A Walk in the Dark Chapter 24 by Maggie Finson

Well, the first half of the journey to Caet’he Og was pretty uneventful. The middle part, not so much.

We were just minding our own business, moving through the forest, enjoying the scenery, when there was a god awful crashing from the side and I heard a bellowed, “EVIL CREATURES MUST DIE!!!”

“Now what?” I grumbled and waited to see what this world was going to annoy me with next.

I found out in short order. It was a huge guy, with flowing blonde hair, a lantern jaw, burning blue eyes, wearing enough armor to make a lobster jealous and mounted on the biggest horse I’d ever seen.

Well, at least the horse looked embarrassed. While sir Galahad, or whoever he was plucked bits of foliage from his armor while muttering, “Averil, did you absolutely HAVE to choose the most obstructed path to get here?”

Me? I buried my face in both hands and moaned, “Why me?”

Satisfied that the errant foliage was gone the silvery, armored, and very big apparition bellowed. “EVIL MUST PERISH!”

“Oh.” I nodded agreeably, tilted my head and set a hand on one hip while asking. “And you would be?”

“I hight — yes he really did say that — Sir Reginald du… Sorry never can remember the whole damned name, but anyway… I, Sir Reginald, Paladin of Danaan, am here to smite evil!”

“Oh, Dahlia Saaa Llolth.” I nodded and gave him a little wave. “So now what do we do?”

“I — umm — smite you.” He answered a bit uncertainly.

“Oh.” I nodded sagely while cursing any god listening for inflicting THIS on me and gave him a sunny smile. “Well, in that case, if you’re going to do the Smiting me with holy wrath, cursing my name for eternity, sending me screaming back to hell, and chopping me into little bitty, screaming bits, could we get on with it and get that out of the way? I’m kind of busy right now with other things.”

“You should be terrified at the sight of Danaan’s justice!” He roared.

“Look.” I gave him an annoyed glare with both hands on my hips that time. “Get on with it, or forget it. I have somewhere to be and I don’t have time for this right now.”

“Why aren’t you quailing in justified terror at my presence?” He asked.

“You’re serious?” I asked then nodded at the glare that question got me. “Oh, yeah, you are. Look. I’ll give you my address and we could do this later if you don’t mind. I’m not in the mood just now.”

“But… You are supposed to be quivering in the terror of the evil when confronted with the justly powerful good.” He answered, and I could tell he wasn’t all that sure of that statement even if he was trying to be heroic.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t get that particular order.” I answered then gave him an annoyed look. “So what are you going to do here? Whatever it is, PLEASE get on with it.”

That one took him by surprise. He looked at me, then the others with me, who were frantically stifling giggles and chortles, and asked. “You WANT me to smite you?”

“Look Galahad.” I walked up, patted his horse and gave it a sympathetic look before stopping to glare up at him. “I don’t CARE what you do just now. All I want you to do is get it done, so I can stop being annoyed with you and get to where I’m supposed to be. Now hurry it up. You’re keeping me from something important here.”

“You aren’t justifiably terrified of my righteous wrath and holy power?” He questioned.

“Nope.” I even patted the hilt of his holy avenger, or whatever that big honking sword he was carrying was. Though I had to jump up on the back of the horse to do that, and I couldn’t resist. I gave him a little peck on the cheek before I got down. “So what do we do now?”

“You’re supposed to quake then flee in terror.” He answered.

“The fleeing thing I can do.” I answered with a nod. “But if I do that, are you going to keep annoying me?”

“I must harry evil wherever I find it.” He intoned.

“Oh. Okay here’s the deal.” I was trying to be reasonable, honest! “I’ll scream in terror, run away, and you could just kind of chase me the wrong way until I’m long gone and save us both a lot of unpleasantness. Think that would work?”

“But…” He shook his head, evidently not getting the concept of détente at all, “Then I couldn’t smite you.”

“That’s the idea you idiot!” I screamed at him. “I’m in no mood for smiting right now!
Go away!”

He stubbornly refused to do that. So I took a piece of parchment, scribbled something on it and handed it up to him. “There, that’s my Mom’s address. Go there and I guarantee that you’ll have all the smiting your little heart could desire. Now will you please go away and leave me alone?”

“But….”

“Oh, for….” I gritted my teeth and told him. “Come to Kae’song’s citadel later. That’s where I live and we can play all you want then. I. DON’T. HAVE. TIME. FOR. THIS. RIGHT. NOW!!!!!”

“You aren’t playing fair.” He pointed out.

“I’m evil!” I glared at him. “I’m not supposed to play fair!”

“Oh, right.” He nodded and seemed to feel better about things once he had.

“Now.” I shook my head and glared at him. “Either do what you’re going to do, or go away! All right? Is that too much to ask?”

“But I NEED to cow you with my great words of good.” He countered.

If I’d had a wall just then, I’d have been doing my best to destroy it with my forehead. I had to settle for a tree.

“Are you all right?” He questioned as I was doing that.

“No.” I weakly answered. “Can we do this later? Please?”

My friends were no help at all. The only one not rolling on the ground in hysterical laughter had managed to wrap himself around a tree to keep from falling down.

I made a note to get even with Sam for that one.

“It would not be mete for me to kill a wounded enemy.” He finally got some of the few clogged synapses in his brain to work and sighed. “I will find you later, evil one. Then there will be a reckoning.”

“Whatever.” I really wanted a whole bottle of Tylenol just then but was willing to settle for this idiot going to go bother some other unfortunate evil creature. Just as long as it wasn’t me.

“Farewell, for the nonce.” He saluted me, actually saluted me, then turned his mighty charger away and plowed back into the underbrush.

“There is a god.” I sighed in relief once he’d done that.

Fortunately, for what shreds of my sanity were left. Nothing else bothered us on that particular trip.