CHAPTER 10
The staff rooms were my next hurdle, but that was helped along by the presence of Dave, who gave me a kiss on the cheek when I arrived.

“How did it go?”

“Need tea…..”

He did the honours, and Harriet joined us. “You OK?”

“Never better, except when….but you don’t want to hear about that stuff, do you”

Harriet just grinned. “Oh yes I do, my girl! But look at poor Dave, he’s gone pink!”

When someone is on the edge, or in the actual process, of blushing, the mere mention of the word ‘pink’ can set them off. He was crimson.

“Bloody women”

Harriet frowned. “Ladies, David, ladies. In case you hadn’t spotted that fact, Laura here is particularly ladylike”

She turned to me. “You are, you know, always so elegant. I know this has been said a stupid number of times to you, but you act so naturally it is clear what you are. I just wonder where John went.”

“John never really existed, Harriet. I have been doing a lot of reading on this, and there were two things that came up. One was false memory syndrome, but that is certainly not the case here. With all the other people who witnessed what happened when was little, the miracle is that I was able to function at all. No, the closest I can come to an explanation is something called fugue state. I used that word to explain my little absences, but true fugue is something different. It is as if you have all of your memories replaced; people have been known to simply go away, to be found ages later living an entirely different life, different name, history, everything.

“In my case it wasn’t quite that, but an entirely different personality was adopted. When I say John wasn’t human..”

“John was you, Laura”

“No, Harriet, he wasn’t. John was a shield built around me to keep me from dying. That is why he could never deal with people, because he wasn’t a person, he was the psychotic equivalent of a small child putting their fingers in their ears and going lalalalala I can’t hear you”

“Psychotic? A bit strong…”

“Not at all, I was insane. With good reason, after what my father…oh, can you please forget I said that”

Harriet had been the only one to catch that, as Dave had drifted away to some sporting discussion. Harriet just nodded. “Your father, my uncle. What a world we share. My problems only stopped when he fucked off to New Zealand. I was 12 then, and it was my best birthday ever, because I was getting old enough to understand what ‘our little secret’ really meant. I am one of the lucky ones, I suppose, I have managed to come to terms with it. I can still enjoy sex, just wish I could get some more”

“What about those two mates of my Pete?”

“Both test driven already, my darling!”

She licked her lips, the strumpet. “Not sure where they might lead, but I will see what happens and take t as it comes, one day at a time, with no presumptions, eyes wide open, and I’m running out of clichés!”

“Legs wide open, it sounds like!”

“Ooooh mmmmmm yes indeed!”

Her face fell at that point. “The truth is, I haven’t actually had the courage to ring either of them. I am great at banter, I just fold when intimacy comes along.”

“You seem to be doing all right with me”

“Yeah, but you are a woman, I can do that. Men scare me”

Thank you so much, Harriet, that was so unconsciously lovely. “What if we are in a group, so you have me and, say, Sharon as back up? Might that work?”

“It can’t hurt to try, Laura, and as I said to you, I have to do something before it fucking heals up”

This was a girl using a lot of banter to cover some very deep pain. If it worked…”So, which one, or shall we toss up for whom you get to toss off?”

In a very small voice, ”I rather liked Ollie, the physio guy.”

“OK, we shall see what we can do. Remember that word, H, I wouldn’t be here without support, so you have mine. Now shush, Dave’s coming back.”

The rest of the day went much as the morning had started. Questions, banter, laughter, and then down to the business of teaching young folk. Pete collected my garment bag at the end of proceedings, and by the time I had put the miles in he was waiting at home for me with a cuppa. Mum had a light meal for us that night, salad and cold meats, and I talked them through Harriet’s problem. Mum looked grim.

“You know, my dear, it would be so, so easy to hate men as a whole, were it not that we have such fine examples close to us. Darling, don’t scratch your breasts at the table, it isn’t ladylike”

“Sorry, Mum, it’s just that they are getting rather sensitive”

Pete smiled. “So I had noticed, my love”

“Oh shut up, the pair of you. Pete, did you get any feedback from Ollie?”

“Absolutely nothing at all. Unless you count the large number of times he has asked me when she will next be out with us”

“Mother, perhaps you can revise your opinion of men downwards. So Ollie is interested, then?”

“Very much, but he thought she’d be a bit stand-offish. You know, University professor and MOD torturer. Laura, please don’t kill me, for he clearly has no taste, but he said he thought she had better legs”

How very dare he! That brought on the giggles. You know, whenever Pete grins, the scars stand out on his face, and remind me again of how oddly luck works. Even the loss of his leg had brought good. Without his wound, he would never have met John, and John would probably have still been here. If he had that courage…

“Peter, my love, there is a loose end to us that I must tidy before we start sorting out our friends. We will arrange a meal once again, and get a few people along, and I know exactly the excuse. Have you bought the jewellery yet?"

He fumbled in his pocket, and blushed. “Er, yes”

“Well, you can give it to me when we have our little soiree, and that will give Harriet a reason to turn up and some close support. Now, I need you to drive me somewhere. I won’t change, this will do.”

It wasn’t that far. I pushed him up to the door and rang the bell, waiting patiently by his chair for it to open.

“Yes, can I help you?”

Jane looked well, and more relaxed than I had EVER seen her before, and i felt real guilt at how I had spoilt her life.

“Hello, Jane”

“Do I know…fucking hell, John?”

“Can we come in? Pete has his crutches if we need them”

“In, in, someone might see you like that”

As we entered, I said “People do see me like this, it is who I am”

We got Pete sat down, and Jane seemed in shock for a second, then it clicked.

“There was no other woman, was there, John?”

“It’s Laura, and this is my fiancé, Pete Hall. Pete, Jane, my wife”

“Fuck me backwards, John, Laura, what is this?”

“Oh, Jane, it’s a very long story, and I need some promises of confidentiality from you. Can you do that?”

“Yes, J-Laura. Tea first, I think. “

Cup in hand, then, I started the story, leaving out, naturally, my mother’s starring role, but this time I made it clear who had attacked me. It is a testament of how unpleasant my story truly is by the fact that everyone who has ever heard it has been left in tears, and Jane was no exception. She was in a real state, and I moved across to hold her.

“No wonder I could never get through to you. If I had only known, I would have stuck with you”

“Darling Jane, if you had I would never have recovered. No push, no Mum, possibly no Pete. I owe you my life”

That set her off again. I needed to change the subject.

“How is it going with Mark?”

“Very well, love. I think he is planning to ask the question soon”

“Pete already has, and I have to ask: would you come to our wedding?”

“Oh god, woman, I can see bits of John in you, just little tics and mannerisms, but you are just so much more REAL than he ever was. Of course I will come. I loved John enough to marry him, Perhaps I can make that up with you? What about Mark?”

“He will be welcome. Please, darling, be very careful what you tell him. People can still be hurt”

“Worry not. Just a thought…what have you done about that cunt’s grave?”

Ouch. She really had cared for John. Pete just smiled. “There were no flowers, there, but Laura watered it rather well”