A Walk in the Dark Chapter 13 by Maggie Finson

Author’s Note:Okay, things are definitely NOT going according to plan here, at least not for Dahlia. Did Dylan really have some deep seated need to be female? And if that is the case, how in the world (the new one she’s in) can she reconcile that to leaving loved ones behind. Then there is the part where she has to figure out just what Kae’song and company are really up to.
 

I stumbled back into our quarters with Sam’s help and hardly complained when he very gently sat me on a couch and started massaging my neck and shoulders. I did manage to note through the haze I was in that he was very careful not to massage other parts.

Marisol, the more adventurous of my maids approached and questioned. “Is she all right, my lord?”

The concern in her voice and expression warmed my heart and I did notice that Brigid and Evangaline appeared worried, too.

“I think she will be soon.” Sam reassured them. “The lady just received some news that she wasn’t expecting and she’s trying to assimilate it just now.”

“We are here for you, lady.” Marisol told me and meant it, I could tell, while Brigid and Evangaline nodded in agreement and voiced the same sentiments. She then turned back to Sam and said. “What we need to do to help we will, my lord. If the lady won’t tell us, let us know and we will do it.”

I realized I loved those girls, and not in a guy to girl way. I just loved them, odd as that seemed with my sudden disdain for humans. I mumbled, “Thank you, Marisol, Brigid, and Evangaline. You have no idea of what that means to me right now. Now please, leave me and my husband alone. We have things to discuss in private.”

Their eyes lit up and they giggled at my calling Sam my husband, then made themselves scarce.

“Okay, husband.” I told Sam and saying that didn’t even make me flinch a little inside, in fact it felt disturbingly good to say that. “What do you think about what Kae’song said about me needing to be female?”

“It was always there, Dahlia.” He answered slowly and gave me a look that was both sad and content. “Dylan never did quite fit in with the rest of the guys even when he was out partying and doing his best to be a guy.”

“No one seemed to notice that.” I answered, though had to admit that he was right. I’d never felt really at ease with the guys and their jokes, their comments about women, or their interests.

“I did.” He told me simply then added. “We’ve known each other since grade school, you know. I could tell that there was something about you that you weren’t happy about even if you didn’t know it yourself.

“Our other guy friends never quite caught it, but they hadn’t known you as long as I had. I could see that something was bothering you and wanted, just wanted, to help you make that right, so you wouldn’t be so uncomfortable, or in pain, the way you were.”

“What?” I asked not quite believing what he was saying. “Are you saying I wanted to be girl all my life?”

“No, Dahlia.” He countered and shrugged. “Dylan didn’t know that, and would have gotten into a fight if anyone had even mentioned the idea to him.”

“You’re talking as if Dylan is dead. I’m right here, beside you.”

“You are.” He said with a little sigh. “But Dylan isn’t.”

“What?”

“Dylan wasn’t happy with himself and never could figure out why.” Sam told me, careful not to touch me as he said it. “Dahlia may complain and protest, but you actually like who and what you are now, okay without the evil inclinations thing, but you are happy with the rest, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know.” I lied then got off the couch. “I need to go think about this for awhile. Alone.”

“Take all the time you need.” He nodded then hit me with the really big whammy. “Dahlia, I willingly gave my blood and promise when we first got here. Hate me for that if you want, but back home I couldn’t show you what I’ve always felt for you.”

“I kind of know what that is now,” I nodded, “for obvious reasons. But back when we were both guys?”

“It wasn’t guy to guy, even then, my love.” Sam stolidly told me. “It was like my soul knew yours and was in love with it, and you as a result.”

“But.”

“No buts, Dahlia.” He firmly told me. “I’ve always loved you and always will, now go think things through about that, scream at me, throw things, set stuff on fire, whatever. But go think about it, okay?”

I did.

Back to a balcony. I did seem to spend a lot of time out on one of these things lately. And yes, it was snowing and blowing again.

I didn’t care.

“Something in you needed to be female.” Kae’song had told me.

Was that true?

I started going back over things in my life, with consideration for what Sam had just told me.

But was it true? Did I somehow influence the transformation spell so I came out female?

Had something inside me seen the chance and taken it to make sure I would be female in this world?

Had I really, deep down, wanted that?

And why was it so easy for me to love Sam now? It couldn’t be simply put down to biology, could it?

No, I couldn’t have. Just couldn’t have wanted something like that all my life, surely, without consciously at least knowing something, could I?

So I sat there in the cold and thought, went through memories I hadn’t really looked at for quite awhile.

And yes, the clues had been there clear for me to see now that I was looking at things from the outside, so to speak. Like the way I’d never really fit with the other guys, and was actually uncomfortable about how they would talk about girls at times. In fact sometimes I got angry over some of things they said.

Plus how I’d always taken pains to exercise and play the roughest sports I could find — to prove something. To both myself and others, I suppose, but mostly to myself. How I’d get myself hurt doing that kind of thing to just show how tough I was. I always told myself I had to do that, compensate for my size and build by being that much tougher than the next guy.

And no matter what had happened, how obnoxious (unintentionally) I was about some things, Sam was always there, helping me over the rough spots and making sure someone was around to pick me up when I’d crash into some wall figurative or otherwise.

I’d genuinely liked Carolyn from the first time I’d met her and had been ecstatic when she agreed to marry me, but had I actually loved her or had I been going through the motions with that, too? Much to my shame, I thought it was the latter and that would have been a terrible injustice to a truly wonderful, caring young woman.

“Lady.” Marisol quietly interrupted my roiling thoughts and I realized just how cold I truly was. My new form wasn’t bothered as badly by it as I had been when human but I wasn’t immune to it either. My hands and feet had gone numb, along with my nose. I didn’t mind the numbness just then. “You should come in now, lady, you’re freezing out here.”

“Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.” I quietly answered without really looking at her. “My whole life was a lie I’d been telling myself and others, and now I’m a monster to go along with that. Freezing to death doesn’t seem like such a bad thing right now.”

“Then I will freeze with you, lady.” The girl answered simply and joined me on the cold bench.

“Don’t.” I ordered. “Go inside, please.”

“Not without you.” She said with a firmness in her voice I’d seldom heard. “If you insist on being a fool and freezing to death out here, then I shall be one, too. I think though, that I’ll go before you.”

“I can’t let you do that, you know I can’t.” I told her. “I promised to cause no harm to you.”

“Then come inside and sit in front of the fire with me, lady.” She simply told me without moving to get off the bench.

“You don’t fight fair, Marisol.” I had to grin at the girl as I forced myself to stand then waved to the door. “All right, you win. We go inside.”

I didn’t realize just how cold I really was until Marisol got me seated in front of blazing fire and pressed a cup of mulled wine into my hand. I had to set the cup down for a while as I shivered. Once that went away I again took the cup and sipped gratefully at it. “Thank you Marisol.”

“It is my duty, lady.” She answered with a shrug.

“No, I mean for bullying me into coming back inside.”

“As I said.” The girl smiled at me and shook her head. “You are a fearsome being, lady. Headstrong, subject to ill tempers, and a sadness I don’t fully understand. But you are not a monster. I do not know who and what you were before coming here, but what you are now is the lady I have pledged to serve and I, along with the others, have come to love that lady. We would be most upset if you allowed yourself to freeze to death for something so foolish as self pity or anger at circumstances you cannot change.”

“Good point.” I nodded and leaned back into the chair with a sigh of contentment. “I have been more than a bit of an idiot here, haven’t I?”

“It’s allowed.” My maid smiled. “But only on rare occasions. Please try to not make a habit of it?”

“I won’t.” I laughed and that felt good, too. “What would you say if I told you that where I came from originally, that I had been male?”

“Only that would have been such a terrible waste of a fine, strong, feminine and female spirit, lady.” She answered thoughtfully. “What was is gone, now it is time to embrace what is.”

“Right again.” I shook my head. “How did you become so wise in such a short time?”

“Oh,” she laughed and shook her head, “I am no wise woman, just a woman.”

“A young woman who is also wise.” I argued then waved her protest away. “No need to argue that one, Marisol. Is Sam still in our chambers?”

“Yes, lady.”

“Would you please let him know that I’m safe to be around now and ask him to come in here?”

“Of course, m’lady.”

“Come over here and sit down, please.” I patted the couch beside me and gave him a tentative smile once he’d come back in.

He did, and I unconsciously moved so my side was pressed against his and just savored the warmth for a few breaths. “You were, as usual, right. I was such an idiot back there.”

“You were doing what you thought you needed to.” He told me and moved so his arm was around my shoulders, don’t beat yourself up over something like that, okay?”

“Oh, I’m not going into another pity party here.” I smiled up at him and let out a little sigh. “Marisol pretty much kicked my butt out of that outside a bit ago.”

“Good.” Sam smiled back at me. “For a bit there I thought I was going to have to go out and drag both of you back inside. I was getting a little worried there. Stubborn females.”

“I am that.” I admitted then put my hands to his cheeks and gently pulled his face down to mine. “Stubborn and female and I’m ready to accept both those things about myself now.”

“You sure of that?” He asked softly.

“Oh,yeah.” I punctuated that with a lip lock that would have warmed up one of those statues outside just then.

“I guess you have then.” He took a breath and pulled my more tightly to his side. “I just want you to be sure is all.”

“Sam.” I lightly elbowed him in the ribs and gave him a mock threatening look. “I get the feeling that I’ll be spending the rest of my life as I more or less am now whether I accept it, kick and scream all the way, or actually embrace it. Truthfully, I think the last option is probably the best one for me.”

“Yes, I think it is, and not just because I’m being selfish here.” He nodded thoughtfully and grinned. “But I am being selfish. I want you as you are and fully intend to grow old and crotchety with you. But best for your own peace of mind.”

“How about that?” I shook my head and marveled. “My body finally matches my soul and it’s all because of an accident.”

“So you aren’t blaming Kae’song for you being female any longer?”

“No.” I gave him a wicked little grin and went on. “But the guy still has a lot of explaining to do.”

“That he does, my love that he does.” Sam laughed in response.

When we returned to the conference room, or whatever it was called around here, the next day there was an extra visitor. I gave Alis a curious look then a nod. “Lady Alis, sorry I didn’t accept your invitation. A couple of things kind of got in the way just about when Sam and I had decided to simply walk out one of the gates and keep going.”

“So you did work that out.” The woman nodded and offered me a smile. “I thought you had, though overall I am glad you didn’t leave here.”

“Lord Kevin, Kae’song.” I greeted the other two as Sam and I seated ourselves at the table. There was actually a servant in attendance to serve refreshment that time.

“I gather you are in a somewhat better frame of mind than you were exhibiting yesterday?” Kevin questioned lightly but I could see he was prepared for the worst possible outcome.

“You can relax, Lord, Lady, Kae’song.” I looked at them and gave a small smile. “You have my word that neither I or my — husband will try killing any of you today. We do reserve the right to do so tomorrow, though, if you three don’t start making sense.”

“An entire day?” Alis chuckled and shook her head. “Well, that is a start, I suppose.”

“One day at a time, Lady, Gentlemen.” I nodded with a wicked grin while accepting a goblet of wine. “So who starts this?”

“Why you do, lady Dahlia.” Alis responded with a tilt of her head. “I’m sure you two have some specific questions you would like to have answered as quickly as possible.”

“Oh yeah.” I nodded and tried to figure out where to start.