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Chapter 25 Some kind of truce

In retrospect, I have to admire the choreography involved as my mother’s handbag was passed from one thief to another. Those teenage lads who’d been looking out for a suitable target were certainly skilled at their trade although I did manage to land a glancing blow on the cheek of one of them and draw a little blood with my finger nails before he slipped out of my reach. However, they hadn’t reckoned on the two middle-aged ladies that they’d targeted having any connection with the larger group of young adults walking a few yards behind them. There was a loud crack as Tom from the Bucks (who happened to be walking at the end of our line) stepped in front of the accomplice and landed a direct hit on his nose, sending him flying from his bicycle. George was next on hand and wrested the stolen bag from him, stamping on the wheels of his fallen bicycle as he did so. For a moment it looked as if the one or two of their colleagues in the group might be prepared to retaliate and seek to regain their prize, but the five guys in our party soon made it obvious to them that they would allow no such a thing to happen. The thieves apparently thought better of the idea and made a rapid retreat, with blood pouring from the cyclist’s nose and leaving his now un-rideable bicycle behind.

Carol and I rushed over to tend to our respective mothers.

‘Are you all right, Mum?’ I asked,

‘Yes, just a little shaken,’ she replied

‘You have to be more careful as the cruise ships attract all the local thieves and bag snatchers,’ I said as if I were a seasoned old hand and had not been warned by Maria about the same thing less than two hours before.

George came over carrying Mum’s handbag.

‘I believe this may be yours, Mrs Fletcher,’ he said, offering it to her.

‘Oh thank heavens for that!’ she replied, still in a state of shock. ‘I had everything in there; my money, my passport and my credit cards.’

I shook my head at her naivety.

‘Come on, Mum, let’s get you and Aunt Emma back on board,’ I said.

I turned and smiled and mouthed my thanks to both Tom and George, most impressed by the speed of their reactions.

Carol and I escorted the two sisters on to the ship and back to their cabin whilst our friends made their way on board discussing the night’s adventure.

I had very little sleep that night as I was spending the whole time going through the events of the previous day and thinking about my future. What was I going to do at the end of the summer when our current contracts expired, and more particularly what was I going to do over the ensuing year? I quite liked the idea of remaining with the ship as a solo singer with the band, and I suspected that Frank might be willing to continue to employ us. After all, cruises didn’t just stop in September but continued all the year round with a slightly older clientele – there would be no more need for the Bunny Hops. If I were able to remain it would inevitably place me more in the limelight. Was that what I wanted? Would it help or impede my transition or my decision to continue my education the following year? I’d discussed the possibility of my staying on with Beth the previous evening but she was adamant that she was going to return to University and finish her degree which I fully understood. I was also fairly sure that Carol would feel the same way, although I resolved to check with her before making any decision of my own. Even Maria, who earlier in the summer had been worried that she might not be able to continue her studies at the University of Barcelona, now felt more confident about her forthcoming resit exam. It looked as if I was going to be the only one in our group with no specific plans; just a vague feeling that this could be my one opportunity to sort out my life once and for all.

Since I needed to discuss my plans with Carol I sent her a text first thing the following morning suggesting that we have breakfast together. She agreed to do so and inevitably our first topic of conversation concerned our two mothers.

‘I phoned Mum first thing this morning. Apparently they’re both fully recovered from last night and intend to come along to see us after the Bunny Hop this morning. Perhaps we could have a coffee together.’

‘Both of them?’ I asked, slightly surprised.

‘Yes, it would seem so.’

‘That’s a promising sign; maybe Mum and I can perhaps start talking to one another again.’

‘I do hope so, it is getting a little awkward for Mum and me having to tread on eggshells between you two,’ said Carol. ‘Maybe last night’s events will be an opportunity to break the ice.’

(I smiled at her use of mixed metaphors and resolved to discuss the difference between idioms, similes and metaphors with Maria.)

‘I’m not feeling particularly bullish about the prospect,’ I replied.

‘In more ways than one,’ she said with a smile. ‘So what was it that you wanted to discuss with me?’

‘There are two things. First of all, George and I have had a message from Frank giving us permission to include the ship'd choir in the show on the last night of the voyage. I’ve only got a few days to organise everything so it would be great if you could help.’

‘No problem, just tell me what you need me to do.’

‘Thanks. The other thing is that the guys are hoping to stay on for a while after the summer and will discuss the possibility with Frank when we reach Southampton. They’ve asked me if I would be interested in joining them. I wondered about your own plans.’

‘It’s back to University I’m afraid. I only wish we’d been offered this job last summer, then I might have considered taking a year out of my degree course but it’s now too late to change my plans.’

‘I guess so.’

‘So what do you think of the idea for yourself?’ asked Carol.

I quickly looked around to make sure that no-one else was in earshot of our conversation.

‘I would be nervous about going solo as a singer but at least it would give me the opportunity to continue consulting Dr Martinez at regular intervals to oversee my hormone therapy.’

‘And continue to see George,’ she added on my behalf, with a smile.

‘Maybe, but that wouldn’t be a major consideration,’ I said colouring slightly

I thought for a moment.

‘I would also be able to keep in touch with Maria during our regular visits to Barcelona. However the guys will need to understand that I’ll be applying to different Universities during the course of the next year.’

‘So you’re still planning to apply to university?’

‘Yes, of course.’

‘I thought your parents were going to cut you off without a penny,’ she said.

‘If I work and save hard over the next year, and take out a student loan to cover the fees, I’ll probably have enough to begin the course, although it will be a struggle.’

‘Well good luck,’ said Carol. ‘Maybe we’ll be able to revive the Bunnies again next summer.’

‘We’re not finished yet. We still have three more cruises to complete, but I’ve really loved being one of the Bunnies and would hope to revive them whenever you and Beth are free to do so.’

Mum and Aunt Carol turned up midway through the Bunny Hop and stayed to watch. After we’d finished they both came over to talk to us. That was a substantial improvement on the situation two days before.

‘How are you two feeling this morning?’ I asked.

‘We’re both alright now thanks,’ answered Aunt Emma. ‘It was just the shock of it all. It was such a pity as otherwise we’d had a good time in Barcelona.’

‘You can take things easily for today and there shouldn’t be any similar problems when we call at Cadiz tomorrow. But please don’t take your passport or any other valuables ashore with you. Leave them in the safe in your cabin,’ I suggested.

‘I’d like to thank those two young men that you were with yesterday. I was too shocked to do so last night,’ said Mum to me.

‘I’m not sure what the guys are doing at the moment, but why not come along to one of our performances and speak to them afterwards?’ I suggested.

Aunt Emma glanced at Mum, as if she was signalling a silent instruction to her. It seemed as if they’d had a serious talk together following last night’s incident.

‘Alright then, we’ll come along this afternoon and I’ll thank the two young men afterwards. In the meanwhile, Ally, may I have a private word with you today?’

‘Yes of course, I’ve an hour free now, if you like, but then I’m due to give an English lesson.’

‘Where should we go?’

‘There’ll be plenty of people sun-bathing on the top deck, but I expect we’ll be able to find somewhere that is out of earshot from anyone else,’ I replied, thinking that we would be less likely to end up shouting at one another if we were in a public arena.

Mum frowned but agreed to follow me.

‘So how have you been enjoying the cruise?’ I asked breezily as we ascended in a crowded lift.

‘Well it certainly has been eventful and full of surprises,’ my mother replied.

We made our way over to a corner of the deck that was unoccupied and each took a sun lounger. I put on my fake Lauren sunglasses and waited for her to begin, but she seemed unsure what to say.

‘I saw you and your friend at the fountain show last night,’ Mum began.

‘His name is George, and yes I was aware that you were staring at us.’

‘You seemed to be having a good time together.’

She was doing her best to disguise it but there was a trace of disapproval in her tone. I could have said something sarcastic in response, but I’d resolved to ignore such minor irritations.

‘We’d had a great day out together and had only just met up with the others.’

‘So is he your steady boyfriend now?’

I could tell that this was a difficult question for her to ask as it inevitably implied a degree of acceptance on her part that I might be gay. This was something she’d not discussed with me before.

‘Mum, this has nothing to do with my sexual orientation; it is all about my gender identity. I thought I’d explained that to you in those documents that I’d sent you. If I enjoy George’s company it’s because he treats me as a woman and that’s all that I’d ask from anyone who is seeking my friendship,’ I replied.

‘So you really do want to become a woman?’

I sighed with frustration. I’d tried to explain this to her on many occasions, both in person and in writing, yet somehow the information still hadn’t got through. I was right in my assessment that she only listens to things that she wants to hear. But maybe now there was an indication that she was beginning to listen, although the message would no doubt need to be re-iterated from time to time.

‘No. I don’t want to become a woman – I feel that I already am a woman inside my head – I’ve always felt that way. That’s why I’ve begun to take those hormones so that my body can begin to correspond to my mind.’

‘But where will it end?’

I wasn’t going to get into a discussion about future surgery options as there was still much for me to find out and consider on this subject.

‘It will end with me making the best life I can in the gender role I should have been raised in.’

‘But what about your education? Your career? Marriage?’ she asked.

‘My education and career prospects need not be affected, so long as I’m able to complete my transition fairly soon and change my legal status. In fact they’re likely to be enhanced if I can live a fulfilled life rather than pretending to be someone I’m not. As to marriage, once I’ve completed my transition I’ll be able to legally marry as a woman or enter a civil partnership if I’m able to find someone who can accept me and wants to share my life. That person may be a man or a woman, I’m not really sure at the moment.’

‘But what about a family?’

‘I don’t know. Many transgendered individuals have attempted to deny or suppress their true feelings only to discover later in life that they could no longer continue living a lie. I don’t want to fall into that trap. It wouldn’t be fair on any partner or children for me to pretend to be a man when I know that I’m not.’

There was an awkward silence. For the first time I had the impression that what I’d been saying all this time was beginning to sink in.

‘Is there anything that I can do or say that is going to make you change your mind and stop doing to yourself what you appear to have started?’ she asked eventually.

This was not said in her usual ‘I know best’ tone of voice, but rather in the spirit of genuine enquiry. I turned to face her and lifted my sunglasses so she could look straight into my eyes.

‘No, I’m sorry Mum, there isn’t anything you can do or say to me. I listened to your advice nine years ago, you were wrong and I've regretted it ever since. I’ve recently discovered who I really am and I’m not prepared to sacrifice my happiness by delaying my transition any longer. I would dearly love to make things up with the both of you, but I’m afraid it can only be on my own terms. If I have to do this on my own, without your love and support, then so be it, but make no mistake, I will be going through with it.’

There was no anger in my voice just a quiet certainty, which she must have recognised. Mum averted her gaze and looked at the deck before speaking.

‘I thought this sort of thing only affected other people, like those mentioned in the case studies that you sent me. But then I read your own account of your childhood and I felt ashamed.’

At least she appeared to have read the documents that I sent to her.

‘Were you ashamed of yourself, or ashamed of me?’ I asked quietly.

She sighed.

‘Both, if I’m really honest. But I can’t help it.’

I knew that this would be a factor in how she received the news of my transition. My mother was acutely conscious of what other people thought.

‘I’m sad that you consider me to be an embarrassment to you or if you feel that I’ve let you down in some way, but I have to be true to myself. As far as I’m concerned I’ve never felt so good about myself or more proud of what we’ve achieved as I have during the last few weeks.’

‘I can see that but I’m afraid that is the way I was brought up,’ she said. ‘It’s going to take me some time to come to terms with the idea of having a transgendered son.’

‘I would rather that you thought of me as your daughter who happens to be a transgendered woman,’ I replied. ‘But I suppose it’s something that you don’t appear to be writing me off altogether.’

She sighed.

‘No, I’m not writing you off altogether, but you must allow me time to get used to the idea of having ‘a daughter’.’

From the way she said those words it was clear that she was still having difficulty with the idea, but at least she seemed to be making an effort.

‘Yes, of course I understand Mum. It is going to be difficult for both of you. I hope one day to make you proud of me as your daughter but I’ll only be able to do that if I’m true to myself.’

‘I guess so,’ she replied with a sigh.

‘I won’t be able to travel to see you in Bahrain for a while until I can get a new passport as a woman, but at least we’ll now be able to keep in regular touch with one another by Skype.’

She would have to decide for herself what she said to her expat friends, and when, but now that I’d ‘come out’ to my parents as well as my cousin and aunt, I would no longer be afraid of what anyone might think of me.

‘I’ll also have to explain things to your dad,’ she said.

‘I thought that you’d already told him.’

‘He knows that you’re working as a female impersonator and I mentioned that I was worried about your future, but didn’t go so far as telling him that you were living as a girl full-time and planning a permanent change of sex.’

‘It is a change of gender rather than a change of sex,’ I corrected patiently. ‘Just tell him the truth and show him a few of the pictures of me on Flickr. I’m sure he’ll be alright about it as long as you’re able to accept my transition and it doesn’t interfere with his precious work,’ I replied with a smile.

‘I hope you’re right. I’ll probably tell him when I get back home.’

‘Let me know when you’ve done so and then I’ll talk to him on Skype.’

She sighed and touched my hand.

‘As there appears to be nothing that we can do to stop you, I suppose we’ll both have to find a way to accept you as our daughter.’

‘I’m afraid so,’ I replied.

‘Well I’ve never doubted that you looked nice dressed as a girl.’

‘Even when I’m wearing makeup?’

‘Yes, even when you’re wearing makeup.’

‘Thanks, I enjoy taking trouble over my appearance and looking good. As I said, my friend Maria has been helping me in this respect, but I’m gradually getting the hang of what to wear and how to do my hair and makeup.’

‘So I see.’

‘One day, maybe, we’ll be able to go out clothes shopping together, as mother and daughter, but not until you are more comfortable with me in my new identity and I’ve gained more confidence as to who I am and how I want to look. But in the meanwhile why not come to our performance this evening, so you can see how glamorous we can look.’

She sighed, but otherwise appeared to be acquiescent.

‘Alright, it looks as though I have no choice. I’ll come to your show this evening and perhaps afterwards I’ll be able to meet those friends of yours to thank them for their help.’

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