CHAPTER 28
That was another start to my life. I seemed to be enjoying a series of births, as woman, as daughter to my mother, as sister to my dear brother, as lover to Benny…as daughter to my Papa. He held me for a moment longer.

“Your sister must not know of this, not yet”

Another birth, and with those words he showed me that he recognised me not only as his child but as part of his family. My tears prolonged the embrace so much that my mother entered the kitchen and our embrace became threefold. Maman eventually began to chuckle.

“This is amusing, no? Second marriages, wicked stepmothers, and already we are closer than people would dream. Sophie, we must leave the others to their ignorance for the moment, but…”

Guillaume, Papa, tightened his grip for an instant. “Yes, it is necessary, but once we have dealt with all of the unpleasant necessities I will do this thing, I will recognise my daughter before the world”

I simply murmured “And what of Margot?”

He kissed my cheek. “And Margot does not already love you as her sister? Just remember one thing: this next Summer, we take our holiday as a family. Even if it is only at Arromanches on the Municipal Ground. Now, coffee for our guests, otherwise they will be restive”

We filled the coffee-maker and carried it with the necessities to the table, and I caught Abdullah’s gaze upon me, and I felt my soul was lying open before him for inspection. There was no threat, but it was clear how piercing his mind was, how difficult to mislead. Margot took my arm as I sat.

“You have been crying: why?”

“Happiness, Margot. Just happiness. This is becoming all that I have ever dreamt of, and sometimes, sometimes I find it hard to believe that it is real. And then I am shown that it is exactly that, that I am now living in my dream. How could a woman not weep?”

She laughed. “And so speaks a real woman!”

At the end of the meal, Abdullah decided he had had too much of the wine for safe driving, and as Rollo cleared the table he made a call for a taxi. There were goodnights said, and kisses exchanged, and it was not just my brother and sister who were so open in their display. Such life in my mother’s eyes, such love in my father’s. That night was the beginning of so much.

Abdullah returned the next morning, for his car, and it was with him and his sister that I rode to school rather than with the herd on the bus. I had telephoned Elle to advise her, and she had clearly spoken to my boy, for he awaited me at the gates and I received the same attention to my presence as Roland and Papa had given in their farewells.

Life was good, and it continued to get better. Christmas came as it always does, but this was new. We had shared what was truly our first family celebration the year before, but this time it was as a declaration to the world, and to the past, for Papa insisted that we journey to the house he shared with my sister.

“My sweet, this is a letting in of light for us. Since…since those days, that awful night, this house has held shadows. Please understand: I do not wish to discard what there was in my past, forget Margot’s own mother, no? But there must be an opening, a reawakening. We have life again, and I am sure she will be happy for us as she watches from above”

And we had guests, as well, both of the girls I loved as sisters to sit with my real one, and Elle’s parents, and Abdullah. His, Fatima’s parents, they could not observe our celebration, but they sent a card, and gifts, and their smiles for us.

And there was Benny. He grew smaller and bigger simultaneously, as he became truly a man and the extra kilogrammes seemed to fly from his body. I caught little glances at him from Elle, and I spoke to her in a quiet place.

“Sophie, it is two things. You have him here, and I do not have my Matty, and I find that hard. I am jealous for you, and pleased for you, and…and there is your mother, and Rollo, and happiness seems to be following you like seabirds behind a fishing boat”

She punched me very softly in the arm. “No, I am not really unhappy. I just miss him at this time…well, our time will come!”

I looked hard at her, and there were little hints of tears in her eyes. “Elle…you really love this boy, do you not?”

She just signed yes with her head, sharply, and then clung to me tightly. “More than anyone, Sophie. I did not expect it, but it is true. I cannot imagine being without him, and I do not know if it is as strong for him as it is for me. I look at Margot and your brother, and I die inside, and still it is wonderful. Even you and Benoit…”

She lifted her head to look at me. “You love him too, do you not? I see it in your face, my friend. And he does not know all, does he?”

I shook my head rapidly for no, and she embraced me again. “He loves you, Sophie. He tells my Matty these things, as boys rarely do. He would be with you forever if he could. You must see this. One day he must know”

My own tears were now there. I could but whisper “Not yet, Elle…”

Not yet. I must have what joy I could before he rejected me and I was punished for what I knew were lies, lies told to the sweetest boy I knew.

And Spring, and preparations for our final examinations for our Baccalaureate. I received two pieces of news, the first being a confirmation that I was being offered my place in Perpignan, and the second…the second was from Mme Chinon. Our little meetings had become more and more cordial.

“Sophie, your birthday is next week, no? Would you wish to join a tail of people?”

“Madame, do you mean…?”

“Yes, I mean. There are possibilities here, and I must know if you are flexible in your acceptance. There may be an opportunity for the full suite of surgical procedures, but there may only be one for your castration. That is perhaps a little blunt, but we must be honest with each other, no? If all that is available for now is the removal of those glands, would you be willing to wait for another date for the rest?”

“Absolutely! Yesterday, last year, at birth, I have never wanted them!”

“Good. One advantage their removal would bring is a reduction in the medication you must take, which should be obvious. It is quite a simple operation, really. Now, your mother, how does she go?”

As simple as that. She obtained my consent for surgery and then moved to social conversation. It felt like some odd dream.

I had my birthday, and we had our examinations, and we were free. I mean that last in many ways. We were released from school, from the daily journey and the hours at desks. We were released from the fear that the sperm donor could make any claim on me, Abdullah serving the proper documents to a judge. And Maman, Papa, they were free to declare their intentions to the world.

We had a meal at our house, and it was there that things happened. My mother’s strength is in the home, in the kitchen, and so much of my life has turned upon moments where she has provided the food to accompany her love. It was for my birthday, and for that day it was just my parents and my sister, my brother and the man who loved me. Three men who loved me, in total. Elle’s mother had been consulted, and while I would never, ever be able to outshine the beauty of my sister I had been presented to my Benny in as enchanting a way as could be managed. His eyes never seemed to leave mine, even though my breasts were so visible.

It was Rollo who broke the spell. He took a glass and tapped it with the edge of his knife to ring as a bell. “I must call for silence, for somebody here has a question he wishes to ask!”

Guillaume stood, and turned to Maman. “Julienne, we have waited for so long, and now this day is upon us we are free to move onwards without fear”

He took something from his pocket, and then knelt by Maman, and of course we all knew what he would ask, and what was in his pocket, and so he asked her, and she just smiled. “I must think about this”

I was shocked, and then her smile got wider, and she laughed. “Of course I must not. My love, how could I ever give an answer other than yes?”

A ring, kissing, champagne that my brother had hidden deep in the refrigerator, my parents in love and my own lover’s hand in mine. The world was nearly perfect.

Some days later, Benny took me for our own birthday celebration, and it was to the cinema, and I do not remember the film because it was swallowed by our passion, and I had remembered to bring paper tissues with me this time. I knew that Elle and Matty were making love whenever they could, and of course my family, they were discreet, but Roland, and Maman, there was such intimacy, and I could not. So I used my hand, and Benny caressed my breasts, and that was still wonderful, and I knew I loved him deeply. One day, as Elle said, if Mme Chinon found me a place, one day our time would come.

So I put his piece back inside his trousers, and we walked hand in hand and smiling from the cinema, and as we did I heard a too-familiar voice call out behind me.

“God’s brothel! It’s that cocksucking arsehole Laplace! In a dress! Hey, the blond, what do you do, then, fuck him in the arse or suck each other’s cock? Laplace! I am talking to you!”

Benny’s hand was crushing mine, and he gave me a look that frightened me, but he turned to face what was none other than Pierre Forgeron. He said not a word as the boy, the man, grinned, but just hit him very, very hard in the face, and he fell down, and then it was confusing, because there were others with him, so Benny hit two of them as well, and then he seized my arm and we walked away from the bodies on the floor, and not one word came from him until we were in the bus and riding back towards the coast. He sat in silence, till he turned to me with eyes of stone.

“This is true? You are male?”

My tears were there too quickly, and I signed a yes. “My name was Serge. I am not male, not where it counts”

“No? And you did not think to tell me, so I did not count?”

It was not his stop, but he stood.

“Goodbye, Serge”

He stepped off the bus and away from my life.