We were supposed to be rehearsing. But there I sat for almost two hours waiting for everyone else to show up. I took the time to noodle out some practice, one of us had to at least. Claire and Nick are usually here before me, I was starting to get anxious. At least Tori is always late, but never this late. “■■■■■,” I said to myself, “are ya sure you just weren’t stupid and showed up the wrong day like last time?”

“No, you’re right where I want you!” a voice said, from behind me.

I barely had any time to put my bass down before Tori leapt over the couch and on top of me. “I guess it’s good I gave you a key to my place, you can get away with being here early all you want,” she said, coyly tapping at her wrist.

Early? Seriously? Checking my phone confirmed it. Throwing my head back into the couch cushions was all I could do. It’s not like I could hide the embarrassment on my face either. Tori made sure of that by keeping her weight firmly on my arms. The best I could do at this point was try to play it off. “Well, I figured it’d be nice to actually have the door unlocked this time. So you’re not having to explain why you lost your keys to everyone.”

“Oh, shush. That only happened the one time,” she leaned closer to kiss me, “okay, three times but who’s counting? Now get that smug look off your face.”

After a while, she got comfortable on top of me and rested her head just below my collarbones. I could feel her take her hands and start tapping her fingers up and down my sides before trying to get under my shirt. “Hey, careful, what if the others walk in?” I said, calmly grabbing her arm.

“Then they’d be in for one hell of a show, you know Claire would love to watch,” she said giggling, “Besides, they’re not coming today. Told them I wanted some time with you – alone.”

“We have a big show coming up, Victoria. We need to practice, not just have –” she put her finger at my lips.

“None of that today, okay? I’m joking. If I wanted sex I’d have asked yesterday,” she said getting up and sitting on the chair next to me, “This is something different. We need to talk, and Nicky and Claire both agreed it’s something you and I need to talk about alone.”

“What?”

I was confused, what did she mean? Talk about what? Taking a deep breath, she picked up one of the spirals I had been writing all of our music for the next set in. “It’s – This.”

“Oh, come on!” I started to get really defensive, “You can’t just suddenly say my music’s terrible, I’ve been writing for us since we got the band together.”

“It’s not that, it’s just –”

“Just what, Tori?”

“Hey, calm down. It’s not anything about how good it is or not. It’s about what you’ve written so far in general,” she started, “see, I showed it to Gwen, and –”

“Why’d you show it to her? She’s not in the band and you two only just started dating. I told you I don’t want anyone just–”

“■■■, look. I told you, we’ve known each other a while already. She’s not ‘just anyone,’ and she – She said some of what you were writing was like a cry for help. Now, I know you like to write about what’s going on inside your head, but –”

“Not this again, Tori. I told you the last time, I have my low days and I promised I wouldn’t write anything too dark again on those days.”

She sat back, looking at me. Hand on her chin, clearly thinking of some way to say what she needed to say. I took the opportunity in the silence by grabbing my guitar and setting it down by the couch. Then I went about picking up my other spirals I had been writing music in, save for the one Victoria had been holding firmly to her chest. It was my scratch one, where I’d throw random phrases and verses to see if any stuck well enough to flesh out fully. I wasn’t sure if there was really anything in there worth the worrying look she had on her face as I was putting the other notebooks in my bag. By the time I sat down again, she was biting her finger, which usually meant she had worked through all she needed to say. It also meant I wasn’t going to be able to get around it, so I’d better just listen.

“See, ■■■■■ – Over the past few weeks, everyone’s noticed you’ve been acting a little – weird. I tried to laugh it off with them like, ‘oh it’s just his usual time of the month to be down, it’s normal,’ but then –” she adjusted and was looking me dead in the eyes, “you met Gwen, right after I started dating her. And I started to see it too.” 

I adjusted to meet her gaze, still wholly confused as to what she was talking about. Or what this had to do with Gwen. Opening the notebook she started flipping back and forth through the pages until she found what she was looking for. “There, ‘I see myself in the window, but I don’t recognize her face. I bang from the inside, can she even hear me?’ It’s that that caught her attention.”

“Nothing in that one’s finished, you know how my scratch book is,” I tried to explain.

“Yeah, which makes it the rawest of your thoughts you write out. I also know you, ■■■. You throw all your feelings, thoughts – and wants – in our songs sometimes,” she said.

“Oh. That’s what this is? Hey, you told me it was cute confessing to you like that, especially when you didn’t realize until we were in the middle of the song on stage,” I said with a smirk, “but that doesn’t mean I feel like that with Gwen. Yeah she’s really pretty but she’s your girlfriend not mine.”

“No, that’s not what this is. Did you really just ignore what I just read out to you? What you wrote?” she asked, pointing to the stanzas again, “like, ‘I break through the glass, I’m falling free. But I don’t see a safe way down. Who will I be when I hit the bottom?’ You wrote that after you met with her, right?”

I was doing all I could to keep from getting frustrated, it’s like she thought she was being obvious but I just couldn’t see what she was getting at. “Okay? Yeah. I wrote that after you introduced me and talked with her, I don’t know what that has to do with anything?”

“Clearly what you both talked about sat with you, hun. She says it did with her too, she said people don’t usually talk to her about transition stuff like that,” Tori continued, placing her hand on mine in a bid to help calm me down.

I guess she could tell I was getting frustrated. Sometimes I wish people would just say what they want to say outright, trying to piece together what they mean is a chore. I hate getting frustrated at her too. “You wanted me to get to know her, and she’s the first person like her I’ve ever met, so –”

“Get to know her like, her favorite food or movie or some shit like that. Not what it’s like to be the way she is,” she cut me off, grabbing my hand fairly tight, “She said it felt like when you two were talking – well, like you were jealous of her.”

“Well, excuse me for not quite being used to the idea of you dating other people yet, especially when it’s somebody I’ve never met, but you’ve known for years,” I huffed, “but I’m not jealous that she’s with you.”

“That – isn’t what I meant. Yeah, I knew her years ago, but that was before I got to actually know her ,” she paused, biting her finger again being careful not to nip herself with her fangs.

“Okay, so what do you mean? I don’t get what the big deal is?” I asked.

“Why… Did you ask her those personal questions? Can you tell me that?”

“I don’t know, I guess they’re the first ones that went into my head for me to get to know her,” I was trying to piece together my thoughts, but it felt like there was a growing panic, pounding away in my chest where my heart was supposed to be.

It was getting distracting, I couldn’t quite keep my thoughts together. Why was I panicking? Why was she asking all these questions? I thought she wanted to talk with me, not interrogate me. I didn’t know what all of this was about. What was wrong with the things I asked Gwen? I thought I was supposed to get to know her? I didn’t really put much thought into asking her what it was like for her to be trans. I’d never met anyone who was trans before. The pounding in my chest just kept getting louder. 

“Do you remember what you said about her when we got home that night?” Tori continued, grabbing my hand a little harder from seeing my growing distress.

“Yeah? I said I liked her, she seemed real. Like you’d both be good together.”

“Okay. – What about her made her feel ‘real’ to you?”

“I guess – Her confidence? The way she understood herself. In a way I never really have.”

“Can you say that last one again for me?” Tori said, giving my hand a quick squeeze.

“She understood herself in a way I –”

Oh.

The panic I was feeling felt like it exploded and ran all throughout my body, I could feel my antennae burning. If I was standing I would probably fall over. Victoria almost immediately switched to sitting on the couch next to me. Her hand met my back, gently rubbing between my wings and trying to keep me calm.

“Hey, hey, ■■■■■? Can you breathe for me, please?”

I was struggling to keep my thoughts together, I took the deepest breath I could manage. “So what, this whole time today we are talking is because you think I might be – trans too? W-What?”

“Maybe not, Gwen only wanted me to talk to you if it felt like a possibility. After seeing what you were writing lately, yeah I started to feel like maybe –”

“Again?” I cut in, interrupting her, “There you go again talking about the music. What do you mean?”
“Who’s perspective did you write this from exactly? Yours? Like a lot of the other ones in the scratch book?”

“I mean – Yes, but –”

“And why did you write it specifically from ‘ her ’ perspective?” she asked, pushing the topic further.

“Well – You’re the one singing, and I –” I was struggling to even speak at this point.

“But I change all that stuff when I’m the one singing, remember? Nick sings too, right?” Tori was looking at me with the softest eyes I’d seen in a long while, “Shh, hey, there’s nothing wrong with it if you are, okay? I’m not going anywhere, I promised you I’d always be by your side.”

I ran out of breath again, I stopped being able to think. It’s like somebody had instantly finished building a wall inside of my head. Everything I tried to say after that just was lost. But her hand stayed firm on my shoulder. I looked at her, hoping there might be some answer. Something, anything that I could possibly say. But that panicked feeling overwhelmed me. It was terrifying. “Oh God…”

I felt paralyzed at that moment, Tori was just looking at me softly still. Putting her hand against the side of my head, letting her fingers run through my hair. “I can’t tell if you’re thinking this through, or just can’t think at all,” she said with a bit of a smile.

“I don’t know what to think, Tori…”

“Then tell me how you’re feeling, hun? Let’s work through it together.”

“Everything just suddenly feels wrong, and I – feel wrong,” I wasn’t even sure of the words coming out of my mouth.

I started collapsing into my hands but Tori kept holding my head up, now with both of her hands. “That’s okay, I’m here. We can figure out and try what feels right,” she said, making sure our eyes could meet, ''if that’s what you want?”

Nodding was the best response I could give her. It felt like my mouth was glued shut, and every breath I was trying to breathe escaped before it could form words. Tori was doing everything she could to help me feel safe, both with how soft she was holding my head up and the tone of her voice. She was always good at making me feel safe, but this felt different. Then again, everything felt different. What felt right to even try? What options were there?

“Ah, there it is. Your thinking face, I thought you’d left the building for a while there,” Tori giggled, interrupting my thinking, but I couldn’t help but laugh a bit myself.

“There’s my girl, there’s that smile.”

That did it. It felt like a knife flying to my heart to cut it free from being tied down. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I started crying. “I mean,” she said wiping the tears from my face, “if you want to be? I thought I’d try it and see if you liked it.”

It was like I could suddenly breathe again. It felt like everything was finally falling into place with just those two words, ‘her girl.’ – Me? It couldn’t just make sense like that, right? Girl. I liked that. A lot.

“Well? I mean this could all just be a bunch of nonsense and I’ve made you cry for no reason, or maybe it’s not exactly ‘girl’ and I should have tried something somewhere in the middle first,” she was starting to ramble, “I mean, it’s not like it would change anything either way, hell you’re already wearing my shirt as it is. I never cared that you’d steal them from time to time, they do look good on you already and –” I think my deluge into self discovery might’ve made her self-conscious, and maybe a bit embarrassed. 

She stopped talking when I grabbed both her hands with mine. I was finally feeling the strength to talk again. “Yes, I’d like that,” I managed to let out through tears.

“Oh, thank God. I thought you’d just sit there like a fossil stuck in amber all day,” she said, heaving a sigh of relief, “I was getting worried I’d broke you.”

“That.”

“What? Right. I know, you probably feel stuck right now in general. But I promise you, I’m not going anywhere. Nothing has to be different yet if you don’t want it to.”

“No. ‘Amber.’ I like that. Can – Can we try that?”

“Yes. Yes we can,” she said, as she started to cry herself.

We cried and held each other for what felt like hours, the both of us falling asleep on the couch. I always hated sleeping on the old thing, but somehow I ended up having one of the most restful nights of my life. No amount of back pain I’d be feeling the next day could compare to how I was feeling inside. Finally having a sense for something I didn’t even know I needed, I was ready for whatever came next.