This started because of comments in Aechel's blog. :)

Deadpan Detectives:
The Pattern

by Erin Halfelven

 

"This is the fifth dead guy like this we've found this month, Joe."

"Whaddaya mean, 'like this'? You mean wearing a dress and with his genitals chewed off?"

"Well, yeah."

"Okay, Frank, I thought you might have meant in the ladies' john at the bus station."

"No, no, remember? The first one was in the backseat of the '59 T-Bird on Lover's Lane?"

"Yeah."

"And the second was in the cabana next to that penthouse pool?"

"Yeah."

"And three and four were together in the women's changing room at Macy's?'

"Yeah, I know that. It's beginning to look like a pattern."

"How do you figure that, Joe?"

"Well, except for being dead, mutilated males, they all look pretty good, don't they?"

"Uh, if you say so?"

"I mean, it's not just dresses but also makeup, jewelry, wigs, the whole she-bang?"

"Heh."

"What's funny?"

"You said, 'she-bang' and they were all dressed as women."

"Oh, well, yeah. That's not funny. You're sick, Frank."

"No, it's just you said 'she-bang'..."

"I know what I said. You shouldn't laugh at these guys though. It's not funny, they're dead and somebody..."

"Chewed them."

"Yeah."

"It's a pattern all right, Joe."

"A sick pattern. A weird pattern. 'Cause even though these girls all bled to death, the coroner says they didn't die where we found them..."

"Guys."

"What?"

"They were all guys, Joe."

"Yeah, I know that. But I'm talking about the pattern. They bled to death, but where's the blood? And the coroner says they had been dead for hours when found and we've got reports of some of them walking around just minutes before they were found."

"A goofy pattern."

"Three and four, they're dead and they're seen picking out clothes to go try on in the dressing room?"

"A spooky pattern."

"Or swimming around in a Maillot?"

"What's a Maillot?"

"A one-piece women's swimsuit like Miss America wears."

"Huh?"

"The pool boy said Two was wearing one when she went into the cabana to change clothes."

"Yeesh."

"Nice legs, he said. A little pale."

"A little pale? These guys didn't have enough blood between them for a healthy turnip, Joe."

"Yeah, I know. But they were seen walking around."

"Walking 'round in women's underwear."

"What do you mean? They were wearing women's underwear, yeah, but why did you say that, Frank?"

"It's a song I heard once. But number one didn't have underwear on."

"You listen to some weird music. But yeah, the hitchhiker wasn't wearing panties."

"Guy stops for a pretty girl..."

"He said she had nice legs, too."

"She's showing some leg, so he stops, and she gets in..."

"She doesn't say anything but she gets in the backseat and lays down."

"He figures she's drunk, I guess? That's what he said, isn't it, Joe?"

"Yeah, figures she's drunk so he drives into town. Stops at Lover's Lane since she didn't say where to take her."

"Finds out she's dead when he tries to get in the back seat with her."

"So he runs off and some beat cop finds the stiff later."

"Heh."

"What's funny, Frank?"

"You said 'stiff', but this corpse ain't got no stiff. His wiener and beans been eaten off."

"Chewed off."

"Yeah."

"Like by an animal?"

"Yeah."

"No one said anything about eating beans and wieners."

"Yeah, well, you figure something chews off some meat like that, they ain't going to eat it?"

"That's sick."

"Yeah."

"And it's not funny. You shouldn't laugh about something like that, Frank."

"I wasn't laughing about that part, Joe."

"None of it is funny, Frank. It's a sick, weird, goofy, spooky pattern and none of it is funny."

"A creepy pattern."

"Yeah."

"It's just you said 'stiff' and I thought that was a little funny, Joe."

"Well, it wasn't funny at all, Frank."

"Sorry. But it is a pattern."

"These pretty girls who all turn out to be dead guys is a pattern all right."

"What'd we do with the guy who owned the T-Bird?"

"Had to let him go when Three and Four turned up. We let him go but the county hospital still has him locked up."

"He still screaming?"

"When the drugs wear off, yeah."

"Too bad. I liked him for the hitchhiker."

"Yeah."

"I thought we could make a case."

"Yeah. But he couldn't have done the others from the loony lock-up."

"No. It's a pattern now and he doesn't fit anymore."

"Yeah."

"That's why I thought you saying 'stiff' was funny, Joe."

"How could that be funny?"

"See, usually, a guy dresses up as a woman, it's because it gives him a stiff one. That's the usual pattern. But these guys can't get stiff 'cause they aint got one."

"It's still not funny."

"Sorry, Joe."

"And it isn't always true. Guys don't dress as girls just to get hard, some guys have other reasons."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Like maybe it just makes them relaxed. They dress that way because it makes them feel good. Not sexual, just...happy. Or maybe they're transsexuals, they dress like women because they think they are women."

"Yeah? Still sounds kinky to me, Joe."

"It's a sick, weird, goofy, spooky, creepy, kinky pattern, Frank. But it isn't funny."

"Okay, Joe. I promise not to laugh."

"Then quit grinning."

"I can't. Why do you keep looking at those pictures, Joe?"

"They're evidence."

"Those are just head shots. You can't tell they're dead men; they just look like pale, pretty girls with their eyes closed."

"Yeah."

"Except the one, her wig is crooked."

"No, it's not. It's just an assymetric hairstyle."

"Looks like her wig is crooked."

"It isn't, though. This one wasn't wearing a wig."

"That's her hair? Heh."

"What are you laughing about now?"

"I was just thinking, she breaks the pattern. All the rest wore wigs. Then I thought, maybe they all had pattern baldness."

"That's not funny."

"Heh."

"You're never serious, Frank. This is a serious case, people are dead."

"Heh. Now, I'm laughing 'cause you don't think it's funny, Joe."

"You're perverse."

"I'm perverse? You're the one with a set of 8 x 10 glossies of the heads of dead women who turned out to be men who died from oral castration. Now that's perverted. Heh."

"They're evidence, Frank."

"Evidence you're perverted, Joe."

"I didn't say perverted, I said perverse."

"What's the difference?"

"There is a difference."

"Not a hell of a lot of difference, Joe."

"Okay, Frank, let's just drop it."

"Okay. Sorry, Joe."

"Let's think about the pattern, see if we can figure something out."

"You mean the perverse, sick, weird, goofy, spooky, creepy, kinky, perverted pattern?"

"That one, yes."

"They're all dead."

"Yes. They are all dead men who were dressed as women."

"No blood. Bite marks where the chorizo y huevos should be."

"What? What did you say?"

"Chorizo and huevos. Sausage and eggs, it's a Mexican breakfast. Heh."

"That's sick. And you're laughing, again."

"Sorry. You should have seen your face. Heh."

"Stop it, Frank."

"Okay. Sorry."

"They were all dead men who looked like pretty women."

"Yeah."

"And they were all seen walking around when they must have already been dead."

"All of them? This last one, too?"

"Yes. The ticket clerk says he saw her come into the bus station and go into the ladies' room."

"He was watching her?"

"Must have been."

"Did he say she had nice legs?"

"He didn't say, but that might have been why he was looking."

"Heh."

"You're laughing again, Frank."

"I was just thinking, who would expect the walking dead to be wearing high heels?"

"That's not funny."

"Heh. Heh."

"Stop laughing, Frank."

"Heh. Now I'm laughing 'cause you look so constipated, Joe."

"It's not funny, Frank."

"Sure it is. I've got the most constipated partner in the history of detection."

"Stop laughing, Frank."

"I just thought of something else, Joe. We should put out a dragnet for whoever is killing these queens. Get it? Heh."

"Not funny, Frank."

"Sure it is. It's hilarious that you never even crack a smile. You need a drink or at least some strong laxative."

"You're unprofessional, Frank. If you're going to laugh, at least turn off the TV cameras."

"TV cameras? I forgot about them! Oh, no! Heh! TV cameras, get it, Joe? You should show them your Freudian slip! Heh!"

"Turn them off, Frank."

"Okay, Joe."