McKenzie continues waiting for the custody issue is settled and Father is removed from control over medical care decisions. The teacher who was at Bryce Canyon now wants to talk to McKenzie's mother. McKenzie sees the first signs of puberty begin to emerge and becomes desperate.

A Race Between Custody and Puberty

Our second trip to Bryce Canyon National Park had proven as eventful as the first. This time I met StacyLyn's biological father, Aunt Jessica, who educated me and Mom about transgender support resources and about the challenges that I would face if I decided to transition. At the end of our repeat hike on the Fairyland Trail I had found the courage to tell Mom that I did not want to grow up into a man. The big problem was Mom's concern about small-town gossip affecting the divorce and custody issues that were still pending before Judge Coleman. We were both afraid that my father would try to use my feminine behavior as a lever to retain legal rights over my upbringing and medical care. Meanwhile every day brought me closer to the hormonal changes that I dreaded. More and more of my classmates were showing the first signs of facial hair and changed voice.

The trip to Bryce had been an escape from the confines of Santa Carla and a rare chance to gain go out in public with Kaylie and StacyLyn and just be another girl. Presenting myself as a girl had been a big risk since this was spring break and lots of people from my home town were likely to be on vacation. That morning Jessica had taught me some t-girl skills, and I had left the motel wearing more makeup than usual and a stretch vee-neck top that showed simulated cleavage. I enjoyed the glances I had gotten from boys but we also had several close calls including when Ms. Byland, a teacher at my school, might have seen me in the Visitor Center. After spotting Ms. Byland I was hustled out of the museum area and into the car, and Jessica got me a oversized sweatshirt to cover up most of my appearance. Boxes of tissue and bottles of water had cleared the makeup from my face, but I had no boy clothes to change into. As a result we made a hurried departure for home Fortunately, we did not encounter Ms. Byland or anyone else from Santa Carla on our return. Now, my girl self now more closeted that ever. To minimize the risk of being seen as a girl I could dress at home, at Aunt Karen's, and in the car going directly in between, but that was all.

Being closeted made it difficult to have a decent wardrobe for my girl time. Given Mom's intense concern about community gossip getting back to Father I was certainly not allowed to waltz into a clothing store and openly shop for myself. We had worked out a few strategies as a compromise. Occasionally Mom did some 'gift shopping' and came home with a new item for me, but she was afraid to do this too often in case a clerk got suspicious about exactly who she was buying for. Aunt Karen and Kaylie came to the rescue with a couple of other work-arounds. My picking out mail order clothes then having Aunt Karen buy them on her credit card and having them shipped to her house was totally safe. After all Kaylie was my age and close to my size. But mail order denied me the opportunity to browse, admire, try on, select, and mix-and-match clothes like a normal girl. The other work-around was that the four of us would go shopping and act like everything was being bought for Kaylie. I got to browse and comment on choices but had to be careful that no one noticed that what we bought was not quite Kaylie's size. We were at the age when girls start having a growth spurt earlier than boys so she was now a little taller than me. On the other hand, I was afraid that I was already developing broader shoulders. I needed to address what was going to start happening to my body.

*****************
The week after the Bryce Canyon trip I was walking down the school hall at the end of the day when Ms. Byland came up to me. McKenzie, could you please step into my classroom? I need to talk to you."

I started to sweat. I knew that acting evasive just increased suspicions, but still tried an excuse. "I need to find Kaylie and get home right away this afternoon."

"It will take only a minute."

Reluctantly I followed. Ms. Byland was advisor for lot of extracurricular activities. I hoped that some club was what she wanted to talk about.

"Did you enjoy yourself over spring break?"

I wasn't sure how to take that question. It could be a polite conversation opener, but I immediately suspected she had seen me at Bryce Canyon Visitor Center and was asking how I felt about dressing as a girl. "It was OK, I guess."

"Just OK?" She smiled and handed me a note in a sealed envelope. "Please give this to your mother."

I headed back into the hall. I spotted Kaylie. "Ms. Byland gave me a note and asked me to give it to Mom."

"Well I can hardly guess what it is about. Maybe she has some fashion recommendations for you."

"Kaylie, this is serious! What should I do?"

"I don't see that you have any choice."

I got home and gave the note to Mom. She turned pale when I said it was from Ms. Byland. Her hands seemed to be shaking as she opened it. After a quick glance she sat down.

"Ms. Byland has asked to come here to talk with me as soon as possible. I'm sure it is about you. This is terrible. She must have seen you dressed as a girl at the visitor center."

"Are you going to invite her over?"

"What else can I do. Ignoring her will only make things worse."

*************

Ms. Byland came over after school a few days later. Mom had come home a bit early from work to tidy up the living room. Obviously, I stayed in my boy-mode school clothes that day. Mom had considered asking Aunt Karen to be present, but then decided this would make her look too defensive.

Ms. Byland arrived exactly at the scheduled time. She was neatly dressed as she always was at school. After a bit of friendly informal conversation Ms. Byland got right to the point.

"How long has McKenzie been dressing secretly as a girl?"

"You saw him at Bryce Canyon, didn't you? I really would appreciate if you would respect our privacy- what you saw was totally away from school."

"Mrs. Clark, I am trying to help."

"Help?"

"I have been suspecting something like this for a long time. I have known McKenzie since grade school and have seen that he has been repressing his feelings. You could always tell when his father was back from deployment because McKenzie would become even more withdrawn than usual. Recently he has been acting like he is hiding a guilty secret - that's not healthy."

I looked at Mom and could see nervous anxiety. "I'm sorry."

"McKenzie, never apologize for who you are. The McKenzie I see here is Santa Carla is always shy and trying to hide something. Last week at the Visitor Center I saw a stylishly dressed, attractive, self confident girl. She was animated, happy, and enthusiastic. Her appearance and body language was that of a leader who people want to have as a friend. I think the at Bryce Canyon I saw the real McKenzie for the first time." She paused and looked right at me. When I nodded in silent agreement she turned back to Mom. "At school McKenzie is happiest when he is around Kaylie's friends and the girls all accept him. When he is forced to be in an all-male setting he acts uncomfortable and withdraws. All the teachers notice this.

"Ms. Byland, I appreciate your trying to help. But please don't tell everyone about seeing McKenzie dressed as a girl in public."

"What concerns me is that keeping his real personality a secret is not good for McKenzie; People will respect him if he is honest first with himself. I am sure that the attractive, confident girl I saw in the national park would be accepted and popular here in Santa Carla."

"I absolutely can't let McKenzie parade around Santa Carla wearing a padded bra! This is a very conservative town."

"Mrs. Clark, or may I call you Carol?" Mom nodded. "People in this town have known for years that McKenzie is an extremely feminine boy. It's no secret, and it's not a big deal with most people."

"It will become a big deal if Sergeant Clark complains to Judge Coleman about how I am raising McKenzie. No matter what or how McKenzie feels inside I can't be seen as encouraging his acting like a girl. You can appreciate my concern -- the divorce proceedings are still before Judge Coleman."

"Judge Coleman is not as closed-minded as you seem to think."

"How do you know?"

"Judge Coleman is my second cousin. All the old families in town are intermarried. I talk to the judge at family gatherings all the time."

"Well, maybe he is progressive in his personal attitudes. I still don't want to take a chance."

"I respect your decision, but think you are being overly concerned." Ms. Byland turned toward me. "I want you to know that you come to me for help if you ever have a problem at school or elsewhere. I have no tolerance for discrimination or bullying. McKenzie, be who you really are, and be proud of it."

"Thanks. I may come and talk to you after class sometime."

"Anytime." Then she smiled. "You know, I would be delighted if the girl I saw at Bryce Canyon was the McKenzie that graduated from high school in a few years."

After Ms. Byland left Mom sat in the living room a long time. I decided it was best to leave her alone, and I went to bed early.

************
I was anxious to do anything possible to become more feminine while waiting in the closet. StacyLyn's biological father "Aunt Jessica' had emphasized doing things properly if I wanted good medical care, but she had also hinted at some 'grey therapy' approaches. One alternative therapy I had learned about was that 'excessive' use of lavender oil products sometimes caused slight breast development in boys. That sounded delightful. I started using my spare allowance money to buy anything and everything I could find over the counter that contained lavender oils: lotions, soaps, shampoo. Kaylie was with me on most of these shopping trips and sort of knew what results I was hoping for.

"So you think that using all this stuff is going to give you boobs? Why don't you just use tape and padding like Jessica taught you?"

"I read that this stuff can cause actual development in some cases. Maybe it will work for me too."

"How about other herbal treatments?"

"Like what?"

We were in the health and nutrition section of the drugstore." Well, this one is supposed to help women with hot flashes, maybe it can boost your estrogen too." She was definitely looking for something more. "Here it is 'Ultimate Breast Enhancer Formula!' Just the thing for you."

"I don't want to upset Mom by buying THAT in public."

"OK, I'll buy it and you can pay me back later. I'm a REAL girl and the clerk with think it's for me."

To my disappointment the lavender and phytoestrogens didn't work any magic. Actually my expectations were so high that I was not giving my self-medication credit. One evening I was wearing a rather tight girl-cut tee shirt when Aunt Karen took notice.

"McKenzie, turn so I can see your profile. Carol, look this is marvelous. Your little girl is starting to develop."

I blushed as Mom stood next to Aunt Karen and examined my figure. There was actually a little puffiness on my chest.

"McKenzie, I warned you about all the over-the-counter things you have been taking. Do you realize you are playing with fire? We have been trying to keep all this a secret and you have been trying to give yourself gycenomastia. What do you think a doctor will say if I have to take you in for a checkup or if you get sick?

"Don't worry so much Carol. Gycenomastia is becoming a more and more common medical condition these days. What with all the environmental chemicals around ..."

"I think McKenzie looks cute with those budding little boobs."

"Quiet, Kaylie! Let me talk to Carol in peace."

I was trying to sort all this out. Maybe I had already feminized more than I had thought. On the other hand Mom's reaction bothered me. She seemed to be having second thoughts about making me into a girl. I was getting more and more confused. I looked at Mom and Aunt Karen and decided this was as good a time as any to ask the question that had been bothering me.

"I need to understand what is going on. Will you two answer some important questions?"

"Of course, dear."

"Aunt Karen, why did you ever suggest my dressing like a girl on that first trip to Bryce Canyon? I enjoyed what happened, but I have never understood why you thought it was a good idea."

"McKenzie, I have known you since you were born. Even when you were a toddler you showed interest in girls' things. You probably have forgotten the doll you loved to play with, or the way you cried when your father found it and threw it out. I could see how happy you were whenever you had a chance to play in a girl role. But, as you got older I saw you struggling to suppress your feminine side in response to demands from your father. When Jared Clark was home he pushed you to be tough and do what he thought of as manly, and you always ended up upset and crying in your room. I could see the tragedy developing but there was little I could do."

I looked at her and nodded in agreement.

"I always felt that you would be happier if you were a girl, and I read a lot about gender identity in children. Carol and I talked a lot about this, but your mother was afraid of your father and his reaction. When your father asked for a divorce I saw an opening. I was sure that all you needed was a little push to send you on a path of discovering your real self."

I was misty-eyed by now. "Mom, do you want me to be a girl or not? Sometimes you seem delighted with having a daughter, but other days you seem to be discouraging me."

"I want you to be happy now and grow up to be happy and successful in whatever you choose. I am ..., how can I say this..., I"

"Carol, share with McKenzie the conversation we had last week."

"If you truly want to become a girl I will help you become one."

"Then why do you sometimes seem upset when I do things like try herbal treatments?"

"I just don't want anything to interfere with the custody issues. You don't want the court to demand that you spend half the year living with him do you? Or what if he insisted that you be sent to a military -prep boarding school? If I get the court to award me have full custody then he cannot interfere if I allow you to voluntarily transition into a girl. Until then we have to be very careful. "

The possibility of having to live with my oppressive father never crossed my mind. The idea sent shivers up my spine. Demands to play tackle football, go hunting and target shooting, hanging around the motorcycle park with his beer drinking buddies -- those where the things had happened during his times at home between deployments. I couldn't imagine facing months of this without Mom around was terrifying.

"I think I understand. You are willing to let me become a girl, but only after the judge makes the custody decision."

"McKenzie, you mother and I will be delighted to do everything we can to make you into a girl. Carol and I agree we have to wait until the time is right."

***************
I knew that puberty was fast approaching. The stuff they had talked about in health class seemed disgusting. I wanted no part of deep voice, beard, hairy chest, or big muscles. Kaylie had been right; I would have been much happier if I could have gone into the other classroom and attended the girls' session on puberty even if I didn't have the right plumbing.

Kaylie and I still spent a lot of time together after school. I appreciated her accommodating my dressing even though it meant that it limited her ability to invite other girls over. Obviously she couldn't have guests when I was in girl-mode at her place. One afternoon we had taken a break from our homework and were listing to music and singing along with the recordings. We were doing a rendition of a song by a female singer and I suddenly noticed trouble hitting the highest notes. I considered myself a good singer and had never had this problem before. I was scared.

That night I took a shower then carefully examined my body. I was sure I was seeing more and darker hairs than even a few months ago. I went to the guest bedroom and got the magnifying mirror I used when practicing with makeup and looked closely at my face. Thin fuzz was apparent where I had never seen it before.

The next evening I was wearing more feminine after school clothes than usual while I helped Mom in the kitchen. I sensed the Mom was in a good mood for a serious conversation, and she had just complemented me on how pretty I looked. I had been rehearsing what I was going to say all day, and I took this sign of accepting the girl McKenzie as a good omen.

"Mom, we need to talk about ... puberty. You know ... uhh ... the stuff they talk about in health class. Male secondary characteristics and all that." I had lost my carefully planned lines,

"OK. Let's sit down and talk."

We went into the living room and sat down close to each other on the sofa.

"I think I know what you want to talk about, You have mentioned many times how much you dread the idea of growing up as a man."

"Yes, I told you at Bryce Canyon that I do not want to grow up as ..."

"McKenzie, I love you, But, right now there isn't a lot I can do. The custody decision isn't final."

"Jessica suggested we go the clinic in California. She assured us that they know how to keep things confidential."

"That still is a big risk. Look how many close calls we have had."

"Mom, I think my voice is already starting to change. I can see more hair growing all over. I can't be a convincing pretend girl much longer. Jessica kept telling us that 'younger is much easier.' I don't want to have to try to undo all the awful things that testosterone will do to me." I started crying.

"McKenzie, dear, I know how you feel."