Lead Shoes-10

Chapter 10

I’m floating on air as I get into the house and I’m not going fast but in my new boots I make it all the way into the kitchen to grab something out of the fridge to drink and nibble on while I start my homework.

I get some Cheese Whiz and some Ritz crackers and a glass of soymilk and a stick or two of celery and okay I am feeling it by the time I get to the sofa but once I’m there I’m feeling something else took. My nipples…hard, oh so hard and like tiny little achy rocks and when I rub them and the little swells it feels nice. Like really nice but way more than that it feels real…and it feels right.

I am growing breasts, my breasts and Will…Will has me turned on? Is this what it feels like? I just cup and hold myself after a few minutes of that…God…This really does feel like a huge piece of me just got woken up and brought to life.

And…

Oh…

Oh gawd…

I have a boner!

I’m sitting there kind of stunned as Mom comes in and stares a minute before giggling. “Kayla…is there a reason why you’re just sitting there holding your boobs?”

“Mom……”

“What….?”

“I’ve…I’ve got a boner…” (Sniffle.) Yeah I’m a little upset and freaked out by this.

“Okay…you’re holding your boobs and you have an erection.”

(Sniffle.) “Yeah…”

“Tell me what happened?”

I relay the actual really good day that I’ve had up until now and I know when I’m talking about Will I sorta go off somewhere else but he’s so nice…and cute and dreamy…

“So…you’ve started to really get that first bit of attraction then.”

“Huh?”

“To boys?”

“Huh?”

Mom rolls her eyes and gets an ice tea out of the fridge and smiles at me. “Kayla it’s okay…your breasts feel way more “Alive” then what you’re used to is you starting to really hit puberty…Will turned you on.”

“Oh…”

Blink, blink… “But the boner?”

“That’s normal too.”

“But I’m on hormones and stuff.”

“And they’re doing their job, but Kayla it’s still gong to work…it’s less and less right?”

“Yeah…but this was really hard…normally all I get is a semi since they kicked in.”

“It’s still normal.”

“How?” (Sniffle)

“You got stiff when you were feeling your boobs and thinking about Will right?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Well you had lots of stimulation and it beat out the usual hormone effects.”

“Huh, beat out the usual hormones?”

“Kayla, what did the doctors tell you to expect when you go for SRS?”

I try and repeat most of it but she stops me. After I got to them taking my outtie and making an innie.

“Kayla think…”

It takes a few minutes. I’m not stupid but just I never thought that…

“This means that…”

“Your stiffy is from getting turned on as a girl.”

“Oh…cool.”

Mom of course rolls her eyes and we sort of leave it at that except for a really embarrassing talk about boys and T-girls and oral and butt sex. I’m not into butt-sex, I’m never…ever! Going to be into butt-sex. I’ll wait until I’m me, the real me and then I’ll have sex…the right way.

Eww…no…Ow! And ewww.

Now I know that mom’s explanation isn’t all accurate and stuff but it kind of is. As I go through stuff at home and more so at school the hormones are working their magic and I’m feeling more and more me everyday. I’m changing too with my skin and even my voice, oh I’m lucky with my voice. I guess being a shy quiet soft spoken kid helps when you start to change. I’m not as high pitched as some of the girls are but I’m not deep toned either.

And it’s more or less true about the stiffy situation. Actually it’s gotten to the point where unless I’m really feeling it…Like with my girls being awake and perky and happy and stuff it really doesn’t work.

Will…

God Will’s been a sweetheart.

I mean there’s no one really being like total asshole about my transition and stuff except for the odd asshole but y’know they’re kind of assholes generally anyway so…no big deal really. I don’t even have problems with the girls. Well there a couple of those that don’t like me or Sammi because…well.

We actually look better than they do.

We have guys that actually talk to us and even flirt. Mind you it often never goes more than that but it’s nice to be flirted with at any rate.

But Will, he’s always there. We talk and we hang out and it’s good and he treats me really great and flirts best out of all the guys. He calls me princess…I actually like that. I know that some girls won’t that they thing it’s like condescending or something but I really don’t get those girls.

I’m home and Will and I are doing an English project where we’re trying to make a bunch of poems out of non poetic famous quotes. It’s actually quite hard and there are times just looking stuff up that leads us off track.

I notice him looking at me at one point and he smiles at me.

“What….?”

“Just looking?”

“Why?”

“Just because.”

“Will that’s not a reason.”

“Okay…It’s because you’re beautiful.”

“Will!”

“You are.”

“I’m…I’m not, not really…”

“Yes you are and I can prove it.”

“Oh yeah how?”

He slides across the sofa and he kisses me.

I think my eyes went so wide that it popped my eardrums. It…It…oh…oh this is nice…I like this.

Oh kissing boys is of the good.

And it gets better, and better…and I know I should’ve been more guarded and coy and whatever but before I know it he’s got my boobs in his hands…and feeling, touching, squeezing gently and so right…so right not enough…oh dammit that’s good!

My boobs are growing, they ache and itch and sort of hurt a lot but when they’re not doing that they are awesome…yes I’ve done stuff trying out my whole feminine exploration of self but there has never been a point where they have ever felt so damned good.

My inner girl soul is squealing and doing the happy dance while throwing super slim feminine hygene product confetti around.

“Oh…Will…”…………………………. “Will, Will, Will…!”

“Kayla?”

“Y..Yes…?”

“Be my girlfriend?”

“Huh…?”

“Be my girlfriend, got steady with me.”

“But we…we haven’t gone out yet?”

“We go out all the time?”

“But those weren’t dates, we were hanging out.”

“They were dates to me.”

“Oh…”

I’m really getting into this and there’s a lot of stuff going on through my head even with Will’s kisses and hands making my brain bubble. But I keep kind of skipping to…I’m going to get worse…eventually I’m going to get worse and I…I really, have only so many years where I’ll be like this and….oh…and it’s not the CP that gets you…it’s everything else. But still I’m…I’m going to…

“Yes…”

“Yes…I want to be your girlfriend…I want to be me Will, I want to be me and I want to live as much as I can.”

He stops and looks at me and he’s not mad, he’s not hurt that part of my yes is about this instead all I see there is that he gets it. He does and he kisses me and then he holds me, pulling me in tight to him and that’s so nice but confusing too.

“Good…good Kayla…”

“Will?” He kind of sounds upset in that my voice box is seizing up way.

“I know this sucks…that there’s stuff that you go through that I’ll never get, that you fight all the time but I was scared.”

“Scared?”

“Scared that you’d be afraid to try.”

“Try what?”

“To love.”

He kisses me again and it’s the…there’s all kinds of kisses but then there’s those kisses that you feel right down to the bottom of your feet. All the way down into your soul and there’s this feeling in there now like someone just too something that was pulling down on me…away.

I feel like I could fly.