They say confession is good for the soul, but bad for the reputation, so I might as well find out if they're right by making a confession of my own.
There are bits of my mind that scare the heck out of me.
Sometimes it feels like I may not be alone in my head, and somewhere in the boatload of darkness inside me there is something, or someone else.
And that something or someone isnt a nice critter in any way, shape or form.
During the worst moments after my accident, I could FEEL myself slipping out of sanity, and what waits to take over ... well, it wouldnt be good news for anyone who likes or loves Dorothy, lets put it that way.
And there is also my deep shame about my rape.
Sometimes, I not only have flashbacks by accident. Sometimes, I trigger it on purpose for one reason.
Something in the experiance actually turns me on.
I remember what happened, or have a fantasy of it happening again - and I get aroused.
And that scares me beyond my ability to describe it.
Ah, well.
Comments
Thank you Dorothy,
There are a lot of us on BCTS who are unfortunate to
have been raped,but there is no shame, as we were the victims,
no more,no less.
ALISON
You are not alone.
I don't know anyone without a dark side. If you were the only one to feel aroused by subjugation then I would have a concern. If Vickie Tern did not exist it would be necessary to invent her.
If you would tolerate the opinion of an outside observer, the only thing wrong with you is that "yer worries too much". As Popeye said "I yam what I yam.". Then there was Bogart and his hill of beans...
In the grand scale of things none of us matter too much except to each other and that is all that really counts.
Be well. We... I... Care.
Thera
Since I Usually Say This,
It might have become boring, but.... I've felt that way, apparently because of severe depression. I took antipsychotic meds for a year and that mildly psychotic stuff, hearing voices, thinking something or someone else is in my head, all stopped and have never come back.
OTOH, my nightmares are mild and don't pertain to anything bad that may have happened to me as a kid. I don't have flashbacks.
I'm not having a terrible time all that often, but, still the worst times in my life are because of problems right now, or right then; things in the present and not in the past.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
I know the darkness
I know the darkness of that act. I had it done to me before and it has plagued my mind for so long mew. I had my therapist help me with this, but I often wondered if it meant that I had become infected with some kind of disease, and thatn I was going to do the same thing as the monsters that stole my innocence. But I'm not, I'm me, I'm stronger than any disease caused by that act and I will never become a monster, I'd kill myself first mew.
You are strong enough to beat this too, if you need any help, I pray you find it. I know how strong the darkness can be but always remember YOU ARE STRONGER.
I know who I am, I am me, and I like me ^^
Transgender, Gamer, Little, Princess, Therian and proud :D