Walking in Beckys Shoes — Chapter 10
By
Julie D Cole

‘’Well first of all let’s get you home you have some explaining to do. Where is your change of clothes? Are you going to change now or later?’
‘’Mum I can’t since I’ve left them behind in a bag in a shop doorway. Can we go get them on the way home since my wallet is in my pocket and it has my credit card and some cash inside?’
‘’Oh no that’s all we need come on show me where. You can explain some of this on the way. I just knew something was going on young man.’’
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Mum didn’t speak much until we arrived at the car in the parking lot. It was well lit and it seemed like daylight so I was in full view as she looked at me.
‘Make-up, breasts, hair, slim like your sister. You are every bit a young woman and no doubt you think I didn’t know or suspect anything did you? Is this something you feel that you have to do? Did you think I hadn’t noticed the change in you these last few years or the clues that you leave behind?’
‘Mum, I’m sorry but I didn’t think anything at all this is all an accident tonight and I should never have agreed with Nick to take this chance It was stupid.’

“I’m not talking about just tonight and you were lucky it wasn’t you lying in that bed. You’ve never had the training that all girls get as they grow up. Boys are much safer and don’t sense danger when out alone. You are all girl dressed like that and you won’t have a clue about men and their behavior. Not many men are as mild as you. ‘

‘Mum I’m sorry I was confused and I let things go too far.’

‘So how long have you had this passion you seem to have to dress in your sister’s clothes?’

‘Not long mum. At first it was a bit of fun on a rainy day I was bored.’

‘Look Becky even your sister noticed things were being moved around and were being worn from time to time. We were both getting concerned and she asked about you last time she came home because she meets men who cross-dress regularly at University in her drama club.’

.But she never saw me mum did she? So she must be guessing. ‘

‘I saw you myself flitting between the bathroom and bedroom one night. I thought it was Rebecca for a moment. You gave me quite a turn. I decided to say nothing in case it was a one off.’

‘Mum I’m sorry I don’t know what to say. Yes I borrowed some things occasionally and yes I like to see myself dressed up rather than plain boring me. I feel different and more confident like this and I don’t have to try to act tough. I can be me.’

‘Look Becky this is more common than you think so do you want to talk?’

‘Nobody likes me as a whimp. I can’t help it I’m useless as a boy. Like this I made friends and my work at school has improved. It’s like I’m a different person. ‘

Mum looked me straight in the eye and then stepped forward and hugged me. I hugged her so tightly she complained that she couldn’t breathe. Her breasts were warm and it was so long since I’d felt the comfort even through my own imitations. How wonderful it must be to have the ability to take someone to your breasts and give them warmth and to connect with them and make them part of you. I felt tears of relief as her warmth engulfed me. ‘

‘Mum I’m so sorry but this is how I dress when I study with Millie and I’ve been going out like this for quite a while. She’s not my girlfriend she’s my girlfriend if you know what I mean. We get on great. Well we did until tonight. She seemed so jealous of my relationship with Nick but he’s my mate. He is the one true friend I have at school who has treated me as normal. He’s great and we get on great. I like Millie too. They are both great and I think dressing like this and being Becky gave me confidence. I felt sorry for Millie. I never intended to get close or to mislead her but she needed me. She was lonely like I was lonely.’

Mum hugged me again and the tears flowed down my cheeks. God knows what I must look like with mascara all over my face but I didn’t have to worry as mum took a tissue from her bag and helped me tidy up. ‘That’s the second time tonight I’ve seen I have another daughter. You are very beautiful you know just like your sister. Must be my side of the family in you not your dads.’

We smiled and the smiles turned to grins and then we were laughing. “Oh yes you are truly another Hennessey just like Rebecca and you are so pretty when the tears flow. We’ll have to just see how we can help. I think some mom and daughter time might not be such a bad thing occasionally. I do miss Rebecca for the girly things we’ve done together and I feel bad that you never had the same chance to do the things we did. Being a young woman and going through the body changes is not as nice as you might think though and a daughter needs a mum to help understand what’s going on.’

‘Mum I know and I saw. I never had chance to cuddle up on the sofa and chat or to express my feelings. I have been confused and I wanted the stomach cramps and to sit and cry watching a movie just to get chance to be close to you. It was horrible to feel that I couldn’t hug you or kiss you or call you mummy like Rebecca did. I felt like I wasn’t part of you.’

‘Don’t be so silly. I’m so sorry of course I loved you just as much but Rebecca did have a bad time as she went through puberty just like I did so she needed me. She is just my daughter and you’re my son. Well now maybe you are more than that so you can make up for lost time if you want. Let’s see how things go and as long as you aren’t going to be hurt I’ll help you through it. “

‘Mum right now I don’t want to be viewed as a freak. I am comfortable dressed like this and the longer the better. I never wanted to hide or to mislead you. I just wanted to experiment and I found that I enjoy it.’
“Huh, of course dear don’t take what I said too literally I meant I’ll help you and maybe I can get more time to relax if you spend a little more time as a second daughter.’

‘What do you mean? You mean you wouldn’t mind?’

‘Just think on it’s not all upside for a young woman. Part of our responsibility is doing daily chores you know. It’s not all about being beautiful and preening in front of the mirror. There are plenty of things we can do together that will make you see life from a woman’s point of view. Maybe this is what you need. It is payback time. Don’t you agree that you deserve some sort of punishment for your misbehavior? ”

It was such a relief at last to feel I didn’t have to hide anymore. Maybe mom could accept me like this if I agreed to help at home. Maybe I could be Becky at home. Maybe this would be enough to make me feel better. I just stared out of the window with these thoughts going through my head.

Soon we were turning into the High Street and I pointed to the shop. It was a double yellow line but who cares at this time. This was an emergency. Aghh no bag. Had I really left it there or somewhere else? ‘’Blast. Damn and blast!

Mom got out of the car. “Are you sure dear. Is this definitely where you left it and where you changed. Why a shop doorway? I don’t know. What on earth were you thinking? Look there is a security camera up there so no doubt somebody will see who took the bag. We have two choices. Either we report it to the police or we just cancel your credit card and give up the bag and the clothes. ‘which do you want?’

“Mom wait a minute. There look. It’s inside the shop on the shelf behind the counter. It’s definitely my bag. Somebody found it and took it inside. Maybe we just leave it and cancel the card.’

‘Well the better option is to face up to it. The wallet contains all your details so you can’t hope everything just blows over. We have to come back to see the shop owner and explain. Truth is best. Everything is recorded anyway so just face up to it. It’s not like you committed a crime. I can come with you if you like, it’s up to you.’

‘I’m not sure.’

‘Come on and think about it I’m dying for a cup of tea. I left the bar tonight and only had one sip of the cup I’d made and we got nothing at the hospital. ‘

We were soon home and I ran upstairs wanting to change. Mom shouted after me not to dare come back down as her son but come back down as her daughter so I just headed to the bathroom and sorted out my face. I tidied up my figure a bit. Mum had almost squashed the life out of my bosoms. Soon I looked human again and I headed back downstairs and with each step the feeling that I needed mum not to laugh intensified. I didn’t need to worry although I did take care not to lose the bust that mum admired as she hugged me again.

‘Honey is that all you? We’ll have to help you develop a bit more and maybe send your sister a photo or too so she can see how much alike you are.”

We shared some tea and chatted for ages and made plans for how I might handle things with Nick and with Millie. Both were challenges I needed to face and I’d no idea how they would react. But at least I went to bed without my bedroom door locked and I didn’t now have to hide from mom.

I lay in my bed and stared out of the window looking at the clear sky dotted with stars. For the first time I’d been brave enough to stand and look out with my bed side light on wearing a silk nightdress. For some reason I didn’t care if I was seen. Mum knew already and so did Rebecca.

I hoped this would be my chance to step out and right then I almost wanted to be noticed. Surely nobody could ever feel any better than I did just then. My tummy was turning over and my hands were shaking slightly. I felt weak and sad because poor Nick was laid in bed sedated and yet here I was feeling on top of the world. Surely nobody else could feel like I did then.

It is the strangest feeling to find yourself and feel chance to experience what it’s like to be the person that you really are. It had been a weird evening and I’d wanted to shout out but at the same time I also wanted to run and hide.

My phone bleeped. It was a message from Millie to say how sorry she was that she had been awful to me and letting me know that Nick had woken up and said that he’d had a strange dream and that he’d seen a girl he’d been searching for. I called her immediately and she said now she accepted that I wasn’t his girlfriend because he fancied a stranger who he hadn’t even met.

It was a bit of a shock at first but then I was sure that he must not have recognized me at his bedside in his state of confusion. Somehow I wanted him to have seen me and realized it was me. I guess I was dreaming even though I was still wide awake. ‘Becky are you still there. Are you listening to me?’

“Of course Millie I heard you and I’m glad we didn’t fall out. I would never have gone behind your back and I’m sorry that you feel rejected. Don’t think about it and let Nick get well and then maybe this girl will disappear as fast as she came. But it could be just his imagination because it was me at his bedside not this other girl he seems to crave after. It’s not a nice feeling to find somebody is looking at you but they have eyes for somebody else. Even the hots for them.’

We finished the call and agreed to meet the following day after I’d been somewhere with my mom. I needed to get my bag back and I wanted to go see Nick but the question was who would go? Dare this be me walking in Becky’s shoes and should I find my own name now since hopefully mom and I were going to spend time together? So I finally lay back and closed my eyes to think about the challenges that lay ahead of me. Do I or don’t I? Should I or shouldn’t I? Can I or can’t I
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That night I had the most wonderful dream. Nick and I were at the cinema and we were sharing popcorn and he had his arm around me. The film was a wonderful romantic movie about a girl who travelled to Ireland to propose to her boyfriend because it was Leap Year. The girl had red hair but it was me. The boy she was proposing to looked like someone I’d seen before. The guy who was helping her to go meet him in Dublin looked like Nick. He was tall and slim and I turned to Nick to tell him and he just laughed and gave me a sticky popcorn kiss. I’d never been kissed by a boy before and I liked it. In fact it was the most perfect kiss. I didn’t want it to stop and somebody was pulling me away from him. Then I woke up.

It was mum trying to wake me up and I hadn’t responded to the alarm or her shouts from downstairs. I sat up in bed. She smiled and turned to look out of the window whilst I tidied myself. One thing for sure was that the nightdress wasn’t covering everything and I’d not woken up so rigid for many a long time.

Come on young lady it’s time to get ready. Let’s get you back into your normal clothes so quick get showered and come and eat your cereals. ‘Mom I don’t want too much please. I had a really nice dream. Thanks for tolerating me. Is it still OK to be Becky when I come home tonight?

‘Yes dear of course it is. We have lots to discuss but I won’t be home from work until 10pm or so. Are you going to collect your bag and maybe even to see Nick?
‘Yes mom both as well as seeing Millie. She sent a message last night and we had a good chat. I need to see her too because she thinks Nick is chasing after someone else so she is relieved. But mom it was me who he saw. But he didn’t know it was me. God now what do I do? He is chasing someone that doesn’t exist.’

‘Well you made your bed now I guess you have to lie in it. You’ll work something out. I’m sure that you won’t rush into anything. I’m going to call Rebecca later and have a chat. After I send her the photos of course.’

“Yes mom that’s another thing I decided. You can’t have two Beckys so is it OK if you ask Rebecca if she’ll use that name whilst I use Becky. If she objects then I’ll try to find another name that fits my style.’

‘What style is that then? Scruffy and unwashed? Are you ever going to get ready or are you going to sit there gossiping all day?’

Maybe to be continued ………………………….. I hope so.