Can I have some Brown Sugar for my Damper? Chapter 9.

Chapter 9.

I told Rudy the truth.

“I like you Rudy and that makes a lot of difference.”

It really, really does too.

I had all these thoughts and feelings of what it was like to be a transgendered woman that was really influenced by Sophie. I felt for the first time in my life right in my skin but it was missing things…feelings and connection.

I’m here tonight with Rudy and it’s just supper after a nice day out before we do the weekend and movies and Sam with us and talking and kissing and cuddling up.

Nothing you couldn’t find anyone else doing at any night of the week.

But actually I’ve never done this before.

And I’m full of happy girl angst.

Yeah angst or sort of. The very best of being torn between wanting passionate carnal sex with Rudy because he’s strong and built well. Then there’s this making out like a girl and a teen thing going on too and then there’s the fact that it’s so good just like this snuggled and held and doing this…just this.

Yeah it’s all good actually.

And he knows and he doesn’t care that I’m pre-op and he still likes me.

I look at him after pulling away from our kissing and taste my lips…it’s not just tasting him but there’s this wild tingle from kissing him in my lips. Honestly I’ve never really had that with someone in a hugely long time.

Like highschool.

Yes I had dated back then just it never really worked out and there were a few times when I got to kiss like that when I was young and full of hormones.

I guess now I’m not so young and I’m full of different hormones.

But it’s a really amazing feeling to have to lick and bite my lips and feel that tingle and that zip and the buzz of liking someone as a girl, as a woman.

My heart is seriously beating hard as I ask.

“You and Sam want to stay over?”

“You think we should?” He’s being serious.

Well he has to be really there’s his son involved and it’s really different when there’s kids involved.

Sam doesn’t even turn around. “Dad…can we, she gotta make a better breakfast than you do.”

“Hey!” Rudy plays the wounded dad bit and I’m giggling and he smiles at me.

The look and the strong soft way he does that makes me feel pretty. Like he likes what he see’s and it’s more than the body stuff. I know I pass…I know I’m lucky and I’m pretty and I paid money to do so and it’s something that was…well for me but…this look was right past the body stuff. This is that look between tow people and it still says…he likes what he see’s.

I bite my lip and tuck some hair out of the way and yes I’m nervously fidgeting and stuff until he leans over and he kisses me. “We can definitely give it a try.”

Okay part of me does this little swoon thing along with a happy rush and I kiss him back and I hug him tightly.

God I love the way that his hard body feels pressed to me.

Rudy actually pulls me over into his lap and he holds me while we all watch the DVD’s and then when we’re done I get the blankets and stuff made up for Sam on the sofa and leave the bathroom light on and then I go to my room and get it ready and stuff while Rudy and him are talking and I do give myself a tiny little shot of perfume into some lotion and I’m debating how I should dress to got to bed.

I’m actually running all these ideas on what I should wear in my head and whether or not I should wear my lingerie and try to be sexy or just…

I jump and squeak when he slips his arms around me from behind and holds me around my waist.

“Let’s go to bed.”

“I…I wanted to figure out what to dress in.”

“Morgan…”

“Yes…?”

“Just dress the way that you’d dress normally. I just want you I don’t need more.”

“I wanted to be sexy for you with this being our first time in bed together.”

Rudy turns me around and he looks at me.

“Well I find you sexy in your glasses, I find you sexy in your scrubs when you’re at work, I adore you in those ratty old sweats with the holes in them you wear to do the washing and I find you sexy when your hair’s all messy and you haven’t had a cup of coffee yet.”

Oh dammit he made me jaw tremble…that was…just.

He’s kissing me again and we sort of do that walk and waltz around my room doing that and we break it and he….he…reaches up and does the sexiest thing any one has ever done and that’s pull the bobbi-pins out of my hair and with each one he’s using my fingers to free up my hair from where I had it in place.

“Can you wear something if I ask you to?”

I nod. “Oh…definitely yes…what?”

He smiles and raises his eyebrows at my ‘oh definitely’ and kisses me again. “Wear that black Led Zeppelin t-shirt I’ve seen you come down stairs wearing in the mornings.”

“That’s it?”

“Bottoms are you’re choice but yeah, we have the time Morgan…you want to wow me sometime we can do that…Sam can stay with my folks the night and we can have a romantic night and everything but we can wait for it…for when you want to do that.”

“Really?”

“Yes really you’re sexy as all-get-out anyhow and I love the way that you look in that shirt.”

“Okay…I’ll, I’ll be right back.”

I get the said t-shirt and it’s one of my brothers and it is big enough or rather I’m small enough that it does the sorta short night shirt thing ending about halfway down my butt and I get some pajama bottoms and slip into the bathroom and it’s a minute or two of me almost crying because of what he said and I’m almost happy hugging myself.

I know he’s just wanting me to be me and that he has been through some stuff himself that seems to have left him with a kind of a low tolerance for snobby kind of stiff and that he’s not just looking for someone real for himself but for Sam too.

But to me…on my end…Sophie was so fake…the way she was with our so called friends and stuff and just that whole crowd.

And I lived that and I was choking on that has to be “Juste-comme-la.” Life style she and they had it was like being in a room over a garage made to be pretty and fancy and for entertaining and being praised and I’m the only one that was choking on the car exhaust.

It’s kind of a really big thing and one that feels so good to have someone want me that way, just me and to have the option for lingerie and naked…and all that serious stuff just handed to me with a…. when we’re ready.

And it’s really kind of sobering to be in a real adult respectful relationship.

And it’s wonderful that he has noticed all those things he just told me too.

I slip Matt’s old t-shirt on like it’s a blessing and finger it a minute smiling at it and thanking him in my head if this is in anyway him helping me out. Then I get into my bottoms and I brush my teeth and come out looking at him.

Oh…

He’s undressed himself down to a pair of grey boxer briefs and while he’s not absolutely ripped he has a great body.

Actually in my opinion he could give guys like Curtis Stone and Simon Baker a run for their money.

I was not expecting that though or my reaction to seeing it all.

He actually blushes at me stopping. “Sorry I can put my pant’s back on.”

“No…definitely not.”

“Definitely not?’

“Yes, Definitely not…I really like what I see.”

“You do?”

I nod. “I’m still really getting used to it though…I started my transition in a whole other place…I had a wife.”

“And now?”

“And now I like what I see.”

I go over and run my fingers through his chest hair some and there’s not a lot and it’s so strange because me and me being hairy is really kind of not me…ever but there’s this electric tickle in my fingertips that I’m getting.

I reach down and take him by the hand and walk and lead him to my bed and I get in and pull him in with me.

“I mean it’s new Rudy, but it’s real in a whole new way for me too.”

He nods and he kisses me and I reach and feel for the lamp and switch it off. “I’m glad we’re doing this, this speed Morgan.”

“Me too…it means a lot.”

We snuggle into each other and we move around and we actually trade places with me rolling over him until we’re kind of finally at where we’re used to sort of sleeping at and then it’s just magical.

A few more little kisses, his arm around my waist and….

I wake up smelling breakfast.

I’ve never slept like that in my life.

I have one of those brains that unless I’m exhausted it takes my brain an hour or more before it shuts down enough to try sleep and that’s if I don’t wake myself up. I have bad dreams sometimes…Sophie is there a lot especially if I’m stressed…sometimes their bad with her sometimes they’re good-bad dreams…you know where you dream an ex is a far better person that you know in reality they’s ever be and that’s when missing them hits.

A few are of the jerk she tried to set me up with, sometimes family stuff and even some bad dreams about my surgery.

It’s really just typical still getting over relationship stress disorder stuff and the rest is sort of trans issue stuff but last night.

I remember him slipping his arm around me and then I was gone and out like a light.

I get up as I hear my juicer going and I head downstairs after a quick peak in my mirror and a fast brush through my hair.

Wow…9:22 by my bathroom clock.

Rudy’s up and in my kitchen and Sam’s up too and he’s already in these shorts and a kid’s sized Hawaiian shirt and he’s feeding oranges into the juicer and I can smell bacon cooking and coffee perking on the stove.

I love when he does that I missed his on the stove top coffee perk, Rudy makes the best coffee.

“Morning guys…sorry, I was going to get up and cook breakfast for you.”

Rudy pours me a coffee and kisses me as he puts it in my hands.

“You were dead to the world, I wasn’t about to wake you.”

“So were you dad. I’da starved if I’da waited fer you two to wake up.” Sam crows at him and Rudy blushes a little.

“Okay, that’s true I slept like a baby too but I still didn’t want to wake you.”

I kiss him and then take a sip of his coffee and I smile…it’s first sip smile worthy.

“Honestly I can’t remember sleeping like that.”

He smiles like I just gave him something nice, something special and he nods then takes some bread styled biscuits out of the oven and looks at me.

“It’s been too long for me too Morgan, to hold someone…no to actually have someone to hang onto for a change…it was pretty great.”

“It was?”

“Yeah it’s been like I’ve been treadin water for a long time and then you come along instead of all the garbage out there and holding you was like getting a hold of a life boat.”

“Rudy…”

He’s still smiling or giving off that guy happy feeling and he puts me together some breakfast…a biscuit cut in two and buttered, thick cut bacon but in short strips to fir on the biscuit and there’s a poached egg for each side and he made hollandaise?

“Eggs benny?”

“Sorta my take on it but yeah.”

I eat and it’s the sauce that does it, he replaced the lemon with another citrus or something and there’s some shaved red hot pepper in it just to wake me up but the egg all sort of calms it down.

“You’re a good cook.”

“Well I try, you bachelor it enough you get tired of a lot of things quickly.”

Sam laughs and he does that kid two handed careful carry over the pitcher of orange juice and then he whispers to me loudly.

“He’s not that good a cook but you’re special you got the girlfriend eggs.”

Rudy turns beet red and I can’t help but laugh.

We eat and we do the dishes and it’s just this good kind of warm calm all morning and then we pack up his truck and we set out for our day at the beach. It’s not even really out of the city really and home even back in the maritimes you’d have an hour to get to a really nice beach.

We pull into Sutton’s beach and my heart does this OH….

This is one of those times that just drives home to me that I’m in a whole new place…and that it’s a really beautiful place.

I look out at all the water and the place is amazing…the water this really nice beach but there is this park built right to the edge of the beach with these pagoda like camping places with tables and a BBQ pit and there’s all this really kid friendly stuff to play on here and even going from the grass to the water there’s this concrete boardwalk and benches and even the trees…they have these wonderfully tall trees here that just make it even more of a scenic wonderland.

I have actually never been to a beach this nice in my life…not even home.

I slip off to go and get changed and the boys are setting things up for the day.

Thirty plus years.

Thirty plus years and I think that I’ve finally found my way home.

I really…

Thank you Matt…Just Thank You.