“Happy birthday dear Priya,” everyone sings, at the prompting of the Indian girl’s middle-aged father. “Happy birthday to you!” Priya blushes as she holds her long black hair out of her face, before blowing out the fifteen candles on her rich chocolate cake.

“Fifteen years old,” Mr. Malik says with palpable pride. “I almost can’t believe that my little girl is really growing up.”

“Dad!” Suriya says, making everyone giggle.

“’Little’, not ‘littlest’!” Mr. Malik says, making both Priya and Suriya blush.

“Thank you all for my presents,” Priya says with a nervous giggle. “Thank you all for coming tonight!” I smile as Priya cuts the cake for everyone, but before I can go and get a slice for myself, I’m interrupted by the familiar feeling of Priya’s younger sister grabbing my arm and cuddling it close to her chest.

“Ashley…” Suriya pleads in her soft Indian accent. “Get me a BIG slice, please please please?”

“I can’t get any slices whilst you’re grabbing my arm like that!” I say, making Suriya giggle in a high-pitched squeak before releasing me to get her cake. It always amazes me how very different the sisters are, considering how alike they look- Priya is the older, sensible, level-headed sister, whilst Suriya is the younger, excitable, flighty sister. Almost exactly like my sisters Bryony and Cassidy…

“Come on, come on!” Suriya giggles as I return to her with a slice of cake for her and one for myself. “Ashley… Get Laura a slice as well, would you?” I roll my eyes as the fourteen-year old blonde girl pouts at me, before she giggles as I hand her my slice and return to the cake for a slice for myself. As I return to the table, I bristle slightly as I see the tall, looming frame of Phil Brooks walk past, giving me a quizzical, almost threatening stare as he does. He and Laura had been going out for almost a year, but a few weeks ago it had transpired that he’d been seeing another one of our friends behind Laura’s back, leaving her feeling devastated. Ever since then, Laura’s hung around with me and Suriya wherever possible, which is an arrangement that should be perfectly okay with me- what young boy wouldn’t like being fawned over by two older, very attractive girls- if it wasn’t for the fact that every time I see Laura, it’s a reminder that she’s living the life I so desperately wish I was.

After school today, Laura changed out of her soft grey tights, tiny ballerina pumps and pleated grey skirt and into a modest knee-length party dress, nude tights and strappy shoes with a 1.5 inch heel. So did Suriya- only her shoes have a 2 inch heel and a small platform, as she’s shorter than Laura- and so did the other girls. They also applied make-up- foundation, eyeliner, mascara and, in Laura’s case, bright red lipstick.

I, on the other hand, and wearing a smart, striped shirt, fashionable black trousers and my school shoes. And I would give anything to just be able to wear even one of the beautiful items of clothing that the other girls are wearing.

As I sit down, I grimace as Laura and Suriya arrange themselves either side of me and immediately start peppering my cheeks with kisses, before pinning my arms to my sides with a tight, giggly hug.

“Can’t eat my cake like this?” I say to the two girls, who reluctantly release me and allow me to tuck into my cake. Before I’ve even taken one bite, though, Suriya has stuck her fork into my cake and taken a large chunk out of it for herself.

“Your own slice wasn’t enough?” I moan, making Laura and Suriya giggle.

“Boyfriends share everything with their girlfriends!” Suriya says. Look at Priya and [Priya’s boyfriend], he’s letting her eat his cake!

“Yeah, but she’s KISSING him in return!” Laura giggles. I laugh as Suriya rolls her eyes, before swallowing her cake and giving me a long, sloppy kiss.

“Happy now?” Suriya asks as she wipes a bit of cake off of my lips with her thumb.

“I am,” I say, making Suriya playfully hit me with a cushion. “Only good thing about being a boy is being a boyfriend…” I grimace as the recently-single Laura sighs at the mention of the word ‘boyfriend’. “Umm, sorry Laura, I, um, didn’t…”

“Nah, it’s okay,” Laura says, licking her scarlet lips. “I’m far too good for that arsehole anyway!”

“Hell yeah you are!” Suriya giggles.

“Why did your sister have her party on a school night, anyway?” I ask Suriya.

“She always has,” the tiny Indian girl shrugs. “Believes it not really a birthday party unless it’s on her birthday, even if it only lasts a couple of hours. She was really happy she got to dance in a tutu last night, though!”

“Miss Fullerton always does that when it’s a girl’s birthday,” Laura sighs, before grimacing as she sees the look on my face. “I, um, think we’re making Ashley envious…”

“Trust me, you did that a long time before you started talking about tutus,” I sigh, making the two girls frown.

“Tell your parents, for god’s sake!” Laura urges me.

“I will,” I sigh. “Eventually.”

“By ‘eventually’ you mean ‘after you leave home in your mid-twenties’, right?” Suriya asks.

“…Probably,” I moan. “I- I can’t simply come out and just say it, I’ve got my sisters to think about, and my dad…”

“Your dad should be thinking of you, not the other way round,” Laura says in a dark voice. “Take it from someone who knows.”

“What about,” Suriya suggests, “you just spend one day as a girl, for, you know, just a bit of fun?”

“Umm… I’m not sure what you mean,” I say.

“Well,” Suriya says, “We dress you up in our clothes one day, and our make-up, just for a little bit of fun, your parents will assume it’s a game and we can sort-of judge their reactions, and if they don’t disapprove too much, you can then come out properly?”

“I still don’t know,” I say. “And wouldn’t that be offensive to Laura? Like, us treating her ‘choice’ as just a game?”

“If it helps you make your ‘choice’ then I’m all for it,” Laura says. “Though when are we going to get the opportunity to do something like this, in a place where her parents can see?”

“The play,” Suriya shrugs. “I put Ashley in my Juliet dress, say it’s just playing around…”

“I’m in,” I whisper, making Suriya and Laura both give me a tight hug that once again pins my arms to my sides.

“Well,” Suriya says, “whilst you’re still my BOYfriend, can you go and get us a drink each?”

“I will do when I can move,” I say, making the two girls giggle.

“Actually…” Laura laughs. “I’d rather you stay here a while so I can enjoy this cute BOY’s body while it lasts!” I smile as Laura’s soft, smooth arms wrap themselves even tighter around me and she starts to press her chest into my side. Ever since she was twelve- the age I am now- Laura has been taking a special medication to block the production of testosterone and prevent her from having a normal male puberty. Now that she’s fourteen, she’s also been prescribed oestrogen tablets to enable her to have a normal female puberty. Even though she’s only been taking the tablets for a few weeks, I can still feel a noticeable ‘shape’ to her chest as she presses it into me. It isn’t as noticeable as Suriya’s, for obvious reasons, but it’s still there… And more importantly, it’s more noticeable than my flat chest. A chest that will soon bulk out with wide shoulder, pectoral muscles, even chest hair… All of which I am desperate to avoid.

I leave the party just after 8:30pm, getting a lift home with Laura’s mother as the blonde girl continues to paw at me on the back seat of the car.

“Leave him alone!” Laura’s mother giggles. “Need I remind you that he’s Suriya’s boyfriend?”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy being near him,” Laura says as she lazily rests her head on my shoulder.

“Yeah, well he’s only twelve,” Mrs. White says. “So make sure you don’t get too ‘near’!”

“Mum!” Laura retorts. “It’s nothing like THAT, we’re friends, that’s all…” I smile nervously as Laura gives me another kiss on my cheek, followed by many more before I (and the lipstick smudges on my cheeks) am dropped off at my home.

“And what time do you call this?” Dad asks as I enter the house. “Just kidding, Ash, just kidding… I’d have given anything to have gone to a 15 year old girl’s party when I was your age- and I stress again, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE… Guess you had fun, going by those marks on your cheeks!”

“Suriya and Laura had a little fun…” I say, making dad chuckle.

“So you’ve got two girlfriends now?” dad asks. “Or as Laura’s one of them, one and a half girlfriends?”

“It’s one girlfriend,” I retort. “And one very close friend who is also a girl, completely a girl.”

“Well- yes,” dad says. “Obviously we’ll keep saying that in front of your sisters, but you and I know better, right? I don’t think they’re allowed to do the, um, the choppy-choppy until she’s eighteen, are they?”

“Doesn’t make her any less a girl to me,” I say as I head upstairs to get ready for bed.

“Fair enough,” dad shrugs. “Live and let live, I suppose. As long as you don’t suddenly start wearing dresses and lipstick, heh!”

“Heh,” I force a laugh out, before entering my room and staring at the various dresses and lipsticks I have stashed in my small, tucked-away suitcase. I sigh sadly, before washing my face- scrubbing away the lipstick on my cheek, the only make-up I’ve ‘worn’ in over two weeks. After pulling on my horrible, plain boy’s pyjamas, I climb into bed and lay awake for ages, imagining what it must have been like for Laura today with her dress, her heeled shoes, her long hair and her thick make-up…

I wake up the following morning and head down to breakfast in my dressing gown, giggling as I hear the sound of a very excited young girl at the breakfast table.

“Can I take my uniform to school?” The childish, expectant voice of my second-oldest sister pleads with my mother. “Pretty, pretty please?”

“No, Cassie,” mum says, making the 5 year old girl pout. “You don’t need to take it to school, and it’ll only distract you if you have it with you!”

“Not it won’t!” Cassie argues, making me smile at her persistence. “Ashley, mum won’t let me take my ballet uniform to school with me!”

“Well, she doesn’t let me take mine to school either,” I say, making Cassie smile.

“Yes but you only wear a t-shirt and leggings,” Cassie argues. “My uniform’s pink, and I love wearing pink things!”

“You’re wearing your pink vest today, aren’t you?” Mum asks, making Cassie nod. “Tell you what- if I don’t hear another word about your uniform before you leave… I’ll let you open your advent calendar BEFORE school, okay?” I giggle as Cassie eagerly nods her head, eating her breakfast quick and remaining silent right up until we prepare to leave for school, when she cheers as mum passes her her Frozen-themed Advent Calendar and, more importantly, the chocolate within.

“Thank you for letting me have my Advent Calendar early, mum,” Cassie says in her characteristically saccharine voice.

“You’re very welcome, Cassie,” mum says. “Are you looking forward to your first day of ballet?” Mum and I both giggle as Cassie enthusiastically nods her head.

“How about you, Bryony?” I ask. “Did you have fun at your first lesson last night?”

“It was okay,” Bryony shrugs. “The uniform’s stupid…”

“It’s like that so that the teacher can see your joints,” I say. “Besides, it’s no different than a pair of tights and a swimsuit, is it?” I feel a small twinge as I say the words- both of the things I just described are things I literally dream about wearing.

“Yeah, but I don’t wear them outside, do I?” Bryony retorts.

“You don’t wear ballet uniform outside, either,” I say, silencing the young girl.

“Can I wear mine outside if I promise not to get it dirty?” Cassie asks, making me giggle again.

“No,” mum says, “you only wear your uniform when you’re dancing.” I try to suppress my giggles as Cassie pouts yet again, but the sight of her young face scowling is far too adorable to avoid letting out a small snigger. Almost immediately, though, I remember back to when I was five years old, having just started school, and asking why I couldn’t wear the girls’ uniform instead of my own itchy grey trouser. Mum and dad told me then in no uncertain terms that only girls could wear a girl’s uniform, and I’d only ever be able to wear trousers. I may even have cried, I can’t remember for sure, but that only reinforced my desire to one day be the girl I always wanted to be.

I smile as I greet my six female friends at the school gate, and Suriya once again cuddles my arm like it’s a security blanket. The ‘twinge’ I got in the car comes back in full force as I stare at the girls’ legs encased in their thick tights and covered by their knee-length skirts, and my own legs covered by itchy grey trousers. The knowledge that Nicole- due to her broken leg- will also have to wear trousers for the rest of the term is little comfort as I leave my friends and head to form, where I’m confronted by yet more images of skirts, tights and long hair.

“Hey Ash,” George- the boy I typically work with in class- says as I sit down next to him.

“Hi George,” I reply.

“Good night last night?” George asks. “Not the prancing about in tights, I mean, but the party.” I force a smile on my face as George chuckles at the thought of my dancing- something that’s hardly new and is hardly the worst reaction I’ve ever got due to being a ‘boy’ who takes ballet. It’s not like I’ve ever suffered physically due to my dancing- the other girls all ‘shield’ me from that ever happening- but I barely go two days without someone at school calling me ‘twinkle toes’ or things a hundred times worse.

“It’s boy’s leggings, not tights,” I retort, making George laugh even louder.

“Yeah, because that’s so much better,” George replies sarcastically. “So come on then, did you get off with any of the girls?”

“That was always going to happen at her house in front of her dad, wasn’t it?” I retort, making George shrug.

“You got a dick, use it!” George chuckles, making me force yet another smile on my face. Unlike me, George is thirteen years old, and also unlike me, he has very clearly started puberty. Almost overnight, his voice dropped from the same pitch as mine to a deep, loud mumble, and his height increased to a (compared to me) huge 5’ 9”. He’d have all the makings of the ‘jock’ my dad clearly wishes I was, if he wasn’t also very noticeably overweight and completely disinterested in sport, instead preferring to watch TV and play videogames. Needless to say, none of the girls have ever shown any ‘interest’ in him, even as a friend instead of a boyfriend. Hell, the only reason I hang out with him is because the only other option is being an outcast in every single class I’m in…

Fortunately, break soon rolls around and I find myself ‘free’ from George and able to go back to the other six girls, who are already deep in conversation as I approach.

“Ugh,” Nicole spits as she pokes at her plaster cast with a long, thin object. “This damned thing will NOT stop itching…”

“It’s your own fault for trying to show off en pointe,” Harriet retorts with an angry look on her face. Whilst Laura may have started to forgive Nicole for stealing her boyfriend, not all of the other girls are willing to be as forgiving, even though they were personally hurt by what Nicole did.

“And it won’t heal as quick is you keep poking at it,” The ever-sensible Priya says.

“I know, I know,” Nicole moans as she puts her ‘scratcher’ back in her bag. “Still want to learn to dance en pointe, Ash?”

“I guess,” I shrug. “It’s not like I’d ever actually dance en pointe, I’d never be in any recitals wearing pointe shoes, it’s just…”

“I get it,” Megan says with a sad smile. “Though it doesn’t make you any less ‘one of the girls’ if you don’t learn to dance en pointe. Look at Nicole, for example.”

“Thanks, Megan!” Nicole replies sarcastically.

“It does help, though,” Laura says, bringing a brief, awkward silence to the table. “Not as much as wearing a leotard and a pair of tights to ballet class, of course, and you’ll always have that option, Ash. You know what it is you have to do…”

“Yeah, that’s looking further away than ever today, though,” I moan.

“Why?” Suriya asks, cuddling my arm yet again. “What happened?”

“Something my dad said last night,” I sigh. “We were talking about you, Laura, and he said he hoped never to see me wearing a dress or make-up…”

“Ugh,” Laura spits. “So what would he prefer you to wear, an ISIL uniform? A Britain First badge, maybe?”

“Bit extreme, isn’t it?” Priya asks.

“There are a million worse things for a boy to wear than a dress or some make-up,” Laura says.

“Not for some people,” I sigh sadly as the bell rings to signify the end of break.

“Wish I had a girlfriend who let me grope her at break,” George laughs as we head to our next class.

“Well you’re not having mine,” I say, making George snort.

“Nah, I don’t want her anyway, can’t even pronounce her name,” George shrugs, though I can tell from his voice that he’s not telling the whole truth.

“Well, Laura’s now single,” I say, grimacing as George scrunches up his face at the thought of going out with my friend.

“Ugh, no thank you!” George spits. “I prefer my girls to NOT have dicks!”

“She has boobs, though,” I shrug.

“That just makes it worse,” George snorts. “That makes it a boy with boobs, not a girl! Though I’ll take your girlfriend and you can have Laura, if that’s the sort of thing you’re into!” I snort and roll my eyes as we take our seats in class, though inside I take George’s rejection of Laura personally- it’s yet another nail in the coffin of my dream of becoming a girl full-time…

Most of my classmates breathe a sigh of relief at as the bell rings later in the afternoon to signify the end of the school day. Normally, I would too, as it normally means I can go home to my sisters, or to ballet, or to see any of my girl friends, but today, my relief has to wait a while, as when I head out to my mum’s car, George is following closely behind me.

"Afternoon, boys!" Dad laughs as George and I get in his car. "Good day today?"

"Yeah, not bad," I say.

"Thanks for letting me come home with Ash, Mr. Moore," George says.

"That's fine, George," dad says with an obvious grin on his face- a grin that shows how happy he is that I have a friend who ISN'T a girl. The same can't be said, however, of the tiny girl we pick up five minutes later.

"Hi Cassie! Hi Bryony!" George says as my two younger sisters sit down next to me on the back seat.

"Hi George," Bryony sighs in her usual annoyed-sounding voice.

"Hi George," Cassie says, clearly unhappy at the boy's presence in the car.

"You girls have fun at school?" Dad asks.

"I did," Bryony says, interrupting our younger sister before she can talk. "All Cassie could talk about at school was how much she's looking forward to ballet..."

"I can't wait to go!" Cassie squeaks, making me giggle at her happy, excited face.

"So you're not the only member of the family who prances around in tights, eh Ash?" George asks, making me roll my eyes.

"Ashley does NOT prance around in tights!" Cassie says, interrupting me before I can speak. "He is a great dancer and he wears leggings!" I give my little sister a quick hug as George laughs at her outburst, causing the tiny girl to frown.

"Yeah, if you say so," George says, chuckling all the way home.

Once we arrive home, I head immediately up to my bedroom with George, though I briefly pause to watch Bryony and Dorothy as they open their advent calendars, which are 'Frozen' and 'Peppa Pig' themed respectively. My advent calendar, however, is one my dad describes as 'extra-special'. Instead of chocolate, behind each door is a piece of Star Wars-themed Lego that I save and build into a special playset. My dad's said on multiple occasions that it's the sort of thing he'd have loved when he was young- he grew up watching and re-watching old films like Star Wars (and has even got tickets for the two of us to go and see the new film when it's released on the 17th). It tears me up inside knowing that I don't have the courage to tell him I'd much rather have a 'Frozen' advent calendar like Bryony and Cassie.

...Though, ironically, he may be inadvertently turning Dorothy into a Star Wars geek by virtue of the fact that I have to open my advent calendar away from the 2 year old girl so that she doesn't accidentally choke on any of the small pieces.

"Come on," I sigh as I close my bedroom door behind George. "Harris will skin us if we don't get this homework done..."

"Mate," George says in a much softer tone than he normally uses at school, "I know I give you a lot of stick for your dancing, but in reality I think it's actually pretty cool."

"What, really?" I snort.

"Seriously," George says. "You get to spend two hours each week staring at and feeling up girls in tight leotards. How ISN'T that cool?"

"Yeah, I guess," I laugh.

"And it's better than being a stupid footballer, anyway," George snorts.

"The football team gets girls too," I shrug, feigning interest.

"Yeah, the stupid ones," George laughs. "Your girlfriends are far too smart for a footballer, especially your actual girlfriend's sister..."

"Oh," I say, a sly grin creeping across my face. "Do you like Priya, by any chance?"

"She's fit, I guess," George shrugs.

"Oh, I am so telling her you said that," I laugh, making George snort and give me a shove.

"Stop being such a girl!" George sighs. "Bros before hoes, man. Only GIRLS gossip about friends behind their back." Thanks, George, I think to myself. As if I needed any further reminders of what I'm NOT...

Thankfully, the homework session only lasts a short while longer, as after an early dinner I head back up to my bedroom and change into the same black leggings and white t-shirt I was wearing last night.

"Ah, here comes Billy Wally-ott," George jokes, making me frown as I walk downstairs.

"Don't you dare tease him!" Cassie squeaks in the angriest voice she can manage, stunning George into silence before he sniggers as he sees what she's wearing- namely, the pink leotard and baby pink tights Cassie had obsessed over since breakfast.

"You like your uniform, Cassie?" I ask, hoping to distract the tiny girl from George's teasing.

"Yeah!" Cassie giggles, nodding and doing a (technically very poor) pirouette. "I love dancing!"

"You haven't even had your first lesson yet," dad chuckles as he takes Cassie's hand and leads her, George and myself out to his car.

"Well I know I'll love it anyway!" Cassie says with a broad grin. After we drop George off at his house, Cassie turns to me with a quizzical look on her face.

"Why ARE you friends with George?" The tiny girl asks. "Your girl friends are much nicer than him..."

"I have to have a friend in my year at school," I shrug.

"But why not have a girl as a friend?" Cassie asks.

"Ashley's a boy," dad says, silencing my sister and interrupting me before I can speak. "He has to have other boys as friends, especially best friends. With a boy, he can talk about football, TV... Girls his age talk about music and swap make-up and clothes tips, Ashley can't very well do that, can he?" If only you knew, father, if only you knew... I think to myself.

I have a wide, genuine grin on my face as we arrive at the dance studio, where Cassie grips my hand as we walk inside out of the cold winter air.

"Miss Fullerton?" I call to the tall, blonde woman, who immediately walks over to me with a wide smile on her face.

"Hi Ash!" The dance teacher says, before bobbing down to talk to my sister. "Hey there, are you Cassidy?" I smile as Cassie shyly nods, her earlier excitement completely replaced by nerves.

"She prefers 'Cassie'," I say.

"'Cassie' it is, then!" Miss Fullerton giggles. "Is this really your first lesson?"

"Yes," Cassie whispers.

"Really?" Miss Fullerton asks. "Because you LOOK like a talented ballerina already, just like your brother- well, like a girl version of your brother!" Even here... I self-pityingly think to myself.

"It's my first lesson," Cassie whispers.

"Well there's nothing to be afraid of," Miss Fullerton says, taking Cassie's hand after dad nods his consent. "You're not the only girl whose first class is today! We'll take it slow, I won't ask you to do anything you don't want to do, okay?"

"Okay," Cassie says, looking back at me and dad as she disappears into the vast hall.

"Keep an eye on her," dad says.

"Yeah, of course I will!" I laugh. "And you know Miss Fullerton, you can trust her, right?"

"Yeah, I suppose," dad sighs. "Have you got a book, some homework to be getting on with?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine," I say.

"Right," dad sighs. "I'll see you after your lesson, then!" I smile as dad leaves, before getting out my copy of 'Lord of the Flies', which we have to read for English class. I'm constantly distracted, however, by the sight of the twenty-something little girls dancing around the studio. Every time I see Cassie dance past in her little leotard, I'm reminded that I'm stuck wearing a very boyish t-shirt. How messed up am I that I'm envious of my five year old sister?

Eventually, Cassie and I swap places (she watches my lesson from the side of the studio, where Miss Fullerton and I can keep an eye on her) and the target of my envy changes from my little sister to the twenty girls of my age, who are all dressed in much tighter leotards than the one my sister's still wearing. Whilst I know all the girls, and even have some of them on my Facebook, I'm not particularly close to any of them, not like I am with Laura, Suriya and co- those six girls having already been 'promoted' to the advanced class and pointe shoes. I've been promised a place in the advanced class when I turn thirteen, but that's still five months away, and even then I won't be dancing en pointe like a proper ballerina. Miss Fullerton's said she's happy to give me the lessons if I want- and I do- but I'll have a hard time justifying the cost of the specialised pointe shoes to my parents.

Eventually, the lesson ends and Cassie and I head home with dad, both of us tired from the day's dancing. Cassie heads immediately to bed- after reluctantly taking off her ballet uniform- whilst I stay up a little longer to finish homework, before diving under my covers and wishing that I didn't have yet another day of school tomorrow.

Nevertheless, as much as I wish it wouldn't, my alarm clock goes off at its usual time and before too long, I'm sat in the front seat of mum's car wearing my shirt, tie and trousers, whilst Bryony and Cassie are sat in the back seat wearing their knee-length skirts, red cardigans and red tights.

"So, Cassie," I say with a grin. "Reckon you'll be a prima ballerina when you're older?"

"I dunno, I'd have to be good enough first," Cassie replies.

"Miss Fullerton seemed to think you were good enough," I say.

"She's only had one lesson," Bryony says, making mum and I chuckle.

"That doesn't mean she isn't good enough," mum says firmly. "And it definitely doesn't mean she won't be good enough. Same goes for you, Bryony."

"Yes, mum," Bryony says, remaining silent as we drop her and Cassie off at school before I'm dropped off at my school gates for the final time this week. I say hi to my six girl friends as usual (and have my arm tightly hugged by Suri, as usual), but before heading into the school building, I become aware of another familiar face following closely behind- that of George, who follows me to form after I say goodbye to the other six girls.

"God, your girlfriend won't let you go, will she?" George laughs as we sit down.

"She's just a little excited," I say. "It IS Friday..."

"Hey Ash," one of the other boys says in a sarcastic tone. "How was dancing last night?" I sigh and roll my eyes at the boy, who simply laughs even louder before turning back round to talk to his friends.

"Bit rich seeing as he spends his evenings playing FIFA and wanking into a sock," George snorts.

"I- I don't care what he thinks, mate," I say as our form tutor comes to start our lesson. Our school has a zero tolerance approach to bullying of every kind- an approach that became even stricter when Laura started the year before I did- but I'm still regularly teased and called names because of my 'hobbies' and my association with the girls. It's got slightly better since I also started hanging out with George, and I've never been physically bullies, but I know it's only a matter of time- and whilst Laura has special measures in place to severely punish anyone who physically bullies her, to the teachers I'm just another one of the boys, meaning that to the other boys in school, I'm fair game.

Fortunately, there's nothing the other kids can do whilst I'm sat with Laura and the other girls, which is where I immediately head at break time.

"Hey Ash!" Suri says, grabbing my arm and giving it a tight cuddle. "We missed you at rehearsals last night..."

"Yeah, it sucks that you can't come any more," Harriet sighs.

"I didn't have a part in the play anyway," I sigh. "And if I went, it'd mean that Cassie couldn't go to ballet- my parents can't be everywhere at once. Maybe next year."

"Or maybe Miss Fullerton can get off her arse and give you a spot in our class," Suriya says. "Then your dad can drop you off at rehearsals before taking Cassie to ballet, right?"

"Or my mum could give you a lift," Laura says.

"Honestly," I sigh. "I'll be fine..."

"Not until you get into a skirt on a daily basis, you won't," Laura sighs.

"Speaking of," Suri says, "I take it we're still okay to come round after OUR ballet tonight?"

"Of course!" I laugh. "Only thing all week I've actually looked forward to, heh."

"I'm sure you'd look forward to school more if you could attend as the REAL Ashley," Harriet says, making me smile sadly before the conversation turns to the usual topics of boyfriends, clothes and dancing. The conversation resumes at lunchtime, during which I again allow myself to become immersed in the discussion. Laura's often told me that during the early days of her transition, she treasured the moments when she was able to forget that she'd ever been a boy. I've longed for my own moment like that on many occasions, but I've never been able to achieve it- any time I feel myself sliding further into femininity- such as our lunchtime discussions- I'm always 'snapped back' by the reminder that I'm wearing trousers, that I have short hair... Or the reminder that I'm not, and will never truly be, a girl.

As always, I slide onto the passenger seat of dad's car just after 3pm with a heavy sigh, though my mood improves when Cassie and Bryony climb onto the back seat, both girls sporting smiles for the beginning of the weekend. After we arrive home, we eat dinner and fuss over Dorothy- our youngest sister (for now) - a bit, before a knock comes from our front door just after 7:30pm that puts a wide smile on my face.

"Hey Ash!" Suri squeaks, grabbing me in a tight hug before Laura follows suit and I'm forced to lead them into the front room with them still clinging to me- though the sight of my parents' disapproving stares soon forces them to release their hold on me.

"He-hello Mr. & Mrs. Moore," Laura says in a subdued voice.

"Hi girls," dad says, barely suppressing a sigh. "What time are your parents coming to pick you up?"

"My mum will be at about 8:30," Laura says.

"Well- you three have fun," dad says. "Try not to make too much noise, we've just put Dorothy to bed and Cassie will be going up in a couple of minutes."

"We won't," Suri says, before giggling as she takes my hand and leads me up to my bedroom, shutting the door behind the three of us. Laura and Suri are still dressed in their ballet gear of pink tights, black leotards and flimsy, translucent black skirts. Normally, the sight of them dressed like this would filly me with an almost painful envy, but not tonight- tonight, even if it's only for a brief period of time, I can finally be what- and who- I want to be.

The two girls smile as I remove my suitcase from my wardrobe and retrieve from it a pair of white cotton panties, a pair of silky pink tights and a light blue tank leotard. The girls briefly step out of the room as I quickly strip off my clothes and step into the panties, before stretching the tights over my legs and finally stepping into the leotard, giggling uncontrollably as it snugly clings to my body.

"Eeeeeee!" Suri squeaks as I allow her back into the room and she gives me a tight hug. "My best ballerina boyfriend buddy!"

"GIRLfriend," Laura says, giving me a giggly hug.

"Keep it down!" I whisper. "Don't need my parents to find out that I'm dressed like this..."

"Or maybe that's exactly what you DO need?" Laura asks, before sighing as I shake my head.

"Eventually, I promise," I say, before smiling as I straighten my tights.

"Does- does it still feel as, you know, as good?" Laura asks.

"Better than good," I say.

"Your mum's looking bigger," Suri says. "Do you know what gender the baby will be yet?"

"No," I say. "They've got a scan on Monday, they say they'll find out then. Cassie's desperate for yet another sister..."

"Even if the baby's a boy, you could always give her another sister," Laura says, making me moan with frustration.

"I'm sorry," I say. "But- but can we drop it for tonight, please?"

"Sorry, sorry," Laura sighs. "It just hurts to see you like this... I know better than anyone how much it must be hurting you right now..."

"Thanks," I say, gently squeezing Laura's hand.

"Anyway," Suri says, grabbing my hand away from Laura's, "I thought we were here to dance?"

"Right!" Laura giggles, taking her pointe shoes out of her dance bag and tying them to her feet. "Have you asked Miss Fullerton about your own pointe shoes yet, or am I supposed to 'drop' that as well?"

"No, I don't mind talking about that," I giggle. "She's given me exercises to do, the same she gave you girls... Just don't know how I'm meant to justify the cost of the shoes to my parents when obviously I won't be dancing in them..."

"Unless..." Laura says, before playfully 'zipping' her lips. "Sorry! Anyway, here's what you're missing out on!" I smile as the two girls perform pointe steps on my bedroom floor, taking extra care not to injure themselves like Nicole did a few weeks ago. After the girls have finished dancing, they sit down either side of me on their bed and strip off their shoes, showing me their bruised feet.

"It's not just broken ankles you have to worry about!" Suri says, pointing to a painful-looking blister next to her toenail. "Sure you still want to learn pointe?"

"More than anything," I sigh. "I also want to paint my toenails the same colour as yours..."

"Assuming that is black nail polish and her nails aren't just dying!" Laura giggles, making Suri give her a playful push.

"If Ash had more than one pillow we would SO be having a pillow sight right now!" Suri laughs, before leaning her head on my shoulder. I instinctively reach out my arm for her to cuddle in her normal manner, but much to my surprise, she simply pushes it away.

"Umm, something wrong with my arm tonight?" I ask, making Suri giggle sadly.

"Yeah," the tiny Indian girl says. "It's a GIRL's arm. I only like cuddling my boyfriend's arm, and you can't be my boyfriend, because you're not a boy!"

"You yourself said," Laura says with a smug voice. "Best part of being a boy is being a boyfriend. No boy, no boyfriend!"

"Though we love you as the girl you are just as much," Suri says. "Just not in THAT way, hehe!" Even though when I held Laura's hand, you couldn't snatch it away fast enough? I think to myself.

"So... You'll only be my girlfriend for as long as I'm a boy?" I ask.

"Oh, stop being so disappointed," Suri says. "You're twelve, I'm thirteen, it's not like we're serious anyway..."

"And it's not like being a girl can stop you from finding a girl," Laura says. "Just ask Nikki Thomas! Though you don't know what you're missing, kissing boys is REALLY fun..."

"And you WILL find another boy!" Suri says, giving the recently-single Laura a brief, tight hug. "One much better than that arsehole Phil!"

"Well let's face it," Laura laughs. "I couldn't do much WORSE than him, could I?" The three of us giggle girlishly as we gossip for the next 45 minutes, during which I desperately- but futilely- try to induce one of those 'moments' where I forget I'm a boy. Ultimately, though, I'm forced to eject the girls from my bedroom again as I change back into my boy clothes.

"What time will you be over tomorrow?" Laura asks as she fiddles with the strap of her bra underneath her leotard.

"About 10, 10:30 maybe," I say. "Got the dress I want to wear right here..." I hand Laura the long-sleeved garment I 'inherited' from Priya a couple of weeks back, only for her to push it back to me.

"No need," the blonde girl says with a smug smile. "I'm getting rid of some clothes I don't wear any more, you can wear some of them tomorrow!"

"You're really getting rid of clothes?" Suri asks with a giggle. "You!?"

"I know!" Laura laughs. "I've finally reached the point where I actually have so many girls' clothes that I'm getting rid of some... And you'll reach that stage too, Ash, I know you will."

"And then you'll be able to pass those clothes onto your sisters!" Suri giggles. "Much like that dress was SUPPOSED to be handed on to me..."

"Well you can't have it," I say, making Suri giggle. "You can, however, have this, now that I'm a boy again..." I hold out my left arm and wiggle my fingers, making Suri roll her eyes before giggling and wrapping the arm in a tight hug, a hug she maintains all the way down the stairs to the front door, where I wave the girls off.

"You seem to like those girls a lot more than you like George," dad muses as I sprawl out on the sofa.

"I do," I say. "I really, really do..."

"Umm, okay," dad says, clearly uncomfortable with my 'revelation'. "Ash...?"

"...Dad?" I ask.

"...Never mind," dad sighs. "You'd better start getting ready for bed yourself... Have you opened your advent calendar yet?"

"Not yet," I say, before sighing at dad's obvious hint.

"What have you got?" Dad asks as I peel open the cardboard door.

"Another little robot thing," I reply. Unlike my sisters, who had pictures of princesses...

"Cool," dad chuckles. "That complete set's going to be awesome when it's done! What time do you want to be up tomorrow?"

"Say around 8:30, 9-ish," I reply.

"Can do," dad laughs. "Now put that robot away in your room before Dorothy wraps her gums around it!"

"Can do," I say, echoing dad's words. "Dad..."

"...Ash?" Dad asks.

"The baby... What are you hoping for, you and mum?" I ask. "I mean, you find out in a couple of days..."

"We want a healthy, happy child," Dad replies. "Obviously, what with clothes, it'd be easier if the child was a girl. Unless you want to keep your old clothes in a cupboard for thirteen years for the baby to grow into them, heh."

"So by that token, it'd have been easier if I was a girl?" I ask, taking advantage of the rare opportunity to ask the question I've wanted to ask my whole life.

"Nah," dad chuckles. "You were here first. It'd have been easier if your sisters were all boys!"

"...Night, dad," I say as I slink upstairs and get ready for bed. I quickly fall into a deep sleep, despite the fact that I'm sleeping in a pair of boys' cotton pyjamas whilst all my friends are undoubtedly wearing nighties- even if they're plain cotton nightdresses, they'd still be a hundred thousand times better than what I'm wearing now...

"Wakey wakey!" Dad yells, drawing back my curtains and making me wince as the morning sun streams through my window. "You're not a teenager yet, you're not allowed to be tired in the morning until you hit thirteen. Now get up! You don't want to keep your harem waiting..." I force a smile on my face as I wash my face and change into the jeans and sweatshirt I'm forced to wear today, before slinking downstairs for breakfast with my sisters, all of whom are excited about also going to see friends today (even Dorothy, who mum is taking on a 'play date' to one of her friends).

"I can't wait to show my friends my dancing!" Cassie squeaks in her typical over-excited voice. "Bryony, are you going to dance for your friends?"

"No," Bryony retorts. "We have better things to do with our time..."

"Oh come on," I laugh. "Nothing's better than ballet, right Cassie?"

"Right!" Cassie giggles. "Ash, will your friends dance for you?"

"And if they do, it had better only be ballet that they dance!" Dad jokes.

"What else would they dance?" Cassie asks. "Do they also do tap dancing?" Dad and I both chuckle at Cassie's innocence, prompting me to give her a quick cuddle.

"Don't ever get older, Cassie," dad says with a sad smile on his face. "Come on, eat up, don't want to keep your friends waiting..." I smile as I finish my breakfast before getting in my dad's car, as it's not just my friends who will be waiting for me at Laura's house.

"Hey Ash!" Laura giggles, giving me a quick hug as I walk into her front room. In contrast to my slouchy boy clothes, she's dressed in a very cute long-sleeved pink top, a knee-length denim skirt and thick black tights. As with last night, normally this would make me boil over with envy, but for the same reason as last night, I'm feeling fine about the sight of my role model in her girly clothing.

"Mum!" Laura yells. "Ash is here."

"Hi Ashley!" Laura's mother yells.

"Hi Mrs. White," I reply. "Umm, thanks for letting me come over!"

"Oh, it's perfectly fine," Mrs. White responds. "God only knows the tantrum I'd have to deal with if I ever said 'no' to Laura..."

"Mum!" Laura snaps, clearly embarrassed by her parent. "Don't you have a friend to go and have lunch with?"

"Well- yes," Mrs. White responds. "But it's only 10 o'clock, you don't have lunch this early. Honestly, why do you want me gone so quickly? D- Don’t tell me you and Ashley..."

"Mu- mum!" Laura hisses, her embarrassment and frustration growing with every passing second. "No, me and Ashley aren't 'are'..."

"Then what is it?" Mrs. White asks, prompting Laura to look at me with expectant eyes. "Is it about tonight?" I look on in confusion as Laura scrunches up her face in a look of pure exasperation.

"Kind of, yeah," Laura says.

"What about tonight?" I ask.

"Oh, didn't the girls tell you about their sleepover?" Mrs. White asks.

"Sleepover?" I ask.

"Yes..." Laura grimaces. "For Priya's birthday... She's never had a real sleepover before, nor has Suri, and obviously I haven't, so tonight, we're... We're kinda all crashing at their house, you know, sleeping bags, makeovers, gossiping about boys..." I feign the disinterest expected of a boy, but it's clear from the look on Laura's face that she feels terrible about me being left out- almost as terrible as I feel.

"For obvious reasons, Mr. and Mrs. Malik wanted to keep the party 'girls only'," Mrs. White says. "As close as you are with the girls, Ashley, you ARE a boy, so obviously you couldn't attend."

"It's okay," I shrug.

"I, um, I'll get out of your way," Mrs. White says, obviously on the prompting of a glare from her daughter. "You two have fun!"

"We will," Laura says, waiting for her front door to shut before resting her head on my shoulder. "I'm so, so sorry Ash... We didn't want to keep you in the dark, but we knew how devastated you'd be..."

"I'm fine, honestly," I say.

"Honestly?" Laura asks.

"...No," I moan, prompting Laura to take my hand and lead me up to her room, where she has a selection of skirts and dresses laid out for me.

"Pick one," Laura commands, also handing me a pair of tights identical to the ones she's wearing. "And change into it now! Hopefully it'll make you feel a little better..." I smile as Laura leaves me alone in her room and I eagerly strip off my boy clothes, stepping into the tights before pulling on a (somewhat juvenile) long-sleeved short grey dress.

"I'm ready," I say, bringing Laura back into the room with a wide smile on her face.

"Better?" Laura asks.

"...It'd be better with some make-up," I say, making Laura giggle and hand me a mascara brush and eyeliner pencil.

"You know," Laura muses as I apply the make-up, "I know I keep harping on at you- in fact, everyone keeps harping on at you to tell your parents... But there was nothing stopping you from telling MY mum..."

"Other than the fact that she'd immediately go and tell my parents?" I say. "And then I'd never even so much as SEE a skirt again... And I'd definitely never get to see all you guy-girls again either..."

"Over-reacting a bit?" Laura giggles. "I don't want to keep harping on about Nikki Thomas either, but she told her best friend's parents before she told her own about who she really was..."

"...She was sixteen," I sigh. "I'm twelve."

"And I was eleven when I started living as a girl!" Laura retorts. "It doesn't matter how old you are, if you know, you just know!"

"Can- can I just enjoy today, please?" I ask, handing Laura back her cosmetics and shaking my short hair out into a cute feminine style.

"...Of course," Laura sighs. "Sorry, Ashley, it's just- it's just that you frustrate me at times, I think of you as a younger sister, and- Oh no, oh my god..."

"What?" I ask, panicking at Laura's sudden worry. "What is it?"

"Oh my god, I am so, so sorry," Laura says, before letting out a small giggle. "I'm turning into my brother and I didn't even realise!" I giggle along with Laura at her 'revelation'- I've only met her brother once, but from the stories Laura's told me, he can be quote 'forceful' and highly arrogant.

"Don't worry," I say, letting out a light giggle. "You're nothing like your brother. You've got WAY better legs, for starters!" I laugh as Laura lays back on her bed and playfully 'bicycles' her nylon-covered legs in the air, before grabbing my hand and leading me back downstairs. Less than fifteen minutes later, we're joined by the two sisters who'll be hosting tonight's sleepover- the youngest of whom makes a beeline for me and gives me a gentle, girlish hug.

"Hey, Ashley girl!" Suri squeaks. "You know, you make a much cuter girl than you do a boy!"

"You do," Priya says, before sighing at my sad expression. "Did- did you find out about-"

"It's okay," I sigh.

"No, it isn't!" The fifteen year old sighs as she crashes onto Laura's sofa. "I want ALL of my best friends with me for my sleepover..."

"Even if Ashley came out today, daddy wouldn't allow her to come over anyway," Suri says.

"Yeah, I guess," Priya sighs.

"And I don't want to, you know, ruin it by everyone worrying about me feeling miserable at being left out," I say, making Priya smile.

"Best boyfriend ever!" Suri giggles, giving me another quick hug. "Or you would be, if you were a boy!" I giggle as Suri tightens her hug, and soon the other three girls arrive to begin our day of girlish gossip. Just before lunch, however, Laura leaves the room to go up to her bedroom, and much to my surprise, asks me to go with her.

"Hands off Ashley!" Suri says as we leave, making the other four girls giggle.

"I've told you before," Laura snorts. "I'm not INTO girls!" Suri laughs as Laura and I head up to her room, where she collapses on her bed and lets out a long, frustrated sigh.

"...Nicole?" I ask the stricken girl.

"...Yeah," Laura moans. "I mean, I know Phil's an arsehole, but every time she mentions his name, I just want to stamp down on her damned plaster cast..."

"I did notice she had the name 'Charlotte' on the back, but there isn't anyone named Charlotte in her school," I say.

"Yeah, she wrote the C, the T and the E on herself," Laura chuckles. "Actually thanked me as it made her look like Charlotte Hutchinson had signed her cast, heh."

"How are you going to get through an entire sleepover with her?" I ask. "Why even invite her here today?"

"Ugh, I just want to work through this as fast as possible," Laura sighs. "At least she can't follow us upstairs, figure the same goes for Priya's house. And..." Laura smiles as she opens a drawer in her dresser and produces a small bottle of pills. "I've got medicine that makes it easier to forgive!"

"Is- is that your oestrogen?" I ask.

"Yep!" Laura says happily, popping a pill out of the bottle and playing with it. "I've already taken my dose for today, sometimes even looking at it makes me feel girlier... Do you want one?"

"One what?" I ask. "A pill?"

"Yeah," Laura says. "Just one isn't going to hurt you. And it'll help you feel better..."

"I- I shouldn't," I say.

"Oh come on," Laura pleads.

"If- if I take oestrogen, I want it to be my own," I say.

"Huh, fair enough," Laura says, putting the pill back in the bottle. "Now come on, the girls think you've come up here to change, so pick out another dress!" I smile as I change my grey dress for one of Laura's old stripy tops and a denim pinafore dress, much to the delight of Laura and the other girls, who coo happily as I 'model' it for them. I smile as I pose in the short dress, but I can't stop thinking about the pill Laura offered me... And how badly I wanted to take it.

Laura's spoken in detail about how different she feels even after just two weeks of taking oestrogen tablets, how much more confident she is now that she's on the path to being a 'real' girl. I would give literally anything for that same confidence, but even I know that taking medication that hasn't been prescribed to me is wrong... Even if it the only opportunity I'll ever get to put oestrogen into my body.

And the confidence I'd gain wouldn't even nearly make up for the guilt I'd feel for going behind my parents' backs to take the oestrogen. Even now, when I'm 'chemically' unchanged, I feel pangs of guilt every time I feel my nylon-covered legs rub against each other, or I feel the tingle of the make-up around my eyes. If my parents could see me now, if any of my friends' parents could see me now, they'd go ballistic. Especially dad- I AM his only boy, he's often said he's closer to me than he is to my sisters, and I simply can't take that away from him. However, as often as I wish that I'd been born a real girl... There are times when I wish I'd been born as a 'real' boy, free from these conflicted feelings. I wish I could just be like George and enjoy being a boy, and look down on Laura as being a weirdo for abandoning boyhood... But that's not who I am, nor is it ever who I'll be.

Just as soon as I'd changed into Laura's pinafore, I'm forced out of it by the return of Laura's mother, and when the middle-aged woman enters the living room, she sees me sat in the same jeans and sweatshirt I wore to the house, my face scrubbed clean of any and all make-up. Less than an hour later, my dad comes to pick me up and I reluctantly leave the other six girls to their sleepover, even as Suri and Laura each cling to one of my arms as I walk out to the car.

"Aww, I so wish you were coming tonight," Suri moans.

"So do I," I sigh.

"Before you go, Ash," Laura says, turning away from dad's car and whispering to me. "You remember what I said about telling one of our parents? You know... There is another option you might like. You know I've got a counsellor, Dr Williamson?"

"Yes?" I ask.

"I may..." Laura says with a grimace. "I may have told her about you in the past."

"You wh-" I snap, my heart beginning to race.

"Don't panic!" Laura hisses. "I didn't mention you by name, and she's bound by this professional ethic 'can't go behind people's backs' thing. But you should talk to her yourself... Talk to your GP, they're also bound by that ethic thing, THEN you can talk to Dr Williamson and take it from me: she CAN help you."

"...I'll think about it," I say as I jump into dad's car. "Have fun tonight!"

"We will!" Suri says, blowing kisses at me as we speed away.

"What's happening tonight?" Dad asks.

"Suri's sister's having a sleepover," I explain. "I really wish I was going..."

"I don't doubt it!" Dad laughs. "Ah, just wait, six years from now you'll be having quote-unquote sleepovers with girls every night of the week... Just thank god you'll be at uni then so I don't have to explain to your sisters what all the noise is!"

"Heh," I say, sighing as we quickly return home where Cassie immediately collars me and tells me about her day, which provides a nice relief from my self-pity until I head to bed just after 9pm. I'm only in bed a few minutes, however, before my tablet computer repeatedly wakes me with new message notifications. Upon checking the tablet, I find I have four missed Skype calls- all from Suri.

"Umm, okay..." I whisper as I lower the volume on my tablet and call Suri back- and it's a good job I lowered the volume too, as when the call is answered, the screen is filled with all six of my friends, all of whom yell 'Ashley!' when they see my face.

"What's happening?" I ask, a grin creeping across my face at the sight of the girls.

"Well," Suri explains, "despite what you said, we still felt really bad about leaving you out of the sleepover, so Megan came up with the idea of a 'Skypeover'!"

"A- a 'Skypeover'?" I ask.

"Yeah," Megan says. "It's like a sleepover, only instead of being here in person, you get to join in by Skype!"

"I know it's not perfect," Laura says, "but-"

"No, it IS perfect," I giggle, huddling under my bed sheets with my tablet in hand. For the next three hours, I watch enthralled as the girls give each other makeovers, plait their hair, model their (very modest) night dresses for me and dance around Priya's bedroom before getting into their sleeping bags just after midnight and ending the Skype call. As amazing as the gesture was to include me by Skype, when the call ends, it only serves to remind me of how isolated I truly am, a feeling that persists into Sunday as I finish off my homework by myself, before helping Bryony with hers.

"What year are you in now, Year 5?" I ask the 9 year old girl as she fills in her arithmetic workbook.

"Yeah," Bryony replies. "So you'll be in Year 10 when I go to your school."

"That'll be cool," I say. "My friends will all be in Year 11, so you'll be able to hang out with us, they can be like older sisters to you, guide you through the school..."

"Why can't my older brother do that?" Bryony asks.

"Well, obviously I CAN," I say, "but wouldn't you rather have, you know, a girl to help you settle in?"

"What difference does it make?" Bryony asks. "I know you. I DON'T know your friends."

"You could always get to know them," I feebly retort. "Don't- don't you sometimes wish you had an older sister, you know, someone who can be for you like you are to Cassie and Dorothy?"

"Not really," Bryony says. "Besides, you're more of a big sister to Cassie than I am!" You don't know how right you are... I think to myself. Mere minutes later, Cassie plops herself down on the sofa next to Bryony and stares intently at the nine year old girl as she finishes her homework.

"Are you excited?" Cassie asks.

"About what?" Bryony retorts.

"About the baby!" Cassie squeaks. "We find out tomorrow if it's a boy or a girl! I hope it's a girl, I want another sister!" Yeah, I want you to have another sister as well, Cassie... I think to myself.

"I'm not going to sleep tonight, I'm so excited!" Cassie squeaks. "First ballet, now the baby, this is the best week ever!" I smile as Cassie dances a few ballet steps for me and Bryony, before dad comes in and sits the fidgeting young girl in his lap in a futile effort to calm her down. Even as she heads to bed, though, she's still excited about the 'big reveal' tomorrow, a stark contrast to my own tiredness and misery. Obviously, I want the baby to be a boy, if only because it'll mean I'll no longer be the only boy and I won't have the same pressure on me... At least, I hope I won't. If the baby is yet ANOTHER girl, though...

I force a smile on my face as I wake up on Monday morning and pull on my uniform, musing as always on how wrong my trousers feel when compared to the clingy, comfortable feeling of a pair of thick school tights, like the red tights covering my sisters' legs and the grey and black tights covering the legs of my friends as they greet me at the school gate, Suri (as always) cuddling my arm like a security blanket, though I can't help but feel that her cuddle seems somehow 'less' than normal.

"Suri..." I say as we head into the school building. "Are you okay? Was the sleepover fun?"

"Oh, it was fun," Suri says, before leading me away from the group to talk in private. "It's just... Ash, do- do you like Laura? I mean, you know, do you, you know, 'like' Laura?"

"I- I don't know what you mean," I mumble.

"Oh, don't be stupid, yes you know what I mean!" Suri sighs, letting go of my arm. "It's just, you seem to spend a lot more time with her, especially now that she's single... Ash, would you rather be her boyfriend? I mean, I'd understand if you did, like I said, we're not really 'serious'..."

"Laura..." I whisper, "She- she doesn't see me as a boy. Ever. Even when I'm dressed like this... I don't think SHE'd be interested in me, heh. And besides..." I look over Suri's shoulder and catch a glimpse of George staring at me with a knowing smirk on his face. God only know what his reaction would be if I dumped Suri- clever, cute and popular- in favour of Laura, who whilst popular, will always have her 'stigma' hanging over her.

"Besides... What?" Suri asks.

"I've got to get to form," I sigh. "See you at break?"

"Sure!" Suri giggles. "But don't forget it's dance club at lunch, so you won't get to 'like' either me or Laura today!"

"I won't forget," I laugh as I meet up with George.

"Mate, I know every Monday I say this, but well done!" George laughs as we head to form. I force out a laugh, and I have to acknowledge that George isn't wrong- I'm extremely lucky, especially at my age, to have a girlfriend as cool as Suri- almost to the point where being a boy actually seems appealing. Almost... But not quite.

I hang out with the girls at break, but at lunch, with Laura and Suri absent at their dance club, I opt to sit with George instead, listening to his tales of what he did over the weekend, which girls he thinks are 'fit' and which aren't... All the while, my eyes are drawn to my usual lunch table, where Priya, Nicole, Megan and Harriet are sat eating as usual. With every word George says, I yearn more and more to be sat with the girls, where I truly belong... But I also wish that I didn't truly belong with them.

As we head to our final class of the day, George says one more sentence that further convinces me that my true place is with the girls.

"You're finding out today whether you're getting a brother or a sister, aren't you?" George asks, chuckling as I nod. "Definitely let me know, mate. If it's a boy, I'll make sure you don't ruin him with your ballet and girly shit the way you were!" Screw you, George, I think to myself as I sit down next to the large boy and get out my books ready for the class ahead.

Unsurprisingly, when dad arrives to pick me up after the end of the school day, he has a wide smile on his face, an infectious smile that soon creeps over my face as well.

"...Well?" I ask.

"'Well' what?" Dad asks.

"'Well', am I getting a brother or a sister?" I ask.

"Yes," dad replies with a smug grin.

"Oh- come on..." I moan.

"You know how this works," dad says, his smugness increasing. "You find out when your sisters find out, it was the same when Cassie and Dorothy were born, and it'll be the same for E- I've said too much already..."

"What, that the kid's name will begin with an 'E' and end with a 'Y'?" I ask. "I think even Dorothy's figured that one out already..." I sigh as dad laughs out loud, his laughter increasing as Bryony and Cassie climb onto the back seat of the car with wide, excited grins on both their faces.

"Brother or sister?" Cassie squeaks. "Brother or sister?" yeah, Cassie, that is indeed the question...

"You'll find out when we get home," dad says. "I can't tell you three without telling Dorothy, can I?"

"She's two," Bryony retorts. "She barely knows what's going on anyway..."

"She's almost three," dad says. "And you can remember when we told you that Cassie was going to be a girl, can't you?"

"...Yes," Bryony sighs.

"And no, he hasn't told me either," I say to my sisters, making them moan with frustration, though all three of us eagerly bound through the front door the second we return home and sit down next to our (current) youngest sister on the sofa, staring at our pregnant mother with expectant eyes.

"Ashley," mum says in a torturously slow voice. "Bryony... Cassidy... Dorothy..."

"You're enjoying this too much," I say, making our mother laugh.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," mum says, before pointing at her swollen belly. "Say hello to your new..." I hold my breath as mum pauses for dramatic effect. In truth, as much as I'd love a baby brother, a bay sister wouldn't be too bad- I love all three of my sisters, and I'd certainly love a fourth just as much. I just wish I knew for certain whether or not Bryony, Cassie and Dorothy would love having four sisters as much as I would...

"...Brother," mum says, making my jaw drop.

"A- a boy?" I ask.

"Yes!" Mum giggles. "You're not going to be the only boy anymore, Ashley!"

"A boy?" I ask again, my jaw still hanging loose.

"I knew you'd be excited!" Dad says, giving me a tight, manly hug. "Finally, a little brother to boss around, to coach through life, to pass down all your boyish knowledge to... As long as none of your dancing and acting is in that 'wisdom', though!" Way to put a damper on it, dad... I think, but even that can't wipe the smile off my face. Mum and dad are going to have another boy, another son... Someone who can carry on the family name, someone with whom dad can do all the father/son things he inflicts on me, fishing trips, days out to see QPR play... I can't help but feel that today, I'm a step closer to being the girl I always wanted to be. It's going to take a lot more courage on my part, and the help of all my friends- and the counsellor Laura recommended- but maybe, just maybe, I'll get that magical say soon where I can wake up, look at myself in the mirror and say 'yes, my name is Ashley, and I am a girl'.

The following morning, however, I wake up to find a damp, sticky patch on the front of my pyjama bottoms, causing me a moment of panic, followed by a much longer feeling of utter despair. My one step closer to being the girl I always wanted to be has just turned into a hundred steps further away...