A Summer of Changes
by Louise Anne Smithson

Book 5 Chapter 3

Clearing the decks

Denise already knew the outcome of her forthcoming discussion with John, for she had decided that if he did not say the necessary words, then she would do so herself. But, given all the circumstances, she felt the decision might be better coming from him rather than her. She wanted to look her best to boost her own self-confidence and so she was quite relieved that he took more than the promised hour to arrive at the flat. It gave her the chance to change into one of her summer dresses, as befitted the weather outside, and also to disguise the evidence of her sleepless night with cosmetics. He arrived at 2.30 pm, shortly after Samantha had left to go and see here sister, having first telephoned to make sure that she was alone for the afternoon.

‘Shall we take a drive out to Twickenham?’ he asked. ‘Simon has told me about a pub he knows there, next to the river Thames.’

‘That sounds fine to me,’ answered Denise trying to sound relaxed and friendly.

Twickenham is eight miles from Shepherd’s Bush, and on a Sunday afternoon the car journey takes about thirty minutes. John appeared to be nervous as he drove along the Great West Road, and he too displayed signs of not having slept too well. Denise looked expectantly but he seemed to be unable to initiate any conversation as they drove and so once they had turned off towards Richmond, she decided to say something herself to break the ice.

‘How are things back at the flat?’

‘Things are getting back to normal; everything is now cleared up and Jane has successfully removed the stain from her dress. Simon has gone round to have it out with his friend.’

‘Oh,’ she replied.

‘I suspect you may receive a grovelling letter of apology or else Simon says he will have nothing more to do with him. No matter how much he had to drink, his behaviour was inexcusable.’

‘I have no wish ever to see him again, and I think that both Samantha and I would not wish him to know our address; he does seem rather unstable,’ said Denise.

‘Simon realises that. If a letter is forthcoming, it will be conveyed to you via Jane.’

‘Alright, so be it, but it will be a long time before I forgive him for what he said.’

‘I know. I was up half the night talking to Simon about it. Apparently Peter is often rather full of himself, but Simon says that he has never seen him act in quite such a bigoted and aggressive manner. He now wonders about Peter’s sexuality. Apparently he has had dozens of girl-friends over the years but has never been able to sustain a relationship.’

‘From the evidence of his behaviour last night I can see why that should be,’ replied Denise.

‘For all we know, he may even have been envious of you.’

Denise smiled at the thought.

‘Do you really think so? If that is so, I can understand his anger; he would look awful in a dress.’

‘I have no idea if it is true or not, but we all have our secrets,’ added John.

‘I wonder what are yours?’ thought Denise as they continued their journey.

---

They found the pub in Twickenham without too much difficulty and parked the car, but Denise suggested they might go for a walk along the tow-path first, and John was happy to agree. Along with other couples, they ambled slowly along the path, but this time there was no physical contact between them. Once again she waited for him to initiate the conversation, but he seemed unwilling or unable to do so.

‘Alright John, it is now crunch time. What was it that you wanted to say to me that was so important?’ said Denise, feeling that they could no longer avoid speaking of the issue that they were clearly both thinking about.

He blushed.

‘Yesterday evening you said that you would not think less of me if I wanted to back out.’

‘Yes, I did.’

‘Did you mean it?’

‘Yes I did mean it; I like you too much to joke about such matters’.

‘Well, what made you say that?’

‘Because, in spite of how much I like you, I think our relationship may have been a mistake for both of us.’

He looked down at his feet.

‘I think I now share the same opinion as you do, although I feel such a coward to be backing off, just after you were savaged by that bully last night.’

‘Oh don’t worry about that, I had plenty of other people to stand up for me last night — most notably my flatmate.’

‘I think that I got carried away in Brighton. I was so proud and excited to be seen out with someone as lovely as you are, and then afterwards to discover that you were willing to sleep with me. It was like a dream come true, but at the time I did not think about the difficulties involved.’

‘You mean the difficulty of explaining to your mother and father that your new girlfriend has a penis.’

‘I suppose so,’ he answered looking decidedly shamefaced.

Denise stopped walking and turned to face him, looking him directly in the eye.

‘If we had stayed together you would have to give up a lot, even after my gender re-assignment. There could be no chance of any children, and there would always be gossip about my past.’

‘You must think me a coward.’

‘Perhaps a little bit, but, as the saying states, ‘’discretion is the better part of valour’’. In any event, you were not the only one at fault. I too got carried away. I became intoxicated by exercising the power that dressing as a woman has brought to me, without sufficiently thinking about how to use it responsibly. After eighteen years as a nonentity, I suddenly found that people began to take notice of me, and it was very flattering.’

‘Denise, you are still very young and only just beginning to find your way as a woman.’

‘Yes, and I think I now ought to spend a little time getting used to my new life before I think about any other relationship.’

They began to walk again without saying anything. Eventually he spoke again.

‘I would like to think that we could still remain as friends,’ he said tentatively.

She smiled before replying.

‘Yes, I would like that too, but no more nights together in hotel rooms,’ she replied.

‘Agreed!’

‘In any event, I have half-promised my sister that you and I would help her to move in to her new flat at the end of the month.’

‘I would be very happy to do so, I liked your sister and got on well with her last week,’ he replied.

---

Denise felt as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders, now that the air had been cleared between them and they both knew where they stood. They made their way back to the pub to have a last drink together, where they chatted a little awkwardly about things other than themselves or their past. At seven p.m. he drove her home once again. As she got out of the car and blew him a final kiss, she noticed Samantha about fifty yards away, returning from the tube station. She waved goodbye to John and then stood waiting for her friend to catch up, trying to read the expression on her face. He friend looked tired and anxious.

‘Have you spoken to Jane?’

Samantha nodded.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

Samantha sighed, and then replied.

‘Yes please.’

‘Come in then and I’ll make us both a cup of tea and you can tell me all about it.’

---

‘So how did it go?’ asked Denise.

‘I believe it went as well as could be expected in the circumstances.’

‘Did she know already?’

‘She says that she’d had her suspicions but was not sure since her friends who are lesbians are all fairly butch. In any event, she had tended to push any suspicions to the back of her mind as she had her own things to worry such as her wedding and pregnancy.’

‘So how does she feel now that she has had her suspicions confirmed?

‘I don’t know really. It seemed to be no big deal for her. She just accepted the news and then asked if I was going to tell Dad.’

‘And are you?’

‘We discussed the pros and cons of trying to keep it a secret from him, but in the end decided that it was better to be honest. She has agreed to help me to break the news to him and so we are travelling to Birmingham together next weekend.’

‘Good luck. I’ll be thinking of you.’

‘Thanks, but there is one other thing.’

‘Go on’.

‘I am not ashamed of who I am, but I would rather you did not say anything about it at work or to my cousin until after I have had a chance to tell Dad.’

‘Of course I won’t say anything. It is your business and nothing to do with me.

‘Thanks.’

‘In any event, John and I have decided to go our separate ways, by mutual agreement.

Samantha looked a little awkward.

‘Denise, don’t misunderstand why I am saying this, but I now think that you have made the right decision.’

‘Maybe I should join a nunnery as well’ said Denise laughing.

‘I don’t think you would quite qualify — yet,’ said Samantha.

‘No, but maybe I will in a few months time.’

---

Later that evening, Denise had a long telephone chat with Alison, who had just returned from a long weekend away with her boyfriend. After asking how her friend had enjoyed her weekend, and then fishing for some more information about Sue and her new boyfriend, Denise brought her up to date with events in her own life. She gave a humorous account of Jane’s dinner party and Peter’s outburst.

‘My goodness wasn't he a jerk! I thought his kind became extinct along with the Dodo,’ said Alison.

‘Clearly not, there must be an isolated breeding colony somewhere.’

‘More likely an inbreeding colony, from the sound of it,’ she replied. ‘But why did you faint like that, or was it just a ruse to get rid of him?’

‘No, it was a genuine faint, I was quite prepared to stand up for myself, but suddenly I felt light-headed. I think it was probably due to the tablets you gave me as I have fainted a few times since I started taking them, but don’t worry, I have stopped taking any more until I have seen an endocrinologist.’

‘You should have mentioned it to me before, you no doubt need to have a lower dosage. However, perhaps it is just as well that you have stopped. It might be wise to mention what happened when you eventually see the doctor, but please don’t tell him where you got them from.’

‘Don’t worry; I’ll say I bought them off the Internet.’

---

The following day at work discussion was all about Jane’s dinner party.

‘Alison told me what happened; I hope you were not too upset by the events’ said Sue.

‘I was a little, but ignorance like that is something I will have face from time to time as a transsexual, but I am determined not to let it get to me,’ answered Denise.

‘I am glad. From what I have seen of you over the last few months I think you should be intelligent enough to rise above such bigotry.

‘Thanks. I was more concerned about having spoiled Jane’s dress, but fortunately she tells me it is now alright.’

‘If you wish, I’ll look out for a suitable long evening dress for you, so that the next time you are invited out to a posh dinner do not have to borrow one,‘ said Helen, joining the conversation.

‘That is very kind of you Helen, thank you very much, but I don’t envisage attending may formal events for some time,’ replied Denise.

‘You never know,’ said Sue.

‘Denise, when you have finished what you are doing, would you mind coming to see me in my office,’ said Helen.

---

‘Come in and sit down Denise,’ said Helen a half an hour later.

Denise did as she was told.

‘So let us get down to business. Over the last three weeks our sales have been steadily increasing, as we put more of the catalogue online. I can’t see that rate of increase changing until late October, and by then our turnover should have risen by 50% over the previous year. If my projections prove to be accurate it will have been largely due to your work. We have already spoken about your annual bonus due next month. At the outset I promised you  £1,000 when the modelling job was completed. I have now decided to bring that forward to your September pay cheque, and then I will match that with a further  £1,000 when the job is complete.’

‘Thank you, that is very generous of you,’ replied Denise. ‘The extra money will help me to begin to fund my transition, but I am not the only person in the office who is responsible, there is Sue and Samantha, and in fact everyone in the office has helped to some degree.’

‘I know that, and I will be taking it into account when assessing their bonuses,’ answered Helen, ‘and I will also give Samantha an extra payment when she leaves us next month.

‘I am glad about that,’ answered Denise.

‘I shall also be recruiting a new office junior in September who will take over most of your existing clerical jobs. Once you have taught her what to do, I should like you to begin playing a more central role in the business, dealing with clients, visiting show rooms, choosing which lines we shall market etc. Above all, I should also like you to be on the lookout for ways in which we can continue to expand or automate the business. Of course I will be amending your pay accordingly.’

‘Thank you Helen, that sounds like an interesting and exciting opportunity. I promise to do my best for you.’

‘That brings me to my final point. Storage space is likely to be at a premium over the next few months if we are going to cope with the extra business. I am currently storing three cardboard boxes for Denis. Two of them contain his clothes and one with other items and documents. It would be helpful to know how long I will need to keep them.’

‘Oh yes, sorry, I had forgotten all about them. I suspect I will no longer have any need for them as I have now passed the point of ever turning back. Maybe I could just have a last check through the boxes this evening, just to make sure there is nothing important. Afterwards I will arrange either to give them away to a charity shop or otherwise dispose of them in the morning.’

‘As long as you are sure that is what you wish to do; I am not trying to push you into any particular course of action,’ answered Helen.

‘No, I am quite sure what I need to do. It is time for me to look to the future and not try to hang on to the past.’

‘In that case keep anything you might need and leave the remainder in cardboard boxes outside my office tonight. I will either take them to the charity shop or otherwise dispose of them in the morning,’ said Helen.

---

Thus, on Tuesday 10th August 2004, Denise said goodbye to the bulk of the remaining evidence of the existence of a young man named Denis Simons. In less than three months since Jane’s wedding everything had changed. All that was now left of her previous life were a few official documents and the evidence of her own body; and she hoped to be able to begin the process of rectifying both of these over the next few weeks.