Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 6

*Before…

I hug her back. “I’m different now aren’t I?”

I feel her nod in the hug. “Yeah, kind of a lot different but not…but I love you anyways.”

There’s something there…something kind of shining through. “Always?”

She sniffle nods.

“Good, cause I think I’m going to need that.”

“Shawn?”

I’m right there on the edge of saying…something, I don’t know what…but something and then the nurses are back in and with a wheelchair. “Alright Shawn you ready for your tests?”

Sigh.

*And Now…

I look at them and I know there’s a grimace on my face and I say. “Not really but we kinda got to right?”

Mom gets up. “It’s for the best.”

I sigh again but that turns into an inhale as my back protests. It’s not really a spasm but it’s a definite protest and that makes me just feel tired already as I get into the wheelchair and mom gets her purse and she takes the wheel…well handles of the chair and we follow the nurses.

I look up and back at her. “So where’s dad?”

“He’s working; he said he’d be by later if he could or if they had a good day.”

“Good day? What’s he do?”

“Well he does a lot of stuff but he’s a carpenter usually.”

“Usually?”

“Well a lot of the time it’s seasonal stuff so he makes furniture and he does art pieces and he…well we have a shop on the side.”

“Art and a shop like a gallery?”

“Not quite he has a showroom for the woodshop and he makes things like burl-bowls and things on the lathe and cheese boards and cutting boards and the like the shop is sort of mine and his and it’s stuff from our garden and home cooking and pickles and preserves.”

“Oh…sort of like a farmers market?”

“Yep only it’s ours and we sometimes go to the farmers market to sell our stuff especially around the holidays.”

“Oh cool can I help out sometimes?”

“Well you usually did.”

“Oh well that’s good, I mean I’m glad to help out and stuff.”

“Well help out and get paid.”

“So dad’s doing carpentry stuff today?”

“I think he’s doing roofing in a couple of places today.”

“Okay so lucky’s like with the weather.”

“Yeppers, it’s been forecasting rain for the week and he really wanted to get it done before all of that hits.”

“Okay…mom?”

“Yeah kiddo?”

“What month is it?”

“It’s May Shawn.”

“So the accident was before winter?”

“Yeah.”

I put my hands up in the air like I won something. “Yay I hibernated.”

Okay that makes one of the nurse’s snerk and Mom does that laugh cough and we go through the doors to Radiology & Medical Imaging.
The first thing we go through is x-rays and there’s a lot of them as they want head, neck chest, and back and sides too and my right knee and elbow. I didn’t know about it those but apparently the were pretty messed up from the accident too even if they feel sort of fine.

Sort of fine because well everything is achy and sore and I don’t know if those are okay or they’re just blended into things.

Standing sucks.

It doesn’t hurt but it sucks and it’s my back and sort of my hips too and my shoulders some too. It’s more like a weakness thing I think because it’s standing for the x-rays and they want standing ones to see whatever and while it doesn’t hurt right away it does get tiring and achy painful pretty fast and then it’s like off to the other areas and thankfully that’s back in the wheelchair.

I can feel my back threatening the spasms thing.

Mom looks at me. “You okay?”

“No…I think I’m really messed up and honestly?”

“Of course?” she looks like this is another one of those things I’m saying that’s different than what I used to say or act.

I hold my hand up with my finger and thumb close together. “I’m about that far from crying.”

She looks surprised and then immediately concerned. “Do you want something for the pain? I can ask the nurses.”

I shake my head no. “No…it’s bad but not that bad it’s just scary. I mean I woke up like this.”

She holds my hand as we’re waiting for my turn in the big doughnut. “It’ll be okay Shawn we’ll get through this.”

“Mom we don’t know that I could be injured like this forever.”

“We’ll adapt.”

“I hope so…because this, this stuff scares the crap out of me.”

The CAT isn’t as hard as the x-rays were and everything but it’s kind of achy to be on that table and given the hospital stuff I’m in it’s very exposed and I’m feeling exposed and I sort of do my best to cover up and I’m getting looks from the tech and Mom but it’s like the tech’s boss who’s really nice about it and he gets me a heated blanket out of the blanket warmer.

Oh that’s really nice and yay and feels really good.

“That’s just…wow this is nice I didn’t know that I was that cold until I got this.”

Mom looks at me. “Well you did lose a lot of weight.”

“That’s actually a thing I like.”

She’s looking at me again.

“Mom…you ever just know stuff?”

“Yeah…”

“Well I know that, it looked right me being thinner.”

Okay they’re all giving me looks.

Mom asks. “Shawn…what is it what’s going on with you?”

“Not here okay…I mean…can we wait until we’re back in my room and when dad’s here?”

“Sure Kiddo.”

She looks worried though.

I squeeze her hand and try to reassure her even though I kind of am building a case of nerves that kind of make me want to like York.

I try to do that good kid smile thing and she smiles back and she holds my hand until they’re ready for the MRI.

That’s a lot like the CAT but instead of the doughnut it’s a machine that sort of has a bed that slides deeper inside the machine to take a whole body scan kind of thing.

The bed for it is as bad as the one for the CAT and it’s really hard and getting on it is kind of sore and achy but it’s also cool and it’s still kind of open and unnerving in the stuff I’m in it’s way too open.

Mom looks at me. “I’m going to call your dad and see if he can pick you up some things from home.”

“Okay…that’s good…I guess.”

“You guess?’

I nod. “I don’t really remember what I had for clothes but…”

“But?”

“Anything’s got to be better than this.”

She gives me another look and she nods and leans down and she gives me a kiss on the forehead and she heads out with her dialing Dad I think and I take a breath and lie back on the bed/table thing and try to keep the shirt thingy down and stuff.

I mean it’s long enough but it’s billowy in not a good thing and way.

Okay does that mean that I don’t like dresses?

I haven lots of dresses on my Live Journal and stuff I have whole almost catalogues of stuff that I adored. I say that because there was usually commentary over the outfits between me and my friends.

Though I did read me saying that “I’d love it but I’d never really wear it.”

I said that a lot.

Though I can see why.

I mean there’s a lot of me that I can see as Sarah seeing Shawn never being out of the way and that had to…and does…suck.

I can even sort of feel that much.

…….I want to be pretty, to just kind of walk and feel and be that person that I feel like inside.

I absolutely do not feel like a Shawn.

Actually I feel…I feel.

I feel like I’m going to panic because now I’m inside this thing and it’s small and it’s closed in and it’s making noises and lots of them and all of a sudden I’m not there.

I’m in the car and it’s rolling and it’s rolling and every time it rolls the air is getting redder and redder and I’m screaming and screaming and it won’t move! It won’t give I can’t get out and my back hurts and I can’t get out1 “Lemme go! Lemme out, please, please let me out! Help! I’ll be good! I’ll be a good Girl!, I’ll be a good girl!”