Hi.

Okay, sit down. I hope you are, because I’ve never written a letter quite like this in my life. I need you to try and read this all the way through before you judge me. It’s going to be weird and hard to accept or understand, but I HAVE to do this, for my own sanity, although you’re going to doubt I have any...

Hi.

Okay, sit down. I hope you are, because I’ve never written a letter quite like this in my life. I need you to try and read this all the way through before you judge me. It’s going to be weird and hard to accept or understand, but I HAVE to do this, for my own sanity, although you’re going to doubt I have any.

First thing I want to say is that I love you very much. I don’t know if you will be able to accept this. A large part of me worries that you will never want to talk to me again. I have a problem, and it’s not one that can be “cured” or that I can do much about. I have tried, almost my whole life, to deny this, or to wish it away. I have lied, I have hidden, and I have tried to run away from this. I cannot deal with it anymore; I can’t handle the depression and pain this causes me. If you never want to see me again, I will try to understand.

I am transgender. My body is a non-functional male, and my brain-well, my brain is female. I am a prisoner in this ugly, hulking, disgusting thing. I’ve spent most of my life trying to cover up the fact that I don’t fit. When I was a kid, I used to hide in the basement, knowing that I was perverted and insane, and that someday Mom and Dad were going to have to have me institutionalized. Did anyone wonder why I had a hard time with religion? I knew that I was an abomination, and could not be forgiven for my sins. I was sure that I was going to die and that I would burn in Hell.

I am not a transvestite, although I have experimented, and I won’t be changing my sex. I’ll die this way, and sometimes I think that it can’t come too soon. Am I a homosexual? That’s a hard question. Once again, I’ve experimented in the past. In my head, I’m a girl attracted to women. I consider myself a Heterosexual Lesbian. Let’s just say that sex is unimportant to me. My wife and I have never consummated our marriage, at least not in any conventional way.

As I said, I am completely non-functional, sexually. Really, I’ve always been this way. I’ll never have children of my own, which is one of my biggest regrets. Step kids are cool, but l get plenty of reminders that they aren’t MY kids.

I’ve learned a great deal about people like me, and there are a lot more of us than you think. There are actual biological causes for this, it’s not imaginary or delusional, and I certainly didn’t ask for this! I believe the leading theory is that it is a “glitch” in late brain development during the pregnancy. One belief is (if I understand it correctly) that the developing brain is exposed to a “Hormone Wash” which affects the brain in a crucial way. It’s no one’s fault, and there is nothing that can be done to change things. It would be like trying to change an arm to grow as a leg.

In case you are wondering, I do see a counselor to help me deal with this stuff. I thought I was handling it okay, but lately , my depression has become more intense. I get very grumpy and I just want to cry until it stops. It used to last for hours, but lately, it has taken days to recover. I’m really tired of trying to be someone I’m not.

I want to help you understand me. A writer I respect once used an interesting example. Take a pair of shoes; put the left one on the right foot and the right one on the left foot. Walk around in them. Not impossible, but not comfortable, either. Welcome to my life. Now do it for 40 years.

I have always tried to be as non-girly as I could be. I know I can never be a girl. Even cross dressing is ridiculous with this body. You won’t be seeing ME in a dress. I don’t want to “come out” to everyone, but I wanted you to know what’s been going on. My alternative is to start pulling away from everyone, and I don’t want to do that. If this is too much for you, I will do my best to understand. I love you no matter what.

I “created” the person you know, so that I could appear to be more masculine, to make everyone happy. He’s not “real”, it’s just a mask. Lately, it’s causing a lot of stress, and that is causing real, physical effects on my health, so I’m taking this risk.

Hi, my name is Wren. I’m a nice person, fairly intelligent, very ugly, but still…I’m kind of the big sister you never knew you had. I’m trying to take some control of my life, not change everything. I’m still (mostly) the same person you’ve always known, maybe a bit more relaxed, and in some ways a little happier. Do you think you can deal with this?

No, I didn’t send this. I’ve received some advice that I should do this in person. I’m working on it, but I’m terrified.

Wren