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Alonely… Part two
*Before…
I feel Trey’s head on my shoulder and look to see them asleep on my shoulder and the sunshine is touching their face and they are sleeping like me when I hit that wall of sheer exhaustion.
He has really bad burns on his face too and yet he looks like he’s crying a little in his sleep.
I don’t know what I’m doing really but I reach under the comforter and feel out for him and find his arm and then his hand.
Even feeling the scars doesn’t gross or freak my out.
Actually I have no idea what I’m feeling….but when I gently squeeze his hand and whisper. “It’s okay….I’m here.” The pained tenseness, that sad in his sleep seems to fade a little and right now.
Right now we’re not alone for the moment at least.
*And now…
Trey looks at me.
“I…I don’t want to be an asshole Blayne…but…but why?”
I take a breath and think. “Honestly…because maybe you don’t scare me?”
“The way I look?”
I nod. “Looks don’t scare me Trey it’s everything else.”
“Everything else?”
“Yes, people…most people I know get way too hung up on stuff like that.”
“There’s hung up and then there’s this…I scare people Blayne.”
“You don’t scare me.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m different…likely as messed up as you are on the inside as you are like this.”
“That’s not possible they…they go deep Blayne, they run right through me now.”
“Yeah…I can tell…”
He looks away… “I don’t want to be…be an asshole but what’s wrong with you? I mean the on the inside thing.”
“I’m asexual.”
He looks at me and he’s got this questioning look there and in just kind of lean heavy into the chair and sigh.
“Sorry…” He looks down.
“No….it’s just I get that all the time.”
“What?”
“That look, that I don’t get it look or the that’s not really a thing it’s a choice or a joke or…”
He looks at me actually sliding a little closer…more intense but in that between two people way and not something sexual… “Hard to live with?”
I nod.
Actually I stare at him a bit too, mostly his eyes. People’s eyes say a lot about them and it usually can show me if they’re messing with me.
I get messed with a lot.
“Blayne?”
“Yeah?”
“Tell me about it?”
“Being asexual?”
“Yeah.” Trey coughs some and I look at him.
I nod slowly to myself and think about it.
“It’s different for everyone…I mean it’s like I guess like straight or gay or stuff…it’s not one thing…but for me?”
Trey nods.
“For me it’s always been off…I don’t line up with other people. Never have…I mean there’s been people I like, there’s been people that I’ve ended up really, really liking but then it comes to that sex stuff and…and nothing…my brain misses all the cues and I don’t get the urges that I should…and I’ve tried…tried guys, tried girls and it’s all the same…”
“So…have you?”
“Yeah…when I was a teenager…desperate to be like everyone else…it was just…awkward and beyond.”
“Sex is supposed to be awkward.”
“Not all the time, not every time…” (Sniffle.) Great now I’m crying.
“You okay?” He’s shy about it but he reaches up and rubs my back some.
“No…” I’m sniffling and stuff and right on the edge of breaking because… “It hurts…I’ve tried and tried but going past things gets just…I want the regular stuff…I want a relationship and a life and to have someone…I effing do but…but I just can’t go there…sex makes me feel…”
“Uncomfortable…almost violated?”
I sob… “Yes…but how can you really like someone but be with them and having it feel like you’re…it’s like I have to go there and I’m not ready to go there…I’m never ready!”
I got a bit loud and I blush some and cover my face. “Sorry.”
“For what?”
“I just…”
He leans forward in the chair and looks at me. “Blayne…it’s messed up…and I’m not going to say it’s not but…you’re perfectly okay to feel that way.”
“I am?”
“Yeah…you are, people are messy, complicated…stupid…sometimes too.”
“I…I’ve always just kept getting side eyed for this.”
Trey nods. “People are stupid.”
He smiles and despite the scars and stuff or maybe because of it it’s a nice smile.
“Breakfast?”
I blink…it is morning.
“Oh…okay….that’d be nice will your folks be okay with it?”
“Thrilled.” He rolls his eyes. “I’m anti-social to the point of they’ll likely be fawning over you.”
I nod. “I can deal with that it’s better than the my kid’s an alien thing that mine treat me with.”
We get up and we head inside his house and he’s folding the blanket as best he can with what happened to his fingers. “Bad?”
“Bad enough my dad was kind of a homophobe and now he’d be grateful if I had a boyfriend I think…I’ve heard him call me the neuter when he didn’t think I was around.”
He looks at me. “Wow…what an asshole.”
I shrug…try not to get too upset again over it. “People have a hard time with asexual people…we don’t compute as much as trans people do.”
Trey gives me a nod and another smile like he’s trying to reassure me… “How about I just don’t try to compute you at all?”
I sigh… “Thank you…so…much…”
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Comments
What gets us out of bed?
Blayne seems an enigma with no motivation beyond not being Alonely so it will be interesting seeing who is drawn into a common orbit..
Rhona McCloud
People get ground down Rhona.
With things that they've been through...and the frustration of being Asexual...it gets lonely and demoralizing.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
We all get ground down....
.....but opposites both attract and have similarities.
Trey as a member of a recognised minority will likely show similarities to a pearl created about a piece of grit but is Blayne's lack of sexually motivating grit recognised by others? To push the metaphor will Blayne reflect the light of Trey and others like a polished diamond?
I'm maybe seeing this as a meeting between an unseen individual and one who visually stands out. That is what a younger me can relate to.
Shine on Bailey
Rhona McCloud
“Thank you…so…much…”
sniffle ...
A little understanding, a little space.
Gender is everywhere, sex and sexuality is everywhere. It has to be so hard to deal with.
*Great Big Proud Angel Hugs*
Bailey Summers
sometimes
people just don't make sense. you just have to let them be.
thanks
Most times people make little sense.
And sometimes space is hard to come by especially when a lot of people wil press you to fing out the differences.
*Hugs and Howls*
Bailey Summers
People are just
Awkward full stop. There are so many you should and should not's from every body and there pet monkey. To many people try to make them selves feel normal by attacking other people's way of being them selves.
Thanks for shining some light of peaceful acceptance on a very painful and touchey subjects.
Huggles
Michele
With those with open eyes the world reads like a book
Exactly Misha!
And doubly so with something like this which is just as mis-perception loaded as being trans is.
*Great Big Amazing Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Been there before.....
I figured out in college that I am bi - and then spent the rest of my life pretending to be a hetero male. Two lies in one - I wasn't male, nor was I hetero.
So, the really interesting part was when I finally hit bottom and had to face up to who and what I really am, suddenly I wasn't really attracted to anyone. I spent the better part of two years not really feeling any attraction either direction. Thankfully, that's over!
I enjoyed the original Bailey, and this was a great expansion on the theme. Hope there'll be more!
Dallas
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Exactly Dallas...plain old binary people are actually rare.
We're all or most of us very varied and evolving and wonderful especially when we discover our own truths.
I met a lady since writing the 1rst one that was asex but she didn't know it. She loved her husband, she loved their kids but had never, ever loved having sex outside of her fantasies...with herself...doing her thing...but she loved her relationship so much that it was worth enduring the sex...he divorced her but when she figured it out she told me the pressure to be with someone based on sex...dropped off so much.
I think there might be a lot of people like that and that sex doesn't equate gender so there can be asexual trans people too.
Well worth exploring.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Thanks
Wow that is good.
I really like that one “How about I just don’t try to compute you at all?”
And yes, it's not easy to navigate into the grey with every body about into the rainbow of life around you.
Thanks Bailey for everything.
Peace and Love
Big Hugs tmf
So much Yes TMF... :)
When you feel like you're missing out on everyone around you and at the same time them questioning you.
Great line in this comment!
Peace and Love!
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
I've been interested in this subject...
since I came out to myself. I don't get myself. I know the medical reasons, but internally it still doesn't make sense on an emotional level. I appreciate this story on that merit alone.
I have a friend who is somewhat like this I think. I think I will refer him to this story and see what he thinks.
From what I found talking to people Wendy Jean it's like that.
There is no physical thing it sexuality or lack there of and it's like being gay/les/bi with there not being a choice and being so extremely frustrating.
More and more Frigid women, cold fish and dead stick people are turning out to be asexual now that we're learning more and more.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Please Continue
This story is fantastic Blayne could almost be a mirror for the emotional hell that some of us here go through. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
The answers to all of life's questions can be found in the face of a true friend
There's a lot of people caught in this hell.
And when you don't get it, don't know what's wrong...and no one else gets it either the Alonely gets so bad.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
I can really relate to this story.
Thank you Bailey for writing this story to explore life from an asexual perspective. there i a fair chance that I'm asexual. While I don't know for sure if I'm actually asexual or not, I'm keeping my options open and trying to keep an open mind about it. After all it still turn out that I'm bi or possibly lesbian. Why do I think that I could be asexual? Well, other than being sexually molested a few times as a child, I've never had sex. For some reason, I've just never been able to make a connection with anyone to even so much as even come close to having sex with someone. After a lot of soul searching, one thing became clear to me and that was that a big part of the problem is that I lack anything close to a male mating instinct. There's simply nothing there inside of me like that. Once I realized this fact, I began looking at the problem from the other side and realized that while I totally lack any male instincts, I do have female ones. It was my coming to understand this that I came to realize and accept that I am transgender. It was shortly after this that I committed to transitioning and took my first steps to do so. That was over 6 years ago now and I couldn't be happier with my progress. I haven't looked back once since I started on this journey. The only goal I have left is SRS. As to question as to whether or not I'm asexual? Well I'll have to wait to find out for sure once I've had SRS. there's just no way that I'm willing to try to have sex until I have the right equipment. The thought of anything else is unthinkable to me. Once again, thank you Bailey for exploring life from an asexual perspective, that's something that has not been done much if all.
Hugs,
Tamara Jeanne
Writing and exploration is important Tamara Jeanne.
I think that a really big part of writing more than one thing is to explore things out. I think here at BCTS it's especially so within the genders because transgender, binary, non-binary, asex, intersex, poly, pan, gay and lesbian experiences all cross the trans horizons here and we're better for trying or reading them.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers