Antifreeze…Part 4.

I was really, really out of it asleep when it first happened. I think it was the garbage truck making the banging. You know when the forks do the thing with the dumpster and everything bangs?

Chris twitched with a mini spasm at the first bang.

He rolled hard over me with the second one. That woke me up and he’s over me…actually covering me with himself from whatever was there in his eyes.

For a moment he wasn’t with me there. Everything on him went steel tight with nerves and I could feel it too…Chris was permanently injured but he's still so strong that if he lost it…

But he covered me protected me…Instinct? Do they teach you to cover your “man” I mean as in fellow soldier not gender. I really don’t know much about the forces except I love the look of naval ships. I’ve never been a military buff but my first real experience was seeing the ships now and then when I came out to Cali.

I took a breath and calmed down and he’d stared at me like he didn’t get who I was for a second or likely where he was and then he blinked and was back.

“Shayne…?”

“Yeah….”

He closed his eyes and I could feel his muscles do that shaky nerves bit and I push myself up enough to kiss him gently. I can feel the surprise there in his body. He looks at me and he’s hurting. “Sorry….it’s just…”

I ease down and pull him down with me and turn so we’re on our sides facing each other. “No, you don’t have to be okay? I get it, like I said I have my nightmares too.”

“I could’ve hurt you.”

“No, I don’t think so…you were protecting me.”

“It’s just…home, she…”

I kiss him again and touch his face the heavy stubble is strange to touch. “Maybe…but maybe if coming home had felt more like home you’d not have felt that way. And there’s a lot more time between then and now Chris…it’s okay.”

He kisses me and as romantic as it was I yawned right after that. “C’mon soldier I need more sack time.” I snuggled in and tucked my head under his and held him with a sort of snuggle hug before sleep took over for us again.

I wake up quite awhile later in m usual dry mouth and crusty eyed way but warm, so nice and toasty warm and not quite wanting to move. I’m still mostly on top of Chris and he’s still out like a light with what happened earlier this morning having popped his non-sleep bubble. He’s not snoring but just the way he’s breathing he’s in deep.

I wipe at my eyes getting the gunk out and run my tongue over the top of my mouth a few times to get some moisture going but I just lay there in bed with him awakish minus my coffee but really savoring the moment.

No, no morning blow job or anything like that. Why do people always think that mornings after sex are about more sex?

I do like sex, but I like lying right here more. Maybe even the idea that I’m actually helping Chris sleep a little. It’s…I don’t know, a fantasy really. I mean the fact is he’s likely exhausted and his PTSD thing before was like a pressure valve going off. Not that I’m making a difference like that. It’d be cool but I’m me…and I’m really not one of those special people.

I stay there as long as I can but once awake I last about thirty or forty minutes before I have to pee. And yes, sitting down and wiping I’m a girl like any other. I wash up and start my morning rituals of face scrubbing and doing my hair from the morning mess to presentable and brushing my teeth and I’m doing that when Chris comes in and there’s that moment where you’re in that relationship moment where you’re crossing the bathroom line.

It’s the fastest it’s ever occurred really. It’s kind of nice that we sort of smile around it though. It’s a big thing really in a relationship the bathroom thing, it’s getting to see some of the all too human parts of the person you’re with.

It’s also the easiest time too, I don’t know what but things aren’t as big a deal when I’m with Chris.

That’s really nice; I can feel like I can breathe.

We head out from the hotel and it’s in the middle of the day. That means it’ll be close to midnight or after when we hit home. Okay not home but Apple Valley. I’m really not sure home is home anymore.

Chris does stop for breakfast at a trendy looking spot that’s kind of an indie coffee place mostly because I said. “I need an Espresso.” No I’m not that fancy a girl but I try to go for the most charge for the least liquid. It was nice I had an Espresso shot and we had some pretty good croissants. Not the classic ones but kind of turnover like ones filled with chocolate and others filled with apricot jam. I’ve never had apricots before and not bad really kind of a strong flavor though.

Chris is limping a little more. “You okay?” I ask.

“Mmm…yeah just a lot of driving and sitting I stiffen up.”

“Would a massage help?”

“It’d be nice but it wouldn’t really help though.”

“What can I do?”

“Nothing I just need to walk it out more.”

“We’ll take some more breaks.”

“Procrastinating?”

“No, we’ll be getting in late anyways so we might as well take out time and try to get into town in the morning instead.”

“Makes sense it’ll make things easier.”

“Especially getting a room.”

“We’re not staying at the house?”

“Hell no, I’m not getting cornered there. I’m going but it’s going to be on my terms. Steve’s going to be a total fucker I’m sure and I don’t know about Sarah or Shawn.”

“Good idea.”

I get a latte for the road after using the little girl’s room and we had off again on the interstate.

We fall back into talking and stuff and I tell him about my days first getting to L.A. when I worked with the illegals and the different jobs I did. And he talks about the jobs he worked making his way out too. He didn’t know just how much stuff gets made in the shops and how much the Californian economy relies on migrant workers. Me I learn a lot more about Midwest farming. I might have been raised in Minnesota but we didn’t farm or even live close to them. Heck until I left all the fruits and veg I’d seen came from the grocery stores and the roadside stands.

We should’ve had a garden at least we had the property really. Our house was on a really big lot like a couple of city blocks really but so did everyone else. We lived kind of outside of town but not too far because we were still in the city limits but just.

Chris talks a bit about the business he’s got going or rather some of the things he’s working on. His main thing lately is actually brown beer bottle glass. He melts it down and he’s pulling dishes out of that for some bars that are interested. It actually sounds cool that you can get a big beer mug or a glass from the same colored glass as the bottles serving dishes too.

He’s also making or trying to make etched dishes that are kind of like a reverse of Dutch Royal Blue China but from Bristol blue glass and the etchings will be filled in with white in a kind of glass homage kind of thing. But right now his biggest thing is pulled ornaments and hand blown ones for Christmas.

I’m kind of picturing him doing that stuff and it’s kind of a romantic image really. I can see the concentration on his face almost in my mind. And well just thinking about that leads me to thinking about how good; really good Chris is with his hands.

He looks over at me smiling at him. “What?”

“I was just remembering how good you are with your hands.”

Chris blushes and it’s cute, it makes me feel like there’s more in the world. Things to enjoy. That feels nice too. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, it was different with you.”

“Different?”

“Yes, it was wonderful.”

“Shayne…” He’s blushing again.

I slide up against him with a yawn and a snuggle. “It was wonderful Chris, and I’ve never had wonderful before.”

“Really…”

“Mmm…no, never felt like that before…”

I really did try to stay awake but he’s just so warm, he smells good and the sunshine coming through the windows just lulls me into sleeping.

I’m not sure when he stopped but we’re at a garage getting gas and I think it was the lack of motion that woke me up. I don’t drift off while driving but when I practically lived on the bus I’d fall asleep sometimes. I get out of the truck and stretch and smile at Chris as he’s leaning on the truck.

Damn he looks good.

I smile at Chris and try to get the sleep gunk out of my eyes without looking too gross doing it. “Sorry I guess I completely bombed out on you there.”

“It’s okay Shayne I can imagine that you need the extra sleep since you work the two jobs and everything.”

“Yeah, I really just sort of hibernate on the weekends.”

“You don’t work the weekends?”

“Not if I can help it. I’m full time at the store and the people that come to the club on the weekends are kind of extra skeevy so I really try to keep out of there for my sanity.”

He nods. “So you feel like some supper?”

“Okay.” I look around and it’s dark and I have no idea where we’re at. We’re in a city but that’s just from what I can tell. “Where are we?”

“Des Moines.”

“Iowa?”

He nods.

“Wow we covered a lot of ground.”

“Not a lot of traffic tonight we made good time.”

“Uh-huh…so we’ll be home pretty soon then.”

“We could but we can take our time and stuff and get there in the morning.”

“That’s a much better idea.”

“I thought you’d say that.”

Chris goes inside and pays for the gas and I take the squeegee and I do the windows and the headlights and the tail lights and the mirrors. It’s some thing I do with my car and even if it’s a mess on the inside half the time I like seeing where I’m going and the tail lights is a good thing for insurance. On of the girls at work got rear ended and her insurance refused to pay up because the adjuster took pictures of her dirty tail lights and it found her in fault because the guy “Couldn’t see her.”

We get into the truck and we go looking for someplace to eat which ends up being either all night pizza or drive through which ends up being a debate over which is the best burger joint for the whole thing which we both agree isn’t McDonald’s…I have had a few too many bad meals there and getting really sick twice.

We actually settle on Burger King, not because they’re any better by that much from the evil clown burger but because they have flame broiled and some decent burgers with all the cheese and bacon and all the things that I really should avoid but I really was in the mood for a burger with lots of beef.

Well that and KFC and Taco Bell were closed at this hour and there wasn’t a Sonics’ anywhere that I could see.

Three patties and bacon and cheese and grease later along with some fries and I’m a happy girl. Happy and full. You want to know Chris’s big reason why he doesn’t like McDonalds? The fruit pies…they changed the crust into this thick baked thing and they don’t fry the pies any more.

We had a good time though and it’s amazing the stuff that you learn about someone just driving around and talking about what’s better and why. No, seriously because usually if someone really likes or hates something there’s a pretty good reason for it and usually a story behind it.

And you know that you’re getting tight with someone and they’re stealing you fries while you’re talking about the worst thing that you’ve ever eaten.

Oh yeah Chris has me beat by a mile.

When he was over there they tried a lot of the stuff they eat over there and there’s this dish the locals eat that’s broiled goat that’s chopped up and left to ferment and gain flavor in a pile of it’s own congealed fat and apparently you eat it for breakfast with eggs and reeking cheese.

Eeew…just the description of how from one chew to the next you went from rancid fatty grease to ammoniated dried funky meat with hints of old hay and the perfume of goat manure …and squishy funky cheese and runny yolked eggs.

I think I impressed him though by not gagging and still eating my burger. But then again I’ve had to live on the Quarter McMaggot and cheese.

This whole thing was actually kind of fun in this getting to know you and we’re both weird and twisted kind of way.

We even kept this up in the truck and went through our last meals. Mine was actually good BBQ ribs with lots of sauce, chicharonnes and root beer. Chris’s last meal he said would be Steak really well aged and grilled rare on a mushroom and onion and black pepper gravy with southern comfort blended butter on it and brussle sprouts and a really good baked potato.

“That sounds amazing except for the brussle sprouts.”

“I like Brussle sprouts.”

“Ick, little green brains ick.”

“They are not ick, not the way that I make them.”

“I dunno, I was told that a bunch of times too. Here Shayne put this in your mouth it doesn’t taste bad…” I do the, my imitation dozy-guy voice and I make a face my funny ick face and fake a shudder.

Chris chokes on his coffee and I have to reach over and off hand passenger steer the truck while he’s choking. I’m laughing because I love getting people with the spit take. I pull us over to the side of the road so he can breathe and yes I’m steering from the passenger’s side and with my left hand. I’ve actually done this before more than a few times with friends.

Funny the stuff that you pick up when a friend tells you to take the wheel while she rolls a spliff.

It takes Chris a few minutes to get to breathing right and another bit to wipe the dash and window clean of the coffee. I can’t help but to smile through the whole thing. He looks at me smiling while he cleans it up too and it’s a big happy that was funny smile.

I never get to be the cute and funny girl. God I really like being with him and I’m smiling back and he leans over and he kisses me. It’s that really great kissing too with the deep and wanting to kiss me and the over and over bits too that just make me want to either just sigh or jump his bones.

Chris starts the truck back up so I guess it’s sigh but I’m good with sigh…I still am very sigh-kiss deficient. Mmmm…yeah oral meds, vitamin Chris.

We drive and we still just talk my favorite color is nothing, I don’t really have one and neither does he it just depends on what something is more than the color. My least favorite colors are purples except for when they come in things like flowers or grapes or the color of geode crystals. I’m not a fan of orange either but again it depends on what it’s used for. I’m like that with most things I guess.

We both like fish, and shell fish, I like Mexican and he like oriental food more than I do. We’ve never been out to Sonoma but I’ve been to Napa twice as a hired picker we both want to see the San Diego Zoo and to see the redwood forest we’ve never been on the Hollywood tours neither of us really cares for country music as a whole and he likes classical and I have heard it only in movies but I like and know more metal than he does as well as club music and hip hop and he knows like all these old rock songs and artists and the guitarists and other members of those bands and he can sing…apparently he sang in choir as a little kid and had a garage band when he was around his early teens.

“Sing for me?”

“Okay if you’re that brave to listen to me.”

Chris starts to sing and he sounds like that blind jazz guy that passed away a while ago...uhm…Jeff Healy I think his name was.

“When the night has come…”
“And the land is dark…”
“And the moon is the only light we'll see.”

“No I won't be afraid… no I won't be afraid”
“Just as long as you stand, stand by me”

“And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh now, now stand by me.”
“Stand by me, stand by me”

“If the sky that we look upon….”
“Should tumble and fall…”
“And the mountains should crumble to the sea…”

“I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear.”
“Just as long as you stand, stand by me.”

“And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh stand by me”
“Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me-e, yeah”

“Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me, oh now now stand by me…”
“Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me…”

“Darlin', darlin', stand by me-e, stand by me…”
“Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me…”

There’s no background music, no band just him lit up by the dash lights and singing that to me as we’re driving and I can feel my heart beating I swear along with the drum’s or the bass’s bum, bum, bum…of the song.

Just wow, just melt my heart and make me…hell I am crying and wiping away happy tears. It’s a song I have always loved and the movie too. But it’s so much more than that too because this is my very first time that anyone has ever sung anything to me.

By the time we’re done and I’ve gotten a hold of my glomphy happiness I’m seeing familiar signs on the highway and we’re getting close to home.

And that wakes me up and sobers me up as the close we get the more things that I’m seeing that I know.

“Oh…we’re here…” I can’t help it, it just came out.

“We’ll be okay.”

“Yeah…”

We pull off the connection from the interstate into town and there’s some traffic. It’s about quarter past six and we drive around I’m actually sort of just staring at things and rubbernecking too. There’s so much that has changed and so much that hasn’t too. There’s some places that are gone and new stuff built in its place.

“This is so stranger in a strange land mixed with déjá  vu right now.”

Chris nods and takes another one of the main streets just driving. “It’d be the same thing for me it’s been about ten years since I’ve been home.”

I nod back. And I see a Howard Johnston’s that wasn’t there before. “Pull in here; I think that this’ll do.”

Chris nods. “You want clean sheets again?”

“Yes….god of course, it’s a hotel who knows who did what in those things.”

He grins at me. “You’re really a squeamish kind of girl aren’t you?”

“Uhm…yes, I work in a place where I get to see all sorts of sordid stuff and we don’t have beds. I have no illusions about these things.”

“Should I stop somewhere and get a UV lamp?”

“Uhg…god no, there’s being careful then there’s just TMI.”

He laughs and we pull up to the front and park and head inside and they have rooms and a couple of decent ones actually since it’s a newer hotel in the chain so things are pretty modern so we actually get one of those traveling business rooms with the mini living room lounge thing and the bedroom and a nice bed too actually and they even send the housekeeping girl with us to make the bed for us with new sheets.

Okay this is really nice and very clean and we book the place until Tuesday morning and get our bags moved in. They even have a loaner board and iron that I can use since it’s a business class room. It’s kind of nice that they have that but it makes sense too I guess if you need to look pressed and stuff for a meeting.

Chris is getting things and I’m unpacking and ironing stuff out and hanging it in the closet. I’m being a bit anal I know but I want things to be as good as they can be when I show up. I’m doing that and I call Gary and Ally and Michelle and leave them messages saying that we arrived here alright. Then with a lump in my stomach I dial the house. It rings a few times and I’m still nervous calling home.

“Hello?” It’s mom’s voice.

“Hi…”

“Shayne?”

“Yeah, hi mom. We’re here.”

“You are?” Followed by movement sounds. “Where?”

“I’m at the hotel unpacking and getting things ready.”

“Oh…wait…We?”

“Yes I brought some one.”

“Someone that you’re….?”

“Someone that I started seeing yes, he’s nice.”

“He?”

“Yes, he.”

“As in a guy.”

“No as in a man. He’s a good man mom and I like him a lot.”

“But…”

“Yes, we’ve been together. I’m a girl I prefer men.”

“Okay…Steven won’t like this.”

“I really don’t care mom, he’s not the one seeing him and he don’t know either of us.”

“Okay…are you coming to church?”

“Is it going to be the funeral service?”

“No that’s this afternoon.”

“Are all of you going?”

“No, just me and your uncle, Steven doesn’t go to our church.”

“Stacy, Sarah, Shaun?”

“Stacy isn’t ready to go back to church right now she’s having a time out in her relationship with God. Sarah won’t be in any shape to…and Shaun isn’t because…”

“Because?”

“His wife’s an Atheist.” Wow…she made that sound like a dirty word. Personally I don’t have too strong a faith really despite her and the old man making us go as kids. I’m not one for the free will excuse, he punished a lot of people for doing things in the past and he did miracles too…and what’s his excuse now? Free will?

I’m not saying that something out there isn’t out there but honestly I don’t really think about that stuff. Surviving is the bigger part of my life. But I’m not going to freak out and go all anti god either. I think there’s a lot of Christ bashing that’s just as bad as the fundies.

If I end up meeting god one of these days I’ll give him a hug if he gives me a hug and if not then? I’m not going to worry about it.

“I’ll ask Chris actually, I don’t know if it’d be something he’d want to do.”

“Oh…okay…maybe not then maybe you can get reconnected with your siblings.”

“Sure and I have some stuff to drop off at the house anyways.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, Stace’s in a bad way so I tried to bring some stuff that’d help.”

“You did!?” She sounds surprised, happy but surprised.

Okay…I’m choosing not to get all butt-hurt about that. Honestly they have no idea what kind of person I am and it’s the same way with me about them. It’s only going to make things a whole lot worse if I let myself go to the place where I take every little thing that they do or say or even screw up saying as a blow against me.

I really hate people like that. Wah, wah, wah…the world is against me, you aren’t paying attention to me…wah, wah, wah…see how screwed up I am. Pity me…There’s a couple of those girls at the club and I really try to avoid them because they’re all about the drama. Of course this feeds their insecurities and stuff more.

So…I’m letting the surprised sound just go.

“I work at a big grocery store mom and they let me get a bunch of things at cost so I thought that I’d help out.”

(Happy sniffle.) “That’s amazing honey.”

“No…it’s what a good sister should do.”

“Hmmm…you want to tell Sarah that?”

“Mom?”

“She…she was staggering in this morning carrying her shoes…and her stockings were torn.”

Oh…well okay I know that kind of morning…I’m sort of smiling, good thing I’m over the phone. “Mom…people handle death differently.”

“Shayne I know you live a life style that I can’t say that I understand and I certainly don’t approve of you doing that stuff you do while you’re dancing but you have a day job and you’re trying.”

“Sarah’s not?”

“……………………., …………………., ……………You and your older sister are two very different people.”

Wow that was a lot of diplomatic pauses. Well Sarah…no I’m going to wait and see. I finish some of the ironing and I set aside the clothes for the funeral all folded and stuff and I start looking through my other things to wear over to the house for after the funeral.

Chris comes in and looks at me and smiles. He starts to unpack and he brought very little with him. I get back on the phone. “We’ll be over soon okay?”

“Okay honey I’ll be here services don’t start until nine.”

“Okay twenty minutes?”

“Okay, love you honey.”

“I love you too mom.”

I hang up and look at Chris. “Mom invited us to church if we want to go.”

He shrugs. “It’s up to you I’m not particularly religious.”

“The war?”

“No, we just really never was one of those church families, though technically I think my family is prodestent or something.”

“Heathen.”

“My parents said if god gave us the life he did then he’d perfectly understand their need to sleep in.”

I laugh and I get the things I need my clothes, and shoes and flats for inside the house and we head out for my house. I stop into the local 24/7 grocery place quickly and I get some flowers. They have one of those in most places these days and there’s not a lot there but I get a wrapped bunch of yellow and white roses and I put them in the truck.

I’ve seen both at funerals so I hope they’re okay….and yeah I’m bringing them so I don’t look like I’m being crass or something by not showing up with anything.

I lead us into two wrong turns because they moved some of the streets around on me and finally we’re heading down my road. I call it a road. We’re still in town but there’s no sidewalks there just the road and people have big lots of property and there’s lot’s of trees and stuff too. Still in town and we still have streetlights but our own sewer and water.

The house hasn’t changed. Redwood colored siding from god knows when, kind of this big two story with a basement and an attic with black shingles and shutters and a brick chimney. It’s seen better days too, it needs paint and the roof looks….well everything looks the same as when I ran away.

It’s a big long dirt drive way with an older mini home on it and hooked to it I can see a big three-quarter ton truck with a fifth wheel camper on it. There’s a little shit box of a Ford Escort in front of the trailer. I’m guessing that that’s Stacey’s place. It looks recently moved too from the back lot of the place to here. We have a big dirt square for parking and stuff there’s a small tin covered garage. Off to the far back side of the yard is a large pile of hardwood logs that looks like the pile that ended up killing dad.

I see a two rental cars and there’s dad’s pick up a 92 Dodge Ram and there’s this cute little red Saturn that looks pretty new parked haphazardly.

We get out and Chris opens my door and helps me out of the truck and with my bags. I see Stacey? Looking out from the mini-home window and the door opens to the house; it’s the side door and mom? Yeah its mom is standing there watching us.

I’m a little concerned at how I look. I’m still dressed down from the trip and stuff. It’s stiff girl’s clothes but it’s just sneakers and fuzzy socks and boot cut jeans with a scoop necked tee-shirt and my lather jacket. My leather jacket is super girly though being a present from Ally and has the logos on it for Revlon, her sister was a rep for the company but it was too small for Ally so she gave it to me.

Mom’s taking all of it in and especially my breasts. Not in that sexual way but I think she’s a little bit in shock. I’m pretty sure she was blocking out the fact I’m a D-cup. I think she’s sort of shocked in general too.

I kind of am too. When you’re away from home or from things that you’ve known for a long time people tend to stop aging in your head. I’m definitely seeing mom but she’s older. Older than she should look. She has a lot more grey and she’s thinner, she’s lost weight and not in a good way and even with make up she looks tired.

“Hi mom.”

“Shayne…?”

“Yeah…”

It doesn’t take long before she’s trying to run down the steps in her shoes and over to me and wraps me in a hug. And she starts bawling and crying and squeezing me. Of course that sets me totally off too because this part at least is matching all of the stories of coming home that I’ve made up in my head.

We recover just long enough to see Stacey standing a few feet away hugging herself except for her hand over her mouth and tears streaming down her face like she was crying just watching us and I look at her and she does the whole girly arms shaky waving glomphy thing and whine cries as she joins us in hugging and she’s bawling too actually we all are.

Chris takes my things and some older guy takes mom’s purse and I look at him through teary eyes. He sort of looks like mom a bit and he smiles at me and kisses my forehead then moms. “No church today.”

Mom looks at him. “But the funeral’s today…people will talk…”

He rolls his eyes. “You lost daughter comes home and it’s your husband’s funeral today I think you can be excused. And if they’re going to talk about you with all of that going on with you not there then they’ll just do it when you’re there anyway just behind your back.”

Okay…I think I like this guy, he must be my uncle Roth. I mean it just makes sense but I haven’t seen him in like forever so it’s no wonder that I don’t recognize him.

I sniffle and nod then rub at my eyes. “He’s right mom, there’s enough going on today that you might as well stay.”

She sniffles. “Ok’nay…” into my shoulder. Still hugging me really tight and she’s still shaking.

I look at Stacey and give her a smile, we actually look like sisters she’s older of course but there’s a definite resemblance and she too looks tired and that she’s been through a whole bunch of stuff herself.

“So sis, you have a deepfreezer?”

“Uhm yes why?”

“I picked up some stuff to help out.”

“Shayne! You didn’t have to…”

“Yes I did, we’re sisters.”

Mom snuffles and nods. “That’s right, Shayne’s right.”

We head to the trailer and Chris goes and he brings the truck over and Stacey invites us inside and it’s a nice place. It’s an older trailer but she’s taken good care of it but its definitely late 80’s I think. There’s the sound of little feet and then there’s two little kids peeking at us from the corner. One’s a little boy about four and the other one is a little girl maybe two or three.

Stacey looks at them and gestures them over. “Ben, Molly this is your Aunt Shayne.”

They stare at me and blink a few times and Molly has a little care bear doll that she sort of hides behind and stuffs the ear into her mouth. She’s really adorable. I’m almost buzzing at being called Aunt Shayne. I had on purposely kind of put the kids bit out of my head really. Not that I’m yearning to be a mom but that was just another potential stresser when I was trying to keep the courage to come here.

I smile and wave at them, they look like they’re just getting up and are sleepy. “Hi…guys it’s nice to meet you.”

Ben grins at me and he’s got a great little smile and Molly goes and she leg hugs mom. Still mouthing her bear. I get it, she’s shy, I’m new and they’ve been through stuff with their dad just up and leaving.

Stacey gives me a sheepish look and she actually looks a lot like her daughter just then. “Sorry, they’re a bit shy around new people.”

“Good, strangers can be bad people sometimes.” I smile at the kids and Ben’s nodding sagely like he knows this already.

Chris comes in with the first cooler and Uncle Roth’s with him carrying one as well. “Uff…you guys really brought a lot of stuff Shayne.”

I blush as they set the stuff on her little kitchen table. “Well there’s a lot of ice in these too.”

He looks at me. “Good girl.” And pecks my cheek making me blush and smile and part of me is going and doing happy cartwheels. We start opening the coolers and that requires a paring knife since Chris put the packing tape to them really, really well.

We unload and put things in her deepfreeze in her master bedroom and the freezer of her fridge. There’s not that much there. There’s some stuff that she has for the kids but I see baloney, several cartons of eggs, canned milk, a few odds and ends and some leftovers but yeah she’s been struggling and mom’s looking too and looking at Stacey.

I didn’t think she really let on how much she has been struggling.

With our father…god he’d hold this over her head so much like a huge fucking I told you so just with the trailer…I can almost feel it in the air here. No…Stacey would’ve likely chewed broken glass before admitting to how bad things were here. And while there’s food and she has things for her kids she’s been shorting herself for them.

I hug her and whisper in her ear. “No more, I’ve been here too…no more Stace.”

“Shayne…I can’t…”

“Bullshit, you owe me…”

“Shayne…” We’re sort of leaning on each other and she’s looking at me and she’s crying. I keep my voice low but I look her in the eyes.

“Let me okay…please…let me be your sister…”

We cry a bit more and weh hug tighter and she’s actually shaking….mom’s crying again too but she actually has some of the sausages out and in the frying pan on Stacey’s stove and starts to cook breakfast.

……………..I relish the look on Stace’s face as she sips her coffee, I brought some perk coffee I think she’s been drinking non-brand instant for awhile now. The kids are stuffed and the deepfreezer is full and most of her cupboards too.

I’m getting myself one and smiling as I pass Stacy her box of chocolates.

“Hey? What’s this?”

“The fancy California chocolates you wanted.”

“What! Really!” She opens the box and she get’s this dreamy look on her face and she leans over the box of them and just smells them.

I take one out and feed it to her, one of those yummy ones with the semi dark outside and the center in this milk chocolate ganache chai truffle.

Oh my I giggle when she’s tasting it and it’s going all melty and her eyelids are actually fluttering.

“Oh shit that looks good….” I look up and see….well I see Sarah and she’s got heavy sunglasses on and a travel mug of coffee and she looks like Stacey but better. Well their twins and Sarah looks just like Stace only Sarah looks like she doesn’t have kids and she has money.

I look at her and she looks at me and she pulls her sunglasses down some to stare at me. “Shayne?”

I nod and cover my nervousness with a sip of my coffee.

“Okay, I heard you were coming home and that you were still doing this stuff but…wow…you look real.”

I look at her, it hurt but I let it be…It’s Sarah…she’s always been kind of bitchy. Stacey looks at her though and she’s on simmer mad. “That’s because she is Sare.”

Sarah looks at her and then at me and nods. “Hey I’m not Steve, I’m not judging Shayne…okay I’m sorry I’m not functioning at a hundred percent right now okay?”

Stacey just looks at her. I think she was going to say something more but I slip and arm around her waist and hip hug her and smile at Sarah. “No big, I’ve done the same thing myself more than once.”

I get her box of chocolates out. “Here, since these looked so good I bought you some too.”

“Really?” She looks surprised at that.

“Yeah…I’m not going to not get something for you either…what kind of sister would I be if I did that?” I smile but I can see her mulling stuff over. Honestly…I can see her looking like she’s thinking things over and not like she’s trying to be good with me just because it’s the right thing but because it might suit Sarah.

I could be wrong but she has that feeling about her.

She smiles and it’s a little plastic but I’m letting it go. She’s not harassing me and while it’s not the way that Stacy has treated me I’ll take it and I’ll work on it. She comes over and we hug and she does a shocked inhale of breath.

“Those…those knockers are real?”

I nod and smile. “Well hormones and implants but yeah they’re mine.”

“Jesus they’re nice.” She’s feeling my breasts like she’s judging them. Mom yells. “Sarah language!” And she’s pointedly staring at Sarah and her hands. There’s a frown…oh…oh…yep my lez-sonar is picking up a girl diver for sure. There’s just a way she’s holding my breasts that’s not a woman just checking another one out or even the sister common body stuff that girls can sometimes have when you’re comfortable with other women around you to the point of touching, even like intimate stuff.

Ally for example.

Sarah’s not touching my boobs like that but like she likes touching boobs. I pull her arms away from my chest but smile and raise my eyebrow.

She pales a second and she knows that I know and I’m pretty sure that mom and Stacey have no clue either. Sarah blushes and she ducks her head. “Sorry Mom…”

I grin. I can’t help it she’s single…no kids and dressed like this and oh my god…that’s just so…actually I get it. It’s home, it’s home ad there’s not like that could come out to the family not when dad was alive or Steven for that matter either.

She takes a seat and her box of chocolates and she eats one of the sea salted caramel drizzle ones. Yeah in the reaction that Stacey had Sarah’s her twin.

I’m nodding and smiling at both of them and I’m letting most of the stuff go. It feels good actually to do that but it also feels good to know that things are different now. I can get why Sarah was such a bitch to me when we were kids if she was dealing with her sexuality. Stacey wasn’t as bad really she just kept quiet about what Dad did and I really have my own ideas starting to form about stuff at home that I never seen when I was younger.

I honestly think given the way that he treated me I think that he used to treat mom just not like shit but his personal ego boosting punching bag.

And if he did that to her then what did he do to them?

I look up when this woman come’s in with long red hair put into a ponytail and a nice blouse and dress pants. Smart looking too with those stylish dark framed rectangular glasses and she’s looking at everyone and me several times. “Good morning.”

We all say good morning back and she smiles at me. “You must be Shayne right?”

I nod slowly. “Yes……..”

“Can you come outside where the men are at? Your brother’s afraid to come in and see you.”

“Oh…okay…you must be Shawn’s wife?”

“Girlfriend we’re not married, I’m Tina.” She offers her hand and we shake and we hug and I did notice that mom got a bit chillier though. “Breakfast?”

“No thanks I’m not much of a breakfast person.”

She does take a coffee from mom and there’s definite tension there and I can only guess why. Mom’s religious and while not a bible thumper she’s…mid-west old fashioned in a lot of stuff. Tina’s from what she said an atheist and she’s living and sleeping with my brother outside of wedlock.

Yep, I can see them getting along really well.

I smile at Tina. “Well there’s chocolate too.”

“Oooh Chocolate!” She perks up kind of funnily and Sarah’s holding her box out with another chocolate in her mouth. I laugh as Tina and Sarah and Stacy are having their chocolategasms and take a caramel drizzled sea salt covered one and head out to the yard where Chris is at talking to Uncle Roth and Shawn.

He’s definitely standing out here. He’d fit in home but in the suburbs khaki pants, dress shoes, polo shirt…nice watch and clean shaven and good hair cut. He doesn’t fit in here for sure. I’m not saying Apple Valley’s redneck or anything but it’s just Shawn looks like he’s a nice suburbs quarter million dollar home kind of guy. He really doesn’t fit in around this neighborhood.

Y’know what? Good, I’m seeing more and more that we all got out of here.

He looks at me and stops talking to the guys and he just stares at me…that’s really uncomfortable and It slows me down from walking over and I even stop and just stare back.

It was going so well…I swear…I swear I can….

Then.

“I…I…Shayne…Fuck…I…I can still smell the bleach.” Shawn barely gets it choked out and he’s nearly crying. I know Chris doesn’t know what he’s talking about but Uncle Roth looks angry.

I’m shocked.

I mean, them holding me down and shaving my hair off and then making me wash in the bleach…it’s the stuff I still get nightmares of sometimes, it’s the time that….but to hear my big brother say that?

“Shawn?”

“I tried y‘know…god Shaney, I tried…I…I…I saw you leave, you ran away and I don’t bl..blame you…I saw the bruises and the cuts Shaney…I saw what we did! I…I was such a coward…”

He’s crying…I’m crying…

“Shawn…it’s okay Shawn…”

“No, no it’s not Shayne…I let it happen!” He’s shaking and pacing, he’s got that look. You know the one where you just can’t shake something. I bite my lower lip and make myself go over to him.

I know he’s sorry, that he’s hurting too but it’s still like trying to get close to a pacing angry dog to me.

“Shawn we were kids.”

“No! Dammit Shayne you were my little sister!”

He looks so hurt, so mad like he wants to lash out and do something. I take his hand and he almost pulls away…there’s scars there under the tan and arm hairs…like he…I’m glad he didn’t succeed.

He’s shaking and he looks at me then at where I’m looking and his hand jerks like he wants to pull away. I look him in the eyes again and we’re still crying. I…. (Sniffle.) “I tried pills…”

He closes his eyes and there’s this small whine this hurt cry coming out of him and I pull him into a hug and he’s crying on me pretty hard.

“God Shaney…what did he do to us?”

I hold him as he cries and I’m crying too and slowly, slowly the others are coming out from Stacey’s trailer.

Tina takes over with Shawn and even mom can’t fault her for the way she’s holding him, kissing him and doing that close forehead to forehead and quietly talking him down.

Chris comes over and he holds me and we’re sort of just milled and kind of recovering as a large black Ford truck pulls in and …..

Yeah it’s Steven…he looks fairly well off too with the new looking truck and he’s in a decent looking suit too when he gets out of the truck. He looks a bit like Uncle Roth but with light brown hair instead of Uncle Roth’s black, well salt and pepper hair. The look, that cold angry…doesn’t like any of us look…that’s dad.

Like the bastard’s come back from the dead.

He looks around until his eyes settle on me.

How the hell can one person just look at you and make you feel so small?