I sigh–I am so confused. Everyone is looking at me in an expectant way. I sigh again and say, “It is true, Julie. Mom, I am sorry that I lied to you. I really thought it the best way to help Bree. If I had just come clean and told you, she would have hated me for a while–and denied it; but, now I know that you would have handled it. Being Gwen has taught me a lot. And there are a lot of things that I like about being Gwen. But I am not sure that I am Gwen. I am also not sure that I am George, either though… Does that make sense to you? It sure doesn’t to me!”

Julie looks at Mom, who comes over and hugs me again. She says, “Yes, Honey. What you are saying makes sense, although it is a really bad place to be. Here is the thing; it is up to you what you want to do right now. One thing to consider, though, is that you have spent fifteen years as a boy and you know what that is all about. You have now spent a few weeks as a girl, but in a highly sheltered atmosphere. You still don’t know fully what it means to be a girl, to go to school and have friends, or to have to really function as one. You could go ahead with the plans to go to St. Mary’s for a semester or two and see what it is like.”

She waits a beat, then continues, “Or, you can go back to being George right now and just continue back at your old school after Christmas. Your sister will be going to St. Mary’s, though, since that was my agreement with the school for you girls.” She waits a bit again, then finishes, “But, what you can’t do is go back and forth between being George and Gwen. You need to make a choice and stick to it for at least a few months before deciding to try something else.”

Bree comes over and takes my hand, as she says, “Sis, you took a big risk to help me and I love you for that. Now, you need to do the right thing for yourself. I hope that you will give Gwen a chance before you lock her away, though. I really feel down deep that you will regret not at least giving her a real shot–one for you, not for me.”

Julie chimes in and says, “You don’t have to decide right this minute, Sweetie. You can think about it a day or two, but you do need to decide something soon, since your Mom is right–switching back and forth is not good for you.”

I finish scooping out another dozen cookies and drop them on the cookie sheet. I put them in the oven and sigh. I am alone in the kitchen; Bree is getting her first real hormones and Mom and Julie are talking to her, while giving me some time alone to think. I am really confused about what to do. What Mommy and Bree said makes sense; to give Gwen a real chance that is.

I am scared to do it, though. I mean, while I was doing it to help Bree, she had me for support and I was focused on her. If I do it, it is completely different. Sure, Bree will support me, but she is not the strong one of us–and she is going to be dealing with hormones…

Julie comes in and smiles as she says, “Those cookies smell wonderful. You have turned into quite the successful baker and cook.” She takes a poignant pause and looks at me, just waiting to see if I want to say anything. I sigh and say, “Thank you. I really enjoy doing it and it helps me think.”

I pause a minute before I say, “Julie, I am scared. I think I want to give Gwen a try, but don’t know that I can really handle going full-time–in school and all. I mean that was never my intent when helping Bree. Just around here or going shopping with Mom and Bree, I don’t really have to interact much. And, when I do, it is with strangers…”

Julie takes my hands and says, “Hon, I think you are really brave and if you want to try it, I am sure that you will do much better than you think. But, I have an idea. I will bring someone over tomorrow for you to talk to–her name is Cathy and you have quite a bit in common with her…”

Mommy, Bree and I are sitting in the living room after Julie has left. I take a shaky breath and say, “OK, I think I have decided that I want to give Gwen a chance for a bit.” Bree squeals and comes over and squeezes me in a big hug. I playfully push her away and continue, “Julie said that she has someone that she wants me to talk to, because, honestly, I am a bit scared about this…”

Mommy squeezes my hand and says, “Sweetie, you are really a lot braver than you give yourself credit for. Look at the thing that you did for your sister–stupid as it was, it was very brave.” She smiles and continues, “If you are going to do this, I would like for you to commit to at least one semester at St. Mary’s. I would prefer longer to give you sufficient time to fully acclimate and know how you truly feel as Gwen, but that is up to you. We can revisit it when the semester is up.”

I nod, still really nervous, and say, “OK, I think I can live with that. Will I take hormones like Bree?” Mommy looks at me and asks, “Do you want to? I am not saying that I will agree to it, given your circumstances, but I would like to know what you are thinking.”

I sigh and say, “It was more a question than anything. I can’t say that I really want to take them, but how will I really know what it is like to be a girl without them?” Mom smiles and says, “Plenty of girls know what it is like to be a girl before they get hormones. It is different once you start puberty, though, I will admit. But, hormones cause changes to your body that can’t be reversed. Julie and I had a serious talk with Bree before I consented to giving them to her. Soon her body will start changing and there will be no going back…”

I nod at that and say, “I know. It will be hard to relate to her, though, if I don’t feel like she does.” Mom shakes her head and says, “Let’s put that on hold for now. I want you to talk to Cindy–and also to Cathy. Julie told me she wanted to introduce you two and I think it is a great idea. There are some options for you, but it is premature to consider them just yet… I will, however, keep you on the hormone blockers until you make a final decision on what you want to do.”

I answer the door and Julie comes in, a cute red-head, about Bree’s and my age, following close behind her. Julie introduces us, “Gwen, Bree, meet Cathy. Cathy this is Gwen…and Bree…” She points to each of us as she says our names. Cathy smiles easily and says, “Hi girls, it is nice to meet you.”

We go into the kitchen and I make us some hot cocoa, since it is really cold out today. As it is warming up, Julie says, “Bree, after we have our cocoa, I have some things I would like to discuss for my paper–just to make sure that I have it right. Gwen, can you keep Cathy company?” I smile and nod my head, as I say, “Sure. I think we should be fine.” Cathy giggles a little and says, “I am sure we will find something to occupy our time. Don’t worry, Aunt Julie.”

I raise my eyebrows at the ‘aunt’ and Julie says, “Cathy is my adoptive ‘niece’–we are not really related, but we have a sort of special relationship that just seemed like it needed to be formalized, you know?” I thoughtfully nod my head and pour the steaming cocoa into mugs and put some marshmallows on top to melt. I hand the mugs out and say, “Careful! It is really hot!”

Julie and Bree go into the dining room and Cathy and I sit at the kitchen table to sip our cocoa. After a few sips, Cathy says, “This is really good. It doesn’t taste like a mix, though.” I shake my head and say, “It is an old family recipe that Mommy showed me how to make. I find that I like to cook and bake…it is comforting.” Cathy nods and says, “So, Aunt Julie says that you are having some issues with your gender and maybe need to talk to someone your age that has been there? So…what would you like to know?”

My eyes must nearly pop out of my head. This girl is drop-dead gorgeous and has curves that just won’t quit. I feel more jealous than anything. I ask, “Don’t get me wrong, but you don’t look at all like you’ve ‘been there’.” I make air quotes with my fingers as I say it. She giggles and says, “Thanks! I will take that as a compliment. Almost two years ago, this was me.” She takes a picture out of her purse and shows it to me. It is a cute guy that could easily be her younger twin brother. She says, “Meet Craig. Craig was really conflicted about who he was and Aunt Julie helped me a lot when I was trying to figure out who I really was. Craig or Cathy.”

We talk for a couple of hours and Cathy tells me that Julie had noticed Craig’s conflict while administering a routine school test when she was doing a rotation there. She had convinced Craig to talk about it and had liaised with Dr. Greene to get him the help he needed, which eventually was to give Cathy a chance. She tells me how scared she was, but that after the first day, every day got better. She makes no bones about the fact that there are sometime problems with old friends or family, but that she is getting through that, as well.

I do feel much better after our talk. Julie and Bree come in just as we are coming to the end of our discussion and Julie says, “OK, girls. I think that a little mall therapy would be really good for all of you. You know, get out there and fight the crowds this close to Christmas. I will drop you off and pick you up when you are ready… Just three teen girls having some fun…”

Bree, Cathy and I walk the mall from one end to the other–and then back down the other side. We just look and try on things and make fun of each other… Cathy is fun and easy to talk to. I can’t believe it when she says that we should probably call Julie to pick us up, since we had been here five hours already. The time had just flown by. I can’t remember ever having so much fun at the mall. Not even with Joe and Fred at the arcade.

Julie picks us up twenty minutes later and asks, “So, did you girls have a good time?” We all giggle and start talking about some of the things we had done. Julie smiles and just listens to us chatter…

Continued in Part 6.