The next days go by quickly. Bree, Cathy, and I become inseparable friends and go to the mall a several more times, only now to actually shop. On one trip, we split up for a while and I get Mom, Bree, Cathy, and Julie their Christmas presents. I find that I am approaching the shopping this year from a totally different frame of mind, though. Normally, as George, I would just rush out and grab something that looked ‘cool’ or that they ‘probably, maybe, would’ like. This year, I think about the person, what I know about them, how they feel, and find it fairly easy to pick out really personal gifts. None of them are expensive, but they are thoughtful.

In our family, it has always been the tradition to open our presents on Christmas Eve. So, when that magical night arrives, Mommy, Bree, and I are sitting around the tree in quiet reflection. We smile at each other and then Bree reaches under the tree and pulls out the first present. I find that receiving presents this year is as different as giving them. I find it easier to see the meaning behind the presents–well, the serious ones anyways. Mom always has given us a bunch of gag gifts, too. It is strange to get girly gag gifts, though. Bree, Mommy, and I all giggle as we open them.

When we have opened all of the gifts, Mom asks me to go pour the eggnog and cut Aunt Janet’s fruitcake. None of us like the fruitcake, but we eat a piece anyway, because it is an old family tradition. As we make faces and swallow our obligatory bite, Mommy, says, “Girls, it is like a new beginning for us this year. It is like I have a completely new set of twins; my Christmas Twins. I will always remember this special Christmas with my two daughters. And, no matter what you decide to ultimately do, Gwen, realize that this Christmas has really helped me, as well. I know your father would be proud of both of you!”

We all hug each other and cry together for a while, missing my Dad–it is a painful grieving, yes, but, for the first time, a truly healing one for all of us.

The next morning, Julie and Cathy stop by really quickly and we all exchange gifts. After another round of eggnog and two emphatic “No’s” on fruitcake, we all hug and then it is just back to the three of us for Christmas dinner.

That night, I reflect on the past several weeks as I lay in bed. I am still happy as Gwen–I am pretty sure that I made the right decision to give this a go. I just wish I could experience it like Bree is–with hormones. I know that is a slippery slope, but I feel left behind somehow…

Julie stops by the house and brings Cathy with her. It has been two days since Christmas and I am wearing the soft, fuzzy sweater that Julie gave me, still marveling at how soft it actually is. George could never wear anything like this. Julie smiles as she sees me in it and gives me a big hug, as she says, “Get ready, girls. Bree, I am going to drop you and Cathy off at the mall for a bit. I need to steal Gwen away for a while, though.”

I quietly wonder what is going on, but know that there is no sense in trying to pester it out of Julie. She won’t tell me until she is ready. Finally, after we drop off Bree and Cathy at the mall, she says, “OK, Gwen, I know you are dying to know what it is up. Cindy had a cancellation and she really wants to get your sessions going before you start school–so we are going over there now…”

My heart is beating hard as we enter the building that I had only been in a few times before; and then only because we were visiting Mommy. This time, I am here as a patient. Julie takes me to Mommy’s office. She gives me a hug and takes me to Dr. Greene’s office. Mom introduces me to her and I vaguely remember seeing her from when we were here once before.

Mom leaves me alone with Dr. Greene and she says, “Well, Gwen, please call me Cindy. I am pleased that we are finally getting to talk. Your Mom has told me a lot about you and your sister.” She gives me a cup of hot tea and continues, “I am not going to repeat all of the tests that you have already taken. Julie has filled me in on all of that. I just want to talk a while, OK? Why don’t you tell me about yourself?”

I spend the next thirty minutes talking about George and Gwen and my decision to give Gwen a try. Cindy asks, “I understand that you are a little sad that your sister is getting hormones and you are not. Is that true? You want them, even though you aren’t sure what you want for yourself, yet?” I nod, embarrassed, and say, “Well, yes. I would like to be able to develop into a grown-up. My sister will start soon; all of my former friends are turning into guys; I am sure the girls at our new school are; and I am going to be stuck looking like a kid for who knows how long…”

Cindy nods her head and says, “Gwen, I want you to meet Amanda.” She pushes a button and the receptionist brings a sad-looking, but pretty girl into the office. Cindy introduces us and says, “Amanda, would you please tell Gwen your story. She is in a similar situation, as you.”

Amanda nods and says, “Gwen, I understand that you are stuck in the middle of the male body you were born in and what to do with the conflicting genders in your head. I was in that same spot a couple of years ago. Unlike your sister, whom I understand is certain of who she is, or Cathy, who is too, you and I are truly somewhere in the middle. Yes, I still am. I was impatient, however, and got ahold of female hormones on my own. I almost died, because I did not know what I was doing. I made irreversible changes to my body that I wish I could take back. I am not happier because I forced my puberty…”

She starts crying and Cindy hugs her and thanks her for sharing her story. Cindy looks at me and says, “Gwen, I know it seems like an unfair situation to you–and it is. However, you need to be sure of what you want before you make changes that can’t be taken back.” I look at Amanda and feels tears of empathy forming in my own eyes–along with tears of frustration. I ask quietly, “But what if I can’t decide? What if I stay stuck in the middle?”

Cindy says, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it. Shall we? Give Gwen a try. Then go back to being George for a bit. Then we will see if one fits you better.”

Continued in Part 7.

This is a shorter installment, since things are a little chaotic around the house for the Holidays, but I promise to get a full installment to continue the story as soon as I can. :)

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all. Happy Holidays, if you do not celebrate Christmas.