As I wander in the tunnel I dug for myself, and knowing that the light coming toward me is an oncoming train that I built, fueled, and sent toward me, I wonder if I am going to survive its impact. Somehow, no amount of bracing myself seems to be helping ...
I seem to have a high self-preservation instinct. Not only cant I kill myself, I cant even make myself go crazy properly....
Every day I pray I havent wasted my life, that somehow, something I've done will actually mean something in Eternity. If not, why be here at all?
I have an amazing support network. I cant possibly even imagine what makes so many great people want to help me, but they do. Some day, I hope to show that all that effort has actually been worth it. It would also be nice if I could "pay it forward" and do some good for someone else.
I dont often miss the sexual aspect of being in a relationship. But to have someone who thinks I'm sexy as well as a good companion wouldnt be a bad thing.
I got called "Fugly" at my daughter's school yesterday. Okay, so I wont win beauty pageants. does that mean some elementary kid can call me names? And are thy harassing my daughter?
Comments
Girl
You need a friend. I wish I was closer, but all I have is words. You are respected and admired here, I wish you could see yourself as others see you.
Be kind to yourself. She may not act like it, but your kid needs you. If you haven't tried Laura's Playground yet I highly recommend it. You will find many people who have gone through the misery to the other side, who care deeply. I keep finding common experience there, it feels eerie sometimes.
I've been looking into options myself, I don't know where I am going, but it is scary. The one constant is the people telling me it really does get better.
Are you really asking for help?
"As I wander in the tunnel I dug for myself, and knowing that the light coming toward me is an oncoming train that I built, fueled, and sent toward me, I wonder if I am going to survive its impact."
You made it, you know it's coming. Then why the heck don't you step away at the very least. People have told you over and over again how. It's up to you if you don't want to listen to them.
"Every day I pray I havent wasted my life, that somehow, something I've done will actually mean something in Eternity."
Praying is not like wishing on a genie's magic bottle. Praying is not wishing. When your prayer is answered, it is not like a wish that's granted - rather, you are given the chance or opportunity, but it's up to you to take advantage of the opportunities that are opened up for you. It is useless praying if you continue to pass up the opportunities that come your way, or continue to ignore help given you. "God helps those who help themselves," right? One of these days you will have to take responsibility for yourself.
"Okay, so I wont win beauty pageants. does that mean some elementary kid can call me names?"
Really? You are asking that about a kid? Better get some perspective. This is a kid. If it were an adult, maybe you can expect a modicum of common courtesy, of consideration. You are really asking this of a kid?
"And are thy harassing my daughter?" I suppose you are already taking steps to find out if they are harassing her? Or is this like a zen question only, like asking yourself the question, "what is life?"
I'm sorry for being tough this time. It's not as if I haven't tried the other way, but it doesn't seem to get through.
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/28895/replacing-my-cards#...
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/32740/family-girl-14-bein...
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/33074/worst-time-year#com...
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/33113/family-girl-20-bein...
If you don't take responsibility, take control of your life, and face the music despite how tough it can be, you will be going around and around this same depression circle. Or maybe you aren't really seeking help?
Again - sorry for being tough. But I refuse to empower you to continue doing this "woe is me" shtick. You have some good things going for you. But it's up to you if you want to ignore them and continue to dwell on the bad things. It's up to you to continue digging tunnels and stepping in front of trains. It's up to you.
Is this tough love? You betcha. Time to shape up, kid, and take responsibility. Stop this already.
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