CHAPTER 32
“The wedding, Sophie, your mother and…father?”

It was said so deliberately, such a pause between the words, that to misunderstand her meaning was impossible. Once more, shame took me. All of my life was fraud, lies. Slowly, though, I began to realise that her voice was so soft, so different to the hard face that had met Maman and me on out first visit.

“Your mother, Sophie, is a strong woman. I misunderstood her at the beginning of this, I mistook her character as loose, but all she has done has been for you, and that is as a mother should be for her child, no? There is a story, but I do not feel that it needs to be shown to the world. From what I have heard of your…sperm donor I feel that all things are best served by confidence and silence. It answers a lot of questions I had found in my mind, though…

“Sophie, you are depressed. That perhaps sounds to you like a really obvious thing to say, as obvious as the towers of St Etienne, but it is not as simple. There is a difference between being sad after an unpleasant event, a loss perhaps, and being depressed. One is a natural reaction, the other is an ailment. How your University medical people did not offer you treatment---oh. That is as these things go. You did not speak to them of your pain, did you? I need no answer, it is legible in your face.

“Now, I have a tentative diagnosis, but I see two possibilities. One is that you have a potentially serious disorder of your nature, in which you are depressed as your normal consideration of the world about you. I must take care that this, if it is the case, is properly investigated and treated, and you must cooperate with me, no? It is not normal that I speak to my patients so openly, but you have become special to me and I would have you well”

She took my hand at that point, her voice having risen slightly, and then she sighed. “The other possibility is that tentative diagnosis I mentioned. Forgive my spicy words, but you have had a life so full of shit I am astonished you are still here to be treated. The only reason I see for that is Julienne, your mother”

“There is also my brother”

“Yes, yes, but he takes his character from his, your mother. Roland is her creation, no? Anyway, it is a natural reaction to lose hope, to lack joy in life, but you have had a bright segment in between, That boy…here, there are tissues”

I wiped my face, and she continued. “You were without hope, but I knew that from what you had said about your other life. Suddenly, you are free, Sophie is free. New home, new name, new friends, not just a NEW life but A life. Not so?”

I made yes with my head. I could not speak.

“And then, this boy, and bang, all is exploded by the things from your past, your years of shit, no?”

She squeezed my hand. “Sophie, in such a case, is it not rational to become depressed? That is what I feel is your ailment. I hope so, anyway, because it is something we can talk about, and I do not have to sprinkle your brain with chemicals. Now, it is your turn to talk to me”

I left her room with no paper for the chemist. She had told me that such drugs were available, but that they would simply take me back to the grey isolation Rollo had broken, and I could not face that again, because I knew now how much it hurt the ones I loved. Maman drove us towards home, and on an impulse I asked her to drive us to the big shop. She was puzzled, but did as I asked, and after she had stationed the car I led her inside, to the end of the lines of shoes that ran in order of size down each side of us.

“What is it, my sweet?”

“Maman, do you remember? That first day, when we came here, and I had a dress, and sandals…my first day as myself, no? I just wished to see this place, feel it again. Where I was born”

“This is not where you were born, my sweet girl. This is just where you changed your clothing. You have always been my Sophie, I just put you in the wrong things. Now…I will make a telephone call, but first, we must order ice creams for sitting in the sun with”

I went to purchase the treats as she made her call, and then we found a seat outside, by the place for children to play, and I thought back to the events of some five years before, frightened and exhilarated at the same time. I almost found myself laughing, but then there were figures before us, and Elle was throwing herself onto my body, Matty behind her. He stayed at a distance while she wept out a welcome to me, and over her head I saw that he looked nervous, almost frightened.

“Matthieu”

He looked down at his feet. Big feet…”Sophie. I am sorry”

His eyes came back up. “I must apologise. I said things, years ago, that I have never had the opportunity to take back from you. You have not spoken to Elle, or me, in all that time, and we have waited, I have waited. This must be put right”

“It cannot be put right, Matty. What has passed is past, it is there, and…and Benny is not. He does not have the courage to face me?”

I was trying for bravado, but my strength was too little.

“Sophie, Benny, Benny is gone”

Elle saw my face. “No, no, not like that, Sophie! He lives! He has just done a stupid thing. Then, he did a stupid thing that night, no? Matty, myself, we tried to tease him that he had seen too many bad films at the cinema, but he would not listen, and so he signed for five years. The Legion, Sophie, the stupid boy, with that blond hair, he went to Marseille”

That was so typical of him, the romantic core he held, to do something from a poor film or bad novel. Elle still sat with me, her head on my breast. “Benoit, he said that it would be five years, and then they would help him with a University, and he would have a space to think”

She laughed. “I said to him, Benoit, I said, the Legion is a place to forget things, and he said, no, how could he forget you, and why was it that the Lord had to put you in a boy’s flesh? And I said, Matty said, we begged, do not do this thing, speak with her, this can be put right, but he went. He is in Asia now, doing military things. Matty, you have words to say to her”

He made yes with his head, sharply. “Sophie, when this happened, I was a child. I did not see clearly. Benny told me of what that boy had said, and I laughed, and I asked how big your piece was, and it was the action of a stupid little boy, and Benny cried, and he said, they will know, the world will know, that I am with a boy…and I did not argue with him, did not tell him he was wrong in what he said. Elle has lost you for three years, I have lost you. Benny…oh, Benny has fucked himself in the arse with the stupidity, the pride, and I helped.

“Sophie, you know this one, this little one, my little love, she sees you as her sister, and the pain…you are right. We cannot change what has taken place, but will you allow me to attempt to make the future better?”

Once more, my dam fell apart and my tears came. I could not hate these people, it would have been like hating my brother. Elle’s embrace tightened.

“And now you are back, we must shop for wedding clothes”

I gathered my voice to me. “Elle, the wedding, they will have it as a small one, a quiet one”

She sniffed. “No, you silly girl, not the wedding of two old people, but OUR wedding!”

There was another sniff then, a louder one, from my mother. “You would still have this old person to prepare your wedding meal for you, eh? Things can change, my child!”

The tears became laughter, and then tears again, and then smiles, and I allowed myself to rise and embrace Matty. What was done was done, but there remained life, and perhaps I could live it. One week later, after a lot of telephone conversations, I was called to the University in Caen. My life was moving once more.