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They're back, just in time....
by Erin Halfelven
"Got something in your eye, Joe?"
"No, Frank."
"I mean, I just asked -- cause, like, you're blinking a lot."
"Must be the smog."
"Yeah, smog. That could be it."
"What else could it be, Frank?"
"Nothing, I guess, Joe."
"That's right. Nothing."
"You sure are cranky lately, Joe."
"What do you mean, 'cranky', Frank?"
"No, not me, you."
"What?"
"You called me, 'Cranky Frank,' Joe."
"Forget it."
"Okay, sorry. You feelin' alright, Joe?
"I'm fine."
"You're acting like your feet hurt."
"My feet do hurt."
"I thought so. Maybe your shoes are too tight."
"We're cops, Frank, our feet are supposed to hurt."
"These shoes are killing me, Joe."
"You should have worn flats."
"Ha. Ha. Very funny, Joe. Hey, you know, I think that's the first time I ever heard you tell a joke, Joe."
"I tell jokes all the time, Frank. You just don't notice."
"How am I suppose to tell, Joe? You never smile."
"Not much to smile about in this business, Frank."
"Especially today."
"Yeah."
"The way my feet hurt."
"Yeah."
"And the smog."
"Yeah."
"You got something in your eye, Joe?"
"Don't start that again, Frank."
"This case is getting on my nerves, Joe."
"You don't say."
"That was a joke, wasn't it?"
"I didn't smile, did I?"
"No, you never smile. But I said, 'This case is getting on my nerves,' and you said, 'You don't say," and obviously, I did say -- so that must have been a joke. What you call it, irony."
"I've underestimated you, Frank."
"It's cause I'm so short."
"I guess I'm your straight man."
"Now that's pretty funny, Joe."
"Not really."
"Yeah. I guess not. It's this damn case."
"Yeah."
"All these crossdressing zombies."
"Yeah."
"Enough to give you the willies. Except they don't got no willies."
"Frank."
"Yeah, Joe?"
"I'll tell the jokes today."
"But -- no one will know!"
"It's better that way, Frank."
"You're sure cranky today, Joe."
"I think we're both a bit cranky."
"Maybe...."
"Don't say it."
"Well, it is February 14th. So it's kind of true."
"Whaddaya mean, Frank?"
"We should be home with our wives. Not here in the red light district."
"I'm divorced, Frank."
"Oh, yeah. Sorry, Joe."
"You're right about one thing."
"What's that, Joe?"
"My feet are killing me."
"It's these shoes."
"Whose idea was this anyway, Frank?"
"It was yours."
"Yeah, I know."
"You said, 'Maybe we can find out who's killing these transvestites by going undercover.'"
"I know it was my idea, Frank."
"That's why we're out here, standing on the street corner dressed like drag queens."
"I know."
"So why did you ask whose idea it was?"
"You never get any of my jokes, Frank."
"Aw, I'm sorry, Joe. I can't tell cause you've got that deadpan puss."
"I'm smiling on the inside, Frank."
"You look constipated."
"..."
"Sorry, Joe."
"Here comes someone."
"Aw, shit. Do you think he sees us?"
"He's supposed to see us."
"I'm gonna die of embarrassment."
"Do I look all right?"
"Not exactly. You look like a skinny transvestite hooker, Joe."
"That's what I'm supposed to look like."
"How do I look, Joe?"
"Dumpy."
"Aw, Joe. That wasn't nice. Where did our suspect go?"
"He went to the other side of the street."
"I wonder why."
"I can't imagine, Frank."
"That's a joke? But you still ain't smiling, Joe."
"I'm a Capricorn, Frank. We're all constipated."
"Damn."
"I got you, Frank."
"I keep falling off these heels."
"You could lean against my lampost."
"Har-de-har. That was actually kind of funny, Joe."
"Write it down."
"All I've got is an eyebrow pencil, Joe."
"Too bad."
"You're blinking again. You got something in your eye, Joe?"
"Since you ask, yeah."
"Yeah? Really?"
"Yeah, I think it's the Valentine's Day Mascara."
"I'm worried about you, Joe."
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Comments
Great humor in this story
Erin,
Once more you caught the bantering between the two partners perfectly. If indeed you were trying for Jack Webb and Ben Alexander, you got it on the nose. As an added history, were you aware that Jack Webb was made an honorary SGT with the Los Angeles Police Dept because of his total support of them. When Sgt Friday was promoted to Lt. Jack Webb was also moved up to honorary Lt. Another neat fact that is not so well known is ALL persons who played police officers or detectives on Dragnet and Adam 12 (another Jack Webb program)were first sent to an short LAPD academy so they would fully understand how police actually functioned. This was Jack Webb's requirement if you wanted to be a member of his programs. The program Adam 12 (about two patrol officers) was actually used by many police agencies across the U.S. as training aids due to its realism and correct police procedures.
Please continue your cute little story plot and don't leave us hanging. Janice Lynn Miller
Deadpan again
Groan!
LOL
Nick
Some Like It Hot
Valentine's Day Mascara!!! All your other commenteers have said it all. No dogs so shaggy!!!
After Jack Webb died, the Los Angeles police department did
something no other police agency had ever done. The Los Angeles police department retired Badge 714 in Jack Webb's honor, because they said that Jack Webb had done more PR for their department than their whole PR Department put together. I was glad they did that, because Jack Webb deserved that honor.
"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."
Love & Hugs,
Barbara Lynn Terry
"If I have to be this girl in me, then I have the right to be."
Some like it HOT
Your comment made look at Joe and Ben in the parts of Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon. I almost hurt myself! LOL!!! Jack Webb as Josephine? This story got a good chuckle but the comments are almost as good!!
hugs!
grover
Some like it...
Funny you should mention that movie. Falling asleep last night I got an idea for something (possibly
a serial) called SOME LIKE IT RADIOACTIVE. About a pair of small town girlie-men heading west to Hollywood in the 1950's, who---lost and bickering---find a small Nevada town that seems deserted. They're trying on various women's outfits when ...... little do they realize they have stumbled into a nuclear test site (if lightning can effect a gender transformation think what an A-bomb could do!) Later, as Las Vegas showgirls they have various adventures with Bugsy Seigel's mob, f.b.i. agents, rat-packers, atomic scientists, soviet spies. So many half-formed ideas like this, I wish I wrote faster!
Erin's sense of humor amazes me. Of all the people to put into drag, only John Wayne would be more absurd! And so many of her comments have hidden levels of irony that you have to think twice about before you realize how sublimely hilarious they are. Glad someone rediscovered this story, I don't get off the BigCloset main page enough...
~~~Laika
Well shit, I guess it really CAN happen here..,
.
Okay...
I LIKE that idea.
I have somewhere in my head a DD skit, "Some Like It Deadpan" and I have a few notes for a longer story called "Some Like It Noir" but "Some LIke It Radioactive" sounds ... hot? :) Go for it.
I did mention an all-star sequel to SLIH, "Some Like It Cool" in my story "Marilyn In Blue".
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
I know a healthy woman has a *glow* to her ...
But ladies, you glow in the dark!
I don't know, this could get out of hand. And if they marry the Simpsons Radioactive man and Fallout Boy Will they each have a nice nuclear family.
"You may now kiss the ..."
-- KA-BLOOEY --
"What happed?"
"When they kissed they exceeded crital mass."
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
Oh what a tangled Webb
Yes, I knew about Jack Webb's incestuous relations with the LA police Department. :) It is a company town.
And I'm working on that D.D. story I didn't do, "Deadpan 'til Christmas", hopefully ready by Christmas this time. :)
Oh, the Deadpan Detectives did make an appearance in the presentation ceremony for one of this years contests.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Groan
Shaggy dogs or what? I still liked it though. But I'm not smiling ... really.
Geoff
What the dog did in the night...
I had a Christmas story about these guys and I didn't get to write it 'cause that was the week someone took down the server and I had a case of sinusitis that made nothing at all funny. So I couldn't let another holiday pass without a visit.:)
Glad you liked it. Maybe I'll do the Christmas one next year. :)
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Stan Freberg
I only remember Dragnet as TV programme way back in the 50s here in the UK. One of, if not the first records I ever bought as a 15 yo was St George and the Dragonet with Little Blue Riding Hood on the other side (it was a 10" 78rpm shellac :) ) I can remember them both almost word for word even now. Stan Freberg is one of my heroes. Perhaps it's because I haven't owned a TV for nearly 40 years. Come to that I haven't been a practising TV for the same length of time.
Geoff
Groan
Can't afford the licence? :)
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Very Deadpan
Hi Erin,
This was great. Very subtle, very wry and perfectly balanced. You could just imagine two cops talking like that, though probably not crossdressed!
What I found also interesting was that the whole snippet was pure dialog without any setting. Yet we knew exactly what was happening and why. Great writing.
Hugs
Karen
Radio Dinner
Dragnet started out as a radio show and that's where Jack Webb perfected his style of dialog. He didn't let any of the actors see the script before they read it live; well, he had cause he'd usually been the writer. :) But visualizing what was happening in those old radio shows was part of the fun.
It's addictive. :) Glad you enjoyed it.
- Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
re: Radio Dinner
Hi,
I suppose so. I'm from a different era where radio drama is something people don't listen to (when it is on). Something like this just highlights how things have changed, and not always for the better.
Hugs
Karen
Three!
I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I was three when Dragnet moved to television. :)
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Ouch!
After reading the first one you would think I would learn? Painfully funny Erin!
Hugs,
Gwen
Gwen Lavyril
Recidivist
Some people never learn. :)
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Why Karen_Page
Why do you want Erin to snip it? The length seems just fine. Also, his name is Frank, not Bud.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
re: Why Karen_page
Huh?
I never asked Erin to snip it? Did I?
I'm confused
Hugs
Karen
Snip it in the Bud
Yes, Karen -- you did.
>>What I found also interesting was that the whole snippet was pure dialog without any setting.>>
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
re: Snip it in the Bud
Hi Angela
I said Snippet....which in England is a small piece of prose. Not snip it, which I think would be the wrong thing to do with a great funny piece.
I was congratulating Erin on her work and I'm sorry if that wasn't as it was read.
My humble apologies for my lack of good English.
Karen
You must be careful
around those who intentionally misread things.
What's this about a lack of good English?
All the English I know are good, some are even excellent. Perhaps I've been fortunate and met only the above average kind. Jenny Walker and Geoff are certainly in the excellent class, as are all the people I've worked with in my business -- who are Londoners.
Lack of good English? I suppose you mean Tony Blair, who should be punished for being so cozy with our poor English president.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Break it up, move along
Nothing to read here but painful puns in Labor. Straighten your Whigs, and move along. :)
- Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
I Carry A Pun
This is the wensite, Big Closet, Top Shelf. It was 72 degrees in my office; the kind of heat that causes mind-numbing boredom. My partner and I were working the day-watch on the Comment Board. It was our sworn duty to protect and serve. Some days serving the citizens was about all we could stand without protection of our own. Punny how that happens.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Don't blame the English for Tony Blair...
Tony Blair is Scottish, not English. So of course is his good mate Gordon Brown.
Best wishes, Andrea.
Best wishes, Andrea.
Good Point
And of course, George Bush is actually a Texan. :)
Sorry, couldn't resist. :)
- Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
A True Bill
Frank Smith was Joe Friday's classic partner, created on TV by Herbert Ellis (Jack Webb's co-writer) but more famously played by Ben Alexander--he's the man most people are imitating when they do Joe's partner. Including Harry Morgan when he played Joe's new partner, Bill Gannon, in the sixties version of the show. Barton Yarborough, who played Joe's partner Ben Romero on the radio show, necessitated the creation of Frank Smith by dying during the filming of the first episode of the TV show. All served well as foils for Joe's rigid moralism and stacatto interrogatories.
I love Harry Morgan but frankly :) Ben Alexander's quiet goofiness made the best contrast with Jack Webb's Joe not withstanding the sly digs Harry's savvyier Bill Gannon was able to get off. Harry seemed almost to wink at the audience when he delivered his best lines, a sort of self-referential, subliminal breaking of the fourth wall. Ben Alexander's Frank had more meat and substance, like a real cop who had blindly and blandly taken the part. Harry seemed like Joe's older brother, Ben more like Joe's other half.
Still, when I hear the dialog I write for the Deadpan Detectives in my head, it's Harry Morgan's gravelly whine and not Ben Alexander's softer burblings. Harry's voice is just more memorable.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Very Cool
I have seen Dragnet, you know, like on TV Land or something. I could actually here Jack Webb and Harry Morgan delivering the lines. Nicely done!
Scott
Bree
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
-- Tom Clancy
http://genomorph.tglibrary.com/ (Currently broken)
http://bree-ramsey314.livejournal.com/
Twitter: @genomorph
Voices
Yeah, those are the voices, I hear too. Except when it's Dan Ackroyed doing Joe. :)
- Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
the voices...
I can actually see Ackroyed saying, "Yeah, I think it's the Valentine's Day Mascara."
You are really one of us, Erin. Welcome to the 'Disturbed, Irritated, Contipated, and Kookoo Society'... Think about what our acronym is... LOL. "...but the dead guys ain't got none." ROTFLMAO
Much love.
Toni