Encrypted-17

Chapter 17

To me movies were an odd thing for me. I never really got the chance to be into them like other people because mostly growing up all we had was a poor example of a video store and there was the fact that anything fantasy or science fiction was “that foolishness.” And I had my “head in the clouds enough as it is.”

So being with Brandy and just curled up together watching movies that I’ve never seen before is a huge treat and it’s revealing worlds to me that I really just never got a chance to see before.

I’ve been to the movies a few times since living here in Toronto and I’ve rented and I had bought some but it’s so different now with the way I see and feel things actually being my female self. Seeing life that differently and feeling things like I am is just…

I need to be a girl…a woman.

To fully transition because when you have a big girly cry on your girlfriends breasts because you’re crying over a fictional character dying I’m feeling so explicitly female that I know this is what I need.

Just like I needed the way that Brandy tilts my face up to hers and she looks me in the eyes and she uses her thumb to wipe away the tears there and she kisses me deeply.

I’m so new to things still and still not good with just so much but as weird and of compared to others I am I do really love being kissed.

She’s so strong and so soft at the same time and so beautiful that I want her as much as I want to be like Brandy. It’s not a thing were two separate genders are meeting but this other thing like this deep connected pair bonding.

She’s the other half of my equation.

And not all equations need a positive or a negative number to succeed.

Yes…I like that yes, sometimes right is just right and that can’t be changed by another person’s value system.

I really like that line of thought.

It’s still not quite there with her kissing me or my breasts overflowing with pleasurable sensations as she lays me down on the carpet and then goes from using her hands to bring me such pleasure to her mouth too.

“Brandy…Brandy…blanket…”

“Blanket…Oh yeah rug burn…” She grabs the blanket from the couch and gets it under us all the while still kissing me and making me feel loved and lovely. I love the fact that she can multitask in ways I never can.

“No..no…we don’t have a carpet cleaner.”

It takes a few seconds and then she’s laughing, laughing and kissing me. I even get why and smile sheepishly. I Have to…Have to wash and clean things after sex…It’s not that sex is disgusting and stuff. It’s just I can’t leave a mess…dishes…laundry…I need fresh bed clothes every night.

But Brandy gets me…and that’s likely the best and most romantic thing in the world.

She loves me, she touches me, tastes me…savors me then fills me with love and light and heat…

I get awash with so many feelings.

I had never had intimacy before, it never remotely occurred to me that things like being touched would be pleasurable as much as they are.

And not in what would be the standard erogenous zones either…the small of my back, my sides, my legs….oh I like it when she touches my legs and lifts one to run her hands, her touch over them but also delightfully down from my ankle to calves and under things and inner thighs.

It feels so good and it makes me want to wear pantyhose and stockings just for those sensations…it makes my legs feel female…lusted after, sexy even?

Sexy is a very hard thing for me to quantify in regards to myself.

Foreplay is getting increasingly excellent and I’m needing to turn on my signal gain from my sexual pleasure nerves less…until frankly I get wanton and sexually greedy for that feeling more and more.

I hope we get to owning sexual aides after we transition…I like being filled…I’m unsure if fingers alone will be enough but…Brandy sinking into me taking me to this amazing peak of two people becoming so entangled.

And it can’t be a man.

I cannot see myself being filled like this and made love to by such a being.

It’s as they say ick….but the only man I’ve ever known really is my father. And his hardness was not sexual it was…

Unacceptance of his strange child, it was hard and cold indifference after awhile as well and that hurt me somewhere inside where I don’t know how to get to yet.

It’s like an undiagnosed car problem. I can feel my tires wobble now and then but don’t know why.

But men, men sexually seem too…hard, solid…hurtful…if I open up like that they will hurt me I think. Maybe by just being men?

Brandy is totally different than that ever since her first moments of kindness and acceptance with me.

If my heart and soul are quantifiable things than surely she’s part of them.

I know it’s odd these thoughts in my head and how off and maybe even kind of too analytical to see loving and erotic but I’m crying as we’re being together…swooning as she kisses me and smiling because of feeling like I have a place in this word.

That’s a Brandy truth to me.

I’d never considered that my place in the world wasn’t where I was physically at. I lived in literals and often still do. Whatever was missing was evidently meant to be true and right because I knew that I wasn’t like other people.

That’s the really as they say shitty thing about ASP and borderline Autistics. We known that we’re messed up. We know that we’re not like you and are strange and different. No we can’t change that either, we are very much who we are. Even me with my current changes I’m still me, still messed up in my own ways and always will be.

We know it and it sucks.

But Brandy changed that for me.

Finding or being found by someone that loves you regardless changes all the variables you are used to knowing. It’s scary and unfamiliar but it is possible and once you get used to seeing the value in that line of your life getting solved…

I have a real place in the world.

I’m not a theoretical equation in my own head anymore.

I love.

I touch.

I interact.

Oh…I arch and a moan escapes me as Brandy’s long sweet tender strokes bring my to orgasm it’s like a crazy ride and this fusion of the way I have this happen as a male and the other way I’ve been experiencing pleasure…before they’ve been separate…this was getting closer into being linked, bridged together.

It was like that male ejaculation was shooting up in that high but on the way down was something else as powerful like coming down but inside a roller coaster.

I’m panting with my body pressed to Brandy’s.

“Wow…Maddy…I love the way you move…You’re so beautiful, even more so when you’re doing that it’s like you blossom so much.”

I blush even while panting and I look up and kiss her softly and sweetly before it’s her turn…

I’m getting better with my mouth and enjoying it more and more…It’s womanly and sexy in a way…I’ll never do this for anyone else but it’s something I want to be good at for while “Penny” is still there and even better when we’re in our right phases.

I increase her signal gain…I kill my gag reflex…control my breathing ad turn on what I need to wake “Jane” up and get her hard.

The use of female pronouns does help.

But I don’t need a lot of help loving her.

Even inside Brandy I don’t feel male, I don’t feel like a guy but actually very female as It’s just location…just parts and not the real us at all.

She makes me feel loved, so loved and beautiful.

This time and the second longer, slower time with our toys in a hot sweet feminine smell bubble bath.

Using the…Oh I can’t really say that… the sex aids…together on each other at the same time as our girl outties tangoed in the slippery soap and our breasts too was this perfect and true lesbian real girl moment and we bond more…kiss, cry, stroke and hold each other as I feel our math adjusting. It does too…the more you are with someone the more that you change each other. You’re variables leak over and I suspect it’s all connected, that we’re all connected in a way I don’t think we can really imagine.

I’m not sure about god but seeing this, feeling it actually there like realizing a basic tenant of the universe is sort of like as close as I can get, I mean understand.

We fall into this deep beautiful snuggle as I set my internal clock to wake up early.

We wake up early with just plenty of time to get ready. Brandy is packing things for the night’s stay and she’s really, really stressing over her look for the day.

“Brandy it’s okay we’re just going to the airport and then flying out.”

She looks at me she’s smiling but still nervous. “But we’re flying first class Madds, like with the whole rich folks and the classy people.”

I slip over and kiss her pretty sure that it’s right. “Rich is no indication of class Brandy, you are a very beautiful, sexy and classy lady.”

“Madison…I‘m a transgendered exotic dancer.”

“It’s still true…you’re kind, caring and sweet. You have a beautiful heart and money can’t ever buy that.”

She kisses me and I kiss her. “You’re getting all wise these days.”

I shrug. “I might not get people well or often but truth is truth.”

We get dressed and I am still feeling that need of feeling my legs in stockings from Brandy last night and I’m wearing these really nice feeling thigh highs with the garter belt and the stays and a nice bra. It’s amazing the way that they seem to be a kind of foundation garment for me. The tightness, the cling, the feeling isn’t just sexy ad feminine but securing. Add in a nice blouse and skirt and a dress jacket shoes and jewelry and make-up I feel so much better, so actually put together.

I’m smiling and waiting watching Brandy getting dressed like me in her business look that’s just this side of porn secretary and I close my eyes and feel…my code is flowing differently, Smoother like…? I’m not sure…But I feel so much more calmer like this.

Right up until Brandy is trying to keep me calm as we’re taking a cab through the city to the airport.

Have you ever been in a Toronto taxi? I know it sounds like rhetorical question but…I’m whining a little and I really want…

“What baby?” Brandy asks.

“I want a Hazmat suit.”

“It’s not that bad Maddy.”

I look at her almost incredulously. “Brandy, I’m a human being and I can actually smell like dozens of different thing and oh…ugh…at least eight of them are biologicals…and not including him….I think he‘s at least five of them.”

She’s trying to calm me down and not to laugh at me at the same time. I’m glad for that as much as I’m triply glad for the clean wipes she has in her purse and I’m so busy self defense cleaning it takes a lot to have me look up at the horror that is this Armenian fellows driving…or driving and swearing, and when we’re trapped too far out to abandon the cab and stuck in traffic he starts smoking…and eating!

The mixture of the smell of the greasy whatever, him, his infestations, the smoke almost has me bolting…I’m actually sort of gasping and gagging and the nightmare of the cab ride to the airport is only equaled to the sheer hell that’s the airport.

I was beginning to doubt going on this trip.

I’m stand with our bags and staring into the abyss.

“Oh holy fuck.”

“Maddie!” Brandy squeals and giggles staring at me.

“No…no…Brandy that…that Armenian homunculus dropped us off at the wrong place.”

“No baby he didn’t this Is the airport.”

“You’re joking…”

“No…come on honey.” She leads me into the chaos. It is chaos…I’m not good with crowds, I’m not good with people and disorganisation and people who are lost in the clouds of self-absorbed and ignoring their children and just…

“You’d think that the whole concept of the aeronautical transportation industry would be mathematical and ordered and efficient…soothing but no…no we have this…and this…and that…” I know I not being calm or nice but it’s just so much.

I gesture at a bunch of children that are tugging at their parents who are ignoring them while one stares vacantly at the screens and another is texting. “Like misbehaving Jawas, Welcome to Pearson International Airport…a wretched hive of scum and villainy.”

Brandy stares at me. “Madison what are you talking about it’s fine.”

It’s thankfully over fast.

Oh first class is horribly expensive when you really look at it.

I’m never flying anything else once we get checked in we actually get out of there to wait for our flight in a quiet clean lounge until our call. We’re boarded first and taken to these really great seats and we’re actually enjoying it and I’m decompressing once we’re in out seats and using my phone while we’re on the ground I’m getting our hotel to send us a car with a driver…a private car company and a clean one.

Brandy and I barely touch our drinks.

We’ve never flow before and the plane goes up and we get to see a bit of Toronto from up high before we leave it behind and we climb and climb and we see The Great Lakes…I’ve lived here for years and never seen it like this.

I get why as a species we strived for flight.

It doesn’t get old as we go over the prairies and I do look to see home. I can’t really it’s too small but at the same time it’s there in the patchwork.

I seriously think the thing that made things well worth the entire day was us coming up and over The Rockies and I see everything like the forests and then the Pacific.

We’re both looking at all of it neither having seen the mountains or the ocean before and I would probable never have if we haven’t fallen in love, if she never found and rescued me.

And there’s this whole landing we miss as we lean in and kiss each other long and sweetly and slowly and sinking our fingers into each others and…

I really recommend fall in love kissing as you’re coming in for a landing…

The synchronicity between the emotions and the sensation of physics in action and the whole excitement of our trip is just.

I feel us touch down and we break the kissing blushing and we grab our bags from the overhead and we head out of the plane. Fingers interlaced again and smiling and blushing at some of the looks and even smiles the we’re getting as we make our way to the curbside to get picked up.

Brandy looks at me her eyes just shining with excitement and…I’ve seen her happy before but this is like a happy moment that hit and stuck.

That’s a nice thought…happy sticking around.

“We’re really here aren’t we Maddy?”

“Yes, we are…” Okay I’m confused a little and looking around. “Where else should we be?”

“No babe…I just…part of me thought nothing in my life would be different, that’s nothing would change.”

“Things always change, change is constant.”

She looks at me with that loving look and pulls me in with our linked hand and kisses me softly, slowly, deeply and passionately and her lipstick and mine gliding over each other is so…and the emotional way she’s kissing me is so…

My right leg rises a little bit by bit until my shoe dangles by my stockinged toes.

Oh Sigh…