CHAPTER 21
That was the end of winter as far as I was concerned. The actual weather around me was not relevant, because I had that smile to come to each day, and the two months that led to my birthday were filled with laughter and great silliness. It seemed that once I had shown the world whose he was, his shyness evaporated, and there was a curious reaction from the other girls.

It seems that when something is taken by one person, others then perceive it as desirable, and wish it for themselves. All the time my Benoit had been treated so badly by those girls, he had been unwanted. The fickle did not desire him because the popular looked the length of their noses at him. Too big, too clumsy, too blond, all of that childishness. Now that he was being seen with me there was a rush of declarations that he had always been liked, that particular girls would be better for him than that tall one with neither bosom nor behind but a nose that was bigger than what she lacked.

I first heard of this from Elle. “You must hear this, Sophie! That Nicolette Jeunet, the bitch, she has said things to Benoit, and Matty told me the words. She said to him that he must have odd tastes, because you are like a stick dried in the sun, and why else would he be with you instead of with someone with a proper woman’s shape, and Benoit, Matty says, he said that he would rather watch your behind, in trousers, than some haunches so fat they quivered when she walked, and then Matty said, he said I don’t know, Benny, you could always slap the fat and ride upon the waves”

I found myself laughing and blushing all at the same time. “Elle, slow down! You will not forget everything if you don’t tell it all at once. My Benoit, he said this? And Matthieu, he was with him?”

“Well….”

I held my hand up. “Short answer, please”

She grinned, and nodded. “Yes. Sophie, we are lucky girls, no? To have such men for our own?”

“Indeed we are, little one, indeed we are. And Margot too. We must think of some way of thanking our handsome---no, Elle, that is not what I meant! You are obsessed!”

“No I am not! I just know what I like, and he knows I like it”

Oh. “You have not, you know, that?”

“Oh no, Sophie, not that, no! But there are other games one can play, and I do not mean tormenting the poor boy with frustration. You can…”

Elle proceeded to explain in great and lurid detail what games she meant, and I was so hot in the face I thought my head would burst open. When words came back to me, I had to ask.

“These things, you have done them?”

There was a hint of a blush in her face. “One of them, yes. With my hand. I really do not know if I could do the other things”

“But, Elle, those things, they are all for his pleasure, and not yours, no?”

Her grin reignited. “In some ways, yes, but it is the control that you have that is your gratification. They are so easy just then, so domesticated”

“Elle, I cannot do such things. Think, just imagine, if Benoit should reach between my legs with his hand, what he might say or do”

“Then do not let him. And if you place yourself so that those parts are beyond his reach…but always keep a paper tissue to hand”

“You are incorrigible!”

“No, just happy. What shall we do for the boys and their chivalry?”

“Perhaps the cinema? The film will not matter, because you will not see it”

She grinned in a wicked way. “Neither, I think, will you!”

So it was that we travelled once more into the city one Friday in March, and I made sure that I wore a thick undergarment and a jean. I cannot remember the film that we were to see, but it was of little importance, because what mattered was my company. The lights dimmed, Elle and Matty began to devour each other as was their way, and I settled against my big man. At first, I merely leant upon his shoulder, but then I turned in his embrace so that I could place my hand on his chest. He was wearing a real shirt, with buttons, and I loosened one so that my hand could reach inside.

There were hairs, and some softness over the muscle, and I found myself drawing my fingers through the little forest. Benoit sighed, and brought my face to his, and he was a little more forceful than of normal. There was a tongue, and then his hand moved to my breast. I broke away from the kiss to whisper to him.

“Not all of that is real, Benny”

“I don’t care. I merely wish to do something nice to the parts that are”

He in turn loosened one of my buttons, and then his hand squirmed awkwardly, and somehow lifted my support from over my breast, taking with it the rabbit-flesh until his fingers found what was part of me, and then I was transported. I had only been taking my medicines for about half of one year, but they had changed parts of me in that time, and the one thing that had altered was my sensitivity in the place he had found. I had to kiss him to keep myself from making noises.

We stayed like that for what seemed both an eternity and no time at all, until Benny withdrew his hand and began to move it to that place I dreaded. I almost felt like laughing, as I pulled his hand back to the place I had previously denied, but I could not take that risk, and besides it was very, very pleasurable. Kisses, and intimate caresses, what delight.

I realised that Benoit was getting aroused, and at that some devil came to me, and I let my hand fall from his chest to the place I had denied him on my own body, and I found that Elle’s powers of observation were very good. It was enormous. I could feel the length of it, caught in his jean, and as I touched it, as gently as I could, it moved, and Benny made a groan and pushed my hand down hard. It was so much bigger than my unwanted flesh, and from what I had seen as a brother to Roland, it was far larger than his, and I felt a small moment of triumph over my sister-in-law-to-be before reminding myself that it was I who lacked.

The devil still lived in me, however, and I reached for first the button, and then the zip, and then thanked Providence that he did not wear a jean that fitted close to his skin, because---

Because I could get my hand in, and touch it, and I felt my heart beating as strongly as the pulse I could feel in his piece. And I can say no more and yet be decent, but Elle had been correct in her advice about paper tissues, and as I felt what happened, I thought.

How could anyone do that other thing she had described, with all that happened as Benoit shook in my hand? And yet, his obvious pleasure, the excitement I brought him, it simply made me wish to do more and more for this boy, and it was at that exact point, as I held a tissue to his penis, that I realised I was in love with him. Not just fond, not just sexually excited by him, but thinking of how life might be if we were to follow the trail blazed by my brother and Margot. In love, indeed, and yet there remained the fact that I could do nothing more than I had for him. I certainly could not give him children.

So I kissed him again, and he clothed his lower parts once more, and I tried not to weep.