Book 2, Chapter 59

“Duck!”

Just how much difference good friends make was made clear on Sunday afternoon. The main work of the day was replacing the track which allowed Dumblebit’s electric powered outboard to slide up and down in its cylindrical well - very much a job for those more skilled than me so I left that to the men while I got on with polishing the Coppercoat™ antifouling on Dumblebit’s bottom. This antifouling was another of Bill's ideas and would reputedly last 10 years before it needed to be replaced saving money and expensive haulouts in obscure parts of the world. The downside was that it had to be regularly lightly sanded, presumably usually underwater, to bring fresh copper to the surface deterring barnacles and seaweeds from growing on it.

In search of cold beer that afternoon Serena, Jenny, Kelly, Evan, Philip, Andy and Penny all turned up bearing rags, sponges and chammies to clean, polish and buff Dumblebit to an immaculate gleam. All went well until Dumblebit was dropped back into the water from where Bill, Da, Jack and Ian took her off on a meandering motor back to the pontoons leaving the gang of us with idle hands but armed with hoses and dirty rags as ammunition… !

“Duck!”

By the time we’d exhausted ourselves and collapsed into an giggling heap it was clear that we might be sceptical imposters in the adult world but with each other at that moment we were completely unmasked and trusting as children. Trusting I say but that was relative once we noticed that Philip, instead of joining the water-fight, had been filming it! Evan as Philip’s protective boyfriend did take the camera to keep it safe before the rest of us played ‘let’s see how far out into the harbour we can throw Philip’.

Soaking Philip was not the brightest of ideas because we then had to find him something dry to wear. As we were close to Da’s workshop that meant my clothes. I do hope Philip didn’t have any cross-dressing fantasies as the only things available were the dirty work dungarees I was wearing or my street clothes which were safely hanging inside and there was no way was Philip getting into that dress!

Gossiping over drinks in the pub that evening the subject of gender came up with Philip’s called into question but interestingly, not Evan’s sexuality. A few years ago such a conversation if it came up at all would probably have been very derogatory toward gay relationships so I asked, “Has the world changed in its attitude toward sexuality and gender or is it just us?”

“Seeing you transition has been a game changer for me,” stated Serena. “Spending the afternoon working on Dumblebit it struck me how much more relaxed you are now than when you lived as Dai. Don’t take that the wrong way as I liked Dai but you are somehow more real… more rounded now!”

“So you’ve noticed her bum’s grown too!” opined Andy, who, with Penny’s permission, I really must kill one day.

Simon who had also dropped into the pub asked whether performers like Marc Bolan and David Bowie had been an influence but none of us had heard of Bolan and associated Bowie with the music of Ashes to Ashes more than anything else. Evan didn't think that public figures led social change so much as their survival while showing themselves honestly encouraged others to follow suit. “For years there were camp performers who were ridiculed and seeing them on television gay people of all types continued to hide because they didn’t want to be ridiculed. It wasn’t until respected people stated they were gay without losing face that the tide changed.”

“We've all moved on so far since last year that the labels seem trivial,” offered Jenny. “So many of the changes that have happened seem accidental that I no longer think who we appear to be at any moment is a matter of choice. This time last year I never thought for a moment that I would be modelling again. The fact that I am is down to Venus and Litara, not to me.”

“You could have said no Jenny. At any moment you could have pulled out but you didn’t. You made the most of the opportunity and along the way helped me too. Chance plays its part but you more than anyone are the person responsible for your new career.”

“What about you then Venus? You’ve done so many things recently that you’ve seemed more like a flitting butterfly than anything else but seeing you with Dumblebit this afternoon highlighted that in a short time you will be sailing off around the world and even if you do come back you’ll never be the same person we grew up with.”

“None of us will be the same by the time I get back but we’ll all still have shared history we can tease each other about. I’ll for instance remember Andy’s gybe about my bum when he has a beer belly and is going bald."

Change was very much on my mind on Tuesday evening faced by the Harding’s self-help group. There were three traditional pairs of parents and three parents who were either single mothers or had a husband who hadn’t joined us. There were no gay couples to confuse things further but nine children as some brothers and/or sisters had come along. The children thought it was great meeting their friends, swiftly dumping their parents in favour of fun. Looking at them I didn’t have much idea which children were gender confused as they simply got on with playing and gossiping without a care in the world. Luckily I had been able to have a phone chat with Marjorie Stanhope, the psychiatrist so it was with her advice that I started.

“My doctor’s personal view is that what she calls gender dysphoria isn’t an illness. The problems occur when the behaviour of a child exhibiting GD contradicts our preconceived assumptions as to a child’s likely path through life.”

I went on to give them Dr Stanhope’s details so that they had at least one friendly specialist to whom they could refer their own doctor if necessary but not all my information was welcome as I had to confirm that in the UK in 2001 it was medical policy not to prescribe any hormonal treatment for gender dysphoria let alone surgery for those under 18. Two parents did each say their child was pressuring them for hormones to stop the developments accompanying puberty but I could only warn them that not all the drugs people bought in from abroad were as they were advertised. All I could really do personally was to allow them to talk to me as an individual. None had ever met someone of my age who had transitioned both socially and through surgery and one of the fathers when he learnt of my unusual medical situation felt cheated.

“ You were just a tomboy type girl who had her clit trimmed! We came here expecting to meet someone who had successfully changed gender.”

“That isn’t too far from the truth. I didn’t grow up believing I was either a boy or a girl although as everybody around me, including my doctors, believed I was a boy I assumed they must know. My path has been one of, at a rather later age than most, coming to accept that, at least in part, I’m a girl.”

The looks around me made it obvious that my explanation was as clear as mud so I tried again.

“I don’t believe I’ve changed gender, merely grown into the person you see in front of you. It’s happened without any intention of mine despite the expectations of the people around me. Luckily however, when they saw things about my appearance and behaviour that didn’t fit their expectations instead of trying to get me to change my behaviour they gave me space to grow.”

“So Arwen isn’t like you?” asked Joan Harding.

“Certainly she seems much more certain of feminine aspects of her gender than I was at her age but maybe there are masculine traits that haven’t developed yet.”

“Does that mean you can’t help her?”

“You’re already helping your children enormously. The law and institutions like schools haven’t caught up with what we’re learning about those who don't fit in a neat gender box. That means your children desperately need your acceptance while they learn about themselves. Try to think of gender as similar to being left or right handed. That’s no problem now but in Victorian England in the cause of conformity all children were forced to write with their right hands resulting in some left-handed children developing stutters. In my case I might have been able to live conforming to male expectations but since being accepted and learning to accept myself as predominately female my life has blossomed.”