CHAPTER 34 -- In the Woods

My aunt and uncle rented a cabin for two weeks each year up in the woods, on a small lake, and they took me with them this year. We packed up and left the day after the finals.

The cabin was a little one-story house with a kitchen, living and dining room, and two bedrooms. Teresa and I shared the room with two twin beds. The cabin came with a canoe and a dock. There was a kind of village on the opposite side of the lake, with a general store and a pizza place and such. So if any of us wanted to get some pizza or shop or just hang out, we'd paddle over in the canoe. There were other cabins like ours, but there were trees between us so we didn't see them.

Teresa kept me busy during the day. She insisted that her mom shouldn't have to cook because it was vacation, so Teresa and I would trade off cooking and washing up. The cabin came with some bamboo fishing poles, so we'd go dig up worms and fish off the dock. Some days we caught nothing, but other days we'd catch enough for dinner for everyone. Or we'd swim in the lake, or canoe over to town and hang out and buy ice cream cones at the general store.

But in the evening, I'd feel a big hole inside me. I'd lie in bed and keep remembering how it felt to have Dennis inside me or fondling my breasts and it would hit me that I'd probably never do any of that with him again, and my body would ache with wanting him. Other times, I would remember listening to him and him listening to my ravings about feeling like a freak and talking me out of it. I'd realize I'd probably never get to talk to him or listen to him like that again, and it would feel like a punch in the stomach. I'd start crying and feeling like I lost the only friend I ever had. I thought I'd never stop crying and hurting. Sometimes Teresa would come over and lie next to me and put her arm around me. It didn't make it hurt less, but it made me feel less lonely.

There were other kids of all ages who'd come into the village. We met two boys, Ned and Robert, who lived in some of the cabins on the other lake, the one on the other side of the village. They lived in the city where the state university is, which is maybe 200 miles from us. Anyway, we were sitting on a cinderblock wall outside the general store eating ice cream cones and talking and, after a while, the boys and Teresa started kind of flirting, just as something to do. I just slumped down and concentrated on my ice cream. Robert was nearest me, and he said to me, "hey, what's with the frown? It's a nice day, you've got ice cream and two boys who'd love to give you some male attention."

"No thanks," I said. "I don't need any 'male attention.'" I went back to making sure that every drop of ice cream went into my mouth and not onto the ground.

"What's with her?" he asked Teresa.

"Her boyfriend broke up with her just before we came up here."

"He was not my 'boyfriend'," I complained. "He was just a friend."

"You could have fooled us. You guys walked together, talked together, you were over at his place practically every day, if he wasn't over at ours. And --" I glared at her, daring her to say what she knew. "Well, you sure acted like boyfriend and girlfriend. Whatever he was, he stopped being it two weeks ago."

"Just give me some space, will ya?" I grumbled.

The breakup was a good excuse not to flirt back, but another reason was that I was a little weirded out by the idea of me flirting with a boy. I wasn't any good flirting with girls back when I was a boy, and besides, I still felt funny about acting like I was attracted to boys or with boys being attracted to me. I guess I was still thinking like a boy. The thing with Dennis had been different. There wasn't any of that romantic stuff. We were just friends who trusted each other and, well, liked giving each other pleasure.

Ned was speaking to me. "What?" I said.

"I was saying, we have a boat over on our lake and would you like to go out for a cruise? Your cousin wants to come, but she won't come without you. You can come with or without frown." I couldn't help smiling at that "with or without frown" business.

"Okay," I said. I'd finished my ice cream, anyway.

Their boat was basically like a large rowboat with an outboard motor. We all got lifejackets on and Ned started us up while Robert cast off. This lake was a lot bigger than ours, and there were lots of boats on it: little one-person sailboats, canoes, kayaks, other motorboats, even a windsurfer. He drove us around and pointed out the cabins and boathouses. They'd been coming for years and knew a lot of people.

There was a strong breeze on my face, so I shut my eyes and just felt the sun on my back and the wind blowing my hair around. Robert was sitting next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. I wasn't sure at first if I liked it or not, but then I decided I did. It was sort of comforting. My sun dress was sweaty and my legs were bare, so what with the wind, I was getting chilly, so I sort of snuggled up against him. It didn't feel gay, just friendly.

After that, we hung out together pretty much every day. Sometimes they'd come over and swim in our lake, or we'd swim at the beach on their lake. I didn't talk about all the stuff that had gone on since last September, so I didn't say much about myself. They boys seemed to accept that I didn't flirt or act all girly around them. One time we were all sitting on the dock and Teresa was sitting in on Ned's lap kind of snuggling and kissing, and Robert asked if I'd like to sit on his lap. "You don't have to kiss or anything if you don't want to." So I sat across his lap and he held me and stroked my back. Sometimes he'd kiss my cheek or my forehead. I didn't mind. It felt good and kind of restful.

"You don't mind me kissing you, do you?" he asked.

"No, it's okay. What you're doing is nice. I like it. Especially since I don't have to do anything. I've had a tough year, and it's nice to sit next to someone and feel good and not have to do anything. Or think about anything."

"What happened?"

"It's more like, what didn't? Anyway, I don't want to think about it. The best part of vacation is not being reminded of it." I was getting upset just remembering that there was a past year. "Can you just hold me and talk about your life and stroke all the bad stuff away?"

So he held me against his chest and stroked my head and back and arm and told me about his friends and being in the school band and the drama club and going to see rock bands when they performed at the university. I dozed off, lying in his arms and listening to the sound of his voice.

A little while later, Teresa shook me awake. "Time to go home and make dinner." I realized I was lying down on the dock and Robert was lying next to me and his jacket was laid on top of me.

"You looked so peaceful, I didn't want to wake you," he said. We said goodbye, and Teresa and I paddled home.

The next day was the last day before we had to go home. We swam across the lake and met the boys at the village dock, and we all swam back to our cabin and had lunch. It turned out Uncle Boris knew Ned's parents from the university, but he hadn't met Ned. In the afternoon, we lay on the grass near the lake and enjoyed the sun. Robert and I lay next to each other and after a while we held each other and started stroking each other's sides and kissing in a lazy way, like it was just something happening to us. It felt good and was relaxing, having his body pressed up against mine and him stroking my back and my head and playing with my hair. I thought, I wish I could just stay like this forever.