Antifreeze…Part 2

I’m good after a couple of blocks and kind of drifting in and out of my more intimate thoughts all the way to Cecilia’s and I can’t but to think about what might have been if I had stayed. I get to work and head inside to get showered and changed. I’m actually in a good mood while getting into my gear for my dance sets. A couple of the girl’s look at me and smile.

Ally grins. “Your in a good mood.” nodding at my crotch while getting into her angel wings. I blush because I actually have a semi.

“I…I met a guy.”

“Really and he’s got Janey all worked up?”

“He’s got me worked up…God Ally he got under my skin.”

“That’s the best way honey.”

“No…not that way he was just an actually decent guy. I felt like I was me and not you know this.” I gesture around the room.

There’s a bunch of nods from most of us except for Katie and Tara who roll their eyes. By and large even the girls that dance like we do aren’t in it for the sex and stuff. But there are some that are all about the party life. I’m not judging, both of them despite their shit aren’t bad girls.

I dance and yeah with my little girl or Janey, as we call them as a sort of parody of the whole John-Thomas thing. I’m getting extra tips. It’s a tranny bar, me getting a stiffy is a whole money shot to these guys and some girls.

Though it’s still really look but don’t touch as a general rule. It’s my rule, I don’t do tricks and I don’t lap dance either. I did laps for a few months when I first started but just…it got too skeevy and the guys were too grabby.

It’s a good shift too really; some clean dancing and in between sets Ally and I and the other girls are talking about guys, and I might be pushing things and stuff but I actually gush with them about Chris and everything that happened. Most of us get it, get each other even the trans-lez girls get that need for something real and clean.

We’re still all girls here inside; we still treasure the same things.

I’m having a drink, yes technically I’m underage but that’s in this country. I just have one and it’s a grapefruit juice with club soda and a half shot of tequila. I only ever just have one, unless I’m at something special like a bbq or a party with friends. I’m so not the party girl. Oh and I don’t touch the drugs anymore.

I’m there from seven thirty until nine and I dance eight times before I’m done for the night. Most of them are short just the length of a song so about four minutes I keep with my cowboy/girl act usually changing things up in my costumes and stuff but the boots are great, the tippers put the money in my boots rather than in my thong.

I have my regulars who are okay I guess but too tranny-chaser for me and I think two are there just for the boots. One guy takes his time and feels the leather each time and its good money. I get ten bucks each time I dance from the house and then there’s the tips too.

We get to keep all of it because it takes a lot to actually pole dance and strip and shake and move and flow and still be erotic and still be hot. You’d be amazed at the number of girls that can’t pull off a dance set. Plus they’re there, right there beside you and tipping requires getting close and even having a rapport with the guys or the girls.

Yeah there’s some sort of lesbian girls that do like girls like me. And while I’ve been with a couple of them in the early days and sort of not really my thing as customers they’re actually cheaper with us stage girls than the guys are but I’ve heard they’re more generous with the girls that do the lap dances.

I count up my tips and go and pay the boss. Fifty percent always goes to her to pay off the loans she gave me for the plastics I’ve had done. No, not loan-sharking or stuff like that but just paying her back at the total plus twenty percent. One she needs to make cash out of the loans and two she’s tying up her money in loaning it to us. I came up with the fifty percent of my pay and I’m nearly done paying her off. My take home tonight though is just around a hundred and twenty dollars. That’s close to two shifts at TJ’s with deductions and everything and this is all tax free under the table money.

I go home stopping to gas up and pull into one of those bigger gas stations with the self car wash and I gas up the Camry and then pull it over and buy some things in the store part of the place and clear it up.

Garbage bags and paper towels and some Spray-9 cleanser and some Armor-all and some Febreeze and I clean out the car and vacuum it out and wipe it clean with the Spray nine and the Armor-all I even clean the windows.

Okay…eew…my car was all kinds of filthy. I mean you really don’t notice the dirt and dust inside while doing the everyday and going to work but it really was kind of grotty and dusty. I run it through the car wash and even get it clean on the outside.

I feel better now; I really didn’t want Chris to see my car in the shape I had it in. Feeling better about that I drive home and it’s not too long before I’m headed to bed after a nice hot bath and my evening ritual.

Meh…Bleh…

Why do mornings come way too early?

I’m up and get my coffee going, do my exercises, have a shower and get ready for work the same old thing I do pretty much all week long. I’m having a poached egg on an English muffin and some cereal for breakfast when my phone rings.

I look at the number.

Mom’s number.

I sigh…take a big gulp of coffee and answer the phone.

“Shayne Starr speaking.”

“Shayne?” It’s mom.

I sort of feel a bit less tense. “Hi, good morning mom.”

“Uhm…good morning, did I wake you or were you still up?”

“No I’m awake I’m just getting breakfast before work.”

“Breakfast before work? The strip place is open all day?”

“No Mom, I only dance a couple of hours a night. This is my real job.”

“Oh…well, I didn’t know you have a real job.”

I hear her whispering something over and over like she’s praying it’s not something….oh…

“No, Mom I don’t do porn.”

“I never…”

“I heard you on the other end mom.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah oh, if you really want to know I’m a cashier at a grocery store I’ve been there for almost three years actually.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah, oh…”

“I’m sorry for what your brother said honey.”

“Okay, fine why isn’t he calling then?”

“He won’t.”

“Yeah, I figured that.”

“I still want you to come home, please….”

“I don’t want to be treated like shit mom. I had enough of that from all of you the last time I was there.”

“I’m sorry…” She’s crying now.

Fuck, fuck, fuck…I’m a girl but I still hate it when women cry. I can feel my own tears trying to come out. No, dammit I want to be mad about this.

“It hurt mom, you were supposed to be there for me. You were supposed to stand up for me. Hell if all of you acted the way that people that love each other are supposed to act are then…..”

Great I am crying now.

“God Shayne, please, please I’m sorry. I can’t take what happened back all I can do is…is try to make up for it and get to know my…my…my daughter.”

(Sniffle) “And Steven and Shawn and Sarah and Stacy? How are they going to react?”

“I don’t know, Steven found your dad’s papers too and he called everyone and spent all day on the war path ranting about you. But I haven’t talked to Shawn and the girls yet about you.”

“He has dad’s papers?”

“Your uncle got them back.”

“Which Uncle?”

“Roth.” That’s her brother and I’ve never met him.

“Uncle Roth’s there.”

“Yeah….” She not going there…I think, think mind you I don’t have any proof but I don’t think he liked my dad.

“So Steven’s running around saying what then?” God it’s sick wanting to know but I do…eve though it hurts.

“He’s talking about you being a whore and a stripper and everything.”

“Everything?”

“It’s his grief talking Shayne…give him some time.”

“Bullshit Mom, he fucking enjoyed torturing me back then!”

“Shayne, Steven was the oldest him and your father had a complex relationship.”

“Great….he’s a chip off the old bastard isn’t he?”

“Shayne! Don’t..don’t talk about you father that way!”

I bite my tongue…it’s really hard not cutting loose on her about him and things but I just…breathe…hard deep breaths and keep the though in my head she lost her husband…I keep trying to think of it that way.

“Sorry…look Mom, I have to go, you find out how they’re going to be and I’ll let you know after you tell me.”

(Sniffle-sob.) “’Kay…Shayne…I’m soooo sorry…”

(Sniffle-sob.) “I know Mum, Love you…we’ll talk later okay?”

(Sniffle-sob.) “’Kay I love you too baby.”

I hang up and scream…pain and hurt and frustration….My god what the fuck did I do to him!? What!? I don’t fit in his narrow fucking world view so I’m fucking public enemy number one?

I’m pissed, pissed enough I dump my breakfast in the trash and grab my stuff and head off to work.

I’m that mad I’m there first and I open up the store punch in my alarm code then lock the door with the dead bolt and go through the stuff…that’s printing out the price change sheets for the stock boys and then the lists for the deliveries we do. And I open the door for Gary who looks at me. “You okay?”

“No, family crap.”

“Oh, bad?”

“Oh yeah, bad I’m supposed to go home because of my dad dying only I’ve never been back since I got the hell out of there. And my dad had hired a PI to track me down and now they know where I live and stuff and when I try to reach out to them my homophobic asshole bigot of a brother goes on a holier than thou tears telling me not to show my face and he then spends all day outing me to the rest of the family and likely my whole fucking town!”

Gary’s blinking, and then he walks me to a chair. “Sit…breathe….”

I’m breathing but angry breathing and I close my eyes and take a few deliberate deep breaths. “Sorry…it’s just I got wind of all of this from my mom first thing this morning.”

“Yeah….that’d ruin your day.”

“Y’think?……Sorry Gary.”

He smiles. “I actually forget sometimes y’know.”

Okay that makes me smile despite being mad and hurt. “Thanks Gary.”

He knows, I had to tell him about it when I applied for the job. Gary’s always been decent about it too. He doesn’t care as long as you try to do a good job.

I might have rigged ID but in order to make it not fake looking it has the stupid M on it and I have all the stuff front my legal change of name stuff and a carry letter from the gender specialist doctor who works with my plastics guy that did my implants. Everything but my original ID is all legal and above board.

Oh I imagine if they looked hard at my ID and stuff there might be shit but I pay taxes and stuff on this job and the IRS hasn’t come after me. I have I guess a very real and normal paper trail.

Shit…

I hope dad’s PI just found out about me stripping thinking I’m as bad as he imagined and didn’t start looking back on my new name. Steven might try to completely fuck with my life if he gets a hold of something like that.

Shit, shit, shit…

I have to go home now.

Gary looks at me. “Better? I like it better when you’re smiling Shayne.”

“Crushing on me?” I tease him.

“If I was a younger guy Shayne and not happily married yeah…really likely. Who you are far outshines the little stuff.”

Okay…that, that was worth me hugging him and kissing him on the cheek. “Thanks Gary, really thank you it helps a lot y’know especially with everything going on.”

He hugs me back.

Gary’s one of the reasons I stay here. He’s a good guy. How good? Old stock, stuff we can’t sell he lets us take stuff home. He’ll deliver stuff by e-mail or phone and he doesn’t charge delivery if they’re seniors. He gives a gift card for twenty dollars on your birthday and he gives a fifty dollar one for a Christmas one and a box of candy too. The company doesn’t Gary does.

The pay’s not super great but the place is more than just a paycheck to me. It’s why I only dance part time. The way he treats me and others I’ve been able to keep my self respect and not fall into some of the stuff that I might have.

Yeah…This really helped me feel better.

We open up for the rest of the crew and I’m chatting actually with everyone like usual and counting my float and having a coffee. I get some breakfast now that I’m feeling better from the store getting a yogurt and a pear and a few fresh figs. I love figs, I never had them before I moved out here and even picked them when I was doing the farm hand thing with my Mexican friends. I actually liked everything I picked except the olives. I’m not a fan of olives. Tomatoes and peppers and avocados I like a lot. I can make a sandwich just of peppers with the skins blanched off and either roasted or even sautéed a little…some Hellman’s and some good bread and that’s a great thing.

I’m a simple girl really or I try to be.

It’s actually a pretty good morning and it’s busy, when I’m not doing the cashier thing I’m helping to restock stuff and putting things back. There’s always a few things some people can’t afford. And I save the food stamps I have for the few people that are regulars and are short or their broke.

One of the regulars at the club actually gives all us stage girl’s books of them. I’m not sure where from but they’re not fake. Two of the girls refuse to take theirs and I drop theirs off to Elena and Sophia the two girls I used to room with because they have big families and every little bit helps. But mine…I’ll break them out and use them to treat a regular or someone that I know needs it.

Some people struggle and have it harder than me. So if a girl I sort of know from here’s trying to do her best with her kids…and she has to choose between a prescription for her kid and some of the basics….like milk for her and them.

Yeah…I’ll get the milk myself with the stamps.

I try; I really try to be a good person.

It’s also maybe because dad hated stuff like that…he was one of those help those hat helps themselves types. He must have lost his shit over the Affordable Healthcare Act. I really hope that Obama wins. I don’t really dare vote but I really am a supporter of just the way he is. But after next or rather this February I’m going to look at getting my ID fixed.

I want my rights once I’m legally eighteen. I want to set stuff up right, maybe even go back to school or try to get my GED.

It really sucks being a drop out sometimes.

I get through to lunch and I head out back seeing Gary. “Hey can I ask you a favor?”

“Sure, what?” I like that about him he’ll say sure instead of maybe or that depends like some people.

“I need the long weekend off; I need to go home for my dad’s funeral.”

His expression softens even more and he nods. “Sure I can spare you for the long weekend and I’ll put in the tenth for your compassionate care day.”

“Okay, what’s that?”

“Oh company policy if there’s a death in the immediate family then they’ll give you a day of mourning with pay. I know a single day’s not much but…” He shrugged.

“Hey it’s better than nothing.” It’s one of the things I do like about it here that they are actually pretty good as far as a chain store goes for stuff. They’re so much better than working for slum lord employers like Wall-Mart.

Actually that’s pretty good that he’ll do that so that means that I’ll get paid for both Saturday and Sunday where veteran’s day is a stat holiday.

“I might not be back though until Tuesday though I’ll have to play it by ear but I’ll call and let you know.”

“Hey, even if things weren’t good he’s still your father.”

“Yeah…they weren’t good Gary…I’m still not really sure why I’m going.”

And I’m not in a way. Well I need to see the stuff dad’s PI had dug up on me and get all of that information back. I think though I need some closure for me and something for mom…she does seem like she’s actually trying.

I get in my car and head down the street to the Dunkin Doughnuts and I head into there for lunch. I know not the greatest stuff for anybody but I’m craving sweet right now. It’s kind of a girl thing. I know kind of a crock but kind of not. I’ve found that ever since that I’ve started being on my hormones that when I’m I get emotional I want sweets.

So it’s a bowl of corn chowder with some bacon in it and a tea biscuit to go with it and chocolate milk and after that I get a Bear claw and a coffee and I dial mom’s number on the phone. I tense up waiting for the phone to pick up it takes about five rings before it does.

“Hello?”

A woman’s voice tired sounding but not moms. I look at the clock it should be close to two there.

“Uhm hello…who’s this?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that miss?”

“Is Mom there?”

“Mom?”

“Tell her it’s Shayne.”

……………………………….......There’s a long chunk of silence on the other end. It’s not really that long but it feels that long. I’m getting more and more unnerved by the silence. Unnerved and hurt. (Sniffle-sob.) “Okay…okay sorry for bothering to call…”

(Desperate sob.) “No! Shayne wait! Please?”

(Sniffle.) “Okay….” People are looking at me crying on the phone at my table.

(Wet-Snuffles.) “I’m sorry…”

I blow my nose and get a bit of hold over things. “You are?”

“Yes…I’m sorry…I…I was just, I was such a spoiled dumb little cunt then.”

(Sobby-laugh.) “God Sarah?”

(Sobby-laugh-squeal.) “Ohmigawd Noooo, wait you heard cunt and you said Sarah? I can’t wait to tell her that!”

I’m actually smiling and there’s some fresh tears….but kind of happy ones…we’re laughing… “Hey Stacy…”

“Hey…..” This time her voice is warm, it’s that hey that says so many things just by the tone of it…I can hear the heart in it.

“Hi sis.” I say it my heart in my throat.

“Hey little sister…”

Oh I’m so…I have to get up and out of there with my phone and sit in my car with the door open and I hear her ask. “Shayne, Shayne are you still there?”

(Big-happy-sobs.) “Y..Yes….” I’m full on crying now just happy bawling as this feeling of my heart untying itself is happening.

“Oh good I was worried…are you sure? You’re crying.”

(Sniffle-sob.) “Yeah…I was…at lunch and you…you called me your little sister and…” I’m crying some more.

“So you had to get out of there before the called the nice men with the nets?”

(Cry-laugh.) “Yeah, Dunkin Doughnuts is so not the place for an emotional breakdown.”

“Eew Dunkins, please you’re in LA I thought you’d be in like a Starbucks or something.”

“Ugh…no I don’t like them. Dunkin’s is just down the road from work and I needed a sugar fix.”

“Oh, what’s your poison?”

“Bear claw, I like cinnamon and apples.”

“I like chocolate, anything chocolate.”

“Me too…I’m just really picky with it.”

“See you are all big city spoiled.”

“Maybe but if you’re going to go through all the exercise and stuff with having dessert or a treat you might as well eat decent chocolate.”

“Bring me some?”

What?... “Uhm…”

“You’re coming home right?”

“……………………”

“Shayne?”

“Stacey….”

“Please…I want to see you; I want to get to know you.”

God that feels so good to hear, even if the rest of it sucks ass there’s at least one person there, one person who still has my back, who see’s me as family.

“Okay, I’ll come.”

“Good…” There a sigh in there she still sounds…tired.

“Hey Stace?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“No, no I’m not….”

“What’s wrong?”

“Jeff…Jeff left me and the kids…”

“Jeff’s?”

“My husband or what passes for one…he…I started getting sick and when we finally found out what was wrong he said that he couldn’t deal with me and my drama…that I was making a bigger deal of being sick than I should be…”

“You’re sick, how bad is it?” Please don’t be fatal…I want her to stick around; I want to get to know her.

“Bad but not as bad as things could be, Fibro.”

“Fibro?”

“Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid arthritis…which means I hurt basically most of the time well except for the time when I really hurt…”

And he left her…with kids? That fucking sonofabitch!”

“Where’d he go?”

“I don’t know, he just left six months ago and he’s never written or called since.”

“No word?”

“No, even his family has been avoiding us sort of…his folks are okay they’re a mix of pissed and mortified so it’s hard on them seeing the way things are…”

“How bad are things?”

“We’re living in a trailer dad bought and moved into the back lot.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah….A whole lot of I told you so’s.”

“Sorry sis.”

“Hey, it’s not on you.”

“I know, but I’ll be there. I’m not, not coming home for him but mom asked and I want to see you too.”

“Good…I need the fancy chocolate.”

I laugh. “I’ll be there okay? Now fill me in.”

I get into the car and I drive yeah I shouldn’t talk on the phone and drive and I agree but I’m not perfect. I spend the rest of my lunch break talking to Stacy on the phone getting a friendly lay of the land.

Mom… Mom’s in a mess but apparently when the whole market crash happened dad got laid off from the plant. He worked for Goodyear and they closed the doors to the plant and moved stuff to somewhere I guess out east. She had gone back to work as a teller at the town credit union part time to pay the bills.

And dad got meaner and drunker without his job to keep him the macho bread winner. I think they owned the house and our land because if I remember right my dad’s parents had given it to them so they were lucky that way.

Steven is like a mini-me version of dad only he was this whole hockey hero in town in high school his graduating year and he went to college and came back and he had married Janice, Janice was from someplace in North Dakota and from a pretty religious family and apparently some of those views along with dad’s have taken root in his macho little brain. They own and run a convenience store.

Shawn left town after graduating and he’d apparently gotten into MIT and is manager of one of those Apple stores and him and his girlfriend live in Cleveland all the way over in Ohio. They’ve apparently come home to visit. She didn’t know what Shawn’s reaction to everything was but Stacy did tell me that he was sorry for doing those things that he did to me then and when he left home like me he never looked back.

It’s a bit hard to swallow the hurt from that but if he did change…then maybe…maybe I’d have to see though.

Sarah well apparently Sarah’s still Sarah I guess though I’m not really sure what that means since we never got close really, I never really got close to either of my sisters and out of the two of them Sarah was the one that treated me the worst because I had been stealing her things to wear back then. But apparently she’s already divorced twice and she’s pretty demanding and high maintenance too.

Stacy said in a word…Cougar.

We both kind of laughed at that.

Uncle Roth being home is really weirding her out too he’s seems like a nice guy though and she like me thinks he really had no use for our dad. He’s been helping out too and he took time to come here from his place in Montana.

The Montana part makes me a little nervous though just because of the whole reputation of the whole cowboy macho attitudes and stuff. He might not take kindly to me being me. But Stacy says he knows and hasn’t said anything bad that she knows of.

Still I’m plenty nervous.

But I’m still very happy and feeling a lot better in a way too. It’s amazing to just have that one person there that is okay with you being you.

I get through work okay and head home and I hop in the shower and get cleaned up and I start getting my things ready for my night job and after thinking and thinking and more thinking plus some pacing while chewing my thumbnail I bring Chris’s number up on the phone and I dial.

It rings and rings and it rings and then about the fifth ring I hear a click? And then there’s this whole second or two lapse them more ringing. He picks up on the second ring.

“Good afternoon, Wheel of Dreams this is Chris speaking.”

“Wheel of Dreams, I like that is that the name of the shop?”

“Hey (A sweet happy drawn out hey.) Shayne, finally returning my message?”

“Message?”

“Uh then that’s a no then…”

“Sorry?”

“It’s okay I just wanted to call you to let you know that last night was nice, I needed the company.”

I blush…wow…okay one he called that a miracle in itself and he had a good time, a good time with me and there wasn’t sex involved.

“Okay…wow, uhm yeah I see it here on my home machine…sorry.”

“Hey it’s okay, so what’s…how’s things today.”

“Good, bad…both I guess.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“I would but I have to go to my other job.”

“Oh, after then?”

“Uhm okay…”

“I’ll be here just drive on over and we’ll go see a movie and get something to eat.”

“Chris it’ll be pretty late.”

“I don’t sleep much Shayne just too much stuff sometimes, I know a lot of late night places.”

“Okay, I’ll be there.”

“Good I’m looking forward to it.”

“Really?” Dammit! Foot in mouth.

He laughs softly. It’s a really nice laugh. “Yes really, Shayne you’re nice and you’re sweet and you’re honest what’s not to like?”

“Uhm…I’m not a biological girl?”

“You have a female mind right?”

“Yeah?” I have no idea where this is going.

“So that means you have a female brain.”

“I guess, I mean I kind of read there’s not much difference between our brains and the brains of like genetic women.”

“Then that’s both natural and it’s genetic, so you’re a girl.”

“With stuff that upsets people.”

“I’m not one of those people.”

“Okay…are you sure?”

“Yes.” There’s more humor in his voice again. “Yes I’m sure Shayne. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Okay…”

I’m smiling; I can’t help but to smile at all of that. I know he’s not perfect he’s pretty much been hinting at it but he’s a nice guys and that right there is points in his favor. Oh trust me…the bad boy thing only is a turn on to a certain point and when you know too many of them and finally get that they are who they are and that you can’t save them or change them and they for the most part, the most part are actually replaying their bad boy moments or using it to hide some other shit…

Yeah a nice guy is a treasure really.

And he’s not a chaser…that’s a plus.

And he never asked if I wanted him to come over to the club or something like that. Hey that’s a big one. Most guys I’ve been with when they’ve found out that I dance they want to see me dance.

Chris never so…yeah.

I go in early and I head to the office to talk to Michelle and to have a drink with her and tell her about stuff back home and if I can get some more time tonight and tomorrow night since I’ll be leaving for a few days to go home and do the family thing. She’s actually pretty good about it and says sure but the only thing she has open are laps and the basement boxes.

I opt for the basement boxes.

Okay for those of you that don’t already know there’s a set of rooms in some clubs and ours is in the basement where it’s one on one and the client is in a darkened room and we’re behind Plexiglas and it’s a lot more raunchy but it’s still safe. It’s also a good way to earn cash…I’m…well I need the cash to go home and I want as much as I can get.

It’s fifty dollars for us and that’s ten minutes and another twenty to have us take off out thongs and another fifty to watch us jerk off. Some of us can’t do that or not that often so we tell that to the customers up front.

I get changed and in the basement boxed I go with the LBD and the wetted back hair look red, red lipstick and these four inch spiked fuck me pumps that aren’t practical at all. Other than here at work I almost never wear heels unless I’m going out somewhere. But never these S&M pumps.

I pop a little blue buddy and dance, and the dress comes up most times and the panties come down. And yes there’s stroking but I never get to the point where I’m “Painting the glass.” I just can’t do it it’s as sort of creepy enough as it is doing this. It’s also pretty skeevy feeling too knowing what they’re doing on their side of the glass in the dark. I just concentrate on my own little fantasy…

No not Chris…I actually try not to think about guys I actually like in real life doing this instead I have this whole James Bond thing with Daniel Craig…sorry all the other fans of the other guys but him coming out of the water…with those trunks…and new dancing for him…but with him out there as James…in the tuxedo…imagining the only thing I can see is the martini glass and those one of those deadly hands coming into the light to sip at it…and me…you ever see True Lies? I’m this own version of Jamie Lee Curtis’s character.

With my little blue buddy I’m able to keep a stiffy on my little four inch Janey and that fantasy.

I dance a few hours there coming in early helped then I do twelve dances up on stage again because I started early and Ally gives me two of her spots and does the basement herself.

It’s ten when I’m out of there and even Michelle tells me to hold onto the cash because of the way that I pay her usually I’m good in her books compared to the other girls. She does however change the money I made into bigger bills and asks one of the big guy bouncers there Ronny to walk me to my car.

Ronny gets the bartender to make me a coffee and he even goes and get’s the car for me and pulls it out front and gets it warmed up for me. I love the bouncers we have here most of them see us as just the girls that we are and that we need the say if not more care and protection sometimes.

I wonder about some of them though…I’ve seen a few that seem to look at us and ache…like it’s not that they want us, but…yeah want to be like us. Which is hard for a six three and three hundred plus type of guy to be or ever admit to.

Mind you that’s just my feelings telling me that. So I treat them as good as they treat us. And yes, despite the early start, the hell I’ve been through and the surgeries and the hormones I am lucky.

I drive to Chris’s place only stopping to put my money into my bank account at one of my bank branches I know one that’s not too far out of the way and it’s well lit in a busy four way stop with other things there. I’ve been mugged before and robbed when I first gotten out here and first was doing my night deposits. I learned the rules of being a girl and being an easy mark.

From there I drive out to Chris’s house and I’m a little nervous because this is way out of the box for me and it’s not like I’m really dressed to go out. I’m in my clothes that I wore from home to the club and that’s a comfy pair of old jeans and sneakers with a light blue scoop necked tee and my nice warm fleece zip front hoody. I did re-do my make up before I left work though.

I put the car in park and grab my purse and head to the back door. I have the feeling that’s the door that is actually the main door for the house. I knock and he comes to the door. He’s still Chris and that sort of surfer hair long and not cut for too long and the scruff that’s not quite a bead there and he’s in an army tank top and blue sweat pants and he give me this melt my butter smile.

“Hey, good shift?”

“Yeah sorta, it is what it is right?”

He gives me this look. “Okay…” and he pulls me into a hug right off the bat…. “Better?”

I can’t help it but I lean into it. “Yeah better.”

He smiles and moves and get’s his jacket and he slips bare feet into old sneakers and looks at me. “Ready?”

“Okay…so where are we going at this hour?”

“The Avocado theatre.”

“Never heard of it.”

He smiles and it’s almost this excited guy boy I want to show you smile. “You’ll see”

“Okay…” I…I reach out and take his hand. “Surprise me.”

He heads across the back yard and out his back gate to a path between all the houses and even through some of the woodsy bits and even over a stream with this cute little foot bridge that someone made just because that even had a little peaked roof on it and it’s a twenty minute or so walk and it’s not like my last trek through woods with dad shoving me.

Chris holds my hand and we take it slow and he helps me over some of the bigger places that I need to step and all the way to this other fence that’s a dull green I think. He knocks and someone opens the gate and there’s people there.

A fair number of people some of them are older than I’m used to and there’s some couples of all sorts of combinations and there’s there big plastic water jugs with Habitat for Humanity, Green peace, 7th street Mission, and some other charities and at the back of the yard are a bunch of grills with people there that kind look like the whole hippy types from the old days running the show and Chris leads me over and we get a couple of plates of food.

I’m sort of laughing but not it’s just happy and it’s kind of cool. “Chris what is this place?”

“It’s the avocado. It’s a sort of goodwill community theater.”

“Okay…so how’s this work?”

“Come in and get some food and a drink and grab a lawn chair then pay what you can or what you feel like.”

“And if you’re broke?”

He points at some people and they kind of looked like they’ve been on the street or are on the street. “You still pay what you can.”

“Oh…”

I can’t help but to smile because there’s a kind of warm fuzzy lump there. This is really cool. I get some really good looking tacos and a bratwurst dog and a lemonade that’s actually really, really good and we get two lawn chairs and these two old hippy guys set up this big screen with sewn together sheets and a clothesline and weighted down with cinder blocks and they actually project the movie onto that and it’s the very first reel to reel film I’ve ever seen in my life.

I have never seen a Humphrey Bogart movie before and I’m sitting chair to chair with Chris watching African Queen? There’s something just so really nice about this and watching this in black and white outside with just this kind of atmosphere. It’s not the food that makes me sigh as part of me just unwinds.

I end up leaning up against Chris who asked some guy something and the guy hands him a grey blanket like you see in those car kits and he wraps it around us and soon it’s more than perfect with both of us snuggled sort of into it and there’s even free fire popped popcorn being passed out by the old guys running the place. I’ve never had open fire popped popcorn either I can sort of taste bits of smoke and char but in a good way and there’s just a bit of salt I think.

It’s a good movie really. I kind of notice a lot of dialog and wow, I kind of sort of get a bit why, like why some trans-people and even some gays are all into the ladies from back then. These were some sexy, and strong very cool female characters but so femmy too in a way. It’s not really me but I can get it a bit more and enjoy it. Heck many even fun for a costume party sometime.

I’m actually pretty happy that I didn’t fall asleep on Chris this time but really there’s this point when his and reaches over to mine like at the movie theater and where the arms of our lawn chair meet he takes my hand and slips his fingers into mine.

That got my heart beating.

I look at him when they’re switching the reels. “Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“Is this a date?”

“I’d like that if it was?”

“Really?”

“Yes really, is that okay?”

I nod staring at him. “Why?” God it kind of sucks really to ask that but…

He sort of shrugs? Shrugs?

“I don’t really know Shayne. I mean we kind of sort of know each other from the store so we have some of that ice breaker stuff out of the way but I guess it’s just that you’re real?”

“Real…Chris I’ve a y’know, and implants and plastic surgery to look like this…I’m not real.”

“Yeah, you are because you’ve taken life by your terms Shayne. That stuff’s no different than having tattoo’s or a lot of piercing to me….actually it’s the same really you’re expressing who you really are and you went through a lot of hell over it.”

“Kiss me.”

He blinks at me. “Huh?”

“You say stuff like that and here and make my poor busted up heart feel all scared and wobbly you’d better Ki….”

He leans over and kisses me really deeply and cuts me off.

Okay, shutting up now.

Honestly, it might be the emotional content and stuff but it’s easily the best kiss that I have ever had in my entire life. I the backyard of some hippies wrapped in a scratchy blanket and sitting in a lawn chair and I’m having the best kiss ever.

God it’s that good and that long I’m leaning over the side of my chair into it for more and we only stop when people notice and there’s some clapping and some applause and I’m blushing like crazy and he is too but not as much.

It’s not teasing either from these people but that just hippy trippy cheering it on because it is what it is thing.

It’s a vibe I’ve seen in movies and on TV but I had really no idea that these people still existed. I smile a bit and snuggle even closer as the second half of the movie starts up.

“Thanks Chris…” I slip my fingers out of his but slide my arm in under his then hold his hand again and lay my head onto his shoulder. “It feels really nice to be human.”

He kisses the top of my head. “Yeah…yeah…you do that for me too…”

I’m smiling but a little happy teary through the rest of the movie.

I’m almost a little disappointed when it comes to the end of the movie and it’s time to leave and the place starts clearing out slowly with people still talking and some are hugging but there’s some of the guys running the place doing up brown paper bags for some of the people that look like they need it and Chris gets us something to drink called mulled non wine. It’s pretty much heated up fruit punch with grape juice and some spices. It’s actually kind of close really to the real thing I think the secret is cooking it awhile.

He talks to one of the guys too while putting some bills in the donation bottles and then comes over to me and offers his hand. I go to take the blanket off but he shakes his head no. “It’s okay I’ll drop it off next time.” Then he offers me his hand again as we walk back to his place taking our time.

It’s so nice when he’ll help me over some of those big steps, or a steep bit of trail I’m also getting used to blushing too I think because it’s happening so much. I’ve never really had that nice guy gentleman thing happen before me and honestly it’s really nice.

We get back to his place and I look over at him and he looks at me and we’re just kid of doing that until we both smile and laugh a little at ourselves. I hug the blanket around me a bit. “Wow, I hate this awkwardness.”

“Me too, it’s been a long time since I’ve been on a date.”

“Yeah…this was nice Chris…”

“So have you though about going back for the funeral?”

“Yeah, I want to go, I mean I have to go. There’s all the family stuff and dad went with the PI and I have to go and get those papers. (Sigh.) My eldest brother might do god knows what with them. But I want to really see my sister Stacy.”

“You want company?”

“Chris…this, it’s too much to ask.”

“Not really, Look you never know when you’re going to need back up.”

“I know but, we’ve just met.”

“We’re just getting close but we have known each other awhile.”

I look at him and he’s just kind of looking at me but there’s this open quality to it. I really don’t want to do this alone. Heck I want to do a lot more after tonight but no…I can’t go that far that fast. I’ve done the hook up thing and it’s a really bad thing…I want to…but…I don’t want that. I look down and then look at him and dammit he just takes that step and hugs me again.

(Sigh.) “Dammit Chris you’re too nice a guy.”

“Sometimes, I…I have done some very un-nice nice things Shayne.”

I can hear the hurt there in his voice. I’m leaning on him when it kind of sinks in or maybe I just had a smart moment or maybe even women’s intuition but veteran’s day is coming up.

And maybe this offer isn’t just for me? Maybe he needs to get away. Be away from things or maybe just not be alone during this time.

“So…You want to get out of here this weekend ?” I ask as I hug him back. There’s this tightening of his muscles as he hugs me a bit tighter but a second later there’s this sort of body sigh that happens. He nods not saying anything.

We sit like that for awhile, well a few minutes actually and the longer he holds me the better it feels and…I really don’t want to go. I want to stay and I want more of this.

(Sigh.) “I should go, it’s late Chris.”

“You should stay, It’s late Shayne.”

I lean back and stare at him, he looks back at me. “I don’t want one of those relationships Chris…god I like you so much.”

Jesus he gives me that sweet smile of his and a bit of hair falls in his eyes as he sort of tilted his head. “I have pajamas.”

Oh…

I bite my lip and nod. “Okay…”

I get more of that smile, when Chris smiles it’s…It’s smile-porn. And with that thought I’m blushing again and he says. “Good, it’s too late for you to be driving home.”

“Okay…” I’m still a little smile-porned.

“I’ll show you where things are.”

“Uhm, yeah okay….” I’m really feeling…shy?, nervous, but happy-buzzy nervous. I’ve never actually felt this way before but it’s that feeling you read about in all those young romance books when you’re with this person and they’re giving you the pure happy girl butterflies inside. It’s such a heady, wonderful feeling and it’s like when I was very first feeling like I was way back when I was discovering myself but unlike then when it was the sex and clumsily being treated like a girl this, this feels so much more intense and the only organ working hard right now is my heart.

Chris’s place is still a work in progress actually. I see a lot of drywall done in a few rooms and he’s got some seriously nicely done rooms too. A modest living room with the original hardwood floors and wood paneling in there a nice T.V. and some leather chairs and a couch too.

I’m not sure what the other rooms will be but heading upstairs there’s a finished library? With lots of shelves and books and pictures but also a nice set of love seats and the window seat too. It’s really nice and I see some instruments in there too, guitars…I don’t care if it’s a bad cliché I love a guy that can play.

He takes me to the bedroom and it’s really nice. Big, very big like half the upstairs sort of like a loft room. Hardwood floors and this big closet and a modern styled bed like the ones without the frame and bed posts like you sort of see in those Japanese hotels and along the hallway wall some very big but nice dressers and stuff. He has one of the window turrets in there and it’s like little mini atrium thing with some plants there and it adds a peaceful scent to the place.

I like it it’s very neat and clean though I was expecting more of a mess but this, this looks like a maybe military kind of way to do things?

He opens a drawer and he takes out a set of flannel plaid blue pajamas and passes them to me. “Will these do?”

I take them. “Sure, I like flannel….uhm can I use the bathroom?”

“Sure right through there.” He points and I step though and it’s really nice all these old fixtures and there’s a dais set to the other window turret on this side of the house and a old styled claw footed deep tub. You could soak here and look out over the area from the tub safe in the second story window. It’s be really nice I think…or open the windows in a cool bath in the summertime.

There’s a separate shower stall and everything was just…so nice, it’s not all like I was expecting. It’s really masculine but in a decent way. It says things about him that fits. His house fits what he does for a living now. Potter…Glassblower, Artist…a guy looking maybe for something to balm the inside wounds.

I get changed and I normally would just use the top but given my circumstances right now I wear the whole set and I roll up the pant legs and use some bobby pins from my purse to clip them in place.

I’m nervous when I head out and I’m not sure what I was expecting but he’s in another pair of sweat pants but no shirt or shoes. I’m not sure what to feel at the sight. Scruffy but very guy, and tanned all over as far as I can see but he’s lean…lean and ripped like six pack make me want to reach out ab’s but scars…lines like cuts? Knives? Surgery? Other scars like tears healed in his skin on the side where he limps. A couple of strange starburst like ones too…those I know, where I live and have lived I know gunshot scars when I see them.

I don’t know how I feel seeing them now…I’m not turned off or up more by it but it’s like…It’s horrible and beautiful….moving in a way I honestly don’t get. I…It’s like seeing the price he paid, paid for us really up close and personal. God it’s so different when it’s someone you know.

I meet him at the bed and we shyly smile and roll back the sheets and slip into the sheets together. I’m just kind of looking at him and he looks back and slides over to me and I hug him.

“Thanks Chris, I know I keep saying this but thanks…”

He smiles at me but it’s kind of shy and nervous. “Okay…I…I really want you here…uhm, should we set the alarm?”

“I use my phone it’ll wake me up.”

“Okay…”

“Okay…”

We sort of smile again at the silly way we’re fumbling around at this and he turns the lights off from a dial at the head of the bed and we move around a bit and we actually end up spooning to start with and he’s holding me and I’m snuggled up to Chris and honestly I feel safer here right now than even with some of my ex’s.

It’s different…It’s scary, but it’s so much more real?

I drift into sleep like I don’t think I ever have and I think I felt him kiss the back of my head.