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A Grab-Bag of 100 Word Groaners
by Laika Pupkino
.
GHOST-NAD
.
Three months after her SRS, Michelle awoke before dawn
to see a glowing apparition above the foot of her bed...
It was a dick. A ghost dick!
It spoke in that warbling voice all ghosts use:
"Mi-i-ichael! I'm the ghost of your maaanhooood!
Yoooooou muuuuuuuuurdered meeeeeeeee!"
A well-aimed book hit the florescent dildo,
snapping the string it hung from.
"I know you're down there, Phyllis!"
A woman in pajamas stood up.
Michelle sighed, "Oh Honey ...... I know you hated my transitioning,
and don’t understand that I HAD to. But can't we discuss this
in the morning? Like grown-ups? Please?!"
.
.
MY SHAMEFUL SECRET...
I took the plunge today and wore it. Under my clothes. Slid it on in the bathroom,
where Janet wouldn't see.
Driving across town to work was a delicious thrill. Nobody could tell about my secret.
In the breakroom Bev and Miriam---who always acted like they found me somewhat creepy---were
chatting me up. Like my secret helped me connect with them. Just us girls.
The boss walked by. I should've known. He has a nose for these things.
He recoiled, "Good God, Hendricksen! Are you wearing women's deodorant?!"
My fetish is expanding. Now I have a pink slip...
.
.
T-GIRL, INTERRUPTIVE...
She's young, beautiful, totally passable. What does she see in an old chaser like me? Sigh :)...
But there is a downside. Wendy drinks. And then she...
Like when we saw PEARL HARBOR. She was sipping schnapps, and halfway through the picture was standing on her seat, shrieking, "KILL THE JAPS!!! KILL THE F*CKIN' JAPS!!!"
Embarrassing? Racist? God!!
Well it was a war movie, and she was into it. But next time I suggested something a bit
more ...... introspective. That English film about the widower, shyly courting the mousy librarian...
When suddenly Wendy jumps up, screaming, "KILL THE JAPS!!! KILL 'EM-"
.
.
A CHILD'S LETTER TO SANTA...
DEAR SANTA CLAUS:
I KNOW YOU ARE A MILLION YEARS OLD AND HAVE TO GO ALL OVER THE WORLD IN ONE NIGHT TO GIVE EVERYBODY PRESENTS. AND I KNOW SOMETIMES OLD PEOPLE DON'T HEAR GOOD, LIKE MY GRANMA WHO HAS A HERRING AID, AND MAYBE YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR HOUSE WITH THE POLER ICE MELTING AND EVERYTHING.
BUT I REALLY WISH YOU LISTNED BETTER WHEN I SAT ON YOUR LAP AT MACIES
AND TOLD YOU WHAT I WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS.
I SAID I WANTED A COCKATOO! NOT A COCK OR TWO!
SINCERLY,
MARCIA GREENBLATT
(THE GIRL WITH TWO DICKS)
.
.
REDUCTIO AD ABSURDUM...
(This non-t.g. drabble is about a condition known as
Body Integrity Identity Disorder, in which an able-bodied person
wishes to become an amputee, and sometimes sets about trying to become one.
As I have taken this concept to its logical extreme, some readers may find it disturbing...)
.
Nobody understood him. Even the people in his BIID support group recoiled when he told them.
That in particular hurt. They were "trans-abled" like him. They were supposed to understand...
Finally he found a surgeon at a small clinic in Africa willing to do the deed.
The heart-lung machine and glucose drip would provide oxygen, sustainance.
The artificial kidney, his eliminative functions.
The next day he was in ecstacy. At last he was whole. What he was always meant to be!
A disembodied head!
But later, without much to do but look in the mirror, he started noticing his nose...
.
.
THE DEADPAN DETECTIVES IN: THE CASE OF THE CATALEPTIC KATOYS
The fiend was taken away in handcuffs, ranting. A doctor was called in.
"Will they be okay, Doc?"
"Hard to tell. Toxicology isn't my specialty. Why would somebody do this? Takes all kinds, I guess."
Friday glared at him. "No it doesn't. Not this kind..."
The abandoned furniture store was a ghastly spectacle. Apparently the Thai transsexuals were lured to America with promises of employment. They'd been put in strange positions and paralyzed with curare
to form chairs, sofas, ottomans. A hundred eyeballs stared in helpless terror.
"Well now I've seen everything."
"What's that, Joe?"
"A Lady Boy Furniture Showroom..."
AND JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT,
A COUPLE OF NON-TG ONES...
.
THE HELLFIRE KID TELLS HIS TALE
by LAIKA PUPKINO
Some boys dream of becomin' ship captains, others jungle explorers. Maybe a few dream of bein' lamplighters. But my judgement was polluted by penny dreadfuls and tales of the Wild West. So when Satan offered me my heart's desire, I tole him t' make me an unbeatable gunfighter.
Shouldn'ta said unbeatable. After killing my first hundred men it warn't much fun. Once outta curiousity, I didn't even draw. Somehow th' feller shot an' kill't hisself!
I'm 90 now, and soon Old Scratch'll be claimin' my soul. But I was a legend in my day...
The Faustus Gun in the West
/
IN THE MUSEUM OF LITERARY DEVICES (a drabble)
As we entered the Museum of Literary Devices, Cliff and I left our coats on the narrative hooks. We watched in fascination as a native artisan operated a framing device. There was a big part of the museum we couldn't visit because some character broke the fourth wall.
We rode the Deus ex Machina a few times, then dangled our feet in the stream of consciousness whilst munching on plot twists.
As we were about to leave, Cliff approached an odd looking contraption.
I screamed, "No Cliff, don't stick your neck in there! That's a-"
[TO BE CONTINUED]
.
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Comments
You are just SO wrong
sometimes, Laika! But in that good and funny way. Like the mischievious uncle or bawdy aunt that your parents never want you to talk to.
Soooo Wrong!
I think Edeyn hit the hammer with the nail with her comment about this one! I got a good laugh and giggle from this one Laika. Whatever else anyone can accuse you of, not having a sense of humor isn't one of them. A warp one perhaps, but still it was funny!
hugs!
grover
Come On Laika
You can't mean to eliminate this drabble can you? Personally, I think this drabble could become a funny short story or series of drabbles.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
not eliminate, Stanman
Actually all I plan to do is stash it away in an already existing collection of drabbles. While I do like drabbles, posting each one individually is to me like using a whole shelf for just one can of tuna or something, and I've usually waited until I had written a few and then posted them all together. But now when I get one that I'm particularly proud of, that's more than just a delivery vehicle for a dumb pun
(like this one, inspired somehow by Jennifer Boylan's transition memoir She's Not There); I'll let it have its moment of glory on the front page before putting it into a compilation. The only problem is that people's comments get erased in the process. So I warn them, lest they wrack their brains writing some masterpiece of a comment that will vanish in a month's time...
~~~hugs, Laika
What borders on pure insanity?
Canada and Mexico.
.
Don't remove when you compile
Tell me and I can unpublish the post and move comments to the new thread. New capability.
- Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Funny Lady
Lovely Laika,
You're a total nutcase, but a funny one,
Hugs,
Joanne
I don't get it?
how can a floresant dildo on a string be a ghost? And how can it talk? what was Phyllis doing apparently on the floor in her pajamas?
May your funniness forever gain you laughs
A.A.
Gee Laika
Like we haven't all had that nightmare enough times
already when our wives were mad at us! If I had a
nickle...
Sarah Lynn
Applied Nit-Pickery
From the General Department of Applied Nitpickery comes this declaration that the title of this drabble makes no sense at all.
Clearly intended to be a pun on "Gonad", titling this "Ghost-Nad" misses an important point, to wit, the definition of gonad.
Gonad: A reproductive gland (ovary or testis) that produces germ cells (gametes).
While penises might be important to, or a source of fascination to, various people, they are not gonads. Neither are vaginas, prostates, wombs, urethras, nipples, fallopian tubes, vas deferens, belly buttons or earlobes, for that matter.
My ditzerie is really blooming today.
Oh my gosh. I thought Nad was some sort of English slang term. I even tried to look it up on google to see what it was. I had no idea what so ever. You know, when I came back from SRS, everyone thought I'd had extensive facial surgery. Now I am wondering. Maybe they activated my blonde gene. giggle.
Comments for Reductio Ad Absurdum
(The Drabble Formerly Known As "THE HORROR OF THE FLESH"...)
Tragedy
(Submitted by JENNIFER BROCK on Mon, 2008/06/02 - 10:32pm.)
Unfortunately surgical complications arose during his rhinectomy and he didn't make it.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
He should of quit while he was a head.
LOL!
(submitted by LAIKA on 2008/6/02)
THAT was better than my story!
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
~~~hugs, Laika
Just wait
Submitted by KRISTINA L S on Tue, 2008/06/03 - 12:07am.
until that nose starts itching.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
Kristina
He couldn't pick it
Submitted by JOANNEBARBARELLA on Tue, 2008/06/03 - 1:48am.
One less bad habit. good to see you back, Lovely Laika,
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
Hugs,
Joanne
while I feel
Submitted by RASUFELLE on Tue, 2008/06/03 - 4:08am.
for those who suffer from BIID as slightly seeing where they're coming from,
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
I hate to admit it but I found this to be hilarious, in a rather sad way.
Melanie E.
If only he though to
Submitted by AMYM on Tue, 2008/06/03 - 5:18am.
plan a head.I'd say you hit the nail on the head with his one.Amy
/Re-animator
Submitted by PIPPA K. on Tue, 2008/06/03 - 5:51am.
Congratulations, you've given me flashbacks to the 1985 horror movie. By the way,
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
the unrated version is actually shorter than the R-rated release. It just seems longer.
Actually, parts of that movie were pretty funny, in a gruesome sort of way.
I Ain't Got No Body
Submitted by Angela Rasch on Tue, 2008/06/03 - 9:21am.
And there's nobody, cares for me.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
What borders on pure insanity?
Canada and Mexico.
.
Previous comments
»Ooooohh..
Submitted by Michelle Wilder on Sat, 2008/01/26 - 1:50pm.
Two more terrified eyeballs... staring...
Make it stoopppp!
Michelle
»Laika, Very Cute, Very Cute Indeed
Submitted by stanman63 on Sat, 2008/01/26 - 1:52pm.
Will you ever try to expand these short Drabbles into full stories? You ha me laughing so hard that I almost fell out of my chair.
May Your Light Forever Shine
»Lovely Laika
Submitted by joannebarbarella on Sat, 2008/01/26 - 4:46pm.
Did they turn any of those ladyboys into pouffes? Giggle, no,snort, no, chortle!!
»eek
Submitted by Kristina L S on Sat, 2008/01/26 - 7:10pm.
the eyes, they follow you. And can you imagine sitting and trying to get comfortable, you'd need a pillow or two... at least.
Very clever Laika, you definitely have a way with slightly off the wall humour. Not sure I quite get the 'Japs' one though. Ah well I's a dummy. Gots ta laugh at yourself at times. Keep on.
Kristina
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.