CHAPTER 18
In the end, it was the cinema, and it was a film for the boys as well as for us girls, ‘A Long Betrothal Sunday’ with Audrey Tautou. It was supposed to be a love story, and it was, but it was also a war film, and much of that part was something I found very hard to watch.

The actress was stunningly beautiful, and although I knew I would soon have the breasts of my very own that I craved, I envied her so much in the scene where she and her lost man made love. There was no unnecessary thing shown, and far more was suggested with the American actress, but the whole thing was simply so sweet I cried.

The boys had met us at the tram stop by the cinema, taken our arms as they walked us there, bought the tickets and confectionary, and taken opposite ends as we sat, so that I was between Elle and Benoit. That was an interesting experience. Benoit was so shy that he sat like a statue for a long while, whereas I was nudged and pushed by my girlfriend as she seemed to launch a physical attack on Matty as soon as the lights faded. I do not know what they saw of the film, but for half an hour they struggled with each other’s mouth before settling into an embrace that must have been uncomfortable for Elle as she was so small, pulled across the arm rest between them. It was fascinating to watch in the dim light, and occasionally amusing, and I was happy to divide my attention between the spectacle on the screen and that in the next two seats.

Then Benoit took hold of my left hand, where it lay on the arm rest that separated our own seats, and I turned to him, and he was so clearly frightened that I felt I should smile, and he smiled back, so what else could I do but match the embrace of my friend? I do not mean that we kissed, but it felt absolutely right that I should lean against him with his arm over my shoulders.

I felt very confused, in my mind as well as in my body, but I knew that where I was and what we were doing were right for me, right for Sophie. At the same time, especially with some of the noises our friends were making, and with the soft touches of Benoit’s fingers to my bare arm, I wanted more, and that was when it was all wrong, for the thing I had between my legs, the thing that I had secured from view with two thick pairs of knickers, was making its presence known to me At seventeen, I knew all about the theory of sex, but what I wanted could not be, even though I was not sure of what that actually was. One year, and then I might be able to change those things, but that was still a year and I still wanted…something. I twisted a little bit, as some awful explosion happened on the screen that I did not wish to see, and then I looked up at my companion, and of course it happened. My face was just below his, and he was looking at me and not at the film, and so he kissed me, or I kissed him, or we did it together, but a kiss it was. Just a quick meeting of lips, and I held back for one moment.

I had seen the films, and they were always the same. The first gentle, soft kiss, and then both people launch into some violent seizing and sharing of their saliva, and that was what I was expecting. Instead, he just held himself, smiled that smile, and said “Thank you”, and that was when it was I that kissed him, and it was so gentle, he was so gentle, that every twitch and movement of that thing became a torment, and so I held myself together by strength of will and kept my smile, kept him close. My stomach turned somersaults as I did so, and then we settled back into the embrace we had been sharing. I took one look at Elle, and I can only assume now that Matty actually had his hand inside her shirt, because they were clearly not watching the film. Once more, I felt envy. Some day, my bosom would be entirely flesh, of my own body, and then I would be free to share it. Just then, however, I was feeling my emotions mixed as if they were in a whirlpool. I was excited, I was delighted this boy, this boy with that smile, had decided he liked me enough to kiss me. I was, in all senses, sexually aroused, and that was so confusing it was painful. And above all, I was frightened. If he were to find out what my body carried, I would be lost. He found his own courage, and one hand moved towards my breast, so I caught it, held it and smiled, and received another gentle kiss. I then simply settled into his embrace once more and cradled his hand against what he thought was real.

There was light, and the banging of seats, and a look in Elle’s face of utter delight. I passed across some paper tissues from my bag, and pointed at their faces.

“I think perhaps you should both clean before we go outside. Then, Elle, perhaps some repairs?”

She came suddenly to life in her explosive way. “Holy, no! We still have a tram ride to take, and then there will be a bus. Matty is to see me home, all the way, so that I am safe for him on Monday”

The boy looked like a deer that stands before a car at night, eyes wide, but there was a smile, and he just nodded. Benoit laughed. “Matty, my friend, you have not been seduced, more like demolished, no?”

Matty shook his head, as if to clear a daze. “I have no complaints, Benoit, and I thank out matchmaker here. Sophie, thank you indeed!”

My own boy placed his arm around my waist, and I jerked as I felt him test the elasticity of part of my behind. He then kissed my cheek, still so, so gently. “I have no complaints on my part, Matty. Shall we buy coffees or cocas for these ladies?”

Elle coughed. “If we are to go to a café, then Sophie is right, and we must look our best. We owe it to these two good men. Come, girl!”

We found our way to the toilets, and as we did things with paint and powder, I looked at her. Face flushed, breathing still more rapid than normal, she was dreamily happy.

“Are you all right, Elle?”

She turned to me. “No. I want to tear all of his clothing away and commit….oh, seven or eight cardinal sins upon and with his body. Why have I waited so long?”

I laughed, and she put her hand to my arm. “I am sorry, my little friend, I did not think. You cannot do such, can you? And…you want to, no?”

I sighed. “Yes, I do, and he is such a sweet and gentle boy…his kisses…”

Elle grinned. “How big is he?”

“What? I don’t know, how could I?”

She turned back to the mirror. “By feeling, of course, as I did”

“NO!”

“Oh yes. It was only fair, for he had already measured my breasts….oh, girl, it is as they say, big hands, big feet, HUGE piece! But he made me stop, he said it was too much. And you…”

She was serious once more. “You, you cannot do such things, because…oh, my sweet friend, you have brought me to this time and place, and I have brought you only frustration and fear, and here I am gloating about things that simply bring you more pain. Can you forgive?”

I embraced her, as a mother might a small child. “Darling Elle, I am at a cinema, with friends, with a gentle boy who is taller than me, and kisses delightfully, instead of where I was a year ago, looking to finish everything. How can I condemn you for that?”

“You…you were thinking of suicide?”

I looked into the mirror, and a girl looked back, hair unbound, nose perhaps too large, hands definitely so, but a girl, myself. “Elle, it is a commonplace thing with persons like me. When hope has fled, it is easier”

Her voice was soft. “It is a mortal sin, Sophie, and you would be condemned to eternity in the fire”

I smiled at her, as best I could. “You know that I do not believe in that, Elle”

“No, but your mother does. If you had…been successful, then she would be broken, for she would believe. You must promise me, my dear one, promise me never to consider such things again”

An embrace, another repair, and as we left the toilets she whispered “Oh, and do not worry about Benoit, he had to cover himself up when he rose. Not as big as Matty, but…adequate!”

We chose not to explain our laughter to the boys. Cocas in a café, silly gossip, the boys swapping accounts of parts of the film I had missed, all of which apparently involved either death or black lingerie, or both, and more laughter. They did indeed insist on riding with each of us all of the way to our homes, which meant that I was left at last alone with Benoit at the rear of the bus.

“Sophie…thank you. I am not experienced with girls, they have always laughed at me for my size, and you have been so nice to me. Please, can we do something more? I mean, again?”

I rose to leave the bus, and as I stood I stole one more kiss. “I would love to. You are not the only happy one tonight”

That smile. Maman asked no questions as I entered, my own smile all the evidence she needed. She just held me, and wept.