Forever Alone

By

Jacquimac

They say lifes road is a long one with many turns and twists.
What they don`t say is that there is a pain and hardship along the way.
Yes theres a lot of things they don`t say.

As I stand here looking out the window along the road that disappears in the distance heading towards town I look back at my life a life that will soon end with my death, I look back over the years at my life, at least the parts that I can remember.

I don`t know my real age, I know the approximate year of my birth but not the day or the month as my birth was never registered. The reason for this was as I was continually told that I was an accident so I was convienently hidden from everybody although how the woman that bore me hid the fact she was pregnant i will never know.
The people that were my parents did get married after my birth and had two other children. a daughter and a son that were they`re pride and joy.

I was kept locked in the cellar and the only time I saw anyone was to get fed and cleaned my toilet was a drain in floor and the person who I later found out was my mother would wash me down twice a week, three times a day a bowl of water and a bowl of some kind of food was placed on the top step of the cellar and the door relocked.My bed was an old mattress in the corner and a couple of ragged and very thin blankets.
If I made a sound I was severly beaten and I very soon learned this lesson.mind you beatings were a regular occurance

One day there was explosion and the next thing I knew I was unable to move, later I found that there had been a gas leak and several houses where demolished by the blast one of which contained the cellar where I was confined.I don`t how long after the blast I was there helpless but time had no meaning for me anyway.
The next thing I knew I was in bed in a well lit room with several people there all saying something to each other.
What they were saying I had no idea as I didn`t understand what they were saying or what was happening all I felt was fear and confusion.One of them said something very loud and they all left and I heard them lock the door. when I was alone I looked around me with difficulty to the brightness, I found they put some sort of gown on me.
I somehow managed to get out of bed which was made difficult as I was virtually unable to move, I crawled under the bed and using the bedding made my self as comfortable as I could even draping some of blankets to block out the light and fell into an uneasy sleep and thats how I was found sometime later.

When I awoke I was back in the bed but time I was tied down and somebody was in the room at all times,when I was awake I was fed and cared for and talked to.They must have thought I was retarded or something they way they carried on. they did everything for me. It took time but eventually I got used the light and having people around me.

When I recovered from my most severe injuries I was moved to another place which I found out was a nursery, there I was taught how to dress myself. how to eat properly , to use the toilet and clean myself and to understand the English Language.These are everyday skills that children pick up as they grow up.
People were kind and patient with me but the mental and physical scars would follow me in the years ahead.
I managed to learn to read and write although my writing skills were and still are that of a young child.

My so called parents were eventually tracked down and charged with numerous crimes and spent several years in prison, what happened to they`re other children I never found out.I seems that after the gas explosion and demolition of the house they moved out of area figuring I would never be found alive and that the area would be bulldozed over ready to be built over.If it hadn`t been for a dog trying to dig through the rubble I daresay I wouldn`t have been found.Apparently the dog was chased off time again but kept going back to the same spot which made the clearance crew curious as to why so they dug down and found me still alive, Amazing everyone said that I still alive after 10 days under all that rubble.

When my parents were questioned and informed that I had been found the truth finally out.
I was born in 1952 or 3 even they couldn`t remember the exact date. He was protestant and she was catholic ,it seemed that marriages of mixed religion was frowned upon in Scotland in those days.So after my birth my mother moved to England and he followed a few days later, they both considered me they`re shame so I was hidden from everyone and everything.All I ever got was a daily beating from either or sometimes both of them.
I never was told who my parents were and when they were asked what my name was they said "Thing"
I was about 12 years old when I found in the rubble.

Over the years although I was treated kindly by adults I never trusted them, children always treated as a freak and would never play with me although they never abused me.
The only place were the authorities where able to home me was with a kindly and wealthy couple who lived in the country.
There I would go for walks as far as my disabilities would allow me, there were a few villages in the surrounding area but I have only been to each of them once,and never again due to abuse and derision heaped on me by the locals.
The Couple I lived with managed to adopt me with great difficulty and a lot of cost, due to mainly that nobody knew when I was born and my sex was indeterminant,when I was taken to hospital after being found in the cellar my injuries included destruction of the Genital area.To all intent and purpose I was sexless although I wore female clothing due to the state my body was left in after the injuries healed as far as was possible
My new parents were church going people but never forced religion on me, I went to church with them once and the minister, vicar or what ever he was along with rest of congregation refused to allow me to enter saying I was a walking example of sin (whatever that meant) and That what I had become was against Gods laws,after that they only went on special occasions with me being left with Mrs Williams the housekeeper.

I`m about 58 now and my adopted parents died a few years ago , I miss them but know I will being seeing them again on the next plain of existance.At the reading of Will I found I had been left several million Pounds after death duties and substantial land holdings in the area.The lawyer that handled the estate was a friend of the family and knew of history, he also knew of my very limited education and was retained to handle my affairs, he`s a good and kindly man and very helpful.Mrs Williams still lives in house with me and watches over me like a mother hen,her husband died last year and she is getting on in years.

I`ve just come back from the hospital and been told the results of my latest tests,due to the abuse my body took all those years ago I have always been in pain and always had difficulty with walking long distances.
It appears that i have only a few weeks left to live, the strain on my heart has been to great.
I have made my will out and set up a special trust fund for children that have gender problems, my lawyer Mr Stevens has set everything up including a panel that will be led by a specialist in Law in these matters and to be independantly monitored.
Mrs Williams had been a left the house and everything in it along with a enough financial resources for the rest of her days.
I have taken care on my funeral arrangements and will interred with my beloved adopted parents in the family crypt.

As I have no friends or family except Mrs Williams and Mr Stevens and they won`t be able to attend the funeral due to they`re health declining and age ,I will go to grave the same way I went through life for the most part
`Forever Alone`

PS
If there is an after life I will again be with my beloved parents