? Squeak, squeak.” I nuzzled up against her like a pet mouse.

“I met someone. I didn’t expect it. I had taken time off from dating as you know and that whole scene and now I met someone. It has been seven months since I last dated.” She giggled and shook her shoulders as if to say she was hopelessly in love.

She stopped at the mall, pulled into a parking place. We got out. I held on to her as we walked in. I just looked up at her and grinned. She knew what I was asking even without my saying it. “Okay, okay, I will tell you! You don’t have to yell at me with your eyes like that.”

We sat outside the spa waiting until our time to go in. Jane swooned. “His name is Oliver Leopold Hansen. He is handsome, funny, and a dream.” I met him coming out of volunteer time at the old folks home a couple of weeks back. He is a rheumatologist. He just moved here from Louisiana and is a resident at the local hospital. He is not a full doctor yet. He is about six years older than me. He graduated from Tulane.” She looked at me smiling at her. “You are happy for me. I am so glad!” I nodded yes.

Jane told the hairstylist, “No, she doesn’t want a short style. Something to show off her beautiful long hair would be nice. And not something that might show up in a movie. I want her to be unique.”

I sat in the salon chair and looked at the styles in the magazine, when Beatrice, the hair dresser, said, “You know, we have been getting more and more teenage girls coming in to have their hair styled for something called a Quinceanera. In the Latin culture, a girl comes out when she is fifteen and is presented by the Dad as someone who can be married. Well, not exactly married, but you can date her, I think.” She proceeded to show me photos of what she had done for them.

“Oh, I really like that one!” It was a photo of a lovely young girl with her hair piled off to one side and soft curls. It really framed her face nicely.

Jane whispered in my ear, “I love it, but you need to hide your face for the future.”

We kept looking and after a few minutes, we found a simple hairstyle that would have my face covered partially by long strands of hair over my left eye. It would mean that I would have highlights too and my hair would look completely adult. It was beautiful and sophisticated. I looked at Jane. “You don’t think I am a little young for that?”

“No, and it would look good at Debbie’s wedding too.” Jane was thrilled, I could tell.

Truth be told, I loved it. It would made me look so like a grown woman and not like the little girl I was. I held my breath for a moment. “Okay, do it before I change my mind!” Jane and Beatrice giggled. I added, “Again!” and they burst out laughing.

Beatrice said, “Honey, this will be the death of your boyfriend. He will die of smiles.” Jane nudged her and said, “And, she will be the toast of the mall too!”

Jane went for a pageboy look with highlights too. We had our nails and toes done too. It was all so dreamy. As we exited the spa, Jane took my hand and said, “We are not done yet, Pipsqueak. I have a credit card from Officer O’Brien with money to help you get a nice outfit too. She says you haven’t been spending enough.” So we went shopping. I tried on dresses and more dresses.

Finally, I settled on this grunge style dress that had a high neckline and a low back line that showed a lot of my back. It had a nice lace touch in the back too. I got a maroon purse and pumps to go with it too. My silver necklace looked nice with it too. I added some silver bracelets and a little silver chain around my ankle.

When we got home, Mom looked at me and Jane. “Oh honey, you look sweet, but aren’t you taking this too far.”

Jane said with a smirk, “Mom, she looks too girl to be a boy, wink wink. And, it is my fault. If I am going to have a little sister for a while, I am going to enjoy dressing her up.”

Mom looked at me and smiled. “Okay, but next time you get the urge Jane,” Mom paused for effect, “include me! That hairstyle looks so cute on you too! And the dress is pretty too.”

“Okay Mom!” Jane quipped, “We can both corrupt her.” I just blushed.

The next day, all dolled up, I met up with Tommy at the mall so we could go to ‘Armageddon’ and have lunch. “Wow, have you seen my girlfriend, Miss?” Tommy teased. “Can I date you instead? You are so much more beautiful and sophisticated than she was on our first date.”

I grinned at the sweet complement. Then, I twirled and looked at Tommy and playfully asked, “You really like it, Tommy?”

“You look good enough to eat!” He gave me a winsome smile and I melted into his arms.

“Thank you. You say the sweetest things.” Tommy led me to the food court where he got some pizza and I got a small chef’s salad. We sat down at one of the tables. I could tell he was enjoying showing me off. And frankly, I was thrilled to be shown off.

“Hey Tommy, Samantha!”

“Oh, hi Cat! You know Samantha?!” Tommy looked at me puzzled and then at Cat. Thankfully, he didn’t ask how.

“Yeah, she is one of my favorite models. Samantha, I love that look on you. You look beautiful. Although, I can’t paint you in the French style now. The hair style is too contemporary. Mind if I join you both?” Tommy eagerly motioned for Cat to sit. I could tell that he was thrilled to be in the good graces of the most popular outsider and loner of Canterbury Middle School.

“Sure. What brings you to the mall?”

“Have to get some sketching pad for my Art Deco class this summer. Come to think of it, I could us you both as models. Would you be interested?” Tommy looked over to me with pleading eyes.

“I wouldn’t mind, Cat, as long as it is okay with Tommy here. He has a lot of plans for us this summer.” I figured I was doing the diplomatic thing to let him make the arrangements and take the lead. Hearing his response, I could tell I said the right thing.

“What did you have in mind, Cat? Will it take much time?” Tommy inquired.

“Well, I have to do design work in the Art Deco style of posters they made during the late 20s and early 30s. So, Tommy, I would put you into to a cool gangster syle zoot suit and Samantha into a silk flapper dress. Have you seen the Michael Jackson video for Smooth Criminal. Like those outfits.”

I quietly said to myself, please, oh, please say yes Tommy. The idea of being dressed like a flapper sent chills down my spine. I fell in love with the idea of Tommy with a Tommy gun, a cigarette in his mouth, while holding me too. It enthralled me. I found myself getting a little hot thinking about it. I took a drink of my soda and cleared my mind as best I could. I concentrated on my chores for when I got home of doing laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, and making dinner. The testosterone in my system was still affecting me. My own fault, really. A smidge of the feeling lingered as I awaited Tommy’s response. He was looking down at his pizza thinking about it.

Tommy looked back up and asked, “Cat, would I be able to get a copy of it for my room? I mean, it would be awesome. I don’t mind modeling, but Samantha is so beautiful, I would like a memory so I never forget her.” I blushed at his comment. He thought I was beautiful.

“Ironically, I will be digitizing the art using brand new tools that allow me to turn them into TIFFs for a printer and be able to make a bunch of copies. It is a new technology and the thought of doing it on a computer assisted platform has me salivating at the prospect. And the neat thing is that I only need to do sketches of you both in various poses. So, all it will take is an afternoon.”

Tommy smiled and my heart leapt with joy. He put out his hand to Cat and said, “Deal! Sounds like Samantha and I can get a poster. Can I be drinking a beer.”

“As long as it is a root beer.” Cat interjected.

“Yeah, I don’t want my folks to get the wrong idea, do I? Actually, that would be cool if you could make it a root beer float too.” Tommy rubbed his tummy.

Cat chuckled, “I like that idea. You are making me hungry though. Well, that fits. I am suppose to be a starving artist.” We laughed at Cat’s joke. It was a pleasant discovery to find out he had a sense of humor.

We exchanged info and set up for another session. Cat was going to find a costume shop, arrange a loan of a 1928 Packard Runabout a friend of his Dad’s had recently restored, and get back to us in the next few days. I was ecstatic to be doing another modeling session with Cat. I gave him the information about Georgette’s Fabrics and told him that if he couldn’t find anything my size, I could always make something. For Tommy too, if Cat needed it.

I got chills again when Cat looked at me with a smile, winked at me, and said, “I may just do that.” I had to swallow hard to keep from shouting for joy at the thought of having to measure Tommy. Once again, I had to push thoughts out of my head.

We finished out lunch, and Tommy took my hand and began to lead me down to the theatre. He dropped his hand and put his arm around my waist and cupped the small of my back sending chills up my spine. I responded in kind. We walked slowly as eyes of the other kids in the mall drank us in. Tommy had dressed well too. He wore a polo shirt and nice slacks and dress shoes. It was a nice contrast to my somewhat busy floral print.

As we stood in line, I heard in a somewhat snide tone, “Hey, Tommy, who’se the cute chick?” I bit my lip to keep from smiling and blushed at the description of me despite the tone. A couple of guys I remembered from years ago in elementary came up. They didn’t see Samuel, the boy. They saw a girl. I smiled at them demurely.

Tommy answered in a tone dripping with scorn, “Hey Brent. This is Samantha. She goes to school at Danvers. I met her at the skating rink. You know, the place you said I was wasting my time at while you guys went to the mall to find real girls. Say hello Samantha to the dregs of Canterbury Middle School. Brent and Olson.” Of course, I had to chuckle that I wasn’t a real girl … yet.

I didn’t know quite how to greet them. Should I greet them with confidence, irony, or say nothing. I chose to respond meekly, “Hello Brent and Olson, it is nice to meet you.” I pressed into Tommy for protection and leaned my head on his shoulder, put my hand on his chest, and looked up to the boys who were sizing me up and down.

Tommy didn’t miss a beat. “See what I mean guys, she’s keeper.” He hugged me with the arm he had around my waist and with the other reached up and kissed the hand I had placed on his chest.

I heard Olson mutter under his breath, “Lucky bastard!” I didn’t react, but I felt like not only did I pass inspection, but I made Tommy look like a home run hitter who was the captain of the football team too. It gave me a warm feeling and a sense of growing awe to know that I might be a trophy girlfriend. I intended to play my role to the hilt.

“I hope you guys don’t mind, but I want Tommy all to myself. Why don’t you keep trolling and see what nine-year-old girls you can dredge up since that seems to be your maturity level.”

Brent looked at Tommy, “She’s got a smart assed lip for a broad.”

“At least I am going out with a broad instead of my sister, right Olson?” Tommy said with a wry smile that betrayed a knowledge of something that must have happened before I met them.

They left in a huff. Tommy laughed as they walked away. “Jerks!” He then looked down at me. “You enjoyed making fools of them, didn’t you? That was a great line about nine-year-olds. I am going to have to remember that one.”

“I didn’t know I had it in me, to tell you the truth.” I said frankly.

“I didn’t either, but I am sure glad to know it now. Dating you is going to be worth it. But, keep it up and sooner or later, I am going to forget that you aren’t a real girl.” He kissed my head.

Before I could think, I allowed “Thanks Tommy” to escape my lips. He looked at me for second. I shrugged my shoulders as if to say I really didn’t meant it, but I did. I really did.

During the previews, I brought something up to Tommy. “Would you like to do a special dance for Debbie’s wedding?”

“What are you thinking?”

“About what Cat said and doing Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal for her wedding reception. It would be awesome and very appropriate. We would need five guys and two ladies to pull it off. According to my Grandpa, the Baptist Church won’t allow them to dance, so they are going to set up a special tents at the battlefield with a dance floor for the reception and tables for eating.”

Tommy was hesitant at first. “Look,” I said, “if we start right away, we could have the dance routine down by the wedding. Plus, we could do it for your friends in the mall. If you dance the lead part ...”

“Okay, I get your drift. I have seen the video for it. It would be cool. Let me work on it. But, you can count on Connie to do the other female dance, I think. She loves Michael Jackson.”

I was impressed that he was open to the idea. “I was hoping you would like the idea. And, I would love to work with Connie. She is sweet.”

We dropped the subject because the movie started.

I cried at the end of the movie. No, I balled at the end of the movie. Tommy seemed to enjoy seeing me lose it as the climatic scenes unfolded and a father’s love for his daughter was on display for all the world to see. He said with a barely hidden pride in his voice, “See, I told you it was also romantic movie.”

“Yeah, you did. Thank you for taking me. I loved it. I loved going out with you too.” My damn mouth put my foot in it again. He politely ignored it. As we left the mall to wait for Jane to pick us up, I spied Brent and Olson trolling for girls with all the charm of Beavis and Butthead.

As Jane pulled up to pick us up, he opened up the front passenger door for me to get in. I was about to get in, when I stopped. I smiled and said to him, “No, I would like to sit in the back with you.” He closed the door and opened the rear door for me. I said, “Thank you. You are a real gentleman,” and gave him a kiss on the cheek and stepped into the car.

As he came around to the other side, Jane looked back at me nodding her head and said, “Nicely done. Make him feel good about being a gentleman. How was the movie?” She then winked and added, “Must have been a tear jerker, I can see someone’s make up needs a little attention.”

“Do we dare tell you?” I inquired. I didn’t want to ruin it for her if she was gong to see it.

“No, please don’t! Oliver is taking me out to see it on the fourth before the fire works show.” Tommy got into the back seat with me and overheard the rest. “Oliver has arranged a picnic at the park for us and fireworks. It is going to be very romantic.”

“Want to double date?” Tommy asked whimsically.

“No, Tommy, I appreciate the offer, but I want to be alone with Oliver in case of additional fireworks.” Jane beamed. It took Tommy a moment, then he got the reference and turned red.

“I understand, we are just still kids and we would cramp your style. No problem.” Tommy reached over and took my hand and squeezed it. I was beginning to see that Tommy was a closet romantic and appreciated spending time with the opposite sex. I figured out that his older sister, Connie, and he must have played a lot when they were younger and he learned to enjoy spending time with her. No doubt, he had to endure lots of time with his mother and Connie too, watching them interact.

As we dropped off Tommy, he opened my door to let me out and then escorted me the short step to the front passenger door and opened it for me. “Thank you, Tommy. I had a good time.” I gave him a hug. “See you next week.”

Tommy asked, “Where are we going this time?”

“Colorado, I think. Which means Agent Carlson and Agent Debbie!”

Tommy smiled and rolled his eyes, “Girls. All you will be talking about is wedding stuff, right?”

I giggled and said, “You bet!”

“We will do a better job this time, for sure.” Tommy leaned down and kissed me on the cheek and guided me into the front seat. He waved as we drove off. Jane drove me home. Before we got out of the car, she handed me a little white box.

“Here Samantha, this is something for us.” I looked at her as if to say, ‘how can you give us a something in such a small box.’ “Go ahead, open it Pipsqueak!” I open it and I gasped. It was a heart. Rather, it was a pendant heart that was broken in two but could fit together. On the left half, it said ‘Big.’ On the right half, it said, ‘Little.’ On the obverse, the joined heart said, ‘Sisters Forever.’

I felt warm and loved. “One half is yours and the other is mine.” She took the box and lifted out the left pendant that said ‘Big’ and put it around her neck. Then she took out the right hand side that said ‘Little’ and put it on my neck. We hugged and shed a few tears.

“Thank you. Squeak, squeak!” I didn’t say anything to her about her secret, but Doug told me that she had likely donated about one hundred or more eggs already.

“I love you too!”

As we got out of the car and walked up, I said, “Jane?”

“Yes, Pipsqueak?”

“Is Tommy right? Do I really look beautiful?”

“Oh, Honey, you look gorgeous! And you have a cute smile that could melt an iceberg.”

“You mean it? I mean, when I look in the mirror, my lips are too big, my hair is all wrong, my ears are the wrong shape, my neck isn’t long enough, and I wish I could get bigger breast forms and have a little more curve to my hips and a smaller waist.” I stopped and looked at her like I was whipped before I even started.

“Oh Pipsqueak, you are such a girl!” Jane rolled her eyes and shrugged her shoulders all the while laughing. Then she got serious and said, “Trust me! You look stunning. You make Tommy look real good. Any thirteen year old boy worth his salt would kill to have you draped on his arm.”

I hugged Jane hard. “Thanks, Sis. I needed that.”

When we walked in the door, Dad was smirking at Jane. He came up and gave her a big hug, lifted her up, and twirled her around planting a big kiss on her cheek. Jane clearly liked it, but was baffled. As he reached down and gave me a hug and a kiss, Jane asked “What’s that for, Dad?”

Mom said, “Nothing, sweetie. Really, nothing.” We both could tell they were hiding something. Jane and I went in to prepare dinner. We made meatloaf, sorted green beans, and peeled potatoes. Grandma came in to help us and even she had a buoyant air about her towards Jane. We just looked at each other wondering what was up.

Saturday, we packed up and headed out to the park for a picnic and fireworks. Jane had been picked up by Doc Oliver (what he wants me to call him) sometime earlier. He had the day off since in his field, there were no emergencies at the hospital, ‘only patients aching to see me and only sore if I am not available’ as he put it. The evening was exciting. The sun set shortly after eight and the fireworks started about 8:45. The fireworks were spectacular and lasted about forty minutes.. I knew that Jane wasn’t far away from us in the park, so, it was no surprise that after all the fireworks were over, Dad had us tarry until she and her date showed up to say goodnight to the family and happy fourth. I figured they would be going out clubbing or something afterward, so it would be a brief get together.

I saw them walking hand in hand towards us. Jane was smiling but also crying. As she got closer, I could see why. On her left hand was a ring. Doc Oliver was beaming. Mom and Dad were giggling. As she got closer, Dad couldn’t wait any longer and asked forcefully, “Well, Honey?”

Jane gushed, “Oh Daddy, you know already. I said yes!” Mom, Grandma, and I shrieked with joy. Now I knew what Daddy hugged her like that. We stood there gazing at the ring and congratulating Jane while the men patted each other on the back. It was a magical way to end the fireworks. Instead of going straight home, we all went to the Olive Garden and had a late night snack. Mom even let me have a sip of champagne. The bubbles tickled my nose.

When we got home that night, Jane pulled me aside, “Okay, Pipsqueak. You and I need to get serious. Boy or Girl for the wedding in October?”

I looked down to hide my big smile, and said, “If you don’t mind, I would prefer girl.”

“I thought so. Bridesmaid or entertainment?”

I giggled, “Bridesmaid, please?”

“Okay, you will be the last one of the four bridesmaids. But, just so you know, I was hoping you would say bridesmaid.” I laughed.

“One other thing. Can you help teach Oliver how to dance? He says he has two left feet. Cute feet, but still two left feet.”

“Of course, anything for my favorite sister. Oh, Jane, there is one other thing you ought to know.”

“What is that, Pipsqueak?”

“Tommy and I are going to do a special Michael Jackson dance at Debbie’s wedding reception to surprise her. We want to do Smooth Criminal. Seems to me that it could be done at yours too in some fashion.”

“Oh, oh, I get what you are saying. Let me think about it. Maybe we can do something special too. Thanks for letting me know.”

Tommy called the next day with news. He had arranged for a group of friends to join us. They all wanted to dance the Michael Jackson way and loved the idea. They asked if they could do it at the beginning of school so they could get girls interested in them. Connie said yes.

“Now all we need is a choreographer, Tommy. But who?”

“How about Mrs. Duncan? We promised we would come over and video her latest class for doing an ad for her, didn’t we?”

“Perfect, she ought to be able to help us to block out the dance moves into sections so we can put together a good routine.”

Monday, we went over early to the school and saw Mrs. Duncan. We set up a schedule to video the current troop and she said she would have something for us by the first of the next week. Turns out that someone had given her a bootlegged a copy of a performance Jackson did in Germany because they were impressed with some of the stage techniques he used and wanted to share it with her.

Tuesday, we flew to Colorado Springs. Bill and Grandpa would take over duties for Agent Carlson who would fly out for a brief few days off with Debbie after our sting. Jane flew out with me because she wanted to see Robert too and tell him about Oliver. He would be coming down with Juliette to Castle Rock for a brief visit. We were in a neighborhood this time and the standard roles were in play. We would be doing two days and I was excited to talk to Debbie about her wedding.

On the drive up to Castle Rock, Tommy asked, “Why down at Shiloh? It makes no sense.”

Jane answered before I could, “Yes it does. Debbie’s Mom was killed by a drunk driver. Having it there means that they can bar any alcohol at the reception. Rather a clever way to get around her not wanting someone driving drunk after her wedding. People won’t ask questions if it is a Federal rule. Beats having to repeat to everyone the real reason. She wants the wedding to be a happy occasion and not a reminder of what she has lost.”

“Oh, I see what you mean. That does make sense. I am sorry to hear that she lost her Mom that way.”

“So am I. I am about the same age she lost hers. I can’t imagine life without our Mom, can you Pipsqueak?” I shook my head no. “Now, Tommy, what is the latest on the Michael Jackson dance you want to do?”

Tommy looked at me stunned. “You let our secret out?”

“Sorry.” I nuzzled his shoulder. “Forgive me?” I gave him a pouty face.

“Oh, well, the cat is out of the bag. I don’t think we could have hid it anyway.” Tommy was center stage now and I could see him beaming with pride. “Well, my football buddies from school have said yes on one condition, which, I need to talk to Samantha about?”

I looked at him and he squeezed my hand. Obviously, I melted. He knew I would say yes. “They want to do the routine in front of the school at the beginning of the year in the opening pep rally. It would mean that you would have to participate in another school’s pep rally.” Jane giggled at the news and looked at me with a wicked grin.

“Well, Pipsqueak, I guarantee you that no one will recognize you now. And when I get done with your make up, it will be even harder. I think it will be fun for you too.”

I hesitated for a moment and then exclaimed, “Oh, all right, I will do it!” Tommy leaned over and gave me a peck on the cheek. I blushed and smiled. “You enjoy teasing me, don’t you?”

He looked off to the mountains as if he was ignoring me. “Maybe?” he said with a wry smile.

I was impressed with Tommy once again. When we arrived at the house, he got out and opened my door, took our luggage, and followed me upstairs to our rooms. He is quite the gentleman at heart.

We quickly got our meal plan set up and began to have fun. There was pool time and time to visit with Robert and Juliette too who were coming over for dinner on the second night.

But, first up was time with Debbie. “You were right. My uncle knew where my mom’s wedding dress was. It turns out that Mom left it with my grandmother after the wedding. When she passed away last year, my uncle found it in the attic while cleaning out her place. He set it aside meaning to give it to me but forgot.”

“Awesome sauce. Did you try it on?” Jane inquired.

Debbie said, “Yes, it will need to be altered, but yes, it should fit.”

Tommy came up behind me and stood there watching us discuss the wedding. He put one hand on my shoulder and his other on the table and leaned in to watch what we were discussing. I reached up without even realizing it and patted him on the hand giving him a sweet smile. I looked back to Debbie and said, “Please, bring it to my place in Spring Valley. Have you decided what kind of bridesmaid dresses you want?”

Debbie pulled out a couple of pictures she found in magazines. “Think you can find patterns for these?”

I looked them over and said,“Yes, I am sure I can. How many bridesmaids and where do they live.”

“One lives with you, Jane.” Jane smiled and mouthed the words thank you to Debbie. “The other one is Mrs. Murphy. The third is my high school best friend in St. Louis who says she can come to you. And the forth is my Aunt Caroline who lives in Tampa, Florida. She also says she can come to you.”

“Fantastic.” I looked back up to Tommy and said. “I hope we aren’t boring you?”

“Oh no. I just didn’t realize that weddings were this much work.” He let out a heavy sigh.

I giggled and said, “Just remember that when you ask your dream girl to marry you.” Tommy sat down and scooted his chair next to me.

“Then I had better take notes. That way I can keep my dream girl!” Tommy looked into my eyes, puckered his lips, and air kissed me. I turned red and tried not to react. I could tell Jane and Debbie enjoyed his teasing me as much as he did. I felt warm and hopeful that I would have a wedding one day too with as much planning. I had a vision of myself in a white wedding dress being walked down the aisle by my Dad.

Looking back towards Debbie, who was looking over the photos of dresses, I had a thought. “Did you want me to make the same dress for Miranda? I assume she will be your flower girl, right?”

“Cool idea! I like it. I will think about it.”

For the next half an hour, we went over details of the wedding. I found myself taking notes with my right hand and soon was holding Tommy’s with my left. This was not lost on Debbie and Jane who would look at each other and wink whenever Tommy made a suggestion.

We got down to the discussion of colors. “I don’t know why I didn’t ask this first, but have you decided on the colors yet?”

“Well, I have found a rose out of Tyler, TX, I really like. It is a nice red. I was thinking of that for the bouquet and it would look good on the tables. I have a friend attending Le Tourneau nearby in Longview. He says he can drive a van to the wedding with all the flowers I need. But then I saw this grape colored dress and realized I could use different flowers.” She pulled out a page cut out of a catalog and it showed a grape colored dress that was gorgeous. “The grape color goes well with Gerbera and Zinnias which are blooming and inexpensive at that time of year. Plus, I fell in love with the color.”

“Oh, I like that. We could put the guys into a beige or baby blue seersucker suits since it will be hot in August.” I looked up at Tommy. “You saw a seersucker in the dance video we have been watching lately.”

Tommy’s eyes grew wide as saucers. “You mean that is what he was wearing?”

“Yes. It is a light fabric and perfect for summer weather. And for dancing.”

Debbie looked at us intently. Jane giggled. “What are you guys up to? Come on, out with it!” she asked in a playful tone.

“We thought it would be cool to do a dance to a certain Michael Jackson song at your reception.” Tommy said. I beamed. I was glad he said it and let the truth be know instead of me.

“Ummh, which song?” Debbie was intrigued.

I said, “Well, since it is an FBI wedding, Tommy and I have been talking about doing ‘Smooth Criminal.’”

Debbie began to laugh and slapped her knee. “Oh yes, that would be perfect. Do you think you can do it?”

“Yes. Tommy has made arrangements and we think we can do it. We ought to know by the end of middle of next week.”

Tommy took over at this point. I marveled at how he was able to arrange for all the guys to join him and how they already were training to dance. He related how they were using it as a team building exercise for the football team and how he talked to his coach about it too. His coach was on board and wanted them to do the dance routine in front of the school to demonstrate how teamwork translates to victory.

Every detail enthralled his audience. Jane, Debbie, and I sat there and patiently listened to him paint the picture of the upcoming dance. But, in the back of my mind, I began to understand I was yielding to Tommy taking the lead in our relationship. Up until now, I had been center stage of the stings. The go to girl who orchestrated all the happenings or to whom the orchestra played. And now, here was Tommy becoming the man of our relationship and I was slipping into his shadow. Tommy was the head and becoming the reason we were here now. I looked over at his mother walking by, she stopped and smiled to see him running the conversational table and winning all the loot with each roll of the dice. He was superb in his performance and chillingly cute in his execution.

Debbie got up and came over to me after he finished. She gave me a big hug. “Thank you both so much for thinking of this, Pips! You especially, Tommy! I think that dance number at the reception is going to be a winner.”

“So it is now Pips, is it?” Tommy chortled and teased me.

Jane interjected, “Hey, it is based on my nickname for her and I like it! Do you mind, Pips?”

I started to blush and was too embarrassed to respond right away, but I enjoyed the attention and just smiled ear to ear. Tommy teased me again. “Ahhh, Pips is blushing!”

“Oh stop it, M.J.!” Everyone laughed at my calling him by Michael Jackson’s initials.

We went to the kitchen and Tommy began to cook and I found that I only assisted. He surprised me and made a really good beef stroganoff without my instruction. From the cutting of the chuck to the making of the sauce, clearly, he had been doing some cooking at home that I didn’t know about.

“Pips, I need that bottle of white wine.” I handed it him. I stroked his back as he poured it into the pan.

“Looks and smells divine, Honey. You are a really good cook.” I said.

“Wouldn’t have learned to cook if it were for you, Pips. Thank you.” He gave me a hug.

At the dinner table, everyone complemented him on the meal that night. We made the salad together. I just held his hand and looked into the dreamy eyes of his and smiled as he got all the attention. We had a dessert that I made. It was crème brulee. I got complements for it too. But they didn’t seem to matter as much. There was something about being his partner that made it worth it to not get as many. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I think I was learning what it meant to be a couple. I had largely driven the relationship with Dean. But here, for the first time, I was sharing it with another human being. And, it wasn’t so bad to share the spotlight.

Later during the trip, I looked down the driveway to see Robert and Juliette walking hand in hand towards the front door. I couldn’t wait. I rushed downstairs and out the door and then jumped into Roberts waiting arms to give him a big hug. “Bonjour, mon frere!” I said. He picked me up and twirled me around. I gave him a big kiss on the cheek and he returned it.

When I was back on the ground, Juliette said, “I love your hairstyle. It is so grown up.” We gave each other a brief hug and several ‘bises’ a la mode French. She continued, “My, how you have grown since I last saw you. You are turning into a beautiful young lady.” Then she caught herself and I could tell that Robert had told her whom I really was underneath. Part of me hated her knowing that. Another part was relieved that I didn’t have to worry.

I whispered, “Ce n’est pas bien grave. I really enjoyed the complement. Merci.”

Juliette, Robert, Jane, Tommy, and I gathered together for lunch. Tommy seemed to take center stage again. Tommy looked at us. “So, Robert, you are learning French. Your girlfriend speaks French. Your grandfather speaks French. And Pips speaks French. So, I guess I should learn French too?”

“Yes, and who is Pips?” Robert asked. Jane and Tommy delighted in telling Robert about new nickname.

Then Tommy and Robert started talking football. Tommy was thrilled to learn that Robert was one of the best running backs at Lafayette High School. In addition, he was going into coaching and offered to give Tommy lessons on how to improve. When Mrs. Hinks heard about this, she asked if it would help him get a scholarship.

“A scholarship, yes. A future in the NFL, not likely. He would have better odds winning the lottery. But, being an academic powerhouse and a solid player on the field might get him a good scholarship and save you a ton of money.”

“Could you help Tommy?”

“You bet!” For the next hour, Robert sat down with Tommy about things he could do to improve his game. From strength training to specific exercises that would help his body perform better. I could tell Mrs. Hinks was thrilled will all the help he was getting. I motioned to Juliette and Jane. We went into the kitchen to chat. “Ca va avec vous deux?” I asked with anticipation in my voice?

“Oh yes, I love your brother. He really is a sweet boy at heart. Apparently, you have had something to do with that, Pips.”

“Really?” I couldn’t believe that.

“Yes, having his younger ‘sister’ tell him that he needs a real girlfriend was something he needed to hear. I really appreciate it. He has a good engineering mind which I understand. But, I won’t date another engineer. They get too, comment dit-on chauvin et fier?”

“Too chauvinistic and proud. Well, Robert is guilty of that still.”

“Yes, but it is with football, not at building a bridge or a building.”

“I understand. Did he tell you that our Dad is a civil engineer?”

“Yes, I am looking forward to meeting him.”

“Our Dad is looking forward to meeting you.”

“I have to tell you, I think Robert wants us to get married soon.”

“Really! Oh my! That would be awesome if you did.”

Juliette smiled and said, “Yes, it would be. I love him very much. I wanted to find out how your family will react?”

Jane hugged Juliette. “I will have a new sister then? Oh, I will love it. So will our Mom. Our Mom and Dad married when they were in college.”

“Jane, tell her your big news first!” Juliette looked at me and then at Jane.

“I am getting married in October to a wonderful man. We recently met. He is a kind and gentle man. And I fell for him right away.”

We all giggled. “Do you want a big wedding, Juliette.”

“Oh no. I want a small one. I don’t have many friends back home. My family is small too. I would like to come to your wedding Jane. May I?”

“Oh, of course you can! In fact, I was planning on having four bridesmaids, but you know, Oliver has a big family in Ohio and Tennessee plus a bunch of friends. He would prefer it if I have five so he can include more family. Would you mind being one of my bridesmaids?”

Poor Robert, while he was helping Tommy, his life was getting planned by three giggling gorgeous girls in the kitchen who had weddings to plan, including his wedding. And he hadn’t even asked her yet! I took her measurements before she left that day.

The trip to Colorado was an incredible success. We nabbed eighty men. Apparently, how we are presenting ourselves as a couple is working well. The videos they have taken of us playfully flirting with each other as bait have helped them stop more perverts than we had imagined.

On the flight back, I sat with Tommy again in a row by ourselves. “Whatcha reading?” Tommy asked.

“Anne of Green Gables.”

“Oh, girl stuff! I’m reading this new book series called ‘Harry Potter.’”

After a few minutes, our hands found each other again. We looked at each other and smiled. We went back to our reading.

As I read about Anne, I said, “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“I don’t see why I shouldn’t.” Tommy smirked.

“Thank you!” I sighed.

“Why?”

“I feel safe and protected.” I answered honestly.

“Thank you.” he sighed.

“Why?”

“I feel needed and respected.” Tommy answered honestly.

“I am sorry that I didn’t make you feel that way at the beginning and I didn’t trust you more.”

“You know, if you were a real girl, I would fall in love with you in a heartbeat.”

“That’s because you have a kind and gentle heart. You softy!”

“Just don’t tell anyone, okay?”

“I promise.”

Jane drove us back home from the airport. We went straight to Tommy’s and went in with his Mom too. We were going to get together with Connie to discuss the dance for the wedding and see the notes from Mrs. Duncan. Since she wasn’t coming home for about an hour, Tommy suggested we go into their backyard where he would show me his tree house. I cautiously climbed up so no one would see my panties. I came in and sat down on the floor of the tree house with my legs to my side so I could keep my modesty.

Tommy was excited. “I used to play up here all the time. I had water balloon fights with my friends. We planned take overs of other tree forts. We had club meetings. Sadly, I have outgrown it. I am really to big to be in here anymore. I miss those days.”

I looked around. I realized that I had almost outgrown it too. “I didn’t play much when I was younger until Doug moved in across the street. I mostly was alone with no friends. I would sit in my room and read for my adventures.”

“Is that why you like being a girl now?”

I looked down and brushed a tear from my eye. I recounted, “Maybe. I used to think so last year when this all started. I was pretty lonely I thought at home. Truth is that I have never had so many friends in my whole life until this last year. Putting a dress on was the best thing that every happened to me in that respect. But, really, I like being home. I have always enjoyed being a homebody. Still, it is nice to have friends visit me at home. I would like that to continue.”

“Are you scared to take off the dress when the time comes?”

Even though I knew I was going to stay as I was, a girl, the idea of losing my girlhood frightened me to the bone when he mentioned it. Tears trickled down my face. Tommy scooted over and just held me in his arms. I didn’t need to say a word. He thought I was frightened of being alone. I wasn’t. I was scared to stop being my true self.

“Pips, when that time comes, I will still be your friend. Believe it or not, I saw how scared you were back in fourth grade. I have always known, I guess. I am sorry for not reaching out to you sooner.”

I pulled a kleenex from my purse and blew my nose. “Thank you, Tommy. That means a lot to me. I just thought I was invisible and no one cared.”

“So, do you mind my taking over like I am. I seem to be pushing my way into the center of things. It is part of my nature.”

“I am enjoying it. I like being a helper, not a leader. That is my nature.”

“As long as you don’t mind.”

“You are doing a good job of making me feel included.” I felt I needed to change the subject before I had to explain to him that I wanted to be his girlfriend for real. “Tell me, when did you stop coming up here?”

“I don’t know. About two years ago, my friends and I stopped using the place. Although, I come up every so often by myself and just sit when I want to be alone in my boy cave.”

“What do you think about?”

“Believe it or not, nothing. That seems to recharge my batteries.”

“I could never do that. My mind is always working. When ever I am not doing something, I think about a friend, a relationship, a project in school, what is going to happen to me when I grow, or any number of things.” I looked at Tommy and realized he was zoning out and not following me anymore. “Did you want to sit here and think?”

“Yeah, come to think or it – or rather not think of it, I would like some time in nothing space. Do you mind?”

“No, I will go back down and wait for Connie with my sister and your Mom. Come back when you are ready.” I kissed his cheek and climbed down the ladder.

Back home the next day, I finished measuring Tommy. This one I wanted to do first so I would get it out of the way remembering Dean’s reaction when I measured him last. I had five more guys from the Canterbury football squad to measure. I hadn’t see these guys in years. They didn’t even recognize me and since no one seemed to know where I lived all those years ago, they simply didn’t put two and two together. Mary and Tommy watched the triplets as I worked. Doug came in a little later. They were quite the handful now. It took a football team to watch them as they ambled about in our living room. Carol walked up to me and pulled at my dress. “Pips! Pick me up.” I was astonished at how fast people were picking up my new nickname. Even the triplets called me Pips now.

“Ah, honey, I have five more guys to measure.” She looked at me with her sweet pleading eyes. “Oh all right, Honey!” I picked her up and hugged her. “Pips loves you very much!” She giggled and threw her arms around my neck. I melted in her sweet embrace.

Carol looked then looked at me and said, “I love you Pips.” My heart melted, again.

Jerry Brauer, one of the five, looked at me, and stated with a wink, “I think you don’t need to get married. You already have quite a little collection of kids here.”

“Thanks, you just volunteered, Jerry. Here is the tape, you start measuring and I will tell you how.”

Tommy defended me, “She’s right Jerry. You walked into this one.” For the next half hour, I held Carol who had fallen asleep on me and directed Jerry and Josiah Clarkson to take measurements and write them down. Doug and Mary were now taking care of Alice and Brian. I could tell they were enjoying every moment of it too. It was sweet to see Doug sit on the floor playing with Alice and for Mary to be running around with Brian. They seemed to be relishing the time. Doug told me that while we were gone, they had used strollers and walked in the neighborhood with them to the little park down the street. Mom told me they looked like a happy married couple. Looking at them now, they still are happily married. The way they look at each other and help each other was touching and inspiring.

“You really like this chaos, don’t you?” Tommy declared. I just smiled.

After all the measurements were taken, we wandered out into the back yard where they boys started to break down the dance moves. Mrs. Duncan had blocked out repetitive dance moves by categories labeling them. There were nine basic moves that Jackson does in his videos. She was having them learn them first. From those, she had blocked out like a football playbook sub sections of the dance so they could learn each section. Then, they would be put together for the full dance. I was amazed that she knew how to translate a dance into a football playbook so they could learn it quicker.

The next day was my visit to Erin. Erin had me arrange one hundred pennies on the table where we were having tea.

“Okay, you have one hundred people in those pennies, right?”

“Right.”

“Move out three pennies from the group.” I did as she asked.

“Now, figure that represents the population of homosexuals and bi-sexuals statistically. Okay?” I nodded yes.

“How many pennies would we have to have on the table to yield three pennies representing transgenders?”

“I don’t know, Erin. How many?”

“Current estimates are one thousand in the United States to get three pennies. In England, they believe you would yield three pennies in three thousand. But, I think those statistics are still too high. What I am saying is that your condition is so rare that we don’t have enough data to help us help you cope beyond SRS surgery and HRT. However, when you have a population approaching two-hundred and seventy-five million, you will find a substantial group of transgenders. So, I expect there to be greater understanding of your condition over the next fifteen years.”

We discussed my evolving relationship with Tommy, the weddings, my new nickname, and how I was feeling about being a girl twenty-four seven. But, as I left her office, I got to thinking about the pennies. Regardless of the numbers, I wasn’t alone. I wondered if I should get to know other transgenders as I moved forward.

When I got home, Cat and Tommy were waiting for me. I quickly changed into my flapper outfit. Tommy looked cool in his seersucker zoot suit and tie. He loved the work I did on it and said the stitches were well done and the fit was quite comfortable. It gave him an air of being from the 30s. Dad drove us over to a mansion where we saw this beautiful red 1928 Packard Runabout on the the lawn. For the next couple of hours, Cat had us doing all sorts of poses around the car.

After it was all done, we sat down at a table under an umbrella and had iced sweet tea. Cat showed us the sketches he did. I was amazed at the lack of detail. He laughed and pointed out that the Art Deco style was minimalist nature.

Cat went off to do some sketches of the Packard leaving Tommy and I enjoying the shade under the umbrella.

“You looked real cute while he sketched us.”

“You looked very handsome.”

“Yes, but do I look handsome to the ladies.”

“Well, my sister and Mary say you are quite a catch. They think you are the ‘cat’s pajamas’ and have a ‘nice butt.’”

Tommy grinned. “Really?”

“Really!” I gave him a pat on the arm.

Tommy played with the straw in his drink. “What do you think?”

“That I am a very lucky girl to have you as a friend!” I answered coyly. Tommy turned almost as red as the Packard.

“So, are you going to teach me French?” He asked with a tone of sweet teasing.

“Oui!” I kissed him on the cheek. “C’est mon grand plasir!”

I think I am ready to rewrite my love sonnet now and have it be about love, not lust