Antonette's Story A novel by Bronwen Welsh Copyright 2020

Chapter 12   Our first quarrel and I undergo surgery

It had become customary for Jack and me to meet in the café for a cup of coffee between practice sessions and one day, without really thinking about it I said to him: “Have you thought any more about auditioning for the 'Royal'?”

“Why? Do you want to get rid of me?” he responded abruptly and I must say I was shocked.

“No, of course not, but I would hate you not to achieve your life's ambition, and every dancer says that is to perform with the Royal Ballet.”

“So now I lack ambition,” he responded, his handsome features twisted into an expression I had never seen before.

I felt tears pricking my eyes. Were we having our first row? I didn't even know why it was happening.

“No of course not, in fact, I think you'll go a long way no matter who you work for. Now if you'll excuse me, there's something I have to do.” I got up, leaving my coffee half-finished, and walked out of the café. I didn't want Jack to see that he was making me cry, and tears were very close to rolling down my cheeks. I didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.

That evening when I arrived home, Mummy met me at the door.

“Something has arrived for you,” she said and showed me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. There was a note with it which said as follows: 'Dear Antonette, I'm sorry I behave like a boor today. Please forgive me and meet me for coffee tomorrow and I'll explain everything. Jack'

“Do you want to tell me what that's all about?” asked Mummy.

“Oh Mummy, I don't really know myself. I asked Jack if he'd considered auditioning for the Royal Ballet now he's had more experience and he was horrid to me and I don't know why.”

“I see,” said Mummy. “Young men can be funny at times; maybe he thinks you are pushing him too hard or taking over his life?”

“But I'm not, really Mummy, I'm not. I only want what is best for him.”

The next day I met Jack for coffee. I, who am notoriously punctual, was tempted to be late, just to show him how upset I was, but in the end I turned up right on time, just as my cup of coffee was being delivered to the table. Jack stood up as he saw me arrive. He looked very pale, almost as though he hadn't slept. “Thank you for coming, Antonette,” he said in a very subdued voice.

I sat down and looked at him. I didn't smile as I still felt quite angry and disappointed with him

“Do you want to tell me what yesterday was all about?” I said.

Now he flushed: “Yes, I owe you an explanation and an apology. The fact is, you are not the only one who says I should audition for the 'Royal', in fact, some people have been making quite a nuisance of themselves and I've started to wonder if there's a hidden agenda to get me to leave the Imperial.”

He took a deep breath: “The fact is, Antonette, I have auditioned for the 'Royal'. I didn't want to tell you in case you thought I was trying to get away from the company, and you of course.”

“So what did they say?” I asked.

“I got their written reply yesterday evening.” He fished in his pocket and produced an envelope with the crest on it. “You might like to read it,” he said, handing it over.

It read as follows:

'Dear Mr French,
Thank you for coming to see us and auditioning for a place in our Corps de Ballet. We were very impressed with your technique and agility and are sure that you will be very successful in your career.

Yours faithfully,'

It was signed by the ballet master.

I handed it back to him without a word.

“Shall I tell you about my reaction when I read the letter?” Jack said, and I nodded.

“It was relief, pure relief. I realised at that moment that I didn't want to leave the Imperial and, and my friends here. If they had offered me a job I would have been in an intolerable position. So now you know why I reacted the way I did yesterday. I was sweating on getting this letter and what it might say, but that was no excuse for behaving the way I did yesterday, and I'm truly sorry for it. I know that I nearly made you cry. Can you possibly forgive me?”

He looked so earnestly at me, that I had to smile and reach out to take his hand.

“Yes, I forgive you Jack, but if anything like this happens again, can we please talk about it? You are my friend and I don't want to lose you, but I will always want the best for you.”

As I look back at it now, I know it was a storm in a teacup. Many people have terrible rows with their friends and this was really minor, but at the time it came as a shock to me. Perhaps it was another part of my growing up process. When I got home that night, Mummy said: “Everything alright with Jack?”

“Yes, everything's fine, thank you,” I replied.

The next few years were very happy ones. With me in the 'corps-de-ballet' and Jack in the male 'corps', it was wonderful to be dancing on the same stage as him, and sometimes the two corps interacted and we always exchanged a special smile as we passed each other, or maybe he whirled me around in a peasant dance or something similar. One of the lovely things about the ballet was the wonderful costumes that the girls wore, so pretty and feminine.

My body had responded to the oestrogen with growing breasts and softer skin. I was a little concerned that my breasts might grow too big for a ballet dancer, but they stopped at 'B' cup size which was fine. I was saving as hard as I could for my reassignment surgery which my doctor had agreed I should have, and I could hardly wait. I knew that I would have to take some months off from dancing but becoming a woman as completely as possible was very important to me.

There is a clinic in London that specialises in gender reassignment surgery, and eventually, I booked in for mine. I spoke to Miss Higgins, the ballet mistress, explaining that I would need some time off and in the circumstances, she was very supportive and agreed that the story was that I had to have unspecified surgery but due to confidentiality, she couldn't say more.

I already had quite a feminine-looking face, and my breasts were the size I wanted, so my surgery was confined to the genital area; I don't need to go into details. Nowadays, the procedure is carried out far more frequently, which is a wonderful thing for people who like myself were convinced that their bodies do not match their brains. Initially, only my family were allowed to visit me in hospital post-surgery, but as soon as he was able, Jack came in with an enormous bunch of flowers and all the latest gossip from the ballet company.

Anyone who has had major surgery knows that the first couple of weeks after the event are very unpleasant, usually passed in a fog of painkillers, and after that, lying in bed with little to do is very boring. Jack reported that it wasn't generally known why I was away, and when the whisper went around that I was seriously ill and had undergone surgery, everyone was very sympathetic and wished me well. One day he produced and enormous card which everyone had signed, including the Principals, Soloists and even Miss Higgins. My family were very kind and supportive and gave me a quiet place in which to fully recuperate. Mummy was a tower of strength and attended to all my needs with a smile and a cheerful word if I looked miserable.

I was anxious to resume dancing as soon as possible but realised that starting too soon would be counterproductive. I had to give my body time to heal completely, so I followed my doctor's advice. When I was finally able to start practicing again, which I did slowly, I found that it was so much easier, no longer having anything to 'tuck away'. Jack was a tower of strength and even called around to my parents' house so that I could practice with him. That's what I call a real friend.

About six months after I rejoined the company, we learned that we were going to perform at Stratford-Upon-Avon in the big theatre complex there. Most people think that it's a place where only Shakespeare's plays are performed but that is not so. The main theatre was modified to feature a thrust stage to more closely resemble the original London theatres like the 'Globe', but there are two other auditoriums. The second one, which seats eight hundred people has a conventional format with a proscenium arch, and also an orchestra pit. It has quite a large stage which can be used for musicals and dance including ballet.

Our company was booked to perform three ballets in repertory, 'Cinderella', 'Sleeping Beauty' and 'Giselle', over a season of six weeks. I was still in the corps but by now was becoming one of the more senior members which meant that I was classed as a First Artist and featured a bit more than some of the other members, including some 'mini solos'. Jack would also be in the three ballets and was starting to make a name for himself as a very accomplished dancer, so he too was classed as a First Artist. The next step up would be to become a Soloist. I did not expect it for myself, but I thought there was a good chance that Jack would become one as he was starting to be selected as an understudy to the soloists and I was sure that the time would come when he got his big chance..

Stratford is too far from London to commute, but my Uncle Terry and Aunty Tess had told me that if I ever performed in Stratford-Upon-Avon, then I must stay with them, so Mummy phoned them up and then handed the phone to me. Aunty Tess congratulated me on my progress with the company and said that I really must stay with them.

“We have two spare bedrooms. Is there anyone else in the company who would like to stay with us?” asked Aunty Tess. I immediately thought of Jack, but I wasn't sure if he'd already arranged somewhere to stay, so I said I would get back to her. I spoke to Jack who said he would be very pleased to stay with them if they were alright about it. When I phoned Aunty Tess back and told her how Jack would be very happy to stay at their house if they didn't mind, I could tell from the sound of her voice that she had expected me to suggest another one of the ballerinas.

“Jack's not gay,” I blurted out and then could have kicked myself. Why on earth did I say that?

Aunt Tess laughed: “I do hope he's handsome; most of the male dancers are very handsome, whether they are gay or straight.”

“Oh yes, he's handsome alright,” I replied.

“So are you really sure you need two bedrooms?” said Aunt Tess.

“Aunty!” I exclaimed in an outraged tone, not quite sure how genuine it was. “Jack and I are friends, that's all.”

Aunty was still laughing: “In my experience, the best lovers start out as friends and don't sound so shocked, I was young myself once.”

I was so glad nobody was around as I knew my face was scarlet.

To be continued

Next time: Performing - and more at Stratford