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Well, the latest little story I wrote has started an avalanche of struggle with my rape, bringing all my bad stuff right to the front of my head, and leaving me wishing to God I had someone to hold me tight while I shook....
I hate this.
Does it ever really end?
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Comments
Sadly, time doesn't heal
but it can dull the pain.
Thinking of you.
S.
No...
...but every day can be better than the day before.
Love, Andrea Lena
...
*HuggleSnugglePurrsoftlyintoyourearNuzzleyourcheek*
For me ...
... the best I can hope for is a few days of respite, and then it is a downward spirl. I am finding that my bottoming is not as vicious as it use to be, but I still cannot tell my therapist about my abuses, over than in general broad stroaks. But then, I have so many disconnects that we are having to teach me to understand what emotions are, and how to handle them first.
I would strongly recommend you get a therapist. Talking in the long run helps. If you cannot afford one, see your local mental health agency and get a referral from them. It may take some time, but if you want the help, it is out there.
Kendra Manderscheid
(One step at a time is working)
No it doesn't. I still
No it doesn't. I still remember my near experience very well. It does not hurt me as bad as your actual rape. What helped me though was to write the incident into a short story, the first try was what actually happened but it did not feel right to me so I rewrote it to where I was actually raped and it helped me face the fears I had. I remember thinking what if the guy came back and forced me to have sex luckily he took my no for an answer and all I saw was his erect dick. If you need to talk about it you could write me or try what I did and it may help you deal with your pain and fears.
Constant reliving of the past.
I have not been able to write about my past in a story except very obliquely and finally came to the conclusion that going back to re-examine it excessively amounts to self injury, so I had to demure.
Gwendolyn
For everybody it is
For everybody it is different, Gwen. For me it was very healing to write my worst fears of what could have happened and since then it hasn't bothered me as much. I can still see his face, his body, his exposing himself in the college library where I was working. I remember fighting the nausea for a week and forcing myself to go back to work. I was scared of being alone with men in the bathrooms as I was still denying my gender problems then. I guess we all have to find a way to deal with the pain that is right for us.
I haven't had a similar issue
However, like most folks, I've had some painful issues that won't go away. When ghey get really bad, I usually try to "write my problem out". I think it helps me, at least for a while. The issues always come back, especially when I'm stressesd, and they are always very painful.
One thing that worries me is that sometimes something inside me WANTS the pain, and the more it hurts, the better. I don't get this as much as I used to, thanks to some of my anti-deppreants, but it still happens. I worry that something is very wrong inside, and I've thought about going back to my therapist, although, to tell the truth, I don't think he was much use the mfirst time.
Wren