Incomprehensible.

Even when I was trying to be one, I never really did understand the "other guys". Is it really so important that yours is bigger, or better, or stronger, or whatever? I'm competitive, sure, but mostly against myself. I don't really care if I keep losing to a more skilled FPS player - if I can manage to snipe him even 1 more time than before, I feel good about it. If I can manage to stay alive even 1 second longer than last round, that's great success. If I fail, I laugh it off.

I am not imagining things. To be honest, I was slightly concerned after my mothers stunt last night that perhaps I'm merely seeing what I want to see. That my own measuring is the measuring that's wrong. That she was correct in measuring my loose flab as waist - loosely.

But this morning at work, my boss was all like, "So now you've lost all that weight, when are you gunna start bulking up?" Several other comments, and then, the bombshell: "You're starting to get a bit of a girlish figure." Damn. That felt good. Scary too though.

Take to flight, like a foolish angel!

(Lines from Yuki Kajiura's "Fiction", title song of the album that "Open Your Heart" is contained on.)

Today was an eventful day. Chose my new name this morning - Abigail Drew - shared it with my older brother at work, and towards the end of the day I finally got up the nerve to do something real major: Talk to my bishop. By the end of my meeting with him, I'd worked up the nerve to do something even more major: Set a date for telling the family.

Just went to a local thrift store where no one pays much attention to what others are doing and tried on various pant sizes. 30" mens relaxed fit slip off my waist and sit around my crotch, 29" mens relaxed fit compress my hips and still want to slip off my waist, just can't with the hip compression going on.

Sizes 4-6 womens though... depending on style, are almost perfect. There was this pair of size 5 skinny jeans that were practically molded for me...

I came out to my older brother at work yesterday. I'd been debating with myself internally over doing so, but since we were about to go off-property for a while to do another properties shrubs, and it got over 80 degrees quickly, I really wanted to take the uniform t-shirt off. Problem was, I was wearing a bra with straps and a thin tank top underneath.

I know I could have told a half-truth about gynaecomastia and nipple chafing, but I wanted to be fully honest with him. To be honest, I think I was hoping in some corner of my mind to find some local support.

I just noticed as I was about to post this that my blogs are suddenly getting an awful lot of reads, I'm not that interesting am I?

Well, on to the purposes of writing this morning.

I've recently noticed that my fingernails, toenails, and the bit of skin that comes over them slightly, have all gotten incredibly healthy.

And I lost another inch from my waist and an inch from my height.

I've always been 5'5.5" ever since... mid-high school? Fairly recently, I've been feeling like I'm slightly shorter, and when I googled "m2f hrt shrinking", there were results, so apparently, some people do experience a slight loss of height on hrt. So I decided last night to check, and I was 5'4.5". Decided to measure again this morning to be certain, and it came up the same, maybe a sixteenth of an inch higher.

But my bustline just had some redistribution occur.

My bust measurements had been 34, 38, 35. They are now 33, 38, 36.

In plainer terms, below the bust used to have a 34 inch circumference, at the bust, 38 inch, and above the bust 35 inch. Now, below the bust is a 33 inch circumference, at the bust is still 38 inches, and above the bust is now 36 inches.

Even plainer terms, I lost an inch from my chest (not bust!) and added it to my cleavage (not bust!).

My bra size is still 38B, but it APPEARS more prominent.

Something I found interesting while randomly surfing wikipedia:

Or at least, she knows I'm wearing a bandeau sports bra.

I just took a good look at myself in the mirror this morning in women's underclothing, with very light padding in my bra (the sort that instead of really adding any bust, it helps to firm up the existing)...

Ignoring everything but the figure itself, I look just like a cute, fit, high school girl.

Of course, I still have a beard and too much body hair to be a girl. There's also junior ruining the image... Really damned incredible, though, that I hadn't really noticed this happening until recently.

And that happened danged quick too.

It got quite warm at work today (at least 80+), so I took off my work uniform t-shirt and since my bandeau is plainly visible through the thin fabric of my tank tops, I took it off too and wrapped it up in the work t-shirt and put both in my gear bag to hide it.

Only the Friday before last, I wore my tanks without any thought, today, I felt extremely exposed not wearing a bra.

And yeah, I get uncomfortable when I'm not wearing my wristwatch too, always have ever since I first started wearing one. I'm weird, I know.

So I just checked my email as part of my nightly rounds before going to bed, and as I cleared out the spam box, I casually glanced at it's contents, and intermixed were ads for boosting my boob size and ads for "increase your Testosterone"...

...

Really?

How did I even get on the list for two clearly conflicting advertisements?

Let's see how many hits that title gets. LOL.

So yeah, my boobs are sore and tits extra puffy, have been all day today. No sign of strange lumps though, I have a feeling I'm about to grow some more. I also noticed something else over the last couple weeks: my body hair isn't growing back in as quickly, thickly, or coarsely, as it used to...

Anyone who's transitioned find that they noticed their body hair start to change last, or is this something weird with my particular inadvertent diet induced feminizing?

Some of you may already know some of this.

This entry is inspired in part by the thread on Character Names on the writer's forum.

NOTE: This entry is now outdated, my account name at the time of original posting had been slicersv. This had also been back when I was still hiding from myself. All entries which predate "To Be, Or Not To Be" technically predate my coming out to myself, though there's an interesting progression, reading them back over...

My most commonly used internet moniker is actually the name of one of my oldest characters who's still on speaking terms with me.

So... Chapter 3 could possibly be done... maybe.

I'm having difficulty deciding whether to post the chapter as-is, with only half as many words as the other two chapters so far and most other chapters are likely to have, and this, having taking over twice as long to write. Or, switch back from Janet's perspective to Drew's and keep writing (which is what would happen anyways, but as a new chapter), probably wind up taking until late Sunday to finish, and ending up with a chapter-and-half chapter length.

So I mentioned in a comment to something somewhere around here the other day that I wrote an epic poem once right?

I've also mentioned that I've done strict milieu-driven stories with no main character - letting the reader slip into that role.

I haven't previously mentioned that I've written a lot of stories that merge science fiction and fantasy elements into one.

Anyways, the idea has entered my head, and I'm starting to think up a nice little story in which I will marry all three of the above things to each other.

Subject says it all. If you don't want to go back to the story page:

http://www.mediafire.com/?2od89xe980h4ujc

In other news... Chapter 3 is going to be further delayed... Not sure when I'll be able to finish it, but I ended up running all over town on errands yesterday cutting into what would have been writing time.