Antifreeze…Part 5.

“Shane.” I could feel the refusal in the way he said my name. The way that he is refusing everything I am.

“Steven….” I shiver but I feel Chris tighten his hold around me. God that helps so much.

“Why are you here? You think you’re welcome here?”

“Shut the hell up Steven.” Shawn says sort of snarling at him.

“Fuck you nerd, keep hiding behind you woman’s skirts. The little faggot shouldn’t be here.”

“Steven….” Uncle Roth says warningly.

“What? What you’re just here for what you can get Rothman. You never bothered with us before and now when things are all up in the air you’re here? The faggot’s here and….” He gestures at Chris. “And who the fuck is this?”

Chris just looked at him. “I’m your sister Shayne’s boyfriend.”

“I don’t have a sister named Shayne, I have a tranny little sodomite that says it’s family. People know Shane, they know all about you. I told everyone.”

Chris moved a little. “Maybe you should leave; it’s pretty obvious you’re not wanted here.”

“Go fuck yourself hippy faggot I have business here.”

Uncle Roth looks at Steven. “You don’t have business here.”

“Dad’s papers, I want them.”

“They’re not yours.”

He starts walking towards the house and Uncle Roth gets in the way. “Those papers don’t belong to you.”

“I’m his executor, they’re mine.”

“Things for the will yes, everything else no.”

“Bullshit All of dad’s papers are my business.”

“The estate papers are at the lawyers Steven, that’s it…that’s all you get to see.”

Steven snarled and punched Uncle Roth and bloodied his nose and Uncle Rothman too a couple of steps back and wiped away the blood and spit and looked Steven in the eyes. “Boy, that was your free one.”

That just pissed my brother off even more and he swung again. Blocked, again…blocked…again and Uncle Rothman popped him in the face hard enough to send him on his ass in that old John Wayne cowboy way.

Shawn went to move and Steven scrambles to his feet and punches Shawn down before Uncle Roth can get between them and he scrambles back to his truck and this woman that was inside opens his door for him from the inside and I can see she’s on her cell phone.

Steve pulls out of the yard turning really fast and tearing up the yard but he doesn’t go far. He just goes down the street and he turns the truck around and is just sitting there with the engine going.

I’m shaking and Tina’s kneeling by Shawn and mom’s hugging Uncle Roth and Chris leans down to my ear. “You got to see those paper’s you need to see them before he does something stupid.”

I nod and look over to mom. “I need to see those papers Mom.”

She sniffles and nods and she looks pale like, like she just ran into dad all over again. We head into the house and I can’t help but to look back a couple of times at Steven’s truck he’s just sitting there the engine running and…

Dammit…Just Dammit.

We go inside the house and its like time stopped in here. There’s a few changed but little things like pictures, new carpet…well different carpet. It’s ugly as sin and reeks of dad and his “Bargains.” Other than that there’s nothing too different. Same furniture even, we go to the dining room and Mom comes out of her room with a safe box and it’s opened. There’s papers inside and photos of me…at my place and in the car and at the club. Sarah and Stacy are looking those over but not saying much.

I look at the other stuff and Dad had hired this PI guy to find me and he’d paid extra for stuff too. I’m not getting why until Chris who was looking through dads other papers with Uncle Roth passes me some other papers….

“He was trying to get me declared legally dead?”

“Looks like?”

“Why? He knew I was alive then why?”

Shawn’s looking at the girls and Stacy looks sick. “No, he wouldn’t”

“Like fuck he wouldn’t” Shawn said.

“What?”

“Your inheritance.” Shawn said.

“My what?”

“Grand father Leon had apparently left us some money; we got it when we turned eighteen. We didn’t even know about it until then.”

“Oh…okay…but he left me money too?” I’m surprised, I mean with me being like this and everything.

Mom’s says quietly. “You ran away and your father forbade anyone to talk about it…His father never knew that you changed ad he died before it was found out…..”

Chris nods. “So it’s still legally Shayne’s.”

Shawn frowns. “And with Shayne declared legally dead he’d be still grandpa’s executor and he’d end up with the money?”

Tina nods. “It was left to Shayne; he wouldn’t have to tell anyone else about it even existing after this long.”

I’m reading it still and there was a letter there from the PI that said that he had conducted an exhaustive search and he couldn’t find me….He was lying…and Steven…his signature was beside dads on the legal thing to have me declared dead…it looked newer though like he’d signed it after he figured things out too.

I’m crying on the papers and shaking. They hated me that much that they’d do this…that they’d do this over effing money!

(Sniffle-sob.) “How much?”

Mom reaches out to rub my back. “Shayne…”

I‘m shaking really bad now but I‘m mad too…mad and hurt…I scream. “No! How much am I fucking worth that he’d want me dead! That Steven would want me dead!”

She starts crying and runs away down the hall. They girls and Shawn look like they have no idea what to do with me and are crying too just…

Aargh! He keeps fucking doing this from beyond the fucking grave!

Tina’s looking at the papers frowning. “If it’s the same as what Shawn and his sisters got it was fourteen thousand.”

I’m up and from the table and running outside before anyone can sop me and all the way out to the road heading for Steven.

I’ve got my arms straight and my fingers clenched into fists and I’m screaming at him.

“Fourteen grand! You fucking hate me that much that you’re doing this bullshit over fourteen fucking thousand dollars!”

I pick up rocks and start throwing them at his truck. “You asshole! You fucking greedy red necked asshole!”

He guns the truck heading right at me stopping only a few feet from me and he jumps out. And he yells at me. “It’s more than that you little freak!”

“How much then!? How much does it take for you to sell me out and treat me this way!?”

“Nothing! It costs nothing because you’re a whore! You a fucking freak and a sodomite and a whore!”

“You know nothing about me!”

“You’re a man and you sleep with men, you’re an abomination! You’re damned under gods eyes!”

“You don’t get to speak for god’s asshole!”

He goes to backhand me and Chris catches his wrist….

Steven’s actually a pretty big guy like dad only he looks like he still works out. He gets red faced trying to yank his wrist from Chris though. Chris works specifically with his hands all day…Steven from the shiny truck and the nice clothes seems he works in maybe an office.

“Let me go fag or I’m calling the cops.”

“They’re already called Steve…and I can imagine what they’ll say since you’re recorded on camera phone trying to run your sister down…with all these witnesses.”

“Fuck you gay boy, they’ll be on my side a freak’s a freak and I know the cops in town.”

“Yeah I imagine they know you too, and have a perfect idea of the kind of asshole you are.”

They stare each other down and I’m pretty sure that Steve’s never been to war.

“This isn’t fucking over.”

Chris bends Steve’s wrist until he turns another three shades or red. I’m almost scared and half hoping he’ll keel over like dad did. Steve starts to gasp and sweat and when he tugs hard the last time Chris just lets him go and he falls back into the front of his truck he grabs at it to keep from falling down. Then he gets in his truck, I see his wife again in the passenger’s seat staring at us and Steven guns the truck pulling out of the yard and something flies out the passenger window.

Chris covers me getting hit with one of those super huge sized soda’s from a take out and we’re both splashed with half melted slushy.

“Asshole! Bastard! Cunt!” I’m swearing like I haven’t in a long time at them and he keeps driving this time even gunning it some more and peeling his tires as he rounds the corner. I’m shaking practically vibrating when it’s over and he’s gone.

I turn and look at Chris covered in slushy and a mess and he’s so damned perfect right now…beautiful really…no one, no one has really seen me angry, like nuts angry and no one’s ever defended me like this. Absolutely no one and that’s seeping in as the rush of anger is leeching out and the shakes become nerves and he shoots me on of those head just tilted right smile-porn smiles…

I break and I start bawling rushing and planting my face in his chest and one of the best things in the world happens.

Bum leg and all he wraps these big strong arms around me and he holds me so tight it’s almost hard to breathe. So tight and safe though it’s just right.

“It’s okay…It’s okay Shayne I’m here, you’re safe.”

I break down and bawl, not just bawl but screamy-crying-full-on-ugly bawling.

And when my legs give, his arms don’t.

It felt honest to god…like someone caught my soul when I was spiraling back into my darkness.

Then he carries me back into the house.

We go past everyone to the “Guest room.” It used to be my old bedroom and there’s even a bathroom there. I’m crying and crying until he starts the shower and takes us into it clothes and all.

That…just everything he is and what he’s done. I’m sniffling and looking at him with the slushy crap running off of us and then we’re kissing. Deep long hot passionate over and over kisses and we’re peeling each other out of our clothes and touching, kissing…getting hotter and hotter and Chris picks me up and I wrap my legs around him. He’s hard and hot against me and I need him…fuck I know this isn’t the best time to be doing this or so, so much the best place for this but I need him.

“Make love to me Chris, please…I need this…I need you inside me…under my skin.”

“Are you sure?”

“Make love to me, push the hurt and the sick feeling out of me…I need your love.”

He carries me out to the bed and we somehow manage to find the bag with the safes and the gel without getting out of the mood, the need.

I cry out with that need and that relief as he sinks into me.

It’s so not about the sex.

It’s me desperately needing him, inside me the feeling of connection just feels so real…I need that more than any orgasm. But he takes me there too….and I cry, I cry happy safe tears and I cry out sad, hurt, painful tears and instead of getting swamped by the darkness I hang onto Chris, onto us and he’s my lifeline.

And while before I was falling for him.

I know that I’m in love with him right now.

I’ll always be in love with him.

……………………………….......... Well, apparently no one actually called the police. I’m not sure how long that lasted but somewhere we went from the morning to the early afternoon and there’s a knock on my door. “We need to leave in a couple of hours you two.” Uncle Rothman said quietly after knocking. I kiss Chris long and deeply. “We’ll be ready.” I call out loud enough. Chris stirs and smiles at me making me melt a little and I slip into the bathroom with my things and get ready after taking our wet things out of the shower.

Tina takes them from me smiling. “Hell of a guy you have there.”

I shyly smile. “Yeah, he’s the best. He’s changed everything.”

“We know, we heard…thin walls sister.”

I blush and we share a hug. I really like Tina, she’s done wonders I think with Shawn and she just seems to take me as I am. That’s a really nice feeling.

I get into a really hot shower and scrub the day off and soak in the heat. I’m still chilly, it’s November up here and I’m not really big to hold a lot of body heat and I’m so not used to the cold anymore.

I’m thinking as I’m drying and doing my hair.

I’m going to go all the way. I’m going to get the operation and go all the way. Yes it’s because of Chris. It’s not for him though…but it’s for me. I’ve always flirted with the idea. But honestly I’ve been scared and it’s not the same as day surgery plastics or even a boob job and the way things were with me and my ID it was a risk too.

But I’m actually of age now and there’s that fucking money…that’ll help some but I’ll use it to pay Michelle off first.

No, I want to be able to be with my lover…just like other girls, just like everyone else and if that’s me and Chris then that’s perfect, it’s better than perfect.

I come out of the bathroom and kiss him. “I’m getting my lower done.”

He looks at me, smiles and shrugs. “Do I still get to kiss you?”

I smile. “Yes, of course.”

“Good, what’s never mattered Shayne…just you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m sure. Besides when you do get it done I get to take care of you.”

“You do? You’re looking forward to that?”

“Yeah…” He blinks and rubs his eyes a little. “You’re everything I want Shayne…need…you…you know me better than ANYONE else does. You let me be me…even when being me is still all kind of fucked up and broken.”

“Chris, you’re not broken…not to me.”

“That’s exactly why I love you Shayne.”

He…

I mean I felt it, I knew it was happening to me…but…

“You…?”

He nods and gives me some smiley-porn.

“You Love me?”

“Yes.”

“Me…”

He takes both of my hands and he kisses each one of them so tenderly and gently is makes my heart beat so fast…but time seem like it’s slowing down. Then he kisses me…that taking my face in his hands a treating me like I’m the most delicate thing he’s ever held and he kisses me.

It’s just…

I guess the very best way to put it was like Chris kissing me like this felt just like god reached down and touched my life…or what was my life and there was this jolt to my whole being like he said. “Clear!”

The moment I think I actually really started to live.

Chris breaks the kiss and says to my heart. “Yes, You…I Love You…”

We just stand there and look deeply into each other and there’s just something inside that feels like something painful and wounded just got washed away.

“I Love You Too Chris.” I try and say it as special as he has to me and there’s this sparkle there in his eyes.

He kisses me again. “I should get ready too.”

“Oops sorry I’m not even done yet either.”

He takes his stuff and heads to the bathroom while I get ready. I’m dressing for dad’s funeral and I should be a wreck, hell I…I don’t know how I’d have made it without Chris here with me.

I lotion up and powder and start getting dressed. I’m not dressing slutty of anything like they’d think. They meaning Steven and the others like him.

I put on dark charcoal panty hose. Yes they’re a pain compare to stockings when going to the bathroom but I think I’ll be able to manage until after the whole deal. Black bra and panties and yes they’re nice. I want them not to be sexy for being sexy but a boost for my confidence. My dress, it’s a nice black dress with a small white dot print to it and black lace trimming it and it’s my funeral dress. I touch it off with black sensible shoes with no heel because we’ll be going to the cemetery and that’ll be grass.

I add my watch and check over my nails and put on a pair of simple stud earrings and my nicest necklace with a cross on it. I’m not big on the religion thing, like I said I don’t really think about it but I liked it when I bought it and it’s a sign of respect. A bit of perfume and the black lace knit shawl I got from my early days in LA.

It says stuff doesn’t it that I have a funeral outfit, outfits. I head out to see if I can do anything to help out with getting the house ready for the people that’ll be coming over. The house has been cleaned up and it smells good like lemons and some of the furniture’s been moved so there’s room for people to move around.

I get things ready in the kitchen, with my sisters setting out the things for tea and coffee and there are things that people have brought over since. I take some of the casseroles out and plate them up. Paper saucers with a little bit of mixed salad greens under them and just small slices of the casserole to make them look pretty.

Sarah smiles at me. “You look amazing Shayne.”

“Thanks, I try.”

Stacy smiles. “I think that Chris has a lot to do with that.” She sighs. “You’re lucky you know?”

“Yeah, I know and I still feel like I’m dreaming some of it.”

They both pinch me. I yelp and swat at them with a towel. We laugh a bit and Mom comes in to see and there’s a bit of a smile there. I get warmed a bit by that and a bit more when she says. “There’s My Girls.”

We go over and we hug her and just sort of stay there like that. It’s been too long…actually it’s been never. I don’t ever remember us or ever just them doing this before. It’s amazing and really…Never can be too long right?

I hear the soft click of men’s dress shoes and I look up to see Chris.

Hair cut nice and trim, not army regs but very neat and old school and he shaved. He has a really amazing face. Handsome…really handsome actually. Jake Gyllenhaal but with light brown almost blonde hair and actually a better build muscle wise….but you get the idea right?

Now add in the fact he’s wearing his uniform.

I think Stacy say’s it best. “Whoa…”

I have never really had the man in uniform thing, not until I had a man in uniform. And knowing what he’s gone through, what he’s seen and lived through…it means more to me now than it ever did.

It’s not about why they went, we asked them to go and they did.

It’s more than enough and more than we can repay.

My heart is just beating….well…I’ve never felt like this. I can’t help myself when I walk over to him and touch him…just maybe be sure this is all real, that he’s real, that I’m real…I tippy toe and I kiss him and make sure it’s strong and sweet and long and deep and he kisses me back over and over again.

I’m flushed and breathless when we break the kiss and I blush looking at my siblings. Stacy has a bittersweet look, Sarah’s smiling and Shawn too but looking shyly uncomfortable at the same time. I get it all, I do and it’s all good…we’re sort of starting over here right?

We get our things and Chris takes the papers all bound together by elastics and puts them in his inside jacket pocket. I get my clutch and transfer a few things...including things I should’ve had the first time I ran into Steven.

I’m nerved up all over again heading into the truck as we drive to the church where we’re having dad’s service. I guess the viewing was last night at the funeral home. We pull into the church parking lot and there’s quite a few vehicles there and people. I see Stephen there at the head of the walkway up to the church with who looks like his wife and close to a dozen people there.

We’re getting evil nasty looks as we’re gathering and heading to the church. I take the flowers with me and Chris’s arm when he offers it. There’s a look of confusion as Steven sees Chris all clean shaven and clean cut with is uniform and his medals on. He looks like he wants to start something so bad that it’s killing him and the others are doing the same thing like they’re trying to come up with something.

Steven is staring at me then at Chris and then at Chris’s service pistol. Oh it’s holstered and snapped and everything but he’s still looking at it.

We go past and I hear them talking and whispering.

“Which one’s the fag?” Some woman.

“The one in the dress with the shawl.” Another woman.

“Are you sure she’s beautiful?” First woman.

“I was there this is that freak, it’s disgusting the way he simpers and sways…and has everyone fooled.” The second woman.

I nearly turn…I want to scream at them and do things and….grrr.

“Why aren’t we telling him to leave it’s a fucking disgrace.” Some guy.

“We are not pulling a Westborough.” Some different guy.

“Steven?” The second woman, that must be his wife.

“Not here, God will judge him here.” Steven says his voice full of anger and hate I can almost feel the hate like some real tangible thing like the way that you can feel heat.

Then we’re inside the church and it’s been a long time since I’ve been in here and I’m getting looks and Chris is getting looks. The place is buzzing with the whispers too and there’s a lot of them about me.

There’s a lot of Him’s and he’s, a few her’s and she’s and a good number of it’s as they have definitely been told about me. I catch a glance of Steven and he looks proud of himself sitting there sneering at me like I’m something that he scraped off his shoe.

And yeah it hurts, it hurts like hell and I want to scream and rail or just run and hide from these hypocrites. Just how is people in a church saying things like fag and freak and worse even okay? I don’t care if they’re whispering.

The thing is they’re just talking and that’s all I’m pretty sure they’re going to do. Most of the ones bitching and whining about me are either these people like Steven scared of actually doing something physical that they might get caught doing.

I’ve been through more than what they can dish out. Ooooh scary you hate me and think I’m a freak. Well I’m not all that fond of you too.

But I don’t do anything, in fact I hold onto Chris’s arm and I act like it doesn’t bother me like a lady. I’ve very mannerly to the people that do talk to me and I’m soft spoken and I shake hands and I do hug a few of the non haters and kiss a few cheeks too.

The few that it doesn’t seem to matter seem to enjoy my company and the fact that I’m not living down to Steven’s expectations seems to just get his crowd all the more riled up. Again not violent but…

Tina leans over to me. “Janice looks really pissed at you. I think she’s mad that you look better than her and seem nicer than her.”

I look over at Steven’s wife and she stares at me with a sour look on her face. “Gee, she looks like she sucked on a lemon.”

Tina snerks. “More like Steven hasn’t been washing his boy and she’s got a mouthful of smeg.”

“Eew..Tina!” Okay That’s just gross, I’ve seen and heard of some gross stuff but my mental imaging is just too acute for that little bit of Ick.

Sarah chimes in too. “Yeah Tina that’s a little gross, but definitely a lemon…though she wasn’t sucking on it with that expression more like she peeled it and shoved it where she’d be lemony fresh.”

I have to stifle a laugh under my hand and she glares at the three of us and we look at each other and we give her a cutesy little finger wave.

She looks really pissed off and she elbows Steven and whispers something nasty to him that we can’t hear because to church organ starts up.

The service is nice, it’s not what I’m used to but it’s nice and there’s some people up speaking that sort of knew dad. Mostly those who worked with him and a lot of the stories are cleaned up good old boy stuff. And there a few passages read and a few hymns sung by members of the church.

Then it’s time to pay our last respects and I take my time and wait until most of the people that came have gone up to see dad one last time before I go up myself.

Wow…

He’s dead so there’s not that much good to say really about how he looks but he really looks bad. He went really heavy grey haired and has a beard that is likely better trimmed now that it was when he was alive and he put on a lot of weight and he looks old. I’ve see a lot of stuff so he doesn’t just look old but he looks alcoholic old.

And I was so damned prepared to hate him when I saw him but I’m not full of hate. I’m not. (Sniffle.)

I actually am sorry he’s gone. (Sniffle.)

I mean I’m looking at him and you know I should be flashbacking through the shit that he did and hating him and spitting on him or something but instead of that… (Sob!)

Instead… (Sob!)

Instead I see the guy that taught me to make snowballs and snow forts after the big snow storms in the winters here.

The guy who got out of his truck to sit in the dirt with me while I played with my toy dump trucks and stuff.

(Sob….) The guy that taught me how to make a fire and put a worm on a hook and ride my bike.

(Sob!) I loved that guy, I loved him so much!

I’m standing there crying and there’s all these things that I’m remembering pouring out of me seeing him here and it’s hitting me that he’s really gone. That no matter what he’d become it wasn’t just all of who he was.

I set my flowers in his arms and I look at him for the longest time before leaning down and kissing him on the forehead. I say it just between us… “I don’t get it, I don’t get the hate and I don’t get what happened to the guy that you were when I was little…but it’s okay…it’s okay daddy because I still love you…I still love you and I always will.”

(Sobby achy heart smiles.) I sit up and I wipe at my eyes until Chris passes me a handkerchief I smile. “Thanks…” I dry at my eyes and look back at my dad…and I’m choosing this…I’m choosing this for me and what’s coming in life.

I smile and (Sad-Sobby-Smile.) “It’s okay Daddy, I forgive you…” I start crying and Chris wraps me up again in those arms and gets me back to the pews and I start crying on his shoulder.

Good or bad…that was my Daddy, and he’s dead.

So I’m crying pretty hard right up until Steven passes by on his way to the casket. He stares at me as he passes by. “You’re such a liar…”

Chris tenses up like he’s going to…

“No, Chris no…not here, he’s not worth it…” (Sniffle.)

“This isn’t over Shane; you’re not part of this family.”

(Sniffle…) “I am Steve; I am no matter how much you hate it. I have the papers and I have the number for the PI and you keep it up and you’ll regret it.”

“Are you threatening me?”

“No, I’m telling you. I’ll take this to the police; I’ll tell them that you and dad were trying to commit fraud.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

(Sniffle-laugh.) “Oh yes I would.”

“You’ve been dancing under a fake ID, doing all sorts of things Shane I could get you tossed in prison for fraud too.”

“Maybe but I ran away from an abusive household a young transgendered girl…”

“A freak and a sin against god.” He cut’s in.

I sniffle and rub at my eyes. “Point is Steven all the things I did were in California, and the club I work at has some very, very good legal council. I’m sure they could rule me as being an emancipated minor at the time.”

“You don’t deserve the money…you left and made everything worse.”

“I know that and I’m sorry for that but I was your little sister not your little brother.”

“No, god made you the way that you’re supposed to be.”

I stand up a bit shaky but I stand up and look him in the face with tears running down my cheeks.

“Steve…I wasn’t a boy, I wasn’t, I was me a girl trapped in a boy’s body.”

“No, dammit Shane that’s not how it works! God doesn’t make mistakes!”

“No God doesn’t but nature does all the time and I was supposed to be a girl, I was a girl even back then and instead of seeing that you let dad do those things Steve.”

“I…you don’t know what he’s like….”

“I don’t? I still have the scars Steve, the smell of bleach can still freak me out…I was your little sister Steve, your little sister…just like Stacy and just like Sarah…you should have been there defending us.”

“I…” he’s looking at me and maybe for once actually looking at me…then at Stacy and then at Sarah and we’re all looking back at him too but all three are hugging ourselves as he’s looking at us…maybe he see’s just how messed up we are because of all of this?

“Steven don’t listen to this whore!” His wife pulls him away from me and she slaps me hard….

Ow…

“You stop spreading your filth and your lies and stop trying to twist things you twisted freak. Steven’s a good man, and he’s suffered too much at the hands of you and your family…You’re a disease Shane a filthy dirty disease and you’re going to take everyone you say you love straight to hell with you.”

“Janice….I…” she slaps me again and Chris blocks between us and turns and glares at her.

Janice juts her chin up and glares at him. “Do it, do it…you gays are good with hitting women so do it…”

Steven grabs her arm and he pulls her away with her squawking under protest. He leaves fast literally hauling her with him and she’s pissed and he looks back at me before he pulls her out the door with him.

I wobble once he’s gone my knees getting weak from doing that. Chris catches me and sits as he pulls me into his lap.

“You okay?”

“Yeah…” (Sniffle.)

“Bullshit.”

“Yeah…” (Sniffle.)

He takes the handkerchief and wipes away my tears and holds it to my face. “Blow.”

“Ick…No, I’m not snotting up a nice cloth handkerchief.”

He looks at me and he laughs a little and he kisses me.

You know a guy is really into you when you’ve got crying nose and he still smiles at you and still kisses you.

I kiss him back and Sarah passes me some real tissues and after I break the kiss I turn and blow to degunk myself.

He takes my hand and we get up and we go outside and stand there as a family well minus Steven who’s down by his truck with that bunch and the people there that are snubbing us but going to see him and his wife is hanging right onto him like a effing leach saying who knows what but he’s looking at us angry again and at me really angry again.

It’s really awkward I think for everyone that came and there are people definitely not happy at all with me being here and some are okay like before but there is a definite divide there and I almost feel sorry for mom’s pastor as he seems to be caught in the middle of two ideologies.

I think he doesn’t feel comfortable with me there but at the same time he’s not being an ass about it. But he’s not shutting people up when they’re complaining about me. Oh I don’t hear them saying things but you just know when they start looking your way and they start to try and not look like they’re looking your way after that. He doesn’t use “he” and he doesn’t use “it” to talk about me but I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t use “she” but tries his best to use the “them” and “their/they’re” terms to describe me.

Chris though in his uniform and his medals and the limp…and this being Memorial Day weekend has a lot of people being pretty decent to us even if it’s just for that. I get introduced to people we both don’t know that are here from the service or were in the service and Chris treats me no different…he treats me like a lady and not just a lady but his lady.

And some of these guys in the service or that were in the service do to. It’s a nice change from some of the others and there’s almost a body guard thing going on too as we’re getting into our vehicles to follow the hearse.

It’s not really like that but they did just sort of talk and mill around and have a few smokes and staying between me and the family and Steven and Janice and their friends. We still get all the dirty looks from them but we get in the truck without another fight or screaming match.

I get into the truck with Chris doing the gentlemanly thing and getting my door and helping me into it and we head with the little convoy to the cemetery. “Is it a little strange that some of the military guys were okay with this I thought that DADT was a big thing?”

“It is and it isn’t, Shayne you pass, heck you more than pass you’re beautiful.”

I blush. “Thanks but I had work done and I’ve been really through a female puberty more than a male one I started taking hormones when I was thirteen.”

“Exactly…well sort of. There’s a lot of asses in the forces like anywhere else but there’s a lot of treat a lady like a lady old school too.”

“That’s actually nice to hear.”

“Well like I said there’s a whole mixed bag to the whole thing, the forces still has huge problems with transitioning people in the ranks and personally women still have a long way to go before they get equal respect too.”

“You sound like a feminist Chris.” I smile at him.

“Sort of more like a realist. There were two very capable girls in the medical crew that were very serious in the fire fight to get us out of there and medivaced out.”

“You know their names?”

“Not yet I’m still waiting to hear from a friend who can let me know who they are. They deserve a serious thank you.”

I nod. “I’d like to thank them too they didn’t just save your life.”

He looks at me. “Shayne?”

“No. no don’t worry I didn’t mean anything stupid like that. I just mean it really feels that we were really meant to meet…and I owe them for having you in my life.”

He smiles and we pull into the cemetery and we join the family all except for Steven who is with Janice and those others and here’s a minister with them now and a couple of other people who are looking severe and grim and when Janice points me out they look angry and honestly, they look like they want to hurt me right there and then.

The pastor is not happy to see the minister fellow and there’s words exchanged before the ceremony.

Ceremonies…..apparently Steven’s Minister had to put his two cents in.

“Scott was a troubled man. He had seen the price of hard times when the good people of this country had wrought on themselves when they turned to wickedness and evil. Greed had taken his job and his health as he struggled with his own demons and these demons were all too real as they had destroyed! Broken! This man by taking his beloved son and turning HIM! down the path of evil and perversion. God please take Scott into your JUST and loving embrace and please LORD! Look after those who have failed him and left a good man to rot and wither on the vine of life. Use your INFINITE wisdom to show these base defilers of your word and of Scott’s broken family the error of their ways and that they may find SALVATION and REPENT their perversions and their sins and come to you oh lord and be cleansed and made whole again.”

…………………

I…

There was no mistaking who most of that was aimed at.

I’m shaking with hurt and anger…I could deal with this shit from the peanut gallery but to upstage dad’s funeral and to make such a….I feel like I just had been assaulted.

Chris is glaring at them and they’re glaring at us and Janice looks like she just came in her panties or something and she’s holding Steven’s arm and has her fingers laced into his really tightly.

They do the ashes to ashes and dust to dust bit and I had thought that I’d have cried at that part but honestly I’m just too hurt and pissed off and angry at what just happened and we stay just long enough to see the dirt getting shovel onto dad’s casket and Chris starts to lead me away to the truck.

The minister calls out. “Shane, son it’s not too late, you can repent this sin and perversion in you. We can teach you the faith that you need to cast out this demon of homosexuality and cure you of the devil living in your heart.”

My mom says. “Sir! I’ll ask you to leave my daughter alone!”

He turns to her. “Be Silent Woman! You’re ordered to your place by the scriptures and your unfaithfulness to them has led your family to thi…”

Limp or no limp I never seen Chris move that fast and two of the men with the pastor that looked like they were there to bully were down by him and Chris’s hand lashed out and he slapped the man right off of his feet…not a punch but a slap that was loud enough that everyone stopped.

Chris grabbed the minister by his collar and picked him up and was saying something to him up close, face to face and the only thing I heard was… “Look really close at my eyes…” and whatever else was said made the man run a heavy yellow stream down his legs in front of everyone.

Steven and some of the others moved like they were going to get involved and there were some of the other guys that had come from mom’s church and just some of those that came to the funeral and they had this look like a fight might happen and mom’s pastor looked at them all.

“Enough! This is American not the Middle East we don’t fight over faith in this country! We discus it! We do not ambush a grieving family with dogma and rhetoric. Minister you should know better, we all have been taught better and while the faith of others if a concern for many of us this is the United States of America sir and we do not browbeat widows and children. I hold the freedom of religion as sacred to those who have not chosen to embrace their faith as much as I do my right to teach my own to those who would listen. I think that you should take your flock and do what Jesus had commanded and seek answers in private prayers”

The minister was helped to his feet by his bunch and he was red faced enough to explode, he spat at the pastor almost saying. “I speak of god’s holy word, the sheep need a shepherd.”

“Sheep do tend to need one sir; humans are not sheep despite how some of them seem to act.”

“You’d follow that fascist drivel about the separation of church and state!? That you’d have perverts and heathens and the gays wrecking this country by taking away our rights, our Christian rights!?”

“Minister I will always maintain that it is because of the freedom to choose ones faith to have it or not makes those that make the choice to believe stronger in their belief than those who seem to need to make faith fact and law.”

The minister purples again and points at Chris. “I want him arrested! He assaulted me and he threatened my life and the lives of my flock!”

Uncle Rothman looks at him. “Son, let it be. We were all here we all heard the bullshit you were spreadin. Now kindly get the hell out of here before you find cheques your ass can’t cash in the collection plate.”

There’s a pause and he spins and storms off very, very angry and even shoves through his flock to get to his shiny nice Lincoln.

Steven and them leave in a group and there’s some murmurs and mutters of shock from the crowd and Chris comes over to me and he kisses me holding my face in front of everyone.

I kiss him back and it’s so…so…messed up but there were some people clapping at us kissing and…and mom was the first one to start it.

It takes awhile before I’m done shaking and mom and the others stayed, everyone stayed and I offer up a shy smile to them all before we get into the vehicles and we head to the house for the whole post funeral thing…wake…thing.

There’s two police cars there waiting for us when we get there.