Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you. Honey Bunny Chapter 21 by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson All Rights Reserved.

As soon we’d finished helping to organise the disembarkation of those passengers due to leave the cruise, Carol and I cadged a lift on the shuttle provided by the company as far as the Piazzale Roma. There we caught an airport bus which was scheduled to arrive half an hour before our mothers’ plane was due to land. We then made our way to the arrivals hall and checked the indicator boards for details of their flight. Eventually it announced the landing of the flight from Gatwick.

‘Ah well, my goose is now cooked, I’m up shit creek without a paddle,’ I thought to myself, making a mental note to discuss these idioms with Maria when next we had a lesson together.

Carol could see from the expression on my face just how nervous I was feeling about the impending meeting with my mother, but, like me, she realised that it was now too late to do anything to avoid it.

‘The airport is fairly busy this morning so I guess it is going to take at least forty five minutes to an hour for them to clear immigration, collect their luggage and pass through customs. Why don’t we have a coffee whilst we are waiting?’ she asked.

‘Yes please, I could do with something to take my mind off things,’ I replied.

I was only a light social drinker but at that moment felt that I could really do with something a little bit stronger than coffee, even though it didn’t particularly like the taste of spirits. But, on the other hand, the last thing I wanted was to be smelling of booze with a be-fuddled head when I met Mum.

‘A coffee will be fine, thanks.’

We made our way to a free table and Carol went to purchase the drinks.

‘Mum has promised to send me a text when they’ve collected their cases and are proceeding through customs,’ Carol said when she returned. ‘As soon as that’s been received, I suggest that you make your way over to the information desk and ask them to page your mother. After that, I’m afraid you’ll be on your own and it will be up to you to handle the situation. Once that message has been broadcast I’ll go over to join my mother and stay with her until we get a message from you that all’s well.’

‘And if all isn’t well? If my mother has a hissy fit or falls down in a dead faint?’ I asked.

‘I’m afraid we’ll just have to play things by ear. But her options will be limited: she can’t get back on a plane and return to the UK - at least not today. Mum and I will be watching from a distance and will come over and offer assistance if required.’

I sighed.

‘I take it that you’ve got the correct SIM card in your phone?’ I asked.

‘Yes, I checked this morning,’ she replied.

‘And you’re sure that I look alright?’

She smiled.

‘Ally, you look great. You always do these days. So please don’t worry.’

But I couldn’t stop myself from worrying.

Carol was spot on with her estimate and fifty minutes after landing the expected text message came through, containing just two words – ‘coming soon!’

‘Off you go then, Ally, and good luck.’

I gave a weak smile by way of acknowledgment and followed her instructions to the letter. I went to the enquiry office and explained that I couldn’t find my mother and listened as the message went out over the public address, requesting that Mrs Lydia Fletcher, a passenger recently arrived from Gatwick, should make her way to the information desk in the arrivals hall where there is a message for her.

I eventually caught sight of my mother, looking slightly anxious as she made her way towards the desk. I had not seen her in several weeks and our relations had been strained before I left, but now I was anxious to see her – if only she felt the same way about me – the new me - that is. She must have seen me standing next to the information desk but clearly did not recognise me. I therefore stepped forward to head her off before she had a chance to speak one of the assistants.

‘Hello Mum,’ I said, doing my best to find Alex’s voice once again, although I hadn’t used it for some weeks.

My mother turned to look at me when she heard my voice, but assumed she’d made a mistake, and looked as if she was about to continue walking towards the information desk.

‘Mum, it’s me,’ I said continuing to speak in Alex’s voice, although I couldn’t bring myself to add his name or the descriptor ‘your son’ to my sentence.

She turned again to look at me.

‘Alex?’ she asked in a voice that conveyed something between uncertainty and disbelief. ‘But you’ve dyed your hair?’

‘Is that the only change you’ve noticed?’ I thought to myself.

‘Yes, it looks nice doesn’t it?’ I replied.

We both of us treated that as a rhetorical question, as she stared at me with her mouth open. She didn’t seem to be on the verge of fainting or hysterics but she certainly looked as if she were in a state of shock.

‘As you can see we have some things that we need to talk about,’ I said now reverting to Ally’s voice. ‘Perhaps we could sit down at that café over there and have a cup of tea together.’

I gestured towards some nearby tables served by a refreshment counter. Mum continued to look stunned and gave the impression that she felt as if she might be dreaming.

‘I don’t want a cup of tea, and I’ve just left your Aunt alone looking after my luggage.’

‘I think you should sit down for a minute,’ I said, this time a little more firmly.

The last thing I wanted was for her to keel over (yet another nautical idiom!) any minute.

‘Don’t worry about Aunt Emm, or your luggage; Carol is with her now. We’ve plenty of time before you need to arrive at the ship so please come and sit down for a minute so we can talk together. If you don’t want a cup of tea, I’ll get you a glass of water.’

By this time she’d accepted, albeit reluctantly, that I was indeed the fruit of her loins, and not some mischievous changeling that had emerged from the depths of her imagination.

‘But why are you dressed like that? And what has happened to your voice?'

‘Just come and sit down for a minute,’ I continued. ‘I’ll get us something to drink and then I promise to explain everything.’

She still seemed dazed but allowed herself to be guided by me to a vacant table whilst I went to the counter and quickly ordered just enough that we might legitimately use their tables for a while. Now that we’d actually met I felt myself to be growing in confidence that I was going to be able to handle the situation.

‘Why are you pretending to be a girl?’ she asked as soon as I’d returned.

This time her tone was less bemused and more accusatory.

I was tempted to respond that I was not pretending, that I’d always been a girl but she and my father had never allowed me to recognise it. However, I didn’t want to overwhelm her with information during the first few minutes of our meeting. After all I would have two weeks to tell her everything that she needed to know.

‘I’m dressed like this because I’ve taken a job as an entertainer in an all-girl singing group and it’s a condition of my employment that I stay dressed as a girl throughout the voyage. The majority of people on the ship only know me as a girl called Ally, and I’ve no wish that they should think anything else.’

‘But your employers can’t force you to dress as a girl, against your will.’

’Who said it was against my will?’ I thought to myself.

‘Mum, this has been the best job I could possibly get and I’ve been having a wonderful time. I’ve gained a lot of useful experience and have made some good friends. If you were now to come on board and start referring to me as Alex, or treating me as if I were a boy, then not only will I lose my job, but so too will Carol and four of our good friends. If that happened Carol and I would never forgive you.’

‘But …’

I was now in full flow and wasn’t going to be diverted.

‘Mum, this holiday that you’ve booked will be a great opportunity for the two of us to get on better terms with one another and discuss my future. But it’s only going to work if you’re willing to accept me as a daughter named Ally, rather than a son named Alex whilst we’re on board together.’

‘But what am I going to say to your father?’

’I knew you would bring this up even though it is you who will ultimately decide whether or not Ally is accepted into our family,’ I thought.

‘You don’t need to say anything to him; at least not for the time being. You can email him this evening to confirm your safe arrival and that we’ve met. That’s all he needs to know for now. We’ll have plenty of opportunity to discuss what to tell him and when.’

‘Does your Aunt know that you’ve been pretending to be a girl?’ Mum asked.

I didn’t like the phrase ‘pretending to be a girl,’ or the way that she said it, but it was a fair question and one which was difficult for me to answer truthfully.

‘Yes and no. She knows about my job and what it entails but she doesn’t know how far I’ve taken things recently or how important it has become to me. But you are not to go blaming Aunt Emma for what has happened, or Carol for that matter. Everything about my job and my life has been my own doing. Aunt Emm wanted to tell you what was going on before now, but I begged her not to do so.’

‘But I don’t understand. Why were you so frightened of telling me the truth about what you were doing?’ said Mum looking into my eyes.

(I was glad that Maria had done my hair and makeup for me that morning.)

‘Because I thought that you might try to stop me from taking the job and doing something that was so important to me,’ I replied quietly.

Mum didn’t respond, realising that what I’d just said was almost certainly true; she would have tried to stop me. I was ready for her to come back with some other comment or objection in response but instead there was an awkward silence between us. Mum just looked sad and weary, as if there were no fight left in her. I felt as if I’d gotten over the main obstacle of breaking the news to her but wasn’t going to make much more progress on that day in getting her to understand or accept my decision. I took her hand in a gesture of sympathy.

‘You must be feeling jet-lagged after your two long flights. Why don’t we now find the others and get you installed on board the ship? There’ll be plenty of time for us to talk over the next few days.’

She stared at my manicured and polished nails. I’d no idea what thoughts might be going through her head.

‘Yes please,’ she answered, at last.

‘But please remember that it has to be Ally from now onwards, especially when we are on board. That is very important to me.’

She sighed.

‘Very well.’

I sent a text message to Carol to ask where they were, and suggested that we all should meet by the taxi rank at the entrance to the terminal. They were waiting for us in the queue as we arrived, both looking slightly anxious. I’d forgotten that Aunt Emma hadn’t seen me since I’d dyed my hair, had my eyelashes extended and a complete makeover by Maria. She looked almost as surprised by my appearance as Mum had done. However, the last thing I wanted was to get into any further discussion or explanation on this topic.

‘Hi Aunt Emm, it’s so nice to see you again,’ I said giving her a kiss. ‘Mum’s feeling the after-effects of her two journeys and so I’ve suggest we get you back to the ship, and checked in for the cruise. Maybe we can discuss things in more detail tomorrow.’

They seemed to get my message as to what topics of conversation might be suitable whilst we waited for a taxi and during the half hour journey to the ship. I did my best to keep up a stream of light conversation asking the visitors about their flights and other details of their journeys. I commented on the weather. I explained that the Bunnies were scheduled to give a performance in the theatre that evening and a Bunny Hop the following morning; I even pointed out various sights along the way. In fact I was happy to discuss anything other than the elephant which had joined us in the taxi cab. Carol did her best to support me. Mum, in particular, and to a lesser extent, Aunt Emm, appeared to be in a state of shock and on occasions we had to repeat our questions to them.

Eventually we arrived at the quayside and I paid off the cab. Carol went off to organise some porters to come and collect the suitcases ready for delivery to their cabins, whilst I conducted Mum, my aunt and the elephant to the check-in desk for the new arrivals that was situated in a temporary building on the quayside.

‘Hello Ally, what can I do for you?’ asked Helen, one of the girls from the office to whom I chatted from time to time as she was a member of our choir.

‘Hi Helen. This lady is my mother and her companion is my aunt - Carol’s mother. They’ll be joining the cruise and have come to check-in.’

‘Welcome ladies to The Fair Maid of Southampton; may I have your confirmation email and your passports please,’ she said with a smile.

As Helen entered Mum’s details on to the computer she attempted to make conversation.

‘Your daughter and her boyfriend have been trying to teach a number of the staff to sing but they have had to struggle,’ she said with a smile.

I noticed Mum flinch, momentarily, especially at the words ‘daughter’ and ‘boyfriend’.

‘I didn’t know that,’ responded Mum in a rather neutral voice; ‘but Ally doesn’t always tell me everything she’s been doing.’

’At least she hasn’t denied having a daughter, and has even referred to me as Ally,’ I thought to myself.

Helen asked for Mum’s credit card details and for her to sign a blank slip to cover her charges at the bar and for other services on board.

‘You are in cabin 833 Mrs Fletcher, on the port side of the ship,’ she said handing back Mum’s passport and other documents. ‘I’m sure your daughter will be able to show you where to go.’

Mum responded with a weak smile

‘You’re lucky to have such a talented and attractive daughter as Ally.’

‘So it would seem,’ said Mum.

By this time Carol had re-joined us and she waited with Aunt Emm whilst Helen recorded her details. I took Mum over to the scanner and helped her put her hand luggage and handbag on to the belt.

‘They’re not really worried about the possibility of your bringing firearms or explosives, on to the ship,’ I observed. ‘The main thing that bothers them is that you might be bringing alcohol on board and so won’t have to pay the outrageous prices they charge.’

Mum turned towards me, having regained a little of her fighting spirit.

‘It appears that I’ve no choice but to accept Ally whilst we’re on board ship, but you and I are going to need to have a very long talk about your future, young m…, young lady,’ she said, just out of earshot of anyone else.

‘Yes, of course,’ I said as the elephant walked off slowly into the sunset. ‘I would guess that you’re feeling too tired to come to our performance tonight, but Carol, Beth and I will be giving a session for kids tomorrow morning and afterwards I’ll have some time to spare for a talk if you wish.’

‘Alright then,’ she replied.

As soon as Aunt Emma had checked-in and had her hand luggage scanned, we conducted the new arrivals to their shared cabin on the eighth deck. Their main luggage was already waiting for them when we arrived.

‘We’ll have to leave you now as we have to get something to eat and then get ready for the show tonight,’ said Carol. ‘Have a good rest and we’ll see you tomorrow.’

Inevitably everyone who knew about Ally was anxious to know the details of how I’d got on meeting my mother, but it was never sensible to talk about my gender ‘issues’ in the staff canteen, just in case anyone should overhear. The one place where it was normally safe to discuss such matters was in our dressing room. Thus the three Bunnies and Maria had a brief conversation as we were getting ourselves ready.

‘So how did the meeting with your mother go this afternoon, Ally?’ asked Beth.

‘It’s difficult to say. I was all fired up ready to have another row with her at the airport, but she just kind of crumpled.’

‘What do you mean by ‘crumpled’?’ she asked.

‘There were no accusations, no threats or other histrionics. She even called me ‘Ally’ as we checked in to the ship and acknowledged me as her daughter in front of Helen. I suspect that Mum has been in something of a daze ever since she arrived so I doubt whether she is going to ‘out’ me in public on board but that does not mean she won’t want to give me her detailed opinion about how I’ve let everyone in the family down and am ruining my life, as soon as she’s had a chance to sleep on the matter.’

‘Do not be too hard on you mother, Ally. It is probable that she is in a state of shock and will need a little time to get used to the idea of having a daughter,’ said Maria. ‘Maybe things will be easier for you both tomorrow.’

‘I may have won a partial victory today but I’m acutely aware that I’ve some way to go before the war is won,’ I said.

Yet I had absolutely no doubts about the final outcome, for me at least. After all I’d already started my hormone therapy. It was more a question of whether I’d be able to take Mum and Dad along with me in my journey.