CHAPTER 38 -- The Visit

Dr. Gordon was finally back from her vacation. I went in and talked about what Doris had said about Dennis. I was kind of mad at her for making me feel so guilty. She said she hadn't been trying to make me feel guilty and she didn't think I'd done anything wrong, either. It was just that I shouldn't be too surprised that sex was more than most kids my age could handle. I told her about Doris and how nice she was, but I didn't tell her about how Doris masturbated me. (I still don't like that word.)

She also said that things were going so well that I didn't need to come twice a week. From now on, I would just see her on Tuesdays. I wasn't sure I liked it, but I also seemed to be getting mad at her a lot, so maybe it was for the best.

That was the week that Teresa got her learner's permit. I talked to my aunt and uncle about me getting one, but they said they'd need to find out what was involved, my sex-change might make it complicated. We might have to get a lawyer and get all my official records changed to list me as 'female.' I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

I talked to Doris practically every day, though not for very long. We both had lots of schoolwork, plus she was starting to apply to colleges. She didn't think I could spend the night every weekend, because her parents or my aunt and uncle might think something was up. Maybe they would have been okay with it, but neither of us wanted to find out. Besides, she wanted some time with her other friends and she thought I should hang out with my other friends, too. She was a little like she was my mom, being so sensible. I did get her to agree to come over Sunday afternoon.

Teresa didn't ask me what I was doing with Doris, and I didn't tell her everything, but I'm sure she guessed. She'd say how nice it was that I had a new friend and give me a knowing smile. Meanwhile, almost every night I'd remember everything about my sleepover with Doris.

Doris came over a little after lunch on Sunday. Teresa and I were still dressed from church, and I noticed that Doris was also more dressed up than usual. Somehow she'd figured out that we'd all be dressed up and wanted to make a good impression. It's funny, but I was more nervous about Doris coming than I was about Dennis the first time. Anyway, she made polite conversation with my aunt and uncle when she got there, and then the three of us went upstairs to hang out in our room. We sat on the floor and talked. Doris spent more time talking to Teresa than me, and at first I was miffed -- wasn't she my friend? Then I figured out that she was trying to make a good impression on Teresa, just like she'd tried to make a good impression on Aunt Edith and Uncle Boris. Since I wasn't saying much, I had time to think, and I thought: she's really smart. This way, they'll want her over here and they'll be happy that I'm spending time with her. Especially since Teresa kind of knows what we're doing together, it's smart to get on her good side.

I noticed they'd started talking about political stuff like racism and feminism. I hadn't thought about what Teresa believed, it had just never come up, but it sounded like Teresa wasn't anywhere near as radical as Doris. I was afraid they'd start arguing, but whenever they got to a real disagreement, one of them would back off. I guess I'm not very smart, because I couldn't get all that interested in it. I lay down on my stomach sort of between them and listened to the sound of their voices and ignored the words. It was nice that way. Just listening to two people who really mattered to me. I was thinking of nothing in particular when I realized that someone was stroking my back. I made contented noises, and then I noticed that they were both kind of stroking me, sort of like how you pet a cat. It kind of blew me away, but I didn't want it to stop, either. I started making purring noises, and I heard someone laugh. Then Doris said, "I didn't know you had a pet cat," and Teresa said, "I didn't know, either." I kind of went, "mrow?" Doris started laughing and stopped petting me, so I got up on my hands and knees and rubbed my head against her, the way cats do. Then I rubbed my head against Teresa and said "mrow" again.

Uncle Boris shouted up the stairs that it was a nice day and we should take advantage of it, so we got our shoes on and went for a walk in the nature preserve. It was fun. There were places where it was wide enough for us all three to walk side by side, and then we'd hold hands. One time, we started singing "we're off to see the Wizard" and swinging our arms and laughing. So when the path got narrow, so we had to walk single file, we each held onto the person in front of us and started saying "lions! and tigers! and bears! Oh, my!" It's a good thing no one from the psych ward at the hospital saw us, or they'd have locked us up for sure.

When we got back, my aunt and uncle invited Doris to dinner. Doris was kind of careful at first, but Teresa and I just kept looking at each other and smiling and cracking up, and I mouthed "lions" and "tigers" and I'd crack up before I could get to "bears." Aunt Edith and Uncle Boris looked at us like we were crazy and then looked at Doris.

Doris rolled her eyes. "When we were in the park, they got into singing 'we're off to see the Wizard,' and then the lions and tigers and bears thing --"

"You did it, too!" I interrupted.

"Quiet. I'm trying to act mature. I'm going off to college next year, so I've got to get in practice."

Teresa was facing her, so she started mouthing "lions" and so on until Doris couldn't keep a straight face. Meanwhile, my aunt and uncle were smiling and not looking like they thought we were crazy any more. Or at least, not crazy in a bad way. "It does my heart good to see you children having so much fun together," said my aunt. It looked like Doris's visit was a success.

CHAPTER 39 -- Sleepovers

I'd gotten to the point that I wanted to spend every minute of every day with Doris. Teresa said I was "smitten" with her. But Doris didn't want to. She said she liked me a lot, and did want to spend time together, but she needed her own life and thought I needed one, too. It was like Chinese water torture.

Meanwhile, I'd gone back to doing math tutoring and singing in the chorus. Sylvia still needed help, but she mostly needed me to help her calm down when she got anxious. She could do the work when she wasn't anxious. I got to know some of the other girls better, now that Sylvia wasn't taking all of my time. There were even a few boys that came over for help now. One or two of them I didn't think really needed my help. I wondered if they were doing it just so they could spend time with me. It took me a while to think that, and when I did, it blew me away. I'd never been popular before, and I couldn't imagine why people would want to be with me so much they'd pretend to be dumb.

I got paddled again. Just like before, I was having trouble remembering not to use curse words. But this time I wasn't so scared or shocked. It was just like, oh fudge, here we go again. It still hurt and I was still upset about it. I talked it over with Doris that evening.

"I don't blame you for being upset," she said. "It is pretty obnoxious. I usually get paddled several times a year, and I never really get used to it. But I tell myself, at least you know the score. Being paddled helps me remember that there's a power structure here, and they can do what they want with us and we can't stop them, and if we want to have any say about what happens to us, we're going to have to be smart and organized and figure out how to game the system."

I wasn't sure it made me feel any better, but at least she was willing to listen. She's going to make a good activist someday, I thought.

The next weekend, the youth group was having a camping trip. We all brought sleeping bags and spare clothes and the church supplied tents and food. We left Saturday morning and got dropped off at the trailhead which was a few miles from the campsite. So we had to carry all the stuff to the campsite We complained the whole way, even though it wasn't really that bad. We set up our tents and then walked around looking for toads and salamanders until lunch time. I had to learn how to pee in the woods as a girl. I was still wearing skirts, so it was kind of neat to just wander off, lift the skirt a little and then just pee. For supper we roasted hot dogs on sticks and cooked potatos in the coals. And of course we roasted marshmallows for desert. Yes, Eric was there, too, but we acted like we didn't see each other, and it didn't bother me.

I was sharing a tent with two other girls who I didn't know very well. It turned out they had lots of friends, and they all decided to hang out in our tent. They started out talking about boys they had crushes on who I didn't know. Finally, one of them moaned, "sometimes I feel so horny I could just die!"

Everybody laughed sort of nervously, and then they got quiet. Another girl said, really quietly, "I know what you mean. We try to look pretty, but what is it for? Nobody talks about that. I mean, isn't it so some boy will want us and want to do, you know, stuff that makes us happy? Like kissing and holding and, well, you know. I used to think girls who got married right out of high school were crazy, but now I kind of get where they're coming from. Not that I'm planning to, myself."

I probably should have kept my mouth shut, but I couldn't help asking, "there are boys, you know. Couldn't they, uh, help you out?"

I heard people making disgusted noises. "Have you tried talking to them? They're nice enough if you keep telling them that you don't want to be their girlfriend -- and if the pastor is watching. But if a girl lets one of them sleep with her, or even lets him get to second base, it's all over town the next day, what a 'slut' she is. Or they think they own you." Someone else said, "they're like Eric was to you, only in a different way. I wish we could 're-educate' them all."

It was dark and we hadn't bothered with flashlights. It was getting cold, too, but nobody wanted to leave, because it was warmer in the tent with all the people. I had alread gotten into my sleeping bag because the skirt and socks weren't all that warm. Somebody fetched some more eleeping bags, and we decided to double up in the bags and kind of pile together to stay warm. I ended up sharing my bag with a girl I didn't know who was feeling pretty cold by then. I was afraid it would be weird, but it was just cozy. Especially the part where I was warming her up. I wondered what the boys were doing. The boys' tents were on the other side of the fire, so we couldn't hear. I'll bet they weren't snuggling up together to stay warm, though.

Doris finally agreed to have me stay over the next Saturday. Teresa and I went over to Sylvia's, and the usual gang was there. We talked about what we were planning to do after we graduated. I was trying to act like we were just friends hanging out, but finally I leaned over to Doris and asked her if I could put my arm around her or something. I thought everyone would be too busy talking to notice, but just when I started talking, everyone was between sentences and they all heard.

"Hey, Dor, I see you have a new admirer," said Sylvia. I felt horribly embarrassed and tried to slink away, but Doris put her arm around me and pulled me over to her and said something like, "only the best!" I buried my face in her side.

Sylvia said, "Melanie, we're not making fun of you. We think it's great that you and Doris are together. We just like giving Doris a hard time."

Teresa added, "you can come out now." So I unburied my head and tried to act normal. And everyone seemed to be trying to be extra nice to me.

I didn't say much after that. Mostly, I was just enjoying watching and listening and feeling Doris's body next to mine and her arm around my shoulder. Teresa got in a long conversation with Jeff. It looked like they were hitting it off. It made me happy because I thought Teresa was a little sad that she hadn't had a boyfriend yet. I don't think Dennis really counted.

Sylvia's parents ordered us pizza and then took us to see a movie. Afterwards, we all went home, except me, I went to Doris's.

It still wasn't bedtime when we got there. Her family has this thing where before they go to bed, they sit in the living room and each have a little glass of wine and maybe say something about the day or maybe just relax. They had the windows open so you could hear the crickets and the birds and the wind in the leaves. I said I'd never drunk wine, so they gave me some sparkling cider instead. Even though it didn't have any alcohol, I felt sort of sleepy, maybe because the lights were low. They got me to talk about West High and switching to Gabriel. I wasn't going to tell them about having been a boy, but it kind of came up anyway, because it was hard to tell the story without it. Her mother said she'd heard something about it on the news. "Was that you?" She asked. They sounded very sympathetic.

Doris and I went up to her room and went to bed. We kind of lay next to each other, looking at each other and kind of feeling each other.

"Doris?" I said.

"What?"

"Am I too, you know, clingy?" I felt embarrassed to say it.

"What do you mean, 'too clingy'?"

"I'm afraid I'll make you not like me because I'm always wanting to be with you." And to make love to you, I thought. But I wasn't going to say it. "Your friends were making fun of you because I wanted to snuggle with you while they were there. DPDA."

"It's fine. It's kind of cute, actually. I kind of like it. It's nice to feel wanted. By the way, what you were doing wasn't 'DPDA,' you weren't, like feeling me up, or even kissing me while everyone was around. I've had guys do that. No, you were just right."

She leaned over and gave me a kiss. "Do you mind if I call you Martin?" she whispered.

"No, but--why?"

"I don't know. Maybe the idea that you used to be a boy. And maybe still have some boy in you. It makes you interesting." She was saying this in a sort of flirtatious way. Maybe turned on. She kissed me again, a long kiss, and started caressing my breast.

"Do you feel like having me do nice things to you this time?" I said. "You know, mas-tur-bate." I still had trouble saying the word.

She started laughing, but not as bad as last time. Then she said, "you're so cute" and grabbed my nose between her knuckles. Then she put her arms around me and hugged me and rolled me back and forth, saying "Martin. Melanie. Melanie-Martin." When she was done, we were lying side by side on our backs. Then she got sort of serious. "Sure. I'd love to have you 'do nice things' to me."

I turned to her and started kissing her face and shoulder. She slipped off her nightshirt and let me play with her breast. She had to show me how to do it so it felt good for her, because it was a little different from what I liked. After a while, she took my hand and put it down on her lower belly and had me tickle her for a while. I was giving her little kisses the whole time. She had to show me when and how to stroke her labia and her clitoris. I felt kind of stupid. When she was about to come, she had me hold her very tight with my arms and hold one of her legs with mine as she thrashed and strained, but it was all very controlled and quiet. When she came, she got real stiff and sort of whimpered. Afterwards, she lay there and breathed hard. When she'd caught her breath she pulled me to her and kissed my head and shoulders all over.

When she'd settled down, I said, "I'm sorry I wasn't very good at it. I guess I'm not really like a real girl yet, since you have to show me everything."

"No, 'real girls' don't always know what other girls like exactly without being shown. There's always some awkwardness the first few times. You're doing fine."

"But you did so well on me the first time."

"I've had more practice. Also -- now don't take it the wrong way -- but you're a lot simpler than a lot of girls. I do a few motions and bang! you're hot to trot."

"Well, the doctor did say 'an approximation of female sexuality,'" I said, sort of embarrassed. "I guess they figured, Keep It Simple, See."

"Don't put yourself down. You're just right." Then sort of dreamily, she chanted, "Melanie-Martin, Martin-Melanie,...." She kept chanting it as she put her arms around me and started kissing me. When she was done 'doing nice things' to me, we snuggled. Doris went right to sleep, but I lay awake a while thinking. The sex was fun and hit the spot, but it was the snuggling and lying next to Doris and feeling her body that really felt good. It was like there was a hunger or a need that I didn't know I had, but suddenly it was filled. I wondered if I might have felt the same way with Dennis, if we'd ever had the chance to spend the night together.