Pas de Deux A novel by Bronwen Welsh A Sequel to 'Antonette's Story' Copyright 2021

Chapter 13   Stop All the Clocks*

One night, around the middle of the season of Giselle, when baby Kate was about nine months old, the phone beside my side of the bed started to buzz at about 2am. I picked it up and still half asleep, said “Hello?” There was a voice on the other end which was so distorted and hysterical-sounding that I nearly hung up, thinking it was some crank call, but thank goodness I didn't because I finally recognised the voice.

“Ben?” I said. “Is that you?”

“Oh Antonette, it's Kate, she's been in an accident!” He was crying and barely getting the words out between sobs. By now I was wide awake.

“Ben, is she hurt? Where are you?” I asked.

“I'm at St Thomas's where she works. It was a car accident on her way home. They've taken her to the operating theatre. Antonette, I'm so frightened.”

“And baby Kate, where is she?”

“She's with me. I couldn't think what else to do.”

“Right. Just stay there; Jack and I will be there as soon as we can,” I replied and hung up, then cursed myself for being an idiot. Where else would he go?

I shook Jack awake and in a few words told him what had happened. We hurriedly dressed as I rang for a taxi. I didn't want to risk driving fast to the hospital and maybe having another accident.

When we arrived at the hospital, we hurried in through the Accident and Emergency Department entrance and I told the clerk at reception that I was Antonette French and that my sister in law was in theatre after a car accident. She looked at her notes and confirmed that she was in theatre and Ben was in a waiting room next to the operating suite..

“Take the lift to the third floor, turn left and follow the signs,” she said.

We found Ben in the little waiting room, pacing up and down, holding baby Kate in his arms.. When he saw us he hurried over and first I hugged him and then Jack did. He offered me baby Kate and I just naturally took her. She was peacefully sleeping, oblivious to all that was going on around her.

“How is she?” I asked.

“She's been in theatre for over an hour,” Ben replied. “I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.”

“Do you know what happened?” I asked.

“She should never have been working,” he replied. “She was still on maternity leave, but they rang up and said they were very short-staffed and could she come in for a late evening shift, so of course she went. That's Kate. When she was driving home, it seems a car ran a red light and crashed into her. There was a car coming up behind her and the driver said that there were three youths in the car who jumped out and ran away. It must have been stolen. He was the one who rang for the ambulance and comforted her while they waited.”

Ben suddenly sat down and buried his head in his hands. “I'm so frightened,” he said. I sat down beside him as I nursed Baby Kate, and held his hand with my free one. It felt freezing cold. Jack went to the drinks machine in the comer of the room and came back with some disposable cups. I don't know what was in them but it was hot and wet, and somehow a drink is a comforting thing at moments like that. Then we just sat and waited.

After what seemed like an eternity, a doctor walked into the room. I knew what had happened from the look on his face.

“I'm so sorry,” he said. “We did everything we could.”

Ben did not cry out, he was too shocked. He just said quietly “Can we see her?”

“Of course, “ said the young doctor and I felt sorry for him. It can't be easy giving people the worst news. After a moment's hesitation he said “When Mrs French's bag was checked to find out her identity, we saw that there was an organ donor card. I know it's a terrible time to ask you, but if we are to accede to her wishes, we still need approval from her next of kin … from you.”

There was a moment's silence; then Ben stared down at his hand and spoke quietly. “You know Kate was a nurse here. She used to tell me that she saw patients who were desperate for a kidney, or some other organ to improve their quality of life, or even a heart transplant.to save their life. 'We don't have enough donors in this country,' she would say. That's when she told me she had registered as an organ donor and made me promise that if anything ever happened I would agree to her organs being taken.” He looked up at the doctor. “If there are any of her organs you can use, please do so. It's what she wanted . I'll sign the paperwork. At least some good can come out of this.”

The doctor said “Thank you Mr French. We have a nurse who will come and speak to you about the process.”

The minutes dragged by.; then a nurse arrived in the room. She was very calm and professional., but also very sympathetic. I would not want her job for all the world. She had some papers for Ben to sign and she explained which organs they were able to take. As I recall, it was Kate's heart, her kidneys, one lung and her corneas. Ben nodded in silence. Then we waited again.

It was about an hour later that another nurse came to the room.

“Would you come with me please?” she said quietly, and we followed her down the corridor and into a small single room. Kate was lying in the bed, and apart from her white face with a livid bruise on the right temple, she could have been asleep. Jack and I stood back while Ben went up to the bed. He bent over and kissed Kate on the lips and whispered something to her. I don't know what it was and I've never asked. Then it was my turn and Jack's. We both kissed her forehead, and she was so cold.

“Oh Kate, Kate,” I murmured. There was nothing else to say.

The nurse was standing by the door. “We're so sorry,” she said. “Kate was part of the St Thomas family. We all knew her and loved her. I know the surgeons did everything they could for her.”

Ben said “Thank you. I know everyone did their best.”

There was silence. We didn't know what to do next.

“We'll take great care of her,” said the nurse and we realised that it was a hint for us to leave. There was nothing more anyone could do. Someone had to say something, so I took charge.

“Ben, you must come home with us, Baby Kate too,” I said, and Jack nodded his agreement.

“Did you drive here?” Jack said to Ben.

“No. I didn't trust myself to drive so I called a taxi,” said Ben. Well that saved one problem. We walked down to Reception at the A & E Department and asked them to call us a taxi, and were taken back to our flat. Halfway there I suddenly thought of feeding the baby who was fortunately still asleep, but that wouldn't last for ever. We found an all-night store and bought some baby formula, a bottle. and some nappies (diapers as our American friends call them)

Back at the flat, I made up a bed for Ben in the spare room.

“You are so kind, Antonette but I don't think I can sleep,” said Ben.

“I know, but just try to rest for a while,” I said. Baby Kate had awakened and I realised that she was wet and hungry. Fortunately, I had visited Kate and the baby many times and so had some idea of what needed doing. Kate had even suggested I practise changing and feeding her. She had said “You might be doing this yourself one day” and I was sorely tempted again to tell her that it wasn't going to happen, but after all the years we had known each other, I just couldn't.

Ben went into the spare bedroom and closed the door, but as I set about changing and feeding baby Kate, I could hear him quietly sobbing and it broke my heart. I told Jack to go to bed and that I would stay up with the baby for a while. After I fed her and burped her, I sat there rocking her to sleep, and eventually, we both drifted off and didn't wake up until it was daylight, and Jack appeared about seven o'clock to wake me.

“I wondered where you were,” he said.

“I meant to come to bed, I just fell asleep rocking Kate.”

“Is Ben awake?” Jack said.

“I'm not sure,” I replied. I walked to the door of the spare bedroom and knocked lightly on it. There was no answer, so I gently opened it. Ben was lying on the bed, fully clothed, fast asleep and clutching a pillow. I silently closed the door again.

“He's still asleep,” I said to Jack. “I think he is totally exhausted after last night.”

“What are we going to do?” aid Jack.

“Well, Kate's parents and brother have to be notified. I don't think Ben will be up to it, so I had better do it,” I said. “Then we have to work out what to do about Baby Kate. Do you think your parents would take her for a while?”

“Well, they've had plenty of experience, bringing up us two,, although I'm sure they never expected to look after a baby at their age. Still, it is an emergency.”

Thanks, darling,” I said. Then I went into the bedroom to make the most difficult phone call I had ever made. I knew that Eastern Australia was between nine and eleven hours ahead of us depending on who was on Summer Time, so it would be early evening there. I took a deep breath, and dialed Marjorie and Don's number. The phone rang a few times ,and I could feel my heart pounding. How do you tell someone their daughter is dead? Break it to them gently I suppose.

“Hello?” It was Don's voice, and I was glad of that.

“Hello, Don, it's Antonette in England.”

“Hello Antonette, it's nice to hear from you. Is everything alright?” Did my voice give away that something was wrong?

“Well, no, actually. Is Marjorie there?”

“Yes, she's in the next room, I'll call her.”

“Please do. Make sure she's sitting down and then put the phone on speaker.”

“Alright,” he said, and the tone of his voice had changed. I heard him call to his wife and then after a pause, he said “We're sitting down and we have the phone on speaker, Antonette. What do you have to tell us?”

“I'm afraid it's about Kate,” I started. “The hospital where she works, St Thomas's, asked if she could do a shift yesterday evening as they were short staffed. On the way back home, there was an accident.”

“Was she hurt?” I heard Marjorie say.

“I'm afraid she was. She was taken back to St Thomas's and operated on.”

“And how is she?” said Don, and I could hear the strain in his voice.

I took a deep breath. “They did everything they could do for her, everything, but, but, I'm afraid...”

“Oh my God,” gasped Don and I heard Marjorie cry out like a wounded animal, a terrible sound I've never forgotten.

“I'm so very, very sorry,” I said. “Kate was like a sister to me” Tears were starting to flow down my cheeks again.

“And Baby Kate, what's happened to her?” asked Don.

“She's fine. She was home with Ben. We met him at the hospital of course, and they are both here with us now.”

“I can't believe this,” I heard Don mutter, and then louder he said. “Thank you for calling us, Antonette, it couldn't have been easy for you.”

By now I was sobbing. “It's the worst thing that's ever happened, Don. I'm so very, very sorry.” I managed to pull myself together. “Do you want me to ring Gary and tell him?”

“What? No, no. It's very kind of you, but I'll ring him. He's going to be shattered. The two of them were very close.”

“Thank you, Don. I'll ring you again and tell you what is happening, but please ring me any time if you want to.”

There was really nothing more to say, so we both hung up.

I picked up the phone again and rang Miss Higgins. Neither of us could really contemplate dancing today after what had happened. She was very kind and understanding, and told us to take two days off if we needed. I thanked her and hung up.

When I walked back into the kitchen, Jack was cooking breakfast. He looked at me.

“I won't ask how it was,” he said. “That was so brave of you. I would hate to have done it.”

Just then, the spare bedroom door opened and Ben came out. His eyes were still red.

“I keep thinking it's a nightmare and I'll wake up and everything is alright,” he said. “But I know it's not.”

I walked up to him and gave him a hug. “You must stay with us as long as you like,” I said. Frankly, I was worried that if he was on his own, he might do something silly, and things were bad enough as they were. I explained that I had rung Kate's parents to let them know.

“I'm going to ask your parents if they can look after Baby Kate, at least for a few days,” I said.

“That's a great idea,” said Ben. “I was worrying what to do about her. Thank you for looking after her last night.”

“That's alright,” I said. “Would you like me to ring your Mum and Dad?”

“Do you mind?” said Ben. “I don't know if I could do it right now.”

“Of course,” I said, and went off to make another difficult phone call. Michael and Jennifer were shocked of course, and Jennifer, ever the practical one, asked what they could do to help.

“Well, Jack and I are taking today off, and Ben and young Kate are with us, but do you think you could look after her for a few days?” I asked.

“Of course we can. Would you like us to come over now?” she asked.

“If you can, that would be great,” I replied. “None of us have ever organised a funeral before and I'm not sure where to start.”

“I'm sure we can help you there; Michael's dad died a few years back, and the funeral parlour we used was very good. We'll get ready and see you in about an hour,” she said.

“Thank you so much, Jennifer, that gives me time to have the breakast Jack just cooked and have a shower. I slept in my clothes with baby Kate last night,” I replied. Suddenly I felt desperate for someone else to help me sort out this nightmare.

I walked back into the kitchen. Ben was sitting at the table, toying with his meal, but I felt ravenous and ready for breakfast.

“Your parents are coming over in an hour,” I said. “They'll be able to help us.”

I ate breakfast, had a quick shower and dressed. Then I persuaded Ben to have a shower too. Jack was about the same size as him, so was able to loan Ben some clothes. I hoped that these routines of normality would help Ben to cope, and it seemed to have some effect. My next job was to ring my parents and tell them what had happened. They were equally shocked and offered to do anything they could to help. I explained that Jennifer and Michael French were coming over, but I promised to contact them if there was anything they could do.

I fed and changed baby Kate again and five minutes after Ben reappeared, looking slightly better, there was a knock on the door and his parents arrived. They hurried up to him and Jennifer gave him a hug and so did his Dad. I was worried it would start him crying again, but somehow he held it together.

Just then the phone rang and I answered it. To my surprise it was Don in Australia.

“Hi Antonette,” he said. “Gary, Marjorie and I have decided to come over for Kate's funeral. I've phoned a couple of airlines and we've been able to get some tickets to leave this evening.”

“Well that's great,” I said, and then wondered if I'd said the wrong thing, but it was too late now. “Ben will appreciate your support so much.”

“We had some money left over after our last trip and we were going to come again in a year or two to see how young Kate was getting on, but this is more important now.”

“I'll let Ben and Jack's parents know. They're here now and I'm sure they'll want you to stay with them if you'd like to. Would you like me to ask them?”

“That would be very kind,” said Don. “We should arrive there sometime the day after tomorrow.”

I went into the kitchen and told them all what was happening.

“They must stay with us again,” said Jennifer. “Are they still on the phone? I'll ask them if you like.” She went off to talk to them, and was away for a while. When she returned she confirmed that the Whites would be staying with them. She was dabbing her eyes.

“The poor things. Kate was such a sweet girl. I can still hardly believe this has happened. Don gave me their flight number and arrival time, so Mike and I will go and pick them up from Heathrow and take them back to our place.”

I should mention that it is possible for organ recipients to write an anonymous letter of thanks to the family of the donor who have a choice whether or not they wish to receive it. Ben was pleased to receive four such letters, including from a young woman who received Kate's heart. “It gives me some peace of mind to know that her wonderful generous heart beats on,” he told me., and what could I do but hug him?

To be continued.

Next time: A farewell to Kate.

*note: The poem titled 'Stop All the Clocks' was written by W.H. Auden. Many people know it from the film 'Four Weddings and Funeral'