CHAPTER 44
Ian lost his job the week after Von took him home. Prolonged sick leave, unsatisfactory attendance, whichever snide form of words they used it came down to the same thing: the companies he dealt with didn’t want a dying man anywhere near their businesses, their premises or their staff. Perhaps they thought he was infectious. I swore when he told me, but the fatigue, the resignation, sat in his voice when he answered me.

“And aye? What exactly is the point of arguing? Jobs mean nowt if I die, lass, and if I get better, well, fuck ‘em, I’ve started from scratch before, I can do it again. Just… just make sure the girls are looked after, like”

“They’ve got their dad for that”

“Aye, well”

That hurt me. It was odd how his mood had changed. The new therapy was helping remarkably, but the stronger he felt the more resigned he seemed to become to the death staring him in the face each time he shaved. Before, with his chemo, there had just been the pain and nausea. Now, he was finding the strength to despair.

The last month had been hard work. His stabilisation had affected all of us in different ways, because suddenly there was no end in sight and we were faced with the prospect of having to deal with a continuous wait, literally at Death’s door. Mam was having problems with so much travel, so Neil had been standing in for her when he could, but naturally it wasn’t the same. It was Steph who came up with the winning suggestion.

We were slowly forming our own little coffee group, Annie, Steph and myself, with Rachel, Merry and Larinda added in to keep the chromosome count balanced. It was a sort of moveable feast, from house to house, or sometimes to the Viennese place in Crawley for the cakes, and we would be joined by Sally, or Annie’s barking mad friend and her wife. I still got more than a few stares, especially when hand in hand with my own wife, but each day it got easier, and it was the acceptance by the other women that did the trick.

I had always known I was female, but so many years of playing the game had left me with little hiccups in my mental vocabulary. That was slowly changing, and the biggest signal my mind was sending me was the way I was thinking of my friends as ‘the other women’. That one word, ‘other’, was crucial. I had been through my trials, my crises of confidence, and the one issue that had always lurked was summed up in other words: fraud, fake, fantasist. The more I sat with the other women, the more I settled into being simply another woman.

Steph’s suggestion was a simple one.

“The year’s getting warmer now. My house is a big one, and it only really gets used properly when the family’s down, and Kell and Mark have sort of shortened the need for an extra bedroom”

I smiled. “Cause they are living together, like”

Steph smiled, and there was a truly wistful look on Annie’s face. “She was always so lonely, aye? Always looking for just the right… musician. She had a lot to live up to. Right, Steph?”

The taller woman blushed. “I don’t know what you mean… look, Jill, both your parents are retired, right?”

“God, aye. Years since”

“Well, with it warming up, the family like their little bit of camping, so if, you know… look. Do you think your Mam might want to stay down here semi-permanently? Save on that shitty trip down and back? I’ve spoken to Geoff, he’s more than happy. I wouldn’t charge her anything. Just a little light cleaning, gardening, household repairs…”

Rachel lost it at that point, and Larinda had to pound her back to get the piece of cake to go down the right way. Steph continued.

“Simply put, we have enough room. Naomi and Albert next door would be happy with some company of an older nature too”

Larinda turned from her ministrations. “You do realise that the two of us aren’t that far off the same age as your neighbours, yeah? No spring chicken is my lover”

Before I could reply, she put a finger to my lips. “A well-matured and tasty old bird. And very game”

I kissed her finger and then took her hand, just as Sally raised her eyebrows in query.

“Game? And well hung?”

Rachel really needs to work at her table manners. I put the idea to Mam that night over the telephone, and there was a long sigh.

“This is really you, pet, isn’t it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Friends, like. You never really had them as a young lad, aye, and now, weeell…”

She was right, of course, as mams usually are about their children. “Aye, perhaps, but I was never exactly myself, was I? Easier to make friends when they can see who you are. This lot, aye. True friends. But…”

I thought for a bit. “Mam, not just now, aye? Look at Rachel, for one. She’s been there all the time. Then there’s Larinda, aye?”

“Aye, pet. She’s a special lass. And don’t you ever forget Von”

No. Not ever. I started to laugh. “She always wanted to be your daughter-in-law, aye? Just not quite this way, like”

“You think… no, stupid bloody question. How, let me talk to the lord and master, see what he says, aye? This Steph. She would really, like, just open house?”

“Aye, Mam. Really. They surprise me, all the time. If I hadn’t…”

I sat silent by the phone for twenty, thirty seconds.

“Pet?”

“Aye, Mam. Just trying to find the right words. Those women, they let me see what was possible. I didn’t really have the courage, aye? I mean, none of them have had it easy, and I don’t just mean, well, the lasses like me. Some of the things… no, that’s not for today. Aye, they really are genuine, sincere. You’ll just have to put up with a lot of music. And you’ll be able to spoil the grand bairns”

The most theatrical of sighs. “Aye, always a fly in the ointment. I’ll have a bit word with Raafie, aye?”

I made my decision in an instant. “Dad, Mam. You can have a word with Dad. I mean, he isn’t, you know, and I won’t forget, aye, but, well, he’s earned that, and tell him I said so”

I hung up before the tears could hit either of us. Mam flew down with Dad two weeks later.

March was dreadful, both in weather and in Ian’s health, where he had a sudden downturn as the evil that ate his body seemed to find a new trick or two, but they stabilised him once more, Dr Chao’s image of a downhill slope so clear to us now, and then he fought back, the team at the hospital fought, and Von spent an entire fortnight staying with us, or rather by his side. The hospital even arranged a folding bed for her some nights, and that was the thing that told me how concerned they were. Von was hollow-eyed, and she sat with us for breakfast one day before her trip down to Crawley.

“I had words with it yesterday, see?”

Larinda put a hand on her shoulder. “Do what?”

“Had words with the sickness. Told it, he don’t go, not yet. He got two weddings to be at, innit?”

Larinda nodded, and I gave her a puzzled look, and she just smiled and hugged Von.

“Who asked who, love?”

She just started to cry. “Sort of me asking him, innit, and he just smiles, and says aye, and then, look after the girls, love”

She looked up, and there were more words, about fairness, and it took quite a while before she was fit to drive. Not fair. Not fair in any damned way. I had two people back in my life, and this was the price.

In the end, the crisis passed, and he even started to gain weight again. I caught Von singing some mornings, and I dared to hope.