A Quick Fix
A short written in the posting window
By Melanie E.
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Why wasn't she happy?
Anna stared at herself in the mirror, fighting back the tears as best she could. The vision that stared back was supposed to be everything she'd wanted: the gentle curves, the smooth lower profile, the full hair and expert makeup. All the money spent, all the time waiting and longing had culminated in this, a vision of femininity that, objectively, she could tell was exactly what she wanted. Oh, sure, if she focused she could see the minor flaws: a scar here from implant surgery, a stretch mark there, or the occasional hair the electrolysis had missed she would need to pluck later. Perhaps her jaw was still just a little too square, were her brows a little too heavy? She shouldn't concentrate on the flaws, she knew that, when so much of what she wanted was there.
So... why wasn't she happy?
Wasn't this the goal? Then end game? She'd been so depressed as a man, pretending and acting and feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders. She'd known this was right, that this was what would fix her. So many doctors had said no, but with diligence she'd found the ones who would say yes, for the right price. She would show the naysayers, prove them wrong, when she could stand tall and proud as the woman she knew she was, and she'd done just that, mostly, except there was still something missing, something... off.
So... why wasn't she happy?
This was the fix! This was the solution! This, THIS, was supposed to be the answer to all her anger and suffering! With a frustrated scream she spun away from the mirror and stared at her bed instead. Laying there were the clothes she'd chosen for the day, the sexy underthings and the feminine outer wear that would help to scream to the world she was a young, confident woman. She knew they fit, and they looked good on her. Next to them was the gun. She knew it fit, too, between her teeth, and just how far back it could go before it set her gag reflex off. She'd thought she would throw it out once her transformation was complete, but something had compelled her to keep it, and every day she still had to make the same choice she'd made for years before: go for the clothes, or go for the gun.
The tears dripped down her face, the face that was permanently made up to look so beautiful and fair, but she did her best to ignore them as she moved for the bed, reaching out. At the last minute she changed her mind, and leaving the gun in its place grabbed her clothes and slipped them on, piece by gorgeous piece. It was a slightly sloppy look, since she'd never had the patience to master matching pieces or doing her own makeup, and the tattooed look was a little stark for the clothing she'd picked. Once done, she looked into the mirror and once again saw the woman she'd wanted to be for so long.
So... why wasn't she happy?
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Surgery is not the solution.
I know this sounds like a hypocritical statement coming from a member of the community who has every intent to get her SRS once she can afford it, but it's the truth: surgery, transition, these are tools meant to help us cope with a world that has trouble accepting who we are, that feels that gender is defined by the outside. It can be an affirmation to us of our own feelings, it can make us more comfortable, it can do so many things, transition.
But, when it comes to depression, it is NOT the solution.
We are, each and every one of us, more than the sum of our body parts, and the most important part of us is that which lies between our ears, and in our hearts. Depression isn't a sickness of the body, or a sickness of society: it's a sickness of the heart, one that has to be tackled on its own terms.
I am a transwoman, and I suffer from depression. I've been suicidal, I've been so stricken with melancholy I couldn't bear the idea of getting out of bed, I've been everything it means to be depressed. What's important to note is that, while my nature as a transwoman certainly adds to the stressors of depression, it is by no means the sole cause of it. Body dysphoria has a lot more layers than just "man or woman," and depression has a lot more causes than just the one obvious one so many of us cling to, and it's important to know where one part -- the dysphoria -- and the next -- the depression -- separate from each other.
I have a lot of issues I need to sort through, as do us all. Being trans might be the one that we feel is most important to our identity, but it isn't necessarily the one that needs fixed first if we're truly to recover and be happy. That's a big part of why psychologists are required for transition after all, is to help those who take that path to separate what they can fix with transition from the problems that have nothing to do with it. We may not like it, we may not always agree with it, but it's a system that exists for a good reason.
We shouldn't transition to try and repair our lives. We shouldn't transition because we think it's the key to happiness, either: happiness has to come from within, from a contentment with who you are inside. Transition is meant to be a tool to help us find contentment with our place in society and to help others see us for who we are, even to help us see ourselves the way we feel we should be.
But it's not a quick fix.
There's no quick fix for depression, and understanding that is the first step to coping.
Melanie E.
Comments
Like my little sister Melanie.....
I too suffer from gender dysphoria - yes, I am transitioning and finally getting to be the person that I have always been deep inside. It has taken me over five decades to get to where I am today - some of that my own fault, some because I allowed others to dictate to me who and what I was supposed to be, and some simply because of when I was born.
Like all of us, I am the sum of my experiences, both good and bad. And like all of us, I am littered with issues and idiosyncrasies because of those experiences. Like many here I have more than my fair share of issues due to my family and my upbringing - especially those of us of a certain age. Many of us were born before much of the current knowledge regarding gender dysphoria, or gender incongruence, was discovered and as well understood and acknowledged as it is today. Many of us grew up being told we were freaks or perverts - or afraid that if others found out about our innermost secrets that we would be so labeled. I know my life was shaped by the prejudices and ignorance of my parents (mostly my father), and those of his generation. I know that if I had been born 30 years later my life would have been different.
Like some here, I am chock full of traumatic experiences due my time in service to my country. I would not undue that which I have done as it made me who I am today. Yes, I have regrets, and yes, I wish I had not been to some of the places I was and had not seen many of the things I saw or done many of the things I had to do. But those things needed to be done - if not by me, then by someone else who probably wouldn't have been as good at doing them. As it is, it was my sworn duty and my honor required that I do it.
The point here is that like Melanie so clearly states, all of us are a bundle of different issues - usually intertwined and twisted to such an extent it becomes difficult to see where one ends and the next begins. I personally have been in therapy off and on for fully half of my adult life. And yes, my gender issues are a part of that tangled mess - but only a part, and as Melanie so eloquently states, solving one does not make the others go away. I should know - I had a breakdown not too long ago and ended up in a hospital with Marine guards at my door 24/7. Because of my work in the Navy, I am still carried as an active reservist so that I am still subject to certain regulations regarding disclosure - and that includes with my therapist.
So even as I move forward with my transition, even as I approach the finish line (hopefully before the end of this year!), I still suffer due to my other issues. I still wake up in the middle of the night soaking wet, the smell of burned cordite and death in my nose, my ears ringing from the 5" naval shells exploding nearby, looking at my hands to see if they are still covered with the blood of my RTO.
I am still dealing with the abusive relationship I had with my alcoholic asshole of a father, and am still working to rebuild my relationship with my mother since his death.
And no amount of transition will change those facts!
Yes, I will finally and truly be ME! But that is not the destination; no, it is only a step - a big one of course - on the road to happiness.
The sooner we all understand that, the sooner we can begin to deal with our problems and move forward.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Strength
You clearly have the strength -- you prove that just by your survival. Trauma has tried you, beaten you up a little, but you defied it by force of will. Be confident that you can overcome any remaining obstacles with grace and aplomb. May they be minor compared to what you've already survived. Love and appreciate yourself, and use that strength well,
Kudos
Kudos to you for marching on. Kudos to you for sticking it out and trying when all you want to do is curl up into a ball and die.
"There's no quick fix for depression"
very true. Same for PTSD. Its a lesson I'm learning ...
I went full time 2003 its
I went full time 2003 its not easy but nothing is you just got to buck up and get on with it.Male female trans life can hit you hard sometime you got to get up carry on.
when i was beginning my
when i was beginning my transition, my therapist warned me of the same thing
I Read This in The Reader's Digest Sixty Years Ago
Yes . . . not a typo. I read the following sixty years ago in the Reader's Digest.
We had just completed our move into our new house in a new city. Too worn out from unpacking we decided to eat out.
Our waitress struck up a conversation with us while we ate. After hearing that we were new in town she gave us sage advice on the best stores, parks, churches, etc.
My husband had just finished his apple pie when he asked her, "Do you think we'll be happy here?"
She answered his question with a question of her own. "Were you happy where you came from?"
He nodded. "It was hard to leave all our friends."
"Then," she said with a broad smile, "I can guarantee you'll be happy here."
Melanie . . . your story nails it. I hope that sixty years from now I can tell them your story.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Heard a different version
Years ago I heard a different version of the same idea.
Old timer sitting on porch of general store in the old west.
Covered wagon stopped and the man was asked what kind of town it was. He responded, " What was it like where you were?"
The man on the wagon responded, "Mean, miserable, people without a good word for anyone."
The old timer answered, "Keep moving, same kind of people we have here."
Next wagon approached and again the man was asked about the town and he responded with the same question.
The man one the wagon replied, "Wonderful kind hearted people, good neighbors, we hated to leave."
The old timer said, "Alight and look around, thats the same kind of people we have here,"
I Don't Know If...
I don't know if Confucius said this first, as some sources say, but it was definitely in the movie, "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension."
"No matter where you go, there you are."
Depression is devastating. Sharing it with a therapist can help. For me, meeting new people and making the effort to be friendly has often helped to interrupt the cycle. The right meds can help bridge the darkness, too, so don't reject those out of hand.
Can't run away
Regardless who we are, straight or gay or trans, we can run away from many things but we can not run away from ourselves.
I've been on a bit of a downer since I lost my wife of almost thirty years back in January but I am a survivor and will carry on with life.
Very well put!
I am yet to begin my transition to become the person on the outside, that I now know I am on the inside, but my first therapy appointment is this Thursday. I am quite late in begining as I am almost 47 but I hope that I can muster the strength and courage needed to finally be happy with myself. I know it will be a long hard road bit then again, isn't everything we do in life that way regardless of our gender? Your words following this story, as well as the story itself, have hit very true for it was just hours ago that I made the same decision, to soldier on and not give up! I may not post much or write many stories but reading all of yours gives me hope. Hope that one day we can all achieve our goals and be happy with ourselves. Much love to you all. Kisses.
Making a big life change is pretty scary. Know what's even more scary? Regret! XOX Bri.
My two cents
Transitioning may be a necessary part of the solution, but it's probably not the whole solution.
We humans are complex beings.
I have tried so many things to help myself. Others have helpfully given me advice. Things like. "It's all in your mind," or "You just gotta snap out of it."
Citalopram and Prozac don't work for me. High quality supplements help. Losing weight seems to help. It's a testament to just how overweight that I am that I lost 30-40 pounds before I even noticed it and bothered to weigh myself.
The next thing I intend to try is the FDA approved Fisher Wallace Stimulator. It's guaranteed, so I'll get my money back if it doesn't work. I'll let everyone know how it works.
So yeah, I should also get more exercise. That's difficult when you suffer from depression.
Video games help. Music helps. Hugs help. It would help if my loved ones didn't lecture me about how I just have to grit my teeth and do stuff no matter how I feel. That 'solution' kinda worked when I was younger and had more energy. I was pretending to be OK.
Oh yeah...
I forgot to mention that cuddling the cats helps a lot.
On the edge
I knew of two people who could no longer deal with their lives as they were and chose the gun as the solution.
One was elderly and wondered why he was still alive when all of his friends had died. He left a wife.
The other was in his twenties, had everything to live for, but could not accept something he had done. Guilt was the overwhelming factor as to why he chose the gun.
All of us, on a daily basis, live on the edge between ending it all and continuing with our lives. If we are truthful with ourselves, we will admit that at some point in our lives all of us have thought about ending it all for one reason or another. But didn't, for a variety of reasons.
Suicide is a selfish act, it doesn't care how loved ones would feel after the act. It doesn't care that others have experienced what we feel and learned how to make it through to the next day. And the day after that.
For some reason, at some point in time, someone put it into our heads that we are to solve our own problems. That our problems don't belong in the hands of others. That we don't share when we are hurting. That we don't turn to loved ones for the life saver we desperate need.
I myself have examined how my life will end, during a time when I could hardly stand any more of what I was feeling. What I learned at that time was that it wouldn't be my own hands which would end my life. And I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
It is hard to admit to a loved one that we have a problem, that we hurt, that we need help. But if we don't start reaching out to those love ones for help when it's needed, if we choose the gun instead of the hand, we will continue spreading hurt instead of love. Something all of us crave.
Others have feelings too.