CHAPTER 2
Dave was back to bluntness, but necessarily so.
“What exactly is the plan, then? I don’t think clip-clopping into college in those shoes would be quite the right thing.”
“Well, not unless I can fit cleats to them. Make pedalling a bit hard otherwise. I need to have a long chat to Mary, and get her confirmation officially, and then we start the preparation. You have to understand, Dave, that I have had 22 years locked up, and the tragedy was that I never realised how completely screwed up I was. I have to say this, I have major mental illness issues and to come straight out and drop that on the college leaves my job at risk, never mind my sanity. And what exactly is wrong with these shoes? I rather like them!”
“Bit fuck-me, aren’t they?”
“So? Pete, do these shoes say ‘fuck-me’ to you?”
“No, love, I let you speak for yourself”
Dave nearly lost that drink as well.
“Can you slow down a bit, please, you two? You are doing my head in completely, and I haven’t had nearly enough beer to relax me”
There was something, though, in that exchange that cut me deeply. I hadn’t slept with Pete beyond the time I had comforted him at his little flat, and I realised with a lurch and a skipped heart beat that it was what I wanted, needed to do. The thing that stood in the way was exactly what Dave was talking about, if he only knew.
I had a number of alternatives ahead of me. I had very little idea of sex beyond the rather arid performances of John with Jane, if I ignored the rape, and that was what hung in the air. I knew that such an act was actually commonplace between men and women, and not just gay men, and it would be a long time before I would be in a situation to offer the more conventional…route, but it was something I was profoundly unsure about. Would Pete want to? Would I? Could I, in fact, with all the unavoidable associations?
More to the point, in all physical respects except packaging I was male. Would, could Pete accept someone like that? If it was my illusion of femininity that turned him on, then it might be impossible for years.
Then, I remembered. Gentle kisses, hugs, with me as he dropped me off at college. Passionate kisses when I was ‘male’. The confusion of his declaration of his love. Whatever his inclinations, his tastes and preferences, it was me he had set his cap at, me in whatever wrappings he found me in.
I reeled myself back in. One little sentence and I am off trying to decide whether I am going to start something messy and possibly painful in a lot of ways, and there were so many other things not only more important but more urgent. I remembered Mum’s words: we would find our own way, and it was time for me to stop thinking in standard patterns just because that was what some other people might do.
And that was so important to me just then, just at that moment. I realised that the old male schema of ‘boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy tries his hardest to get into girl’s knickers’ wasn’t how I was thinking. This was Laura turning herself up to eleven, and John waving a last little two fingers of defiance. What was important was Pete, and me, together. Everything else was secondary, even adjusting my body. As long as we had that mutual support, we could cope with anything.
I suddenly realised that Mum was talking to me, and from her tone of voice had been doing so for a while.
“Sorry, Mum, I was miles away”
She looked worried. “Not one of your little absences, was it? I had hoped we were moving away from there, dear.”
“Not at all, Mum, I was just thinking about the future”
“Nice thoughts?”
I felt my whole face smile. “Very nice thoughts”
Dave got up, and came round to hug me. “That smile answered all the questions I ever needed to ask. John could never have done that.”
He kissed my cheek. “I am really, really pleased to meet you, Laura. Now, how do we start sorting this mess out?”
I caught a look from Sharon then, and for the first time ever I was able to see how much and how deeply she loved her husband. All the little slaps, all the mickey taking, it was all a dance between two people who really cared. If Pete and I could achieve even half of what they had, I would be happy.
Pete suddenly started to laugh. He leant over and whispered something to Dave, and he was off too. The rest of us stared and waited, until the chortles and the snorts subsided, and then Sharon said “Well?”
Dave grinned. “Remember Abigail? She’s going to be REALLY confused now!”
As Sharon started to laugh, and another wave took the boys, Mum simply looked at me and asked “Who is Abigail?”
Dave cupped his hands before his chest. “A student with…large personalities who wanted to offer herself to John in return for a mark, and he was so dim it just went straight past him”
I loved Dave just then. He had managed to say so much, just with a third person reference and the past tense.
Even Mum cracked a little bit of a giggle at that one.
I suppose I look back now at that day, and it really was that first day of the rest of my life. Dave proposed a toast, to renewal and rebirth, and then in his direct way looked straight at my mother and said “Do I need to get my suit cleaned, or isn’t he going to bother with the honest woman bit?”
That led me onto the other discussion, about moving out. I had run this one past my mother in the ladies’, and while she had not been best pleased that I was already looking to ‘abandon’ her, in reality she understood that we would need our own space. Finding a suitable bungalow could take months, though, and everything, of course, depended on Jane sorting out the finances. No hurry, but the sooner acceptance was gained the easier it would be for all of us. I walked over to the sea wall and rang Mary on her mobile.
“Mary Oliver”
“Hi, it’s Laura Evans, you said to ring you and let you know how things went.”
“And?”
“Well, I am out in a nice John Rocha number at the Blue Anchor in Bosham, with what is starting to look like my potential stepfather, Mum, Pete and a couple of friends. We laid some demons to rest this morning”
“How do you feel about that?”
“Reborn, renewed. Free…and frightened.”
“What are you frightened of?”
“Rejection, I suppose”
“Who from?”
“People at work, people who find out about me”
“What about Pete? Your mother?”
“Oh god no, they are being absolutely brilliant. To be honest…….Pete and I may well be moving in together. No, it’s the other people”
“Are they as important as those two? Are they important at all?”
“Well, no….”
“Then you have answered your own question. Laura, we need a proper assessment of your position. I already have my own opinions there, but I need to do it properly before you can move on. Can you ring my office to see me as soon as possible this week?”
“Certainly”
“Oh, and Laura….can I please meet you this time?”
Comments
re: story
wow, you are quite a prolific writer. cant believe how quickly you turn out these chapters. good work though. keep it up.
robert
Chapters
I had a few written ready, as I was debating whether to post them. Sarah needed a rest for a bit, so I am throwing these in while my muse takes a breather.
Many here who know my historyknow that I need to write; and those who write here will understand that need.
'Gotta sing, gotta dance'
As with all your writing
this is almost like being there, evesdropping.
S.
Keep singing,
ALISON
' keep dancing-----but keep writing.Not just a good story,a great story of Laura's birth and emergence.
ALISON
"not important"
not ultimately important, but the more acceptance the better! great chapter
Movin on and then some.
Yes Steph, you are a prolific writer but for now you've still got so much to say. What you have to say is meaningful and sincere and that makes it a worthwhile read. (Hence I comment cos I think you're worth getting comments.)
Slowly I have found after 10 years of this TG writing, one tends to slow down, not dry up but certainly the ideas come more slowly.
Keep writing though, your work is very enjoyable and the quality is excellent.
Beverly.
Growin' old disgracefully.
PS where is 'your history' posted? That's one thing I miss on BC namely the Author's profile page. On FM it's there for everybody to read.
History
Well, what would you want to know? Within reason.....
Not a lot.
I'm not a stalker or anything sinister like that.
You've got a bloody good command of languages so I'm thinking you graduated from a Welsh Uni. What did you study? How long ago did you transition cos you haven't been on BC very long. Garnishing loose background stuff helps me sort out the fantasy from the facts.
I have only a moderate grip on reality and sometimes stuff slips a gear. I see myself as a 'fucked up' bicycle. Some of my lower gears got stripped in childhood and they spin uselessly these days. (My wife helps me re-engage when it happens.) I'm surprised you haven't had stuff published because your exploration and examination of relationships comes accross so well in your stories.
Love and hugs.
Bev.
Life
Hmmmm....no lightweight questions there! Two degrees,one in engineering, and then linguistics and modern languages, both in English Unis but I spent time at Aberystwyth, as well as some French places. I am polyglot, not bilingual, it's just the way my mind works.
One marriage, years ago. Failed,of course.
Transiton....not a subject I really want to get into. Pain.
I dscovered BC about four years ago, when I was in a different place. Not realisng that visitors could post comments,I registered about two years ago, from memory, in order to nag one of my favourite writers out of quitting. I stalled recently in a travel book I am writing, and as a reaction to that and a lot of crap bubbling up from my damaged mind I decided to try out some story ideas. There was a nervous stammer before I managed to relax and be myself, and it shows at the start of StD.
I have tried to write a variety of 'types' into my characters, but apart from John's damage and Mel's lesbianism, they take great chunks of me into them. Mel is closer to how life has treated me, and the PTSD etc are very much here, Steph is me as I could perhaps have been, Sarah is what I should have done in my youth, Laura in her youth was me. Because of that, I don't 'get' crossdressing,as I am not inside the character, so tend to stick to TS.
Relationships are what make us human. I wrote elsewhere that something devoted to sexual detail is like having a candlelit romantic dinner descrbed entirely in terms of the digestive process. I write relationships as I see them, and it works for me.
Please Miss,
May we have some more?
Kate
"While the rest of the human race are descended from monkeys, redheads derive from cats."
Kate
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." William Gibson
Oy!!!!
Oo yew callin' a cat?
Very good!
Laura is such a difference from John. So open and pleasant to be around. I really like this story, and I know it's going to get very interesting!
Wrern
Another Point of View 2
You have me hooked wanting to know what else you have in store.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine