Alonely…Part one?

It’s my own little made up word for this, for the way that I feel so much of the time. I can be around people and I’m still alone.

And it hurts.

And it’s lonely.

So…Alonely.

Alonely sucks.

I mean there’s stuff that people always tell me that is just…

Get out there, go places if you don’t go places how are you going to meet anyone?

I work, I work a job cleaning and that’s at night so really who am I going to meet stuck on the backshift?

Yeah I have days off but one of those is half dead by sleeping and another is pretty much all the stuff that I don’t get done during the week.

And people saying. “Oh you’re single you don’t have that much to do…”

I really wish that they’d just choke on that.

Moms and parents sure with kids comes a lot of crap but just some one in a relationship? Effing please…you have each other. That means a whole lot.

I was (Yay) living at home since I can’t afford a house and a mortgage being someone who doesn’t have the education to get into a job that pays so much that I could think about buying a home.

Then one accident with me getting rear ended by this guy and my car’s pooched and why I got some money for soft injuries and they did replace my car since it was leased it still put me in that place where the cost of things while going without had me ending up living at home….

With my parents.

And you know what?

It honestly feels like I doomed and messed up and just a completely fucked up human being in general. A waste of air and a waste of space.

Why?

Gay?

Nope.

Lesbian?

Nope.

Bisexual?

Nope.

Transgendered?

Nope.

Intersexed?

Nope.

CAIS?PAIS?

Nope.

Why because for as long as I can remember and in almost totally hidden self confusion I have had absolutely no reaction to members of any sex…or gender presentation/identity…none.

Oh I get it all, I can get how these people react and are around each other and every time I meet someone in real life it’s this utter disconnect with myself.

I get nothing.

I get kissed and it’s just weird. I mean it’s not I like being held, I like kisses on the cheek and affection but when someone plants a kiss on my lips it’s just weird.

Asexual they call it and I didn’t choose this, I didn’t.

Who would?

And when you can’t be with someone when intimate contact is ick…on this just weird level it crushes a relationship in a hurry.

Asexual is Alonely.

The worst thing is I’m not sexually neutral…I’m physically male and everything works as far as anyone could tell except for my T levels are low but not too low as to have me get feminized or something. Yes I’ve tried hormones and stuff to feel more of either.

I when on T first since it matches me physically.

And it sort of worked too…I could get an erection and I sort of felt like a guy…I think but that can with weight gain and acne and then these really bad headaches and the worst rages with my temper I would feel actually sick with it.

A year after sort of getting back to normal and out of the nuthouse for a suicide attempt…yeah.

When you go through so much of this constantly being angry and still constantly not having a working relationship it… the feelings of just failing and being a waste just piled up.

It was sleeping pulls and a fifth of Southern Comfort.

Being on the estrogen was no better and it made me upset and crying all the time and not just like being over emotional but emotional enough that…

That the Alonely nearly drowned me in hormone induced depression…it was according to the docs me coming really close to like the whole post partum thing.

So I became a hermit.

Living in my parents house and not really venturing out unless I really needed to and not really eating and barely sleeping that much.

It became my norm.

But this…this happened and really freaked me out.

Mom and dad took off. They’ve thrown in the towel as much as they can and they went of a ship’s cruise. I have the house to myself and Pinky and Brain our two white cats when I seen someone moving in next door.

They are with their parent too.

And they’re older, like me not a teenager living at home.

In a hoody, dark charcoal grey hoody and sweats and they’re really loose and baggy but tied on securely and they’re avoiding the movers and the looks of some of the nosey neighbors like me and I they shuffle inside hands in their pockets with that sort of emotionally zombified way that I can get.

Trey? I hear the mom over there call them Trey a lot.

I’m Alonely, asexual and very white…my first reaction to hearing that was they’re not black?

No I don’t actually know any black people of African Americans if you want to be like political and stuff.

I’ve met black folks, I went to school with some and others and at the same time I still don’t really know any.

That would really require me getting out some.

I’m embarrassed by my whiteness a little.

I move to the side window of the house and look out the kitchen window and watch there’s not much to see really for awhile just movers and boxes and then dad and the mom both early middle aged around forty or so and then I was watching the movers again and when I looked up to see into their kitchen window again they’re there.

Trey…or who I think Trey is and they’re still wearing that hoody and I look at them and they’re staring at me and I can’t really make out much of the face except for these bluish grey eyes that almost shine their way over to me.

Sad eyes, wondering eyes and pretty eyes even.

I swallow and raise my hand in a wave.

They wave back and I get a look of their hand.

It’s strange looking odd and waxy?

And it’s missing the ring and baby finger on that hand.

I see them see me looking.

They pull their hand down and turn away and they leave.

The eyes went sadder and scared and hurt.

Something in my chest rolled over and went ow inside.

I don’t like fighting or arguing or hurting people, it’s like the way that I am sometimes I don’t get the whole gender and sexual relationships but other stuff I seem to get loud and clear.

I just saw Alonely.

I move away from the window and I go and try to make myself busy. I go online, I surf the net, watch You Tube and screw around on Facebook long enough to kill a few hours or so.

Exhausted by the time it hits midnight I go offline and I try and sleep.

Two hours that’s it and I get up and go to make some coffee. If I can’t sleep then I might as well be awake right?

I’m getting the perk going when I see Trey outside in their backyard. We share a small hedge as a sort of fence it’s just a line of foot high cedar shrubbery and not really a fence so I can see them out there and they’re sitting in a lawn chair and looking up at the stars.

We’re outback so the streetlights don’t give off enough light pollution to drown out the stars.

I’ve never really done that, just go outside and look at the stars.

I go outside and walk over in my bare feet to close to where they’re at.

“Trey right?”

They sort of turn their head and hug themselves and tuck arms under sleeves and feet under legs. Their eyes are still shine out at you blue. There’s this soft. “Yes…”

“I’m Blayne…I’m sorry for staring.”

They look at me. “Everyone stares it’s alright.”

“No it’s not it was rude really.”

Trey shrugs and I step over. “I’m making coffee would you like some?”

“Yes please.”

Now I’m the one getting stared at and I turn red some. I blush very easily. I’m sort of normal looking and not. I’m skinny, and baby faced from the hormones and stuff and I’m smooth everywhere else.

I’m sort of a nothing right so two years ago I got rid of my hair…Neet and stuff like it everywhere…well I have hair on my head…and yes my therapist has had a field day with me and the need to be smooth.
But honestly I don’t pass for either…or I pass for either but I’m just kind of meh either way…red brown hair and I have freckles…lot’s of freckles.

I stop and look back at them. “How, how do you like your coffee?”

“Cream and sugar please.”

I like their voice, it’s damaged I can tell that from what I think…what I think might be burns or something and instead of it sounding odd to me it has this pleasant softness…there’s some base to it but at the same time…nice.

I go and get us two coffee and go back outside and over to them.

They have to hold the coffee with both hands and they sort of gesture for me to sit. I sit and offer a shy sort of smile.

“I never take the time to watch the stars.”

“I…I try to…I try to find little things…”

“I have a hard time finding a point.” I sort of hunch self consciously and sip my coffee.

“So do I…I…I stay for my family…I think sometimes that’s why I’m still here.”

“Me too…”

I look over at Trey and we just sort of stare at each other.

Trey is burned…not just his hands but his face and I’m going to say more.

“I don’t freak you out?” He asks. The tone is actually curious, curious and tired.

“No, and I don’t know why but maybe part of me thinks I should be but I’m not. Maybe nobody people don’t freak out over stuff like this?”

“Nobody people?”

“Yes…I’m a nobody person…I…I can’t connect with people…I don’t get sex, bodies, gender stuff…not when it comes to me.”

Okay I’m getting the oddest look. I hang my head.

“I’ve never heard of that before.”

“I’m what the doctors and the therapists all call asexual…they say…some say that it’s just another way of expressing gender.”

“Sounds sad.”

“It is…Sad and what I call Alonely.”

“I like that…I’m…I’m Alonely too.”

I look at Trey sort of still curled up and hiding and at the same time with those sad blue-moon eyes.

“I could tell.”

They stare at me and there’s this little shimmer there…? Tears?

“You want to stay and watch the stars with me?”

“Okay…it’s cold though I’ll be right back.”

He nods and I get up and go and get the comforter from the living room and bring it out and I move my lawn chair next to his.

It’s really a strange feeling covering us both up. It’s inside and in my chest and it’s…it’s been awhile since I was…feeling, feeling not alone and just something other than the greys I’ve been living through.

We just sit there and look up and watch the night stars, planes and jets going off from the airport and all the way until the sun comes up.

I feel Trey’s head on my shoulder and look to see them asleep on my shoulder and the sunshine is touching their face and they are sleeping like me when I hit that wall of sheer exhaustion.

He has really bad burns on his face too and yet he looks like he’s crying a little in his sleep.

I don’t know what I’m doing really but I reach under the comforter and feel out for him and find his arm and then his hand.

Even feeling the scars doesn’t gross or freak my out.

Actually I have no idea what I’m feeling….but when I gently squeeze his hand and whisper. “It’s okay….I’m here.” The pained tenseness, that sad in his sleep seems to fade a little and right now.

Right now we’re not alone for the moment at least.

*** This is another experimental dip into a new story dealing with an asexual character so please let me know what you all think and if I should continue the story. ***