The Working Girl Blog #38: An update, or It's always good to find a place where you belong To see all of Bobbie's "Working Girl" blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/19261/working-girl-blogs

I have no one to jog with this morning, so I'm skipping my regular Saturday jog. Which is a good thing coz I intend to write an unusually-long blog today. Got my laptop, a mug of chocolate, a comfortable couch, so here goes.

Lots have been happening in my little world, and that has a lot to do with why I haven't been able to post new stuff in BCTS for a couple of weeks now. I guess, for those out there with a masochistic streak and would like to be bored to tears, here's a bit of an update. (WARNING WARNING WARNING! LONG BLOGPOST AHEAD!)

As you may have heard, I have a pending trip to the Far East. I was supposed to have gone a couple of weeks ago, but the bosses decided to hold off on all our trips until the political atmosphere's gotten more normal over there (they just finished their national elections and are actually about to change presidents this month). So I and a few others will be going maybe after the 4th. In the meantime, my current project's continuing, and is about wrapped up, except for the remaining UAT and integration tests. My boss said it wasn't necessary to find a sub for me, anymore, and she'll take care of my team, while I'm away, if needed (which she said wasn't very likely, actually). What could I say to that: like, "boss, you haven't managed a team in ten years..." or "do you even know OOP?" or "when's the last time you worked on an ERD?" But it's the boss's prerogative, so I smiled, said "thank you," and surreptitiously warned the team of this possibility.

Also, I had temporarily moved out of my little office (my idea), and moved in to the big conference room along with some others - the company's best videocon setup's there so it was decided that those that were supposed to make the trip to set up temporary office there (along with me) so we could get in touch easily with our overseas team, and them with us, whenever it was needed, which was often. Meanwhile, I locked away my stuff in my office's cabinet, had them push my middle desk to the side and temporarily converted it to my team's very own conference room - slash - bull pen. I and my boss would attend these occasional bull sessions and used the place to check up on the team's progress, but I spent much of my time in CX-1, at my temporary desk, talking to my Asian counterparts.

I must say, the overseas guys all had pretty good English (with only a trace of accent), and they all seemed to be in better shape than us (compared to them, we're all so overweight), and the girls were mostly pretty (They were sorta like a mix between the swarthier Malay stereotype and the fairer, almond-eyed Chinese type. Quite charming folks). I couldn't help but compare them to me, which I think is a normal girl thing to do. Looking at how petite and slim most of the girls were, I thought I'd fit in quite well over there.

We did a lot of business by video, Live Meeting, and chat. We even got to trot out the office's Microsoft RoundTable videocam thing, and it was neat the way it's able to have a panoramic view of everyone or chop the image up into individual camera shots of the participants. Better than a static one-shot from the head of the table, or multiple cameras.

Anyway, like I said, we got a lot done, so much so that the VP for BPO operations said it might not even be necessary for me to go anymore (I was sad to hear that). "We'll see about that" I thought to myself.

So my day-to-day at the office was pretty busy. I thought I was doing a bang-up job of juggling my work, but seems that there was a bit of grumbling. Most of the men seemed to be okay with the present status quo, but it seems girls don't like to be ignored, whether it's on the professional level or a personal level - being ignored is being ignored. Perhaps another generalization on my part, but with my limited circle and limited social skills, how can I not generalize? Maybe it's just my team, or maybe it's unique to IT professionals, or perhaps it's because I was close to them before and I seem to be more distant now - I didn’t know. How could an ersatz girl who didn't socialize know? But it remained that I needed to do something.

So I spent one day having individual meetings with the four teams, and then with the four team leads. I spent the time listening to updates, complaints or worries etc. and tried to help. I also told them that, unless I was in the middle of a meeting or a videocon, they were welcome to interrupt me. I hoped that would alleviate some of the bad feelings. I also told myself to circulate a bit with the guys the way I used to (because of my workload, I had inadvertently let that habit lapse).

I sort of knew how they felt - I would feel about the same if my boss ignored me and my work, which was the way it always was in my old job. I thought it was just me being my usual emo self. Now I'm thinking maybe I wasn't. I would have appreciated some advice or some kind of book to explain how all this works. But I have precious few mentors or senior people I could talk with and ask advice. So I had to wing it, I hoped this fixes things, and actually, it looked like it had - it's been more than a week now, and things seem to be more normal.

The closest I had to mentors were my best friend Nikki, and my boss. I had told her and my boss about what's been happening, and how I tried to fix it. Nikki commiserated, and the boss nodded sagely, and just said, "Good thinking."

Over the years, Nikki had become my best post-SRS friend, actually my best friend, regardless. But she doesn't know about the pre-operation me, and we've only ever related to each other as girls. But, with my new boss, I think she knows - she hasn't said anything, but it's how she doesn't say anything that has led me to believe she knows. I was on the verge of asking her point blank once, but before I could, she held me by the hand and said, "All I care about is that you do your job." Not an unequivocal answer to the question, but good enough for me - she knows. And she hasn't said anything to anyone. For that, I was grateful. But one of these days, I think I need to come clean with everyone. Including Nikki. But, given my scaredy-cat ways, I think I'll hold off on that until I know I can stand not having a job for a while. I know I wouldn't need to resign, or if there was a problem, I knew I could fight it. But I don't want the attention, and, even more, the disdain of people I have come to like, and in the case of Nikki, even love. If what I fear happens, I'd rather resign.

Anyway...

As you may have read, it was my birthday this week, and, to try and minimize all the stuff that goes with office birthdays, I took that day off. (One of the guys said that was sneaky of me. Well, yeah! What else? Heehee.)

I did the obligatory birthday mass (I don't know if that's what other Catholics do. All I know is that in my family, you try to hear mass on your birthday.) At my church, that's the 7:30AM mass, so I got up early. Wore what I gather is called a "Sunday Church Suit," but I didn't wear the obligatory hat, and I substituted slacks for the skirt since I knew I was going to Mom & Dad's after, and I knew they'd pop a gasket if they found out I went to church in a skirt.

I lighted the usual candle but didn't go to confession tho (haven't gone to confession since RLT and SRS - I still didn't know how to handle that given how it is now). Don't ask - it's a catholic thing. Went to my favorite diner near the old school, and since it was relatively early (it wasn't yet nine), there weren't too many people around so I didn't stick out too much. Had what I usually had on Sundays when I was still studying - toast, sausages and eggs over easy, plus a small orange and a mug of hot chocolate (it was Ovaltine, but, then it was just a greasy spoon of a place - what did you expect).

Went and got Mom's favorite coffee cake, went home and visited with Mom n Dad for a while. I gave Dad the obligatory tie for Father's Day, as I decided to make this my Father's Day visit as well. Mom told me later when Dad was out of earshot that he's been "phasing out" his god-awful ties in favor of the ones that I and my sister keep on getting him, and Mom's grateful (you should see the ties that Dad gets for himself.... bleah...).

The visit wasn't a big deal - it was like a weekend from the old days - nothing special, just like hanging out at home when I still lived there. And, despite the ever-present awkwardness, I liked it. Mom and I spent a lot of time on the porch visiting while Rick tried to figure out if it was me or a stranger (Ricky's the family Golden Retriever). Had lunch (nothing special, my mom and dad apologized, but for me it was plenty special). I then went to my old room and changed out of my church clothes for a less dressy outfit I brought. I then spent the afternoon getting lost downtown, browsing, people watching and shopping.

In the evening, I went and had dinner with four of my old friends from before. Old geek friends.

I had dinner at my old friend's apartment (in the six intervening years, the place didn't seem to have changed). My friend had always fancied himself as some kind of fancy cook, so he made a mess of ceasar salad, shrimp scampi, toasted french bread and onion soup. He had a token bottle of white wine for me and several six-packs of beer for him and our other two friends. Not really the fanciest of meals, but it sure did bring back a lot of memories.

Back then, they knew about my intentions to transition, and were supportive, but when I actually started my RLT & hormones and dressing up, they sort of faded away. I suppose they weren't really supportive - nerds and gay people (that was how they pigeonholed me) rarely mixed.

So I guess this get-together was their way of apologizing, and perhaps they were curious. In their place, I know I would be.

You could cut the awkwardness that permeated the air with a knife. And it lasted until desert of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Slowly, inexplicably, we reminisced about the old days of school, comic books (ahem, I mean graphic novels, heehee), MTV, anime and scifi movies (and porn movies, too - what can I say: it was guy talk. Sure, geeky talk, but still guy talk). I guess they bleeped over my outfit and face, and just warped back to the good old days. Me too - I caught myself crossing my legs in a guy way, but caught it.

We moved to the living area and played several crappy hands of poker and small talk, and bet with poker chips instead of real money. Just like the old days. Except I was drinking wine instead of beer, and I was wearing girl slacks and a blouse. And we were using a new Star Wars deck, not the old cards.

In the end, though, they asked me how I was and how was it like living the way I was now. I couldn't tell them about my new complete self, but gave them a buddy-version of my Working Girl blogs, keeping it upbeat and peppy, and keeping the darker parts unsaid. Inevitably, one of them asked about sex, and in my head, I was rolling my eyes, and saying "men!" in that tone that's so cliché today. Guess I've been a girl long enough that I've acquired a bit of that girl attitude and prejudice heehee. But these were my friends, so I tried to be honest.

In the end, the said they were happy for me. I said I hoped they weren't too weirded out, and they said they weren't. But I knew them enough that I knew they weren't being completely honest. Still, time will tell. Maybe we'll be having another get-together like this again soon. After all, they all said I looked pretty and sneaked peeks at my face and blouse. Men! ... Heehee.

The following day, at the office, my office-slash-meeting room was festooned with bunting and a printed sign made up of stapled-together paper that said "Happy Birthday, Boss!" I was appropriately emotional (couldn't help it), and I got a few gaily-wrapped gifts, the best of which was a Mr. Coffee chocolate maker that works with both syrup and powder mixes, and constantly stirred the brewed chocolate. Clearly, my people were in cahoots because there was another package made up of six different packages of chocolate mix. Some gourmet-type mix and a couple of boxes of Hershey's and Nestlé’s. I asked Sammi to arrange for a couple of bottles of cheap-but-decent white wine at the end of the day, and there was just enough for each one to have a glass (or in this case, disposable paper cups) of wine before going home.

The day ended all too soon, and everything went back to normal the following day.

   

To see ALL of Bobbie's blogposts, click this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/bobbie-c
To see Bobbie's stories in BCTS, click this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/14775/roberta-j-cabot