Well, yesterday I made the first steps to getting myself out of the hole I've dug. My brother took me to the police station and I made my statement regarding the accident, and was given a ticket for distracted driving. My insurance company is closed for the holiday weekend (Its Victoria Day Monday), so the next step will be on Tuesday, and that one could be worse.
While we were dealing with this, my brother and I had a conversation about my transition, and there were four things he wanted to convey to me. One, He loved me even if he doesnt approve; Two, He's seen that at the very least this has given me "distance and perspective" from certain events in my life, allowing me to make some progress dealing with them, which makes him happy; Three, he believes that despite that the end result will be a dead end, that I will never be happy even if I get the surgery because the problem is internal, not about what I wear or call myself or even if I have male parts or not. In his words "It will never be enough." Lastly, the reason for point three is that the root cause of this is lack of self-forgiveness and submission to God's authority.
Its this idea of self-forgiveness that I wish to focus on at the moment, because its true that there are some things in my life I have trouble forgiving myself for, in part because I'm still suffering the consequences of them.
One is the moment of anger that cost me my job as a Nurse's Aide. That decision not only cost me that job, but to this day prevents me from working in that field again, and that kind of work not only pays better, but is a lot less physically tasking than the only work I can find now.
Another sin I'm still paying for is the whole marriage thing. I made a lot of bad calls in that - by not telling my ex about my struggle before I got married I put the whole relationship on the wrong foot right from the start, plus I allowed that internal struggle prevent me from doing the sort of "maintenance" stuff any relationship needs, not to mention me also seeking to numb myself in the way I did which put us in such a bad financial position we lost our house.
My ex has done a pretty amazing job of making lemonade from the lemons I left her with, but she's still not in the best of positions, and that's not counting the damage this caused my family and especially my daughter. Frankly I just dont know how to make it up to them, or that its even possible to make it up to them, and that hurts on occasion.
But somehow, I don't think these are the sins my brother is referring to. I think he's talking about my rape - that I was left with such a feeling of self-hatred from it that I've turned my back on my own masculinity as being the source of that conflict, and have gone over to the girl side in reaction to it. I think he's suggesting that if I forgive myself, forgive my rapist, and give the whole thing to God I will be able to be a man, and this gender struggle will cease.
My current trouble is I'm not always 100 % sure he's wrong.
I mean, it doesnt feel like that to me. To me, it feels like I've finally found the piece of me that was lost during my rapes, that in embracing Dorothy I'm actually being more true to my actual inner nature than not. And through my counseling I've made a lot of progress in realizing that I was not at fault, and that progress hasn't increased my desire to be a male at all.
Plus, I have received wonderful moments of closeness to God I have trouble believing I would be getting if this was really not in His plans for me.
Doesnt totally remove my doubts, or make this transition easy, however.
Ah, well.
Comments
Forgiveness
I am gonna say this in public because it needs to be out here... Your brother means well but he is so full of crap it seems to overflow. 1 he isnt you & has no idea of what you are going through mentally , he also has too much of thie church ideals pushing at you .Personally I think that you ned to thank all nicely for their thoughts & advice and do what make you ,you ;Dont let what others think run your life they arent you sry for the rant but people like that fry my butt be who you want to be 'nuff said
Agreed
Folks who don't have TG can't understand, not really. Those with better imaginations can try, but the depression is something unique I think. My Dad used to tell me I needed to choose not to be depressed, his version of man up.
I've been lucky, I have no horror stories, but I still have the feelings. They are part of being born in the wrong gender.
Dot...
What the hell are you supposed to forgive yourself for? Where were you wrong? Sorry but I don't see it.
Forgive your family, maybe, for forcing your former path upon you, and for being so bigoted and self righteous as to not even be able to see the evil in their own words, actions and expectations?
That I can see, but I can't see that you need to forgive yourself for being a victim when you had no idea how to end it.
I know you take comfort from your faith, but you cannot allow those who have hijacked it for hatred to rule your relationship with your god, and I'm pretty sure the god you believe in is a god of forgiveness and love, not the angry vengeful Jove of the Church.
If anything, forgive yourself for the violence you have done to your own soul at the behest of others...
Love,
Abby
Brother Playing God
I am never impressed how some men of whatever faith, try to take the role of God on there own shoulders. God is God people are people and no person on this mortal earth who uses the bathroom in the morning and has to eat food can speak for God or play interrupter of Gods will. People think that the Bible can contain all that God is rather than just the hint of how to find God within your self and all of those around you. This is the most personal quest any sentient being can seek. The next is understanding who and what you are, your brother for all of his loving can not grasp that you are you not his image if you.
1] You are a survivor of a violent physically abusive crime. But you survived and should be proud of it, your brother is trying to dominate you by pretending he is Gods personal spokesmen. NO NO NO NO.
2] You are alone in Gods knowledge, just as you are alone in your knowledge of God. No one has any place interpreting anything concerning your relationship with the big guy.
3] Being TS is just as important to you as being a person it is your make up and no desert dwelling bronze age religion has any thing to say about it. If you are here and you are God wants you here for his and your purpose and no one else's. He is God and the one and only being with any say so about it. May be your brother needs to just let Gods job to God and try to live his own life according to the rules as your brother understands it rather than beating on you when you are down.
Love you and your spirit so please stay sweet and keep the faith.
Michele
With those with open eyes the world reads like a book
Forgiveness, and Grace...
I almost wasn't going to answer this because I've had my own struggles with my faith over the years. I'm in a good place now with that, I think. While I identify as a Christian without apology, it's a very open-minded, eclectic, liberal, non-dogmatic Christianity. God loves and accepts me as I am, I believe. Although on some visceral level, I still worry. Years of indoctrination behind that, even though my mind and my heart now tell me God isn't like all those wrathful projections other people pushed on me over the years. But the fact is, none of us knows. Submit to God's authority? What is God's authority? God has never gone on CNN (much less Fox News) and done an interview. The Torah, the Bible, the Quran, other holy books of other faiths? Are any of those Divine Revelation? Inspired? Maybe all of them are inspired, and have a piece of the truth? Or heck, maybe the atheists are right. None of us knows. All I know is my faith has been reawakened this last decade, and my "relationship with God" is at a good place. And this gives me peace of mind, or as someone dear to me described it recently, a "quiet grace" about me. I'm a lot less worried about what other people say, especially about my faith or my salvation or my place in the afterlife, etc. That's between me and God, and other people don't figure into it. But I'm also realistic and know none of us (me included) has an accurate and complete understanding of the Mind of God. Or can grasp such, much less write it in a single book. If God does exist, She is probably so much more amazing than we can even conceive of. And has the wisdom to see through all the BS we build around ourselves and grow up with.
Sorry, getting preachy. Take away my soap box. I just meant to say that your brother's beliefs are his beliefs. He can "not approve" all he likes, but it's you who has to live your life, and decide the best way to do that as a happy and healthy complete person, including if you have to be Dorothy (or always were Dorothy inside) to do that. I'm not against him asking the question. By all means, ask yourself that. If you can't question yourself and your own beliefs, that suggests you may know they are in error. Face the doubts squarely and examine them. But your brother's question suggests his own bias in that respect. He probably doesn't want to lose his brother, Todd, so he wants to think Todd is just running away into Dorothy. And maybe there is some truth to it, although only you can decide. Did you always feel like Dorothy inside, and Todd was the shell?
If I recall past posts from you, after the rape you repressed Dorothy completely and threw yourself into being Todd. Something many transgender people try/do, sometimes for most of their lives. It sounds to me more like you have begun healing the scars enough to face the Dorothy within, not that you are just feeling the pain now and trying to run from it by running from your maleness. But I can't say because I'm not you. I don't know your heart, your experiences, your reality. Only you can answer that. But by all means, ask yourself the questions, even the tough ones (they're the most important ones sometimes).
Forgiveness is a great thing. A healing thing. Forgiving others, and forgiving yourself. I'm still working on the latter. I still feel like such a screwup most of the time. Yeah, yeah, I grew up with very low self-esteem. Nobody beat me up for my regrets and mistakes more than I did. Although my mom came close at times. :P But I'm learning to forgive myself. And move on, not dwell on it. I never made it to the "move on" part because I couldn't forgive myself. I would just dwell on them and continue the cycle, making my self-esteem even worse. I know that now. Not exactly the same (and certainly not to the same degree), but similar to your shame and humiliation about the rape. Once you can forgive yourself, you'll realize (on more than just the intellectual level) you never needed forgiveness because it was done TO you. The guilt was never yours. But first you have to forgive yourself to deal with the FEELING that it was your shame.
I know I'm not one for PMing with people much, but if you ever want to talk, my inbox is always open to you, Dot.
Lisa Dani
Always on Team Dorothy
Why
I was having an interesting conversation with a friend of mine who lives in my apartment building (am ramblings can get very odd). He is f2m, and we were talking about whether or not the abuse he dealt with as a child made him the way he is. In the end, the conclusion he came to is that it doesn't really matter why he feels like a man, the fact remains that he does.
I thought of you when he said that. I know you worry about that maybe your feelings came from the rape, but in the end, I don't think it matters. The fact remains that you do in fact feel like a woman, and that's that. You know how to get hold of me if you want to talk more about it.