Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you. Honey Bunny Chapter 14 by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson All Rights Reserved.

After Palermo, we sailed into the Ionian Sea and the Adriatic, calling at Dubrovnik. From there it was a day’s journey before we reached Venice. Life carried on much as before. In the evenings the Bunnies had four stage outfits to choose from so were able to switch them regularly to give more variety to our performances. George and I continued to meet up for a few hours each week where we went through any suggestions for new material from our colleagues in the Bucks or the Bunnies, where necessary working out new arrangements to suit the available voices and instruments. These were normally friendly affairs where we worked well together. On one occasion we’d just stopped for a glass of squash after we’d successfully finished arranging a new version of the Beyoncé song ‘If I Were a Boy’.

‘Don’t you feel a little odd when you are singing that song, Ally?’ asked George.

‘No, why should I?’ I responded, playing dumb but realising what he probably had in mind.

‘Well, despite the way you look, sound and act, you are still a boy.’

My genetic sex was the one topic that George and I had avoided discussing up to that point, partly because he clearly found it a source of embarrassment and there was always a danger that someone might overhear our conversation, although on this occasion there was no one else in the room.

‘Maybe there is a certain irony associated with my singing those words, but the song was suggested by Carol and she’ll be the lead singer when we come to perform it. I’ll be one of the backing vocals.’

I assumed that George would now let the matter drop, but he seemed unwilling to do so.

‘Carol told me that prior to joining the Bunnies in May, you were just an ordinary guy.’

‘If being ‘an ordinary guy’ means having a boring dead-end job, feeling constantly depressed, not knowing what to do with my life, and in denial about my gender identity, then I guess she was right,’ I thought to myself.

‘Carol had no idea what was going on in my head,’ I replied coolly.

He seemed to want to get something off his chest but was struggling to find the right words to do so.

‘It is just that you appear to be so feminine and yet I know that you’re a male. … I don’t know how to react towards you.’

This last comment may have been quite true but it irritated me, all the same.

‘Look George, don’t you think I’ve got enough issues of my own to deal without worrying about any hang-ups you may have concerning your own sexuality? If you can’t cope with the fact that I was born a boy, let’s forget about these sessions and keep our distance from one another.’

Our conversation clearly hadn’t gone the way he’d hoped, but I didn’t know what he wanted me to do, or say. I was who I was.

‘I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to upset you Ally. I enjoy working with you and don’t want to lose your friendship.’

As he said this he lightly touched my hand with his. I looked down at our hands to avoid looking him in the eyes.

‘In that case you’d better learn to accept me as I am,’ I replied, gently removing my hand from his. ‘Now shall we get back to the music?’

‘Jim and Tom have arranged to help out on a coach excursion to the Dolomites when we dock in Venice tomorrow but I’ve never seen the city. I was wondering whether I might join you and the other Bunnies when you go ashore.’

‘I don’t know what Beth and Carol are planning for tomorrow, and there’s also Maria to consider,’ I replied coolly.

‘That’s ok, I expect I’ll have a look around on my own,’ he replied, sounding a little disappointed.

It seemed as if he’d been plucking up the courage to ask me out, but had done so in a rather strange way.

‘I’ll let you know later this evening what we’re planning,’ I said, relenting a little. ‘Now I really think we should get back to the music.’

I wasn’t sure what to make of my discussion with George. Most of the time we got on well together, and I liked him a lot but he’d just broken the cardinal rule about discussing my sex on board the ship. Then he’d followed it up with a rather clumsy request to come ashore with us the following day. Thinking about it afterwards I wasn’t sure whether that request had been directed at me or the three of us? It all seemed a little odd. However, although he’d puzzled and irritated me, I didn’t like to think of him spending the day on shore on his own. I therefore resolved to find out what the others were planning to do in Venice.

After lunch that day Maria and I had our usual English lesson, where I introduced the topic of English idioms.

‘An idiom is a phrase which has a different meaning from the dictionary definitions of the individual words. Unfortunately there are large numbers used in English and foreign learners often find them difficult to understand.’

‘Can you give me some examples?’ she asked.

‘Alright, as we’re on a cruise liner, I will choose some idioms relating to boats and the sea. We might say that someone has ‘missed the boat’ when that person has missed his or her chance to do something important. In this instance it does not mean that they’ve failed to get on board a ship in time. Equally, we might describe someone who is very trusting or childlike as being ‘just off the boat,’ or when they do something that is risky or dangerous we might describe them as ‘sailing too close to the wind.’

‘But why would you say something when you mean something else?’

‘I don’t know why; we describe them as figures of speech, and they occur in many languages although English does contain a large number of examples. New idioms are being introduced into the language all the time.’

‘I think they are there to trick the foreigner who is ‘just off the boat.’

I laughed.

‘Maybe that is so, but there must be some idioms in Spanish.

‘We would say 'estirar la pata' - stretch the leg - when someone dies.’

‘We, in turn, might say ‘kick the bucket.’

She sighed and shook her head at the incomprehensibility of the English language. I continued with my lesson.

‘Sometimes idioms have a very specific purpose. For example, the phrase ‘By the way’ is used when we wish to introduce a new topic to the conversation. For example, ‘I might say to you “By the way, Maria, do you have any plans to go ashore in Venice tomorrow?”’

She used my example as an excuse to digress from the topic of the lesson by treating it at its face value, as if I were asking her a straight question.

‘I have taken a holiday in Venice with my parents two years ago. It is expensive, crowded and smelly city.’

‘It is an expensive, crowded and smelly city,’ I corrected.

‘I prefer to stay on board and study, unless you want me to accompany you.’

‘No, you’re welcome to stay and study, if you wish. I expect I’ll join Carol and Beth and their boyfriends tomorrow. George from the Bucks has also asked if he can come with us as well.’

Maria smiled broadly.

‘That is good! I will not go to Venice with you: I will study my English idioms instead. George can look after you; I do not wish to be the chaperón.

My cheeks flushed at the idea, but I didn’t attempt to persuade her to change her mind. Instead I tried to steer our conversation back to the lesson by picking up on what she’d just said.

‘The English word is ‘chaperone,’ which is similar to the Spanish word, but in an informal conversation, speaking between friends, we might rather use an idiom such as ‘to play gooseberry.’

‘Gooseberry, what is a gooseberry?’

I had no idea of the Spanish word so we had to look that one up in her dictionary.

‘Grosella,’ I announced.

Maria shook her head in disbelief.

‘What game do you play with gooseberries?’

As I’d expected, Carol and Beth were looking forward to spending their day off sightseeing with their new boyfriends - Richard and John. They invited me to join them, but I could see that it was going to be awkward, until I announced that George had asked whether he might come along with us as well. They both seemed pleased by the idea.

‘Yes, of course he can come, Ally, the numbers will be just right,’ said Beth.

‘You’d better warn him, though, that you two may need to snuggle up together in a gondola,’ said Carol with a wink.

George and I quite often exchanged a few words together after finishing one of our performances and did so again later that evening.

‘The Bunnies will be happy to have you come ashore with us with us tomorrow, but Carol and Beth will be bringing their boyfriends who know nothing about my background so there must be absolutely no discussion or reference to my gender – is that clear?’

‘Yes of course, Ally, I promise not to mention the subject.

‘Good! Carol has also asked me to warn you that you and I may end up sharing a gondola, so if that’s going to be a problem for you then you’d better say so now.’

As soon as I said that, I realised that she’d been teasing me. George smiled at this.

‘No Ally, I won’t have a problem with sharing a gondola with you, in fact I’m quite looking forward to it, as long as you don’t rock the boat.’

He had such a sweet smile that I couldn’t stop myself from smiling back.

‘I’m glad!’ I replied. ‘I’ll see you in the morning.’

I made a mental note to pass on one more nautical idiom to Maria.

The following morning I chose to wear the blue sleeveless dress that Maria had given to me together with my black medium heels, as these looked quite classy and were fairly comfortable for walking. My choice of attire, jewellery, hair and makeup all met with Maria’s approval when she gave me a last minute inspection, before I left for what she insisted on referring to as ‘my date.’

‘No Maria, it isn’t “a date”. A date is a social or romantic appointment. This is just six friends going out sightseeing together.’

‘You may know more about the English language than I do, Ally, but I know more about ‘social or romantic appointments,’ than you do,’ she replied with a smile.

In the event we didn’t take gondolas during our visit to Venice. None of the couples involved could afford the eighty euro fare for a forty minute boat ride and although it was suggested that the six of us might share one gondola this seemed to defeat the original object of the exercise. Instead, we took a vaporetto (a water bus carrying about 120 passengers) on a trip down the Grand Canal. At ten euros each for the round trip this was still outrageously expensive for what was involved but you cannot visit Venice without going on the canals. Carol and Beth were helped by their respective escorts as they walked over the gang plank and boarded the boat. George and I were the third couple to board and he took my hand to help me aboard but then let it drop, whereas the two other guys went on to casually slip their arms around the shoulders of their respective partners as they took their seats. I wasn’t quite sure what I felt about this, but was relieved that we were sitting in the back row and so not subject to the observation of the others. Likewise, when it came to getting off, George held my hand until I was safely on the shore but then let it go once again.

We spent most of the morning visiting the sights in the Piazza San Marco including the Basilica di San Marco, and the Palazzo Ducale (the Doge’s Palace). The buildings were fabulous but the crowds of sightseers from all nations were unbelievable. I was slightly irritated that Richard and John seemed to be more intent on impressing my cousin and Beth than they were on appreciating the magnificent architecture before them and that the girls seemed to enjoy this attention. George was a little bit shy and subdued, but like me he did at least take an interest in his surroundings.

At lunch time we stopped for a sandwich and a coffee in a café on the Calle de Fabbri. Like everywhere else, it was outrageously expensive but it did at least provide free broadband so we could download our emails and messages to read later.

‘What are we going to do after lunch?’ asked John.

‘Why don’t we go up the Campanile? The guide book says it gives the best views in Venice,’ said Carol.

‘There was quite a queue outside but it seemed to be moving reasonably fast,’ replied Richard.

‘At eight euros just for a ride in a lift, it seems a little steep,’ commented Beth’.

‘Everything in Venice is expensive,’ said John.

George and I were happy to tag along with the others and so we found ourselves in the queue to take the lift to the viewing deck of the Campanile. As before, we were the third couple in line. Our turn for the lift eventually came and just as we were about to join the four others in the car a couple appeared out of nowhere and took the last two places. Before I could say anything the attendant had pressed the button to close the doors leaving the two of us behind.

‘We’ll wait for you at the top,’ said Beth before the lift disappeared.

However the pressure of crowds on the viewing platform was such that it was not practicable for four people to remain behind to wait for those coming up in the next lift, they were shunted round the viewing platform and on to the next lift down. By the time George and I arrived at the top there was no sign of them. Then my mobile phone rang – it was Carol.

‘Ally, I’m sorry we weren’t able to wait for you at the top, but the crowds up there were ridiculous. If you like we’ll make our way back to the café where we had lunch and wait for you there.’

‘Carol, staying together as a group of six is becoming increasingly difficult, and it’s not as if I’m on my own. Why don’t you four go ahead and do whatever you want to do and we’ll see you back on the ship this evening.’

‘Well if you’re sure?’

‘Don’t worry I’m sure we’ll be fine.’

‘I see,’ she said in a knowing voice. ‘But let me have a quick word with George before you ring off.’

I handed the phone to George who listened for a while, and laughed.

‘Alright then,’ he said, rang off and handed the phone back to me.

‘What was that all about?’ I asked.

‘Carol says that I am to take your hand and not let go until we get back to the ship,’ he said offering me his hand.

‘That won’t be necessary, but don’t worry I’ll be sticking closely with you for the rest of the afternoon.’

Our afternoon in Venice proved to be much more enjoyable when it was just the two of us. George seemed to come out of his shell and was more talkative than he’d been in the morning and in turn I was more responsive. He appeared to know a fair amount about the history of Venice and its Renaissance architecture so we allowed ourselves to take more time and appreciate the beauties of St Mark’s Square, in spite of the crowds. He was witty, without showing off and we had fun chatting about Venice and other things as well. After we came down from the Campanile, we visited the Torre del l'Orologio, and just had time to have an ice-cream before taking a vaporetto back to St Marta, which is the closest stop to the Cruise Terminal.

On our journey back George held on to my hand whilst I walked over the gangplank of the waterbus. This time he didn’t let it go once I was on board, until we were both seated. He then slipped his arm round my shoulders and, without thinking about it, I allowed myself to snuggle up to him, just as Carol and Beth had done with their respective escorts that morning. It was nice to feel his hand gently stroking my hair during the journey back down the Grand Canal. It went through my mind what I would do if he sought to kiss me, and I half hoped that he did do so, although this didn’t seem very likely given the numbers of other people around. I truly thought that my feelings towards him at that moment were not those of a homosexual man, but rather of a heterosexual woman.

George took my hand once again to help me off the boat and held on to it whilst we made our way on foot towards the Terminal. By this time we were being joined by hundreds of other day-trippers returning to their cruise liners. He held my hand until we’d almost reached gangplank of The Fair Maid of Southampton, as we passed a number of tourist coaches on the quayside which were disgorging their passengers. He caught sight of James and Tom getting off one of the coaches and his body language seemed to change. He let go of my hand in order to wave to them and, to my disappointment, he did not take hold of it again afterwards.

‘Shall we wait for the guys to catch us up?’ he asked.

Somehow it was as if the spell had been broken.

‘I’d better not; I have to have a shower and get myself ready for the show tonight, but I’ve enjoyed our afternoon together. I’ll see you later this evening,’ I said.

‘That’s alright, Ally, I’m glad I came,’ he replied.

I hesitated for a moment hoping he might at least give me a farewell kiss on the cheek, but the other Bucks were now in view.

‘Goodbye then,’ I said as I showed my ID card and made my way up the gangplank alone, whilst he waited for his colleagues.

I made my way back to our cabin feeling just as confused about my feelings towards him as I had done the previous day.